in the midst of muck

first blog, as if i haven't used my personal comment to be one previously...

got twirls of thoughts in my mind. and am easily irked by something that supposed to be a small matter before. apa yg aku ckp ni?

seriously, tonight is going to be one of the big night. the official opening for pondok ilmu but as usual, we never see things get going until it goes, if u know what i mean. and secretly, i'm suffering from what people call self-doubt. i guess all great people did too when they were going to face bigger things ahead. and trust me, this is BIG.

enough of PONDOK matters. what really irked me today is the appearance of an old fren. i used to thought that he was special. that we had this chemistry going but somehow today, i was thinking, am i really that naive and stupid? it's hard when i have these rigid values buried deeply that when i was smitten or lonely, i had to sacrifice them for the love of an undeserving man. not that i'm still in love with him. nor him ever with me. we're just like these first timers who can't really let go of each other's grips. terrifying. confusing. maddenning.

maybe this moodiness was just a hangover. it's just a counter-reaction over losing the best moments i had shared with jaja n ina. over the last weekends, i was free, in my element and in control of my destiny. we had fun catching up on the old times as i was down in kl. we watched "guess who" and had laughs over how cute the movie was. the trip late back to the hotel together. sharing a sleepover. each seconds were so special that i think i left my heart over there, at the door of grand pacific, watching jaja searching for me when i could not do anything to prolong this visit...

sigh.. maybe this is it. i'm suffering from that hangover. well, dearest, wish me tons of luck bcos i sure need them, a lot...

til next time, take care. and mo, maybe time really changes people. hopefully what we really are stay true to Allah's teachings.. i'm still your fren though.