Shah's thoughts

entertaining parents part Uno

it wasn't easy being an only child, no? the fact that you have to prepare yourselves physically, mentally and financially before you brace all the tests that come in the form of 2 persons that had raised you from childhood until you become what you are now. mencabar utk jadi lebih sabar dan attentive.

kan?

the previous weekend till this wednesday morning, i had devoted myself to entertain my parents and younger siblings that came to stay a while at home no.7. terus terang cakap, many of my routine and r&r plans got to be pushed backward to accommodate them. in fact, penat seyhh! time table full dari siang ke malam. bagi individu yang sentiasa dibiarkan seorang, adjustment yg bukan sedikit diperlukan..

i'm not trying to be cruella here. far from it. in fact, i am trying NOT to be cruella. walaupun ada sikit2 suara jahat menggila, masih tahu tempat letak diri sebelum diperingatkan ibu.. bukan mudah untuk jadi ibu bapa. banyak pengorbanan yg telah ayah ibu laksanakan tanpa bertanya panjang. nak duit? nak daftar asrama? nak itu? nak ini? seharusnya jadi malu sendiri andai cruella masih berseloka lancang.

kan?

anyway, penat tu tetap penat. cuma hati berbakti diikhlaskan sedalam mungkin. nak buat camne, buat masa ini saya seorang sahaja emissary family yg berkemudahan lengkap utk menerima dan membantu sanak saudara yg ramai. in fact, i think, i should just rename home no.7 to a more appropriate lodging name :)

all in all, let me brief you of my off days. i picked Mak, Put and Ayah at LCCT on the Saturday morning. mah and syuhada was to come later. even though Mak suggested we proceeded straight to Alamanda, Ayah asked us to get home first for breakfast. they had rushed for the KT-KL flight that he didn't even get to drink coffee and have proper breakfast. so home no.7 it was. had a scrumptious breakfast and then after chitchatting, a short nap in the afternoon. by evening, mah and Syuhada arrived, joined later by Bayah. as it was getting late, mom, me and put went to alamanda to shop for his essentials.

we then rushed home after a tiring shopping venture. by 10, went out to Taman Warisan for late dinner. sangat lambat, semua kedai dah tutup kecuali sate samuri who gave in to at least prepare us sate sans the nasi kapit. my treat.

next in the morning, after having a heavy brunch, we rushed to UIAM Matriculation Center in PJ. lepak there for a few hours. Mak still insisting upon compounding her last minute edicts that i couldn't help but snort in exasperation. really. kekadang kesian gak tapi Mak, she seems unable to change her spots. ever. kesian. kekadang menyesal jugak bila difikirkan diri yg terkadang tidak pandai mengambil dan menyejukkan hati Mak. semacam penat nak melayan :( tu belum lagi bila Mak dah tua rete and me with my own family, kan? cuma terkadang, rasa tersiksa jiwa raga bila mak degil-degil berkeras sebegitu... there, i took the chance to walk around to the kedai Kamal where i used to hunt for sundries and newspaper back in year 1999-2000. terasa nostalgik sekejap bila jalan2 kat situ. all the old buildings across the road had been replaced by Jaya ONE. they even have Nando's and kopitiam there, can you imagine that? anyhow, put settled down nicely and we took a few pix there.

later on, me as the sole child, went with mak and ayah to MidV. Ayah got himself a rather pricey N81. nice one. mak was so sporting to show effort and interest in Ayah's latest acquisition whilst me the marauding soul couldn't help but maraude. yup. i was so used of being alone. we later on settled on Nando's delicious treat. know what, the Diva treat was really turning me into a diva.. lambat dan incomplete service sungguh! but glad that mak and Ayah enjoyed my treat there. dad managed to tuck in more even though he had his Burger King earlier as we waited for the NAndo chicken to appear.

balik umah sampai malam, i was bumped. there went my weekend. penat siot. nasib baik applied cuti rehat 2 hari. otherwise memang tension la masuk opis on monday dengan penat sebegitu...

my 27th birthday, bridget jones style

how did i spend my 27th bday? well, it's rather lame, actually.. tetiba je macam takde mood untuk bercerita. mungkin pasal there's nothing much that i did yg totally warranted mention......

to be honest, my bday was celebrated much in Bridget Jones' style.. except of course, i don't have a besotted Mr Darcy in the offing. oh, well, does that really matter much? :)

i'm grateful that i'm still alive. even though i had the tendencies of living precariously these days, i was given the opportunity to live a little bit longer..

as i said, i'm reliving Miss Jones' condition these days. self-loathing, imperfect body stature and melancholic, stuck at a job that she doesn't really like. been pining for a while.. em, not going to dwell on that either.

instead, i'll reintroduce you to Bridget Jones Diary once again.. here's the wiki synopsis:

Bridget Jones is frustrated; she is thirty-something, still single, and worried about her weight. She works at a book publishing company in

London

where her main focus is fantasizing about her boss Daniel Cleaver. On New Year's Day, she finally decides to turn it all around and starts her own diary, which covers all her attempts to stop smoking, lose weight, and catch her Mr. Right. Lawyer Mark Darcy, Bridget's mother's favourite choice for a future husband, does not appeal to Bridget at all. After seeing him at a Christmas party at her parents' house, she finds Mark to be annoying and arrogant.


Bridget and Daniel begin to flirt heavily at work and eventually start dating, despite the fact that he is a notorious womanizer with a questionable personality. Bridget learns from Daniel that he and Mark have a history and as a result, hate each other dearly. Daniel informs Bridget of their fallout, telling her that Mark broke their friendship by sleeping with his fiancee.

After Daniel's dubious character becomes clearer and clearer to Bridget, she breaks off their relationship when she catches him with another woman, a colleague of his from work in

New York

. In the meantime, she gets to know Mark and finds him to be a sincere man whom she enjoys spending time with. Just as Bridget and Mark's mutual attraction for each other comes together at a birthday dinner party hosted by Bridget, Daniel comes back into the picture claiming Bridget's attention. Mark originally leaves the party, but comes back to face Daniel. Mark punches Daniel and the two fight, resulting in Daniel passing out. Bridget, still thinking that Daniel had been the wronged one, chastises Mark. Afterward, she tells Daniel that she doesn't want to be with him.

Bridget eventually learns the truth about Mark and Daniel's fallout, in which Daniel had seduced Mark's ex-wife when they were still married. At a dinner party the same day, Bridget confesses her feelings for Mark, only to find out that he is engaged to his colleague.


Bridget is further disheartened once Mark's parents announce at the party that Mark is going to New York. Just as Bridget starts to embark on a trip to

Paris

with her friends to mend her broken heart, Mark returns to stay with Bridget.

As they're about to sleep together, Bridget exits to her bedroom to change her undergarments. While Bridget is changing, Mark spies her diary, in which she has written many insults about him. Bridget returns to find that he has left. Realizing that he had read her diary and that she might potentially lose him again, Bridget runs outside after him in a thin coat and her undergarments. Unable to find him and disheartened she is about to return home when Mark appears holding a new diary.

It becomes apparent that the new diary was to be a gift from Mark to replace Bridget's current diary which she has filled up. They kiss in the snow-covered streets and the movie concludes.

in some ways or the other, i couldn't help noticing the similarities. the attitude of being able to laugh at oneself, of being nonsensical and absent minded..

the fact that renee managed to slim down to get her helluva silhoutte after finishing filming this movie is also meant to be as an inspiration. if only i have a more tenacious motivation, kan?

i mean, if my bf ask me to tone my body down, i'd simply felt that he cares more about my appearance rather than myself, or that he wouldn't care much once i got old and wrinkly. on the other thought, if he doesn't care whether i put on piles of disgusting lard, i'd simply felt that he put such a low standard of myself or that he just doesn't care. in either way, he will lose.

i've done my share of people watching and i observed that there are so many lucky girls out there who simply can tuck in anything and still manage to have a slim prim rack of bones. and as i turned the other way, i saw many girls that are happy and unself-conscious of their monstrous body size and sightly bulges. no. i don't mean any disrespect to any of them. i mean, they have the courage to embrace their body image and live life as it is.

as for me.. well, i know that i'm not over to the obese line yet. but i'm no slimmer, either. all my beautiful lingerie and work clothes dah tak sopan untuk dipakai.. even my favourite chocolate-y skirt pun dah tak dapat cover the flaw <- to me la.

susah kan? i set too high the target for myself. cuma bila datang rasa malas, ada timbul satu suara jahat yang berbisik, i'm still a size smaller compared to others who are not so fortunate. pelik kan? keinginan dan expectation diri terlalu tinggi tapi bila melaksanakan, tak istiqamah dan mudah mengaku kalah.

tu yang jadi frust kan?

anyway, i'll narrate to you of my activities yesterday..

i woke up quite early in the morning. prepared a mixed up English breakfast. didn't have the appetite and trash half of it instead.

next, i watch a few movies on ASTRO. some of it good but i can't recall much of what i've watched. and yes, jerry McGuire was included in the list. somehow i can't escape the "you complete me" - "you had me at hello" part. mushy me, heh!

then i played pc games all afternoon whilst drinking a jugful of cool ribena. by 5 something, primmed myself up to an acceptable appearance and went out.

mulanya ingat nk tgk movie, but the papers were out of stock, i really didn't even have the faintest idea on what and where to watch. so, just brave on to the kl-putrajaya highway. as i drove along, thinking of stopping at klcc, terus terbabas ke klia route. tergelak sendiri jadinya, but thinking that the day was my birthday, i could treat myself to a change of routine, layyannn je la..

proceeded to USJ exit and then to Sunway Pyramid. sampai di sana, terasa rindu sama Abang, and terfikir-fikir that of all people, he's the only one person i wanted to spend my birthday with. sent him a short sms, but with brimful of wistful hope. only to find out that he's tired, and couldn't make it. tetiba je rasa hampa. kosong.

cuba pujuk diri sendiri, that it's ok and that it didn't matter much- cuma rasa sayu tu jadi bertambah.. takpelah.. singgah wendy's for the first time, nothing special there except that they have the baked potato delicacies. ok la rasa dia, rasa full sampai ke malam.

afterwards, singgah bersimpuh di popular book stores. terjumpa a couple of gems from Karen Kendall that is worth less than RM20 for 2. happy!

then, menyinggah di kedai kasut. and i bought 2 delightful ballet shoes, one black and the other playful gold. rasa macam princess plak bila pakai kasut gold tu ke opis pagi ni :)

as i promised myself of domino pizza on my bday since the last 2 months, i went and bought 2 large pizzas for home.

sampai home no.7, it's almost 10.15.. refreshened up, settled down for the comfy cushions with the whimsical book, i sms-ed Abang, summarising the day in a simple theme - it's a bridget jones-y birthday- in truth, i was disappointed that we couldn't share my birthday together, i can't deny that. but i think there's always a greater good lurking somewhere for me at the end of the day.

so there. i'm not totally unhappy. besides, i don't shed even a tear this year.. cuma terfikir tentang umur yang dah suntuk.

thanks to ayin, mjah's family (i think it was Ley-ah who sms-ed me), minkus and mah. not forgotten, Abang, echah, kak k'lyn and the rest who cares enough to sms me..

life's like a box of chocolate, i'll be relishing every flavour that i shall get.

thanks to Allah, the ever Merciful~

anak ikan ;">

baru2 ni mixfm posed a question:

why is it okay for men to date younger women, but it's a taboo when women date younger men?

hmm? what do u guys think?

to me, memang ada taboo, when u asked my mom :p

and in fact, when i considered dating a much younger guy, i immediately felt like a pervert. sullied.

which explains why MJr and me we haven't done any dating relationship of sorts back then. not that he's too young. it's just that i have reservations regarding younger men and older women.

having that  stifler's mom stigma at the very thought of ever initiating the first invitation.

but, in full truth, younger men make me easier to relax and lower my guard. kekadang i flirted outrageously, true to my gemini blood, always confident of  no threat coming. i become a much carefree person, free with my laughter, relaxed.

whereas, on the other hand, in the presence of older guys, i sort of revert to my true nature, shy and prim. mungkin pasal ada possibility of romantic relationship or that wanting to give a good impression.

ya ke?

kekadang sesuka oren je, suka menyakat! lagi pemalu little fishies, lagi giat disakat, a twisted sense of humor, kot?

pengakuan yg jujur, there are times when i feel much at ease with younger guys. they make good male frens. but at times, i'm afraid that i shall be the dominant partner of the relationship.. and in order to prevent that, in a way or another, i'll exert changes in my other aspects of life, by becoming less of my true self. contohnya, macam pelakon Hollywood, bila partner lagi muda, they tend to dress much younger than they really are.

then, there is the question of looking older than our young partner.. kata orang, perempuan lagi sensitif bila dia tampak lagi tua dari suami dia..

me? being an almost 27 years old pun dah di-mistaken as 30-0ld-ish with kids, agak2 korang la...

apapun, i believe that jodoh dah tertulis.

personally, i think i want to be the younger partner in a marriage. memang ada rasa keanak-anakan, nakal dan playful yang memang sebati. dan ada rasa insecure yg menebal, that i wish that the person who loves me shall always have me feel protected and safe. someone who will always make me be grateful that he's going to take care of our kids.. a man.

sigh- so there, instead of teasing anak ikan into frenzy with their beautiful blushes, i think i shall not be the Mrs Robinson anymore!

em, but teasing is so fun :)

school break

i love long school break. here are 3 topmost reasons

1. Qayyim will be here to keep me company. i love having him around. this time we don't go out for a muvidet (mom's sake! >:p) but we linger at home, playing silly card games and pc games. he cooks, bys groceries and keeps the home no.7 spotlessly clean :) and yup, he also works as my alarm clock (^^,)v
2. the traffic jams are almost non-existant. the usual 25-minutes trip takes up just 10 minutes. it's amazing!
3. tv and cinema got excellent movies. i love the segment on RTM : Rancangan Istimewa ALam Cuti SEkolaH or something yang menayangkan cerita fantasi snow white, alice in the wonderland dan sebagainya. citer2 europe on the grimms fable stories yang telah dialih bahasa into English. sigh.. bestnya. nostalgic jap.

tetiba saya rindukan zaman belajar di kampus gombak dulu. studying and completing school work sambil melayan momsie yg datang berborak. lagu tema cinta mr basid-momsie, if u're not the one by daniel baddingfield tetiba berkumandang...

sigh.. tetiba jiwa romantis lagi puitis muncul meriak rasa yang kaku beku mati kedinginan.

oh ya, i dig the finale of Grey's Anatomy Season 4. sabtu ni season 4 GA dah start on Star Wold, hooray!

mcDreamy is on :)

bagus tak bagus?

semalam i blew my top. literally.

rasa &%^&*W^$`*@ sama itu pengurusan.

let me brief you.

miss A submitted her minutes by 230am saturday morning to one of the urus setia people. the process is a normal one, nothing different.

by monday afternoon, after miss A got back from her Umum PTK, her esyubi dah mencari-cari. kenapa?

rupa2nya minutes miss A tak sampai ke meja tikeyesyu dan tersangkut di bilik esyubi.

esyubi marah2 sama miss A. and won't take an explanation why miss A wrote her minutes in such format. he even went to the temerity of questioning miss A's explanation that she submitted her minutes on saturday midnight. later on he questioned miss A's way of reasoning, ridiculing the way she interprets the conversation.

so good naturedly whilst refusing for any word from miss A, he dismissed her. once she got to her room no.7, suddenly there was a call, esyubi's PA said he called for miss A. she went. and once there, he directed her to tikeyesyu's room. she went.

once she reached, with much concealed ire, the boiling tikeyesyu asked miss A of her MIA minutes. miss A tried to explain but her tentative response was rebuffed by the much senior officer. she was then booted out of the room, smarting.

imagine steam coming out. miss A went looking for the guy she handed her minutes in the first place. but the guy was not around.

she then proceeded to linger at the esyubi's PA cubicles. there she got the explanation. it seems during the revision and sorting of the minutes, under a certain kaypiesyu's order, miss A's minutes were put aside and not submitted to tikayesyu's room. but, they kept the thing secret.

before retiring to her room, miss A approached esyubi's room once again. after being patient with the nonsense, she got to explain her reasoning, complete with proof and examples of past minutes in similar vein. after listening, then only esyubi admitted that she was right in her reasoning.

there! in the process of that, miss A got her name smeared. she was blamed, ridiculed and made to look like a fool. the entire afternoon, she was pissed off and she felt like hitting something. hard.

and this morning, she found that almost 65% of what she did was preserved as it was. and there, to top it off, the ever smiling esyubi came smiling to room no.7:

"minute u memang bagus. after this, i will give you to do minutes that are no less than 10 minutes. u ada potential. i nak groom u utk jadi penulis minit yg lagi bagus-"

"terima kasih Dato'."

that was the gist. korang rasa bagus ke tak bagus sebenarnya situasi ni? to me, it's not too much of a recognition, rather like a punishment. kalu selama ni kurang dari 10 minit dah kena balik sampai pagi, kalu no less than 10 minutes?

tak bagus. :(

salsa anyone?

a few days away from blogging, ada beberapa isu. kelakar ada, sedih+marah ada, happy pun ada.

semalam Qayyim had returned to home no.7 for the school holidays. happy-nyer! alhamdulillah. at a moment i need someone to cool me off, he came.. sigh- agak2 berani tak nak mintak izin mak untuk bawak dia pegi tengok wayang? prince caspian is still rolling~ berani tak berani? berani kot. tanya je. kalu tak kasi, nak buat camne, kan? becos Qayyim tak nak pegi kalu mak tak kasi.. haddoii..

oh ya, semalam saya tertido dalam proses study utk exam hari ni. walaupun begitu, by midnight, an sms was gracing my inbox: invitation to learn salsa dancing for beginners.

gulp.

that dear someone seems to be tapping into my inner passion. cuma agaknya dia terlupa, saya masih malu2 dan janggal membebaskan diri dari segan utk menari salsa di dalam khalayak.

kadang2 sesuatu itu lebih indah, lebih istimewa bila disimpan dan dikongsi hanya berdua dalam waktu peribadi, kan? the inner self, when set loose, might want to always be free from the binding shackles.

remember Kecantikan? she changed me on that stage. somehow that night freed the inner me and i never be the same ever again.

change must come

teringat tajuk ni dari cerita Grey's Anatomy. ingat grey lagi tak? citer GA season 4 dah nak finale. banyak benda dah berlaku tapi sekadar dapat baca kat fan review je la, siaran belum sampai kat sini lagi...

sigh.. memang perlu ada perubahan cara hidup dari terus dwindling down tanpa hala tuju yang jelas. it's not fair to my future should i remain to deteriorate into nothingness.

a change must come. it is in your heart and in your practice that it shall be manifested. you must change for the better and you are strong enough to change.

to be humbler and never a slave to your beasts within.

change.

huge

at the moment, 3 huge items on top of my mind are:

1. figure

i am HUGE. not by anyone's standards but rather of my own. depressive bila difikirkan, buat saya jadi hilang punca. lagi kawal makan, lagi exercise, takde apa2 perubahan. liposuction bleh? baju2 saya yg sopan dan tidak ketat dah boleh kira dengan jari :(

2. hole in my piggy bank

saya rasa sedih bila simpanan saya takde meningkat bulan-bulan. semuanya selamat dibelanjakan. kekadang saya terfikir, sampai bila saya dapat bertahan begini? kena usahakan agar dapat simpan walaupun sikit!

3. disappointment

saya kecewa dengan banyak benda. kegagalan untuk jadi surirumah yang rajin, kemas dan teratur telah buat home no.7 bersepah dan tidak selesa.

saya kecewa bila saya leka bermain PC games sedangkan saya sepatutnya meluangkan masa membuat ulang kaji untuk exam saya yang sangat penting pada hari isnin ni.

saya kecewa bila ego saya yang tinggi buat saya melengahkan inisiatif memohon maaf dari insan yang penting kepada saya. kekadang saya terfikir, kenapa saya begitu berkecil hati dengan ibu yang telah banyak berkorban dan menyayangi saya? kenapa begitu sukar saya merendahkan ego yang ada dan akur dengan permintaan beliau yang walaupun sukar diterima...

entahlah.. ego saya yang buat saya lupa letak duduk diri. kecewa.

if only i can make things better by swallowing every pain and puffing them away.. mohon ampun sama ibu. mohon ampun sama Tuhan.

for i have sinned.

my weekend...

last week ada sikit lapang dada bila dapat cuti weekend bernilai 2 hari setengah. bukan senang nak cuti lama-lama tau..

friday dapat balik awal, ada chance pegi pasar malam Putra Perdana, Puchong yang telah lama dirindui. rasa-rasanya dah 5 bulan tak menjenguk tempat tu. sigh... dah banyak yang berubah walaupun jalan dia masih berlubang tang tu jugak.

you know what, i've visited home a3.3!!! and the possibility of the view, rasa indah sangat. imagine this, opening the house door to a living room with a wide window facing the old mining lake and a green lush field.. sigh.. wonderful..

cumanya, nak ke pindah balik ke Putra Perdana?

after that, i went back to alamanda to watch Prince of Caspian. and as i jotted earlier, it was such a treat! after the movie, sambung tengok thomas cup semi final match rerun between China vs Malaysia. rasa puas hati tengok fairuz zakry and his partner rallied through to win. tapi sayang bila hafiz kalah, macam tak berdaya langsung. weirdly, i identified with that losing feeling. rasa macam dalam abyss, you simply cannot break yourself from the tedium..

on saturday morning, i had to go to work.. sigh.. memang berat hati la. tapi, alhamdulillah, before zohor dah boleh balik. sampai kat umah je mah dah ada, tido. lepak umah, masak sikit banyak. selebihnya menonton tv. meet joe black and anaconda II were on (",)v

on sunday morning, stayed in bed sepuas hati. by 7pm tu tengok thomas cup final between China and Korean. by midnight, mah already retired to her bed whilst i continued to play the sleuthing games on my pc. by 3am, terdengar bunyi grill dan pintu dibukak. rupanya abang E and the boys, Qin, Mat and Put had arrived for their licence examination in Jalan Semarak. hmmm-

spent the monday morning at home. playing pc games with the boys until petang. by 630 or so baru kitorang kuar pi main boling kat alamanda. peyhh.. saya memang tak terer main boling. 2 frame saya corot. semua ke longkang. yang lagi haru, 2 kali saya strike berturut2 tapi di lane yang salah.. allo! then, by 9 kitorang pi makan buffet sifud kat bangi dengan ayah. kenyang! miah, sapee and bayah pun rejoin kitorang kat situ.. overall, makanan dia boleh tahan la pasal sifud dia pun ada dim sum jugak. cuma sos dia takleh lawan jonies la. then, singgah borak2 kat umah mak yah. dah lama tak berziarah. rasa bersalah pulak.. tapi entahlah, bila hati dah kosong, takleh paksa. terasa dah drifted apart- masing2 preoccupied dengan hidup masing2..

entahlah, people say that, at a point in our life, we changed. ida rasa memang ida banyak berubah. dulu ida manja dan degil. sekarang ni ida lebih degil dari manja. keras hati. takde perasaan.

ye ke?

energy thoroughly spent

this week proved a sterling record, for 4 nights were spent at the gym, on the treadmill.

sigh, hasilnya hari ni saya rasa badan macam terapung-apung tak jejak tanah.

penat.

hari ni kena tulis minit. confirm OT lagi. last week almost 3am. this time?

i got to learn finishing up early.

tapi bila fizikal dah lesu, jiwa dah kacau nak escape dan cari freedom, camne?

hari ni jugak statement agak keras telah klua dengan jelas:

i know it's life, but i don't want this kind of life!

in response to encik indra khairil's tut-tutting:

ala, biasalah. kitorang pun dulu camtu gak, it's life.

don't u ever think of NOT swallowing everything, conforming to the edicts, toeing to the line, just because everybody is doing it before and no one has dared to change it for the better?

kenapa tak boleh kita berusaha memudahkan segala urusan, menyeragamkan dan saling membantu dengan semangat empati?

manusia ni kan, bila dia dah rasa sulit, ada 2 jenis respons.

1. akan devise cara supaya orang lain takkan merasai kesulitan yang sama yang boleh dielakkan kalau dia ambil tindakan proaktif.

2. akan buat tak tau supaya orang lain akan merasa kesulitan yang sama dan akan mengelak sendiri di lain masa. ala2 self-learning la.

agak2 korang la, korang ni di kategori yang mana?

i mean, dalam persaingan ghaib yang agak gila di sini antara psu2, i was a bit mad, broilling even bila kelemahan manusia (human error) wujud atas sebab kelemahan masing2 yang subjektif kepada kepentingan diri dan bukan kepentingan sejagat.

entahlah.

sekarang ni, my aim in life is to be the best that i can be, to not lose my individuality in the crowd.

and in the mean time, i shall strive to maintain my fitness regime. no matter what.

wish me luck!

Wanita dan unsur-unsurnya.

Walau apa pun, Allah yang Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu...

Penentuan unsur seseorang ditentukan oleh anak yang keberapa dalam keluarga:-

a. TANAH - anak pertama, kelima, kesembilan.
b. AIR - kedua, keenam, kesepuluh
c. API - ketiga, ketujuh, kesebelas
d. ANGIN- keempat, kelapan, keduabelas

WANITA BERUNSUR TANAH
1) Merendah diri,serta hormat dan patuh, setia serta rela berkorban.
2) Tidak cerewet, tidak meninggi diri, tidak sombong dan bukan seorang pemarah.
3) Tenang diri, aman, dan memberi sokongan.
4) Tidak suka membantah atau membangkang.
5) Berwatak manis, lemah lembut, bersih dan sentiasa menjaga kecantikan.

WANITA BERUNSUR AIR
1) Menghidupkan hati pasangan dan pemberi semangat.
2) Mengambil berat.
3) Hatinya bersih dan boleh membahagiakan pasangan.
4) Menenangkan pasangan.
5) Sangat romantis.
6) Mudah menangis.
7) Cintanya sentiasa hangat dan memberahikan.

WANITA BERUNSUR API
1) Cergas, cepat dlm gerak geri dan tangkas menguruskan rumahtangga.
2) Penasihat yang baik.
3) Pandai dan cekap mengurus rumahtangga.
4) Pandai menghias diri agar kelihatan cantik selalu.
5) Berwaspada selalu.

WANITA BERUNSUR ANGIN
1) Lemah lembut dan menenangkan.
2) Pandai bermain kata dan memujuk rayu.
3) Sopan santun dan berbudi pekerti mulia.
4) Bijak mewujudkan suasana selesa.
5) Hati yang cepat berubah ubah

-> hmm, saya berunsur angin. and i agree, ada sikit2 yg betul walaupun bukan keseluruhannya.

the thing is, we define what we are and what we want to be, ok!

along those lines, i think, i need to reasses my current state of self. got to hit the gym again to end up looking less svelte. in a part, i sort of worry about myself. in other part, i simply don't care.

cuma, yang bosan is that my baju yang comfortable dah berkurangan. which is a pity.

so there!

the bachelor finale

last night, as i couldn't sleep, i watched a finale of the bachelor reality series.

where jesse finally chosen the openly loving jessica over the impersonal n independent tara. i observed that jesse chose a girl who is more emotionally in contact with him, the girl that his mom and best girlfriend prefers rather than the intelligent omnipotent girl that his father favors..

and it touches my heart to listen to jesse's heartfelt confession when he finally got to reveal his heart at the final rose ceremony. i mean, it must have been hell for this idealistically moralist nice guy when he got to adhere to the rules of giving both girls the chance to woo for his hand. when all he ever wanted is honesty..

hmmm...

these few days i've been thinking. thinking long thoughts. long thoughts during even longer sleepless nights.

and  i found myself jotting this rather forthright note somewhere, in response to echah's blues 2nd.

sometimes, bila kita berterus terang dan cakap kita sayang seseorang, direct to the point dan takde berselirat lagi, tetiba orang tu senyap je dan tak kata apa-apa. kawan pun tak, benci pun tak, suka pun tak.

macam mana tu?

bila kita call, dia tak angkat. bila kita sms, dia buat tak tahu.

bila dia call, seolah-olah takde apa2 yg berlaku sebelum ni, everything the same aje. as if the fact kita lost contact tu takde makne pada dia. dia pick up the pieces and act if everything normal.

bila jumpa bersua muka, kata2 bisu sahaja yg mampu dipancarkan dari matanya.. kata-kata bisu yang saya tak mampu tafsirkan tanpa kepastian kata-kata nyata.

as if i’m in the Bachelor show, the guy still can’t say what he really feels. suka pun tak, tak suka pun tak.

i miss having a direct communication. sekarang ni rasa macam bercakap dengan dinding. kadang2 meluat dengan dinding tu, tapi sesekala rindu gila dan tak kisah bercakap sorang-sorang dengan dinding.

haddoii..

and i wonder, maybe i've kept the feelings inside for quite a time. there are moments i wish that my words would reach out and touch his heart.

warming and consoling like the passionate fires licking the embers upon a very cold freezing night on a secluded wooden cabin up on a snowy mountain top <- vivid imagination, this one-

and i remember echah's quote:

I don’t want you to do thing just to make me happy.
I want you to do it because it makes you happy too.
I want you to be happy when you are with me.

is that too much to ask? honestly, am i asking the wrong person here?

am i?

me: the snob?

things i do when i'm in the cruella mode :)

ok, ok, i don't want to spew any more unwarranted poison for today. it's just that today, i found myself with much freedom of words, to be true to a part of myself that is always kept dormant.

yup. i've been called a snob. by my own self-loathing self. :grins:

ice. i AM cool: coolly distant, coolly assertive, coolly laughing within my snobbish heart at how some wee mere mortals are scheming with something that i consider of a base instinct with even lower human intent.

dingin. saya ratu dingin. the icy Queen.

tanpa perlu diseka kebenaran, saya seorang yang seorang. alone. adakah itu yang menyebabkan saya menjadi sefrigid begini? atau adakah kerana saya dingin kaku yang menyebabkan saya jadi seorang yang tertawa sendirian?

hmmm.. i think, maybe it's a bit of both.

perhaps at first, i'm a little bit of a snob. thus, i was left alone. and when i was alone, i devised a scheme to not feel the bereavity of the loneliness by turning myself into a bigger snob. i sort of tuned off the feelings of being alone by silently laughing at those who are of lesser mortals.

perhaps. or it could be the other way round.

questioning which is first could be constituted similarly under the dilemma of which is first: the egg or the chicken?

i got into thinking seriously about this snobbishness today. and truthfully, the subjects of my mocking outlook are of those people that someday i might end up married to.

do u know why i like vesper lynd of casino royale so much? because she shares the same characteristics with me. we have secrets, and we have this twinkling smile that often be construed as snobbish.. it belies the truth of our much fragile self.

sometimes, i am of mere mortal too. but in part, i still have that vain bone, the one that is always confident i am destined for greatness, to have creme brule' and not settling for a mere jello.

men with power often pique my interest. and those who are not with the driven ambition, well, i could only extend well wishes for them, which i really meant my whole heart.

never the one to mean ill-will, dear..

cuma, saya rasa saya menjadi snobbish bila memandang lelaki-lelaki yang suka-suka memancing tanpa mengenali ikan-ikan yang dipancing. main lempar je umpan yang sedikit geleman dipandang. mereka mengharapkan ikan-ikan yang lapar. tanpa memandang diri sendiri, muhasabah dahulu persediaan diri untuk mendapat rezeki seenak ikan stim masak tiga rasa atau ikan tilapia bakar jalan bellamy.

no. i'm not. i can't be a fish who just take the bait and be done with it. maybe that is what that made me what u see as snobbish.

kadang2 saya tersenyum sendiri bila saya membaca umpanan yang cuba disembunyikan di sebalik tindakan. terasa kesian, lelaki akan tetap lelaki..

dan saya, entah, mungkin satu hari nanti saya akan berubah. takkan lagi buat jahat sebegini.

mungkin satu hari nanti, akan ada pemancing yang benar2 mencari dan sabar menunggu saya. that he understands me as it should be. that even though i am a snob, he knows which is the first, the egg or the chicken first.

mungkin.

well, this does not constitute as cruella talking, kan?

perhaps, satu hari nanti saya akan bertemu jua dengan pemancing hebat itu. trust me, he is, and truly is, the great Fisherman.

er, bears are supposed to be great fishers, right? :)

holding everything in

these few days, i've put off all writings. holding everything in.

thus, such pent-up thoughts came out in dreams.

mak slipped off the wet kitchen floor. so, i got the plausible reason needed to take a few days off. mind you, my present esyubi sangat berkira-kira.. i mean, i know the timing is 50-50, with fida away, che'man busy in H and che'din still learning the ropes. yet, i needed the escape. room no.7 suddenly evolved into a claustrophobic place. i needed to get away. with hanya kau yang mampu conquering my airwaves constantly, i couldn't think much of anything else.

i deserve the escape.

and after some time of diplomatically emo-maneuvering him, i got the permission for 2 days off. after all, it would appear that he's not very lenient if he continued to evade seeing my logical reasoning, right? i mean, i, of all people, would love loathe to point out that with the meeting 8 days away, it would be only wise to get me the break first before i cranked up and started to make silly mistakes  he would pipe up for all the people to hear.

so there. he made me miss my former esyubi dreadfully sometimes. i miss laughing earnestly to esyubisi's outrageous quips. it felt like aeons ago when i had the chance to learn about life from him.

dato' and i, we had our arguments, misunderstandings and such. but i found myself missing a father figure, sometimes a scandalous one at that, when we were away. i remembered working over time, tarrying with tikayesyukay's overdemanding whims whilst he was abroad, it felt so hard not being able to have his guidance.

entahlah. kata orang, bila kita dah tak mempunyai, kehilangan dan terasing, kita akan rindu dan mula memahami erti sebenar menghargai.

i wish he knew that despite all, i really care and wish him well. that the next time i met him again, my jubilant smiles are really sincere in communicating how glad i am for being able to know someone as colourful as him..

today, i received a letter from my former division. it informed me that i am eligible for pergerakan gaji biasa. it also informed indirectly that this time, for the second consecutive year, i am the officer with the highest performance marks of my division. it made me feel good about myself, dear. furthermore the letter was also forwarded to my present division head. perhaps it further consolidates her belief in my sterling performance here.

i know, it took me quite a time for me to settle down nicely here. why? because here my ego takes a very solid beating. being the senior in terms of service, yet new to the working environment. i was always criticised for being too thorough in my work, thus taking so much time to complete an assignment. it was horrible, the early 2 months for me. yet, i learned quickly to get a grasp of the things here, hungering always to learn and absorb everything. i reveled in doing extra checking to help me improve my work. attentive, consistent, dedicated and unrelenting.

nowadays, when i become adept with the assignments, the esyubi complained when i completed too much assignments in one day. oh, well..

i'm very good at holding every emotion in when i choose to. ask Abang if he cares to answer. how i often behaved nonchalantly when we got to see each other. holding everything in.. whereas in the non-physical entity, i am rather physical in expressing what i truly feel. the dreams are taunting, the only outlet where i got to be passionate in my truest form.

last weekend, i went home for mom. a brief stay. and the journey back, i arrived 430 in the morning at hentian putra. with the confidence i didn't really feel, i hiched a ride in a bus heading towards hentian kajang. there, i started to feel the regret for taking the bus there. instead, i should have waited for a bus heading straight to putrajaya..

of course, there was no direct bus heading from kajang to putrajaya. i was left to stew there, amidst calls for taxi rides. and i did something i shouldn't have done. i took a ride in a phantom taxi. it was an illegal taxi, which i didn't realise at first. it was a rather uncomfortable ride, with my breath stuck in my throat the whole time. it was already 6 in the morning and i checked, blatantly, for the door, whether it was child-locked or not before settling in. i was uncomfortable, remorseful and suddenly faking the calm that i didn't feel. tell you what, it wasn't the only thing that i fake during the terror ride. i found myself suddenly with a husband that is currently working out of town and that we've been childless after a happy long marriage. and i am a mere clerk, making ends meet in putrajaya. i tried discouraging small talk with the unknown man (i know i was stupidly reckless in taking his offer) but he too sensed that i distrust him, thus compelling him to talk incessantly.

god. i promise myself i won't take such unnecessary risk again. though i was often reckless with my own person, it is only tantamount on me to preserve the good name of my family and the name of my husband-to-be as well.. after living so long, repressing the thoughts on the harm a man can inflict physically on me, it all came back within the fifteen minutes ride.

i'm so good at holding everything in, don't you think? repressing the ugliness of humanity.. believing, remembering only good things that i want to feel good with.

perhaps it's my way to take care of my own self. obliterating the fears by simply not thinking about it. when the ugly terror comes, i could only depend on God to keep me safe. for i have no other for me.

it was hellish last week when jeff was recuperating. i got to wake up early and take a bus to and from work. the 10 minutes travel became an hour affair. the frustration, the humility, the humbleness was tantamount. i suffered emotionally when i had to walk in the dark, late at night to reach home no.7 after work.

that's why i'd been literally quiet last week. if i started to talk about it, even a jot, i was afraid that i won't be able to endure the next day's trip without bursting into tears.

maybe ida manja. sensitif. emo.

but to tell you the truth, boarding the bus, enduring the walk alone in the dark, swallowing my ridiculous fears of being raped/ molested/ abused as i tried to reach home safely, was indeed a bruising mark upon my soul. i was scarred for life.

and to make it worse, i got to watch loving ones fetching their spouses, being with somebody who cares about their welfare. me? i got to reach that home. quick. alone. safe.

it's like reliving a very awful nightmare where all your screams are muted in your head.. night after night.

and it reminded me that i AM alone. that i have to take care of myself, all by myself.

perhaps, it was my fault for holding everything in. for appearing to be fearless, too independent that guys forgot that i still have the vulnerable girl inside of me somewhere. she's still there, cowering in aftermath of the ugly horrors in her life.

some say, people who hold everything in won't be able to control the emotional dam when it suddenly breaks..

i do let go of the flowing torrent occassionally. yet, there's so much more kept in.

so much more..

mimpi lagi

semalam mimpi memegang tangan seseorang.

mungkin kerna semasa nonton congkak semalam saya mengimpikan muvidet sama Abang.

mungkin.

Abang pernah berjanji nk belanja saya nonton wayang.. sampai sekarang masih tinggal sebagai janji..

sigh.. takpe. saya akan sabar menuntut janji. mungkin tahun ni, mungkin tahun depan. mungkin lepas kawin kan? <- kalau tak kawin, maknanya tak tertunai la janji tu, kan?

berbalik kepada mimpi semalam, i couldn't remember the story. i only remember the bits and pieces. terbayang memegang tangan orang tersayang. kerana saya tak pernah memegang tangan Abang walau pernah terbuka ruang dengan peluang, saya merasakan tangannya lembut sahaja, tak kasar macam saya :">

mungkin peristiwa ruang dan peluang tu masih Abang ingat. di dewan kecil.. and we talked about it in your office. Abang ingat lagi tak?

masa tu.. well, i still feel the same, i cannot bear a single touch for fear that i'll want more. much, much more.

muvi det

"kaun mi in", sms Abg E semalam.

"kak ida tak kisah ke Mak marah?" soal salimah awal pagi tadi.

"ami dah terbau popkon ni", rengek Minkus just now.

ketiga-tiga respons yg dikutip bila plan tengok muvi dengan Abang E and minkus malam ni diutarakan.

belum pasti sama ada akan jadi atau tidak muvi det malam ni.. kata2 salimah yg paling berbekas. terkesima sekejap utk menjawabnya.

sukar nk menjelaskan my conviction. kesian jugak pasal tinggalkan salimah sorang2.. kesian sangat pasal after 2 days of stay, malam first tu je dapat kua dengan dia. the rest, busy kat opis. esok dia dah nk balik nilai..

in a part, i admire her resillience in staying true to mom's ultimatum. even though we, the children, are naturally belligerent, she still had the bone to not set foot beyond that line.

me? i lost count. not because i don't respect mom's wishes... well, maybe in a part, i am being disrespectful sometimes. it's just that, i choose which line to toe, that's all. in my convoluted sense of ethics, morals etc, i felt that her reservations against cinema rather biased and uncalled for.

besides, i don't hear anything against Abang E, Dqin n the rest of the boys getting the 1st degree for hopping into cinema anytime they like. it's a rather gender-bias ultimatum. agaknya maksiat yg ada kat cinema tu takkan terpalit kat lelaki kot? cuma menodai perempuan yang baik-baik sahaja...

actually, rasa sedih. this is the one of the two mom's lines that i refused to toe. her rather orthodox negative branding hurts.

kalau dulu akan rasa bersalah melanggar perintah. actually memang rasa bersalah pasal outright langgar papan tanda amaran. cuma kekadang, there'll be the time when i just become unreasonable, i just don't give a freakin' damn.

stubborn, i am. with prickling conscience that i chose to stiffle, no less.

sampai bila pun benda ni akan jadi bara...

macam mana nk jelaskan ek? hati rasa sedih pasal just because i like to watch cinema, i was branded with loose morals and lacking anak solehah fibre. it is something that i like and it helps me to de-stress, can mom ever understand that?

and she keeps throwing that bone, if i'm respectful of her, then i should this and that-

does she understand me at all?

the reason she gave was that should any respectable family come for my hand, they might be repulsed off the notion once they knew i am a cinema-goer.

in truth, i feel sad.

i really dislike going against her decrees, the quick branding, the unjust judgment. the sweeping statement. the emotional blackmail.

but all in all, i know she loves me. that she worries that her girls are one by one getting to be spinsters, like her sisters. old maids.

she reminds me everytime, unknowingly, without audible words, that no one wants me..

and that is sad because i could not say that out loud. for fear that it will come true. that it's the truth all along.

...

sunyi

tetiba saja angin sunyi itu menyapa

bertamu dalam jiwa

menitip riak kolam hiba

meluah rasa berseloka

sunyi itu sepi, kata orang.

to me, sunyi itu satu bunyi bising bingit di telinga, menyatakan yang diri terasa sendiri dan sememangnya sendiri.

i could be with crowds, all jubilant and happy, and yet i felt alone. sunyi. seakan sendiri di gurun Sahara, dipapasi pasir gersang berterbangan di ruang kontang.

sunyi itu seakan satu kedinginan. sejuk yang sampai ke sumsum tulang. mencengkam.

today, i felt it. like many other days past. and perhaps in the days that are to come...

to find someone to chase it all away, i wish. there is none. the kindred soul is yet to be found.

the one who identify the same cold in the warm mix of people, just by a glance. the throat tightens, will i someday be the recipient of such knowing look? the soul who understands how claustrophobic i could get amidst society, yet felt lonely when left alone?

a mess of contradicting emotions.

saya mencari orang yang sunyi. kerna dia tahu yang sunyi itu takkan sunyi lagi bila dikongsi bersama orang yang juga sunyi...

a thought from grey's anatomy

semalam melayan celoteh hausmet sementara saya. em. saya rasa saya dah terbiasa melayan tv sorang2. perlu masa utk adjust preference dan rutin saya <- ini nasihat mak bila saya mengomel :)

then, kak asidah left me to my own devices. main game yg baru dijumpai dalam komputer opis, heh! oh ya, bercakap pasal opis, semalam terserempak pok hing datin, my dad's cousin kat cafe aras G. he's a contract officer at MOA now, going to attend the investiture ceremony this monday. he mentioned that he was informed that i am to be relocated to Istana Negara in the near future. erk, huh? apsal tak tau pun? on what grounds? i AM perplexed and bewildered. THOROUGHLY. jadi penolong DPML II kot? <- ampun bang, melawak saja ^0^

anyway, kata-kata pok hing buat sub conscious saya tak lena. sambil melayan games, saya terfikir-fikir akan possibility tersebut.

time tu tv terpasang citer grey's anatomy season 3, 2nd last episode. dan terkesima saya bila scene ni dimainkan..

CRISTINA: "What am I supposed to say? 'I swear to love and cherish you every moment of everyday of my life?' I mean, that's not real. I mean, that's not how it works, right?"

CALLIE: "It does, at first, but then it..."

MEREDITH: "It passes."

IZZIE: "No, it doesn't. You guys are just used to it, that's all. You already have it, you have that thing everybody else wants. You can take it for granted, but let me tell you, if you didn't - if you couldn't be with the person that you love, I guarantee that hearing him promise you, love you and honor you and cherish you, no matter what, it would be pretty much all you could think about."

CRISTINA: "Wait, can you say that again? Just slowly."

MEREDITH: "You're talking about Denny, right?

IZZIE: "Right."

didn't i told you that izzie is my fave character in GA? the way she said it, i felt and i identified. more than one way or another.

kita mudah ambil mudah, kan. bila kita tahu orang tu sayangkan kita, dan akan maafkan kita walau macam mana pun kita lukakan hati dia, kita ambil mudah.

mendengar celoteh junior di ofis, she's my muse at the office, teman berkongsi kutuk-mengutuk, i wondered at her constant angst regarding her bf's unwillingness to come home to Malaysia instead of working in Dubai.

i listened to her rants. and i wondered. they already went pass the threshold of joint-commitment declaration. the only contention was that the guy just won't say when he's going to make a honest woman out of her. they will marry when he came back from Dubai, he promised. so, instead of being grateful of such commitment, she kept asking him to come back.

isn't that mengambil mudah to you?

i feel that she's already lucky that they are having two-way commitment with each other. and i also understand that she's come to the point when she yearns for marriage. i understand that. but i also understand that marriage comes to those who least expect it. and i also think she needs to reasses her reactions towards her bf, lest she turns him away.

and in this case, i became Izzie Stevens. i know what the right steps to take, what the right words to say, but i don't have George.

i don't have George..

excuse me, i need to go and have my quiet moment of self-pity..

gone baby gone: a question on my sense of ethics

i watched this fascinating piece with minkus.

orang tersayang diculiki memang sangat menarik, jujur dan saspen. what made me like the story even more was that it made me think long and question my sense of ethics.

what will i do if i were in his shoes? return the baby to her haywire mother or leave her in the care of good people?

i like the film, i really do. the story telling was superb, the momentum never dropped and everything was smooth. i was left guessing at every point. even though i know the fake robbery was perpetrated by the character played by the buff-looking ed harris, i was squirming in my seat, nerve-wrecked by the intention of the crooked police, afraid of any possible gunshot taking the witness down.. i squirmed, my dears.

i love the way ben affleck weaved two children kidnaps into a seamless story; the way casey affleck narrated both cases with much sadness, wariness.. how the first baby was lamented its loss, yet, the latter latina kid, no one ever sought his help to find him.. only that by mere luck, he discovered the whereabouts of the kid, only too late. he shot the pervert who caused the kid's senseless death in the head. and i wondered, will i pull the trigger, too, if i were him?

will i?

i think casey affleck deserves an award for such a sterling performance. he's a vulnerable mercenary, yet unafraid of rushing ahead into action. i could feel his fear in my throat, the fast beating of the heart pumped by the adrenaline, yet i understood his actions, he needed to react to the situation instead of waiting, pondering in darkness.

for such bravery in vulnerability, i lauded him. really.

watch this movie if u have time.

it made u think of yourself. the values you have, the questions that are left lingering within..

minkus and me debated on the issue of whether we'd call the police and surrender the baby to its mother or simply walk away, knowing that we've done something to ensure her of a better life instead of the inevitable fate she'll suffer as a daughter to an addict.

minkus wanted to return the baby, that the chief has no right to her, no matter how much he and his wife dot on the baby.

me, i want to turn around and walk away. to be comfortable in the thought that she's in good hands now. but part of my head, knows it's unethical and completely against the law. i found myself contemplating to return the baby. not for her hopeless mother. but for my responsibility in upholding the amanah. human law by any rate, sucks. but, it is amanah that she needs her mother, by legal sense.

finally, i draw my conclusion. take the lesser of two evils. viewing this with my islamic principle, if returning the baby to her mother will ensure that she'd end up in worse care, i might have the liberty of tipu sunat, perhaps. of course, no such thing as tipu sunat. but if the omission of truth might help her live a much better life, i took the responsibility to walk away.

anytime.

minkus wanted to return the baby for her own reason: she pitied the baby's aunt. only to be let down by the fact that the baby's aunt doesn't have any further connection in the child's life at the end of the story.

sucks, kan?

oh, well~ c'est la vie...

learning about dreams

ever since i moved to this new place, i've been having trouble with sleeping and am more prone to anxiety attacks.

perhaps from the repressed emotion as well as the significant pressure exerted by the high expectations given..

after tossing and turning, forcing myself to sleep, when it came, dreams haunt me. not necessarily a nightmare even though there were a few times it also came. no, i dream and wake up remembering. wondering about the dreams and their meaning..

people say, dreams meant something. often, it reflects our sub-conscious telling us what is there that we left unresolved, or whether it bothers us deeply yet we leave it unattended.

last night i dreamt again. it was about Abang holding me close. peaceful. loved. that's what i felt. only to have him suddenly disappears..

then, his father informs me that Abang wants me to come to his mom's home and that he'll take me there.

i consented. yet, i was tardy, stopping for this and that. lastly his father left me in the care of Abang's younger brothers.

we became chums. and late. then the lovely brothers disappeared, leaving me to suddenly pedal a bicycle to reach Abang's home. only that the tyres were ruined in the middle of the journey.

and i woke up.

this morning, i thought about it. psychological aspects always fascinate me.. and i thought i'd learn more about dreams..

here are some excerpts of dream dictionary:

Lover

To see a lover in your dream, symbolizes acceptance, self-worth, and acknowledgement of your true inner value.

To dream of an old or former lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Your current relationship may be awakening some of those same issues.

Man

To see a man in your dream, denotes the masculine aspect of yourself - the side that is assertive, rational, aggressive, and/or competitive.

If the man is known to you, then the dream may reflect you feelings and concerns you have about him.

If you are a woman and dream that you are in the arms of a man, suggests that you are accepting and welcoming your stronger assertive personality . It may also highlight your desires to be in a relationship and your image of the ideal man.

Kiss

To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. 

To see others kissing in your dream, suggests that you are too involved in their personal lives and relationship. You need to give them some space.

If the dream ends just about you are about to kiss someone, indicates that you are unsure of how he or she really  feels about you. You are looking for some sort of relationship with this person but you are not sure about how to go about achieving it.

If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are kissing someone of the same sex, then it represents self-acceptance. You are acknowledging the feminine or masculine side.

To dream that you are kissing someone's hand, signifies respect.

To dream that you are kissing someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend, indicates your wish to be in a relationship and to experience the energy of love. You may be sexually acting out and desire to awaken your passion. Alternatively, it indicates a lack of integrity on your part. 

If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.

To dream of kissing an enemy, signifies betrayal, hostility, or reconciliation with an angry friend. Consider also the saying "this kiss of death". If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.  

Love

To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It implies happiness and contentment with what you have and where you are in life. On the other hand, you may not be getting enough love in your daily life. We naturally long for the sense to belong and to be accepted.

To see a couple in love or expressing love to each other, indicates much success ahead for you.

To dream that your friend is in love with you, may be one of wish fulfillment. Perhaps you have developed have developed feelings for your best friend and are wondering how he or she feels. You are so preoccupied with these thoughts that it is evitable that it find its way into your dreaming mind. On the other hand, the dream may also suggests that you have accepted certain qualities of your best best friend and incorporated into your own character.

To dream that you are making love in public or in different places, relates to some overt sexual issue or need.  Your dream may be telling you that you need to express yourself more openly. Alternatively, it represents your perceptions about your own sexuality in the context of politic and social norms. You may be questioning your feelings about sex, marriage, love, and gender roles.

it is true that i have some unresolved issues... and that i don't know how to rectify the situation.

yet, i have a feeling that i need to let go. to say that enough is enough.. i still remember the things Abang shared during our first date. his background. i felt the emotion still. it haunts me into believing that he is someone that i can understand, someone i can love.

maybe all i would have of him will only be in my dreams.. maybe.

but it will remain mine. never others.

a morning of reading political reviews

once i thought that differing political views does not amount to a very wide gap between two person.

i thought, well, wrong.

it was a lapse of a moment when i thought as such.

in fact, aeons ago, it was politics that added the wedge between me n MJr when we were young. he kept lambasting my rather then-orthodox political views, opting more on malaysian malaysia. i admit, i've grown a bit from such othodox path, with a touch of regret that i've matured a little belatedly on that score.

political beliefs are stemmed from our intrinsic self. it defines us, or rather, are defined by our own beliefs, our faith and our ideologies.

my dear Terengganu is being torn apart by differing political beliefs, brought askew by some personal motivations and ill gains.

at the moment, those who lambasted other people for disrespecting the King, are now committing the similar, albeit, more obvious, treachery.

all the more i felt that those who should step back and rethink their venture forth, must do it even more so, at this moment. don't they remember the 5 lines they made all of us learn?

Kepercayaan kepada Tuhan

Kesetiaan kepada Raja dan Negara

Keluhuran Perlembagaan

Kedaulatan Undang-Undang

Kesopanan & kesusilaan

people say, don't preach those that u don't apply yourselves.. now what? haven't past lessons enough for them to reevaluate and rethink beyond their sick convoluted personal gains?

this is nomore an age of swallowing everything without asking for plausible explanations.

oh! woe the heart of mine...

i'm neutrally apolitical. a partisan observer with a slightly orthodox views. political talks disturb me much into fearing things of the future. the recent BTN saw me swallowed my personal thoughts for myself and opened the space for other people's views. as a result, i learnt to understand more of the political climate and our history. and i learnt to care more.

so when such political debacle continues to happen in Terengganu, i feel for my state.

my King.

didn't they teach us Kesetiaan kepada Raja dan Negara first before Keluhuran Perlembagaan back when we were kids?

and i found the sacking of ungku Aziz from Angkasa top board post just because he motioned for investigations upon board members' who were alleged of impropriety, highly disturbing.. to me, should you have no records of misconduct, u shall not fear any query upon u. the truth shall prevail itself. right?

it is a sad, sad world we are leaving to our children~

tanda di tangan

Cuba perhatikan setiap garisan pada tapak tangan korang Dan bandingkan dengan garisan yang dinomborkan seperti di atas… Setiap garisan mempunyai maksud yang tertentu. Tapi jangan la panik, bukan semua garis yang dinyatakan itu terdapat pada tapak tangan korang.. And of course la bentuknya juga berbeza-beza.. Ada yang kurang jelas, putus-putus Dan sebagainya. So selamat ‘menilik’.. Jangan tersalah tilik, sudah la!

1. Garis Kehidupan
Garis bertanda nombor 1 ini adalah berkaitan dengan kehidupan kamu. Semakin IA panjang Dan terang garisnya, semakin baik maksudnya. Dikatakan seseorang itu akan panjang jangka hayatnya jika mempunyai garis yang sedemikian lebih-lebih lagi jika garisnya mencecah hingga ke penghujung.

2. Garis kecergasan
Garis bertanda nombor 2 ini pula bersangkutan dengan tahap pemikiran Dan keupayaan kamu untuk berjaya ke peringkat tinggi. Misalnya seorang pelajar, jika IA jelas, terang Dan lurus, IA memperlihatkan bahawa kamu seorang yang bekerja keras untuk berjaya dalam pelajaran Dan kamu berupaya untuk belajar dengan lebih gigih.. Bagi kamu, setiap kejayaan perlu disertakan dengan usaha yang gigih. Tidak hairanlah orang yang mempunyai garis ini mampu menjejakkan kaki ke me nara gading tanpa sebarang masalah.

3. Garis hati/cinta
Garisan ini melambangkan perasaan Dan percintaan kamu. Sekiranya kamu mempunyai satu garis yang panjang Dan lurus, IA menunjukkan bahawa kamu setia dalam percintaan Dan mungkin hanya mengalami satu episod cinta saja. Manakala sekiranya garis itu putus-putus Dan terdapat cabang-cabang lain, ini menunjukkan kamu mungkin mempunyai beberapa pengalaman gagal dalam bercinta sebelum menemui cinta yang sejati. Malah jangan terkejut, Ada di antara kamu yang mempunyai garis putus-putus ini ‘ curang’ Dan menjalinkan hubungan cinta dengan lebih daripada seorang gadis/jejaka dalam masa yang sama!

4. Garis kejayaan
Cuba kamu perhatikan garis yang bertanda nombor 4 ini. Adakah IA terdiri daripada satu garis sahaja? Kadangkala terdapat sesetengah orang yang mempyai dua atau lebih garisan ini. Dikatakan mereka ini bakal memperolehi kejayaan cemerlang dalam dua kerjaya atau apa juga yang diceburi oleh mereka nanti, mengikut garis yang terpamer di telapak tangan kamu itu.

5. Garis matahari ( Sun line)
Bukan semua orang yang mempunyai garis ini yang kelihatan dengan begitu jelas Dan nyata. Sekiranya kamu mempunyai garisan sedemikian, IA menunjukkan kamu akan menjadi kaya Dan terkenal dalam kehidupan kamu. Sebab itulah, Ada orang yang mampu meraih kejayaan dalam dua bidang yang dilakukan dalam masa yang sama. Ini kerana sudah tersurat bahawa mereka ini mudah mendapat kejayaan.

6. Garis kesihatan
Sama seperti garis kehidupan, sebaik garisan adalah yang kelihatan jelas, lurus Dan tidak putus-putus. Sekiranya garis ini putus-putus, ini menunjukkan tahap kesihatan kamu tidak begitu baik. Begitu juga sebaliknya.

7. Garis perkahwinan
Sekiranya garisan itu membentuk bulatan menghala ke arah kanan hingga ke tapak tangan, kamu diramalkan bakal mempunyai sebuah perkahwinan yang kekal Dan bahagia selama-lamanya. Perkahwinan wujud hanya sekali saja dalam hidup kamu. Tiada lagi yang kedua Dan seterusnya…

8. Garis bilangan anak
Setiap orang pasti ingin atau menyimpan hasrat untuk memiliki cahaya Mata sendiri bila tiba masanya nanti. Berapa orang anakkah yang kamu inginkan? Tidakkah kamu perlu mengetahuinya? Apa yang perlu kamu lakukan ialah dengan mengira berapa banyak garisan halus Dan pendek yang kamu miliki Dan IA sebenarnya mewakili jumlah bakal anak kamu nanti. Misalnya kamu mendapat terdapat empat garisan Dan ini bermakna jumlah anak kamu nanti ialah empat orang.

9. Garis perjalanan
Adakah kamu ini seorang yang sukakan sesuatu kehidupan yang mencabar, suka merantau atau melawat tempat-tempat asing? Sudah tentunya kamu ini mempunyai garisan perjalanan yang cukup jelas Dan terang, seperti yang dinyatakan pada garisan bernombor 9. Tidak hairanlah sekiranya kamu ini juga suka hidup berpindah-randah Dan mudah bosan dengan sesuatu tempat.

10. Garis kewangan
Setiap orang semestinya mengimpikan kehidupan yang sempurna Dan bahagia. Tentu sekali IA mudah dicapai jika mempunyai kewangan yang kukuh. Bagi kamu yang memiliki garisan bernombor 10 ini dengan jelas Dan terang, dikatakan kamu mampu memperolehi Wang yang banyak melalui pekerjaan yang kamu lakukan itu.

11. Garis pergelangan tangan
Cuba kamu perhatikan pada pergelangan tangan kamu di sebelah dalamnya. Terdapat garis-garis seolah-olah gelang kan ? Diramalkan, setiap garis membentuk gelang itu mewakili 25 tahun jangka hayat kamu. Kira saja berapa gelang yan gkamu Ada Dan ramalkan jumlah hayat kamu sendiri! Tapi awas! Jangan terlalu percaya sangat…. Ajal Dan maut di tangan Tuhan kan ?

Bila jari kamu dirapatkan….
Apa yang kamu lihat bila merapatkan kesemua jari kamu itu di antara satu sama lain? Adakah semuanya rapat-rapat? Kemudian Cuba kau perhatikan di antara jari kelengkeng Dan jari manis kamu sewaktu kamu rapatkan keduanya. Cuba dekatkan jari kamu itu dengan Mata kamu Dan tengok sama kamu boleh lihat Ada sebarang ‘gap’ di antaranya… Sekiranya kamu dapat melihat cahaya di antara keduanya… Bermaksud IA tidak rapat Dan renggang… Maknanya kamu ini seorang yang cukup pemurah. Malah kadangkala kamu juga terlalu boros dalam berbelanja. Walau bagaimanapun kamu ini bukan seorang yang kedekut! Sebaliknya sekiranya tiada ruangan di antara kedua jari itu bile dirapatkan, ini bermakna kamu ini kedekut orangnya Dan pentingkan diri sendiri! Betul ke? hehehee…kalau terkene jangan la mareee..

Sememangnya terlalu banyak rahsia yang tersemadi pada tangan kita…. walaubagaimana pun ini cuma ramalan saja dan jangan telalu fanatik sangat untuk mempercayainya.. cuba perhatikan setiap garisan pada tapak tangan korang dan bandingkan dengan garisan yang dinomborkan seperti di atas… setiap garisan mempunyai maksud yang tertentu. Tapi jangan la panik, bukan semua garis yang dinyatakan itu terdapat pada tapak tangan korang.. and of course la bentuknya juga berbeza-beza.. ada yang kurang jelas, putus-putus dan sebagainya. So selamat ‘menilik’.. jangan tersalah tilik, sudah la!

-> curik dari website orang. dulu SB and kak Pei Lee penah membaca tanda2 di tangan.. one thing that leapt out in consensus was that:

1. going to be successful
2. will know many elit, important people
3. will get married by 29 years old
4. will get money but will boros
5. will love someone but he's reluctant to take the step forward
6. might has stomach-related disease. <- kena control apa yg dimakan
7. will be happy once married
8. will hold high post

the rest i forgot. but kak pei lee cakap the signs changes every 5 years..

hmmm.. even though tak percaya sangat, still, suka baca.

motivasi.

the horoscope reading today got me thinking...

The Bottom Line

If you're trying to push a romance a little bit further now, ask for what you want.

In Detail

If you're trying to either start a romance or push an existing one along a little bit faster right now, you need to remember that your agenda will move a lot further, faster, if you open up and speak honestly. Don't try to trick or bribe someone into giving you more of their heart -- love doesn't work that way. The good news is that this person is going to be receptive to the idea of kicking it up a notch, so you have nothing to lose by being vulnerable. Ask for what you want.

-> i'm speechless... should i take the chance?

happy blogging (^^,)t

dengan keadaan yang huru-hara sikit di peringkat atas, kami pegawai bawahan masih terasa selesa..

hmm.. seperti biasa, cliche' mungkin, it's the quiet before the raging storm, perhaps?

apa-apalah.. tapi hari ni ida happy sikit. alhamdulillah, duit claim yang lepas2 dah masuk. tapi yang ida pelik sikit, masuk untuk apa? adakah claim baju songket RM 650 tu masuk lebih awal sebelum ida sempat claim? bleh ker camtu?

apapun, bersyukur dan berlapang dada pasal sempat settle CC for this month. from now on, i must apply yamin's good governance with regards to CC payments. bayar terus bila guna. that way, sooner or later, the bills shall be cleared.

em, keadaan mula hectic. domino sudah mula jatuh satu persatu nampaknya. for the moment, besides of e-susun, i have no particular portfolio yet. this friday will undergo an emcee audition. something to dabble into. hopefully i've gained something worthwhile from my old place. kalu ikutkan, memang nak amik kursus pengacaraan secara profesional. bleh la buat kerja sambilan, kan?

em, talking about kerja sambilan, i am interested in taking up a part time job as a movie translator. mana nak apply ek? crappy movie translation at the cinemas always bug and annoy me. masih ingat translation Miranda Seperti Paderi, kawan-kawan? it is supposed to be Miranda Priestly as of in the Devil Wears Prada. tapi some nimwits just translate it oh-so-freely.. sukatimakbapakdia je kan?

anyway.. given to the fact that i am not tied down to any MJM works yet, i do enjoy blogging and re-editing the misaligned posts..

with free time that is running its course shortly, i shall make use of it by blogging on happy thoughts. jix had been put on hold. with my hp still mutely comatose, the pix of home no.7 shall wait longer to be introduced to you people out there.

have faith. maybe my good luck for today shall produce much more happy tidings, insya Allah.

wm, tak sabar nak inform ayin of the good news ^o^

making use of the opportunity given

ayin is staying with me until saturday morning. horay!!

but in a part, felt a bit frustrated pasal tak dapat bawa dia jalan-jalan jauh sikit. asyik lepak umah je. nasib baik every morning sempat masak something untuk dia makan whilst i'm away.

it's a matter of budget burst. otherwise i'd feel much livelier having him around. everything these days seems to cost a bit of money, don't you think so too? i mean, even hanging around at mamak stalls will cost you RM20 inclusive of transportation cost.

as a solution, before scourging to hentian kajang for his bus ticket last night, we had our simple dinner first at home. cukuplah sekadar rasa kenyang. at these dire times, baru perasan yang yours truly ni ada jugak bakat kakajie in trimming the budget, huhu...

all in all, i'm becoming more resolute with my financial management. it comes to a point where i couldn't ignore it anymore. perhaps as i'm venturing forth in the maturity section, i thought much of it in a much soberer attitude.

true, life is not as extravagant as in Bahagian Istiadat. yet i am thankful of the humbling opportunity for me to much grow up and experience life as it is: humbling.

it's not that i'm going to become an Auntie Scrooge anytime soon. it's just that i will take much consideration of my financial budget.

perhaps bulan ni skimmed because i traveled home by MAS for the election, i spent a bit (huh!) on comfort materials (warmer coat, comforter, spring mattress etc), covered RM 800 for quarters alone dan macam - macam lagi la.

sape la nak contribute tabung duit utk ida simpan duit banyak sikit. mintak dengan yamin pun menarik gak, tapi rasa nk mintak dengan isi-isi tabung tu sekali, hahahahah..

apapun, it's a matter of self-discipline. of being stern with yourself and pre-planning.

this month's pay pun rasa akan terjejas jugak, another RM 800 for quarters alone. what with IKEA being on sale, i sure need that RM 80 throw for home no.7's sofa!!! and i sure need to replenish the depleting resources in the fridge. just essentials la, nothing major.

i promise, my VISA and its delectable frens, MC and AMEX, shall be tucked safely home for a while. maybe until next year :(

apapun, hidup mesti terus, kan? em, agak2 hono RM 2k tu dapat tak untuk kakitangan awam after keputusan PRU 12 yang mengujatkan semua orang ni ek? is Mr. Gov punitive or placating, i wonder?

hopefully placating. then, i'll have the opportunity to bounce back into grace. hopefully.

co-habitation: the next step of maturity, perhaps?

what co - habitation means to me: sharing a place to stay with someone.

after suffering a torrential tsunami in terms of my financial matters this month, i opened myself on ways to trim my budget and decisively carve a way for better financial management. somehow, besides of giving up the ultimate controlling power of my domain, i decided that i could get use to another fellow being. even though a big part of me somehow reluctant of the privacy breach, i decided that i will learn to tolerate, to endure and to compensate.

i admit, i am rather hostile to personal privacy sharing. physical exposure is a bit too much for me. yet, i have to coach myself to learn to share. besides, the company shared will be a chicken soup to my soul. other than mopping around alone on weekends and at normal nights, i'll have someone tolerable to live with.

after all, we both have been alone on our own for quite sometimes. sharing a place together, hopefully, shall be a fresh air for a change.

em, home no.7 shall start its rearranging tonight. with dear ayin at home, at least, i'll have extra pair of hands.. besides, ayin is self-acclaimed interior designer, he'll know what's needed to be done (^^,)t

yup. i think everything shall be much better after this. i won't be too alone anymore, insya Allah.

Kak Asidah,

home no.7 shall welcome you this 15th..

and for less than two months, m&d's room will be my temporary room.. a rather wise move now that the mattress were already delivered yesterday :p

surprised? a bit, i supposed.

last night i stayed up until 4 in the morning, listening to the comments and feedback in view of the 12th electoral results.

frankly, i feel a bit for the outgoing CM of penang. simpati. wish him well for his future. truly.

after living almost 27 years on the boleh-land, i finally took an active interest in the ongoings of the local political climate. perhaps after being a closet observer all these years, i think Abang's involvement in this election nudged me into taking active interest in the local politics.

don't get me wrong. i still am, naturally a mere observer, a neutral analyst. i vote. but i don't preach to those who chose not to. everyone is entitled to their private say. even the right not to exercise their rightfully rights.

so the present gov faced a reeling blow with 5 states gone. with mr samy gone too (maybe), well, our cabinet won't be the same anymore. i'd miss him, i do. in his sometimes misunderstood, misguided moments, i do admire his relentless fighting spirit nonethelessly.

and i'm glad the Iron Lady is still here. it won't be the same if she packs up her bags too. her high standards made me consider serving under her administration sometimes along my service in the future. fancy that, jumping from my current post into a pseudo closed service ministry for a chance to serve with her :) DD shall have a fit! perhaps i should stick to my current job and pick on the best brains first :p

i admit, i am a bit apolitical. i can't argue nor produce a valid political view to save my self, much less giving politically-inspired speeches. i much prefer being in the shadows, observing. sensing the environment. helping and assisting people. rather like isteri YB, huhu..

maybe.

on a much sombre note, i viewed the change in the votes indicates that the gov need to buck up and tune in to the public sentiments even more. that the economy, our economy, though quite stable we say, should be more people-friendly. the price hikes shall be monitored closely. no more offhand remarks on people suffering. yeah, we are still considered lucky compared to the crippled paraplegic even with our toes gone. but, do we want to feel lucky at that? wouldn't we prefer more of being