Shah's thoughts

bagus tak bagus?

semalam i blew my top. literally.

rasa &%^&*W^$`*@ sama itu pengurusan.

let me brief you.

miss A submitted her minutes by 230am saturday morning to one of the urus setia people. the process is a normal one, nothing different.

by monday afternoon, after miss A got back from her Umum PTK, her esyubi dah mencari-cari. kenapa?

rupa2nya minutes miss A tak sampai ke meja tikeyesyu dan tersangkut di bilik esyubi.

esyubi marah2 sama miss A. and won't take an explanation why miss A wrote her minutes in such format. he even went to the temerity of questioning miss A's explanation that she submitted her minutes on saturday midnight. later on he questioned miss A's way of reasoning, ridiculing the way she interprets the conversation.

so good naturedly whilst refusing for any word from miss A, he dismissed her. once she got to her room no.7, suddenly there was a call, esyubi's PA said he called for miss A. she went. and once there, he directed her to tikeyesyu's room. she went.

once she reached, with much concealed ire, the boiling tikeyesyu asked miss A of her MIA minutes. miss A tried to explain but her tentative response was rebuffed by the much senior officer. she was then booted out of the room, smarting.

imagine steam coming out. miss A went looking for the guy she handed her minutes in the first place. but the guy was not around.

she then proceeded to linger at the esyubi's PA cubicles. there she got the explanation. it seems during the revision and sorting of the minutes, under a certain kaypiesyu's order, miss A's minutes were put aside and not submitted to tikayesyu's room. but, they kept the thing secret.

before retiring to her room, miss A approached esyubi's room once again. after being patient with the nonsense, she got to explain her reasoning, complete with proof and examples of past minutes in similar vein. after listening, then only esyubi admitted that she was right in her reasoning.

there! in the process of that, miss A got her name smeared. she was blamed, ridiculed and made to look like a fool. the entire afternoon, she was pissed off and she felt like hitting something. hard.

and this morning, she found that almost 65% of what she did was preserved as it was. and there, to top it off, the ever smiling esyubi came smiling to room no.7:

"minute u memang bagus. after this, i will give you to do minutes that are no less than 10 minutes. u ada potential. i nak groom u utk jadi penulis minit yg lagi bagus-"

"terima kasih Dato'."

that was the gist. korang rasa bagus ke tak bagus sebenarnya situasi ni? to me, it's not too much of a recognition, rather like a punishment. kalu selama ni kurang dari 10 minit dah kena balik sampai pagi, kalu no less than 10 minutes?

tak bagus. :(

energy thoroughly spent

this week proved a sterling record, for 4 nights were spent at the gym, on the treadmill.

sigh, hasilnya hari ni saya rasa badan macam terapung-apung tak jejak tanah.

penat.

hari ni kena tulis minit. confirm OT lagi. last week almost 3am. this time?

i got to learn finishing up early.

tapi bila fizikal dah lesu, jiwa dah kacau nak escape dan cari freedom, camne?

hari ni jugak statement agak keras telah klua dengan jelas:

i know it's life, but i don't want this kind of life!

in response to encik indra khairil's tut-tutting:

ala, biasalah. kitorang pun dulu camtu gak, it's life.

don't u ever think of NOT swallowing everything, conforming to the edicts, toeing to the line, just because everybody is doing it before and no one has dared to change it for the better?

kenapa tak boleh kita berusaha memudahkan segala urusan, menyeragamkan dan saling membantu dengan semangat empati?

manusia ni kan, bila dia dah rasa sulit, ada 2 jenis respons.

1. akan devise cara supaya orang lain takkan merasai kesulitan yang sama yang boleh dielakkan kalau dia ambil tindakan proaktif.

2. akan buat tak tau supaya orang lain akan merasa kesulitan yang sama dan akan mengelak sendiri di lain masa. ala2 self-learning la.

agak2 korang la, korang ni di kategori yang mana?

i mean, dalam persaingan ghaib yang agak gila di sini antara psu2, i was a bit mad, broilling even bila kelemahan manusia (human error) wujud atas sebab kelemahan masing2 yang subjektif kepada kepentingan diri dan bukan kepentingan sejagat.

entahlah.

sekarang ni, my aim in life is to be the best that i can be, to not lose my individuality in the crowd.

and in the mean time, i shall strive to maintain my fitness regime. no matter what.

wish me luck!

take 5ive!

tengah2 bizi menyiapkan verbatim kedua that later on needs to be transfomed walla!- into a polished minute, i suddenly decided to take a breather and talk on my blog instead.

i want to talk to you.

can u understand that? hari ni saya menterjemahkan rasa saya into audible phrase, i feel like leaving the place soon. maybe latest by next year.

in a way, i am a bit annoyed with my present esyubi. selalu dia buat self promotion that left me gagging. kata orang, respect is earned. and truthfully, i think with regards to my current personal feeling, i think he lacks that. at the moment, i don't know whether he deserve my respect or not. perhaps after this, we'll look into this once more, k?

hmm..

tadi masa tengah bizi siapkan verbatim, dipanggil utk jadi usherette lunch for the ministers. haddoiii! letih berdiri tunggu orang for sejam. sedangkan kerja menanti kat atas banyak lagi. nasib baik hari ni takde post cab. kalu tak, nak kena semak minit lagi. benci. semua nak kita yang settle kan.

pastu, the icing in the cake was that he wanted to mentor me in minute writing this evening.

sigh... the horror of it all. i mean, i'm not that good in minute-writing. i AM good but at least not by tikayesyu(kay)'s heavenly standard yet. but it is much botheration when you reach her 70% marks on your own effort whilst when you submit your minute that is already revised countlessly by him, you only got 60%.

why bother, i think. besides, one day, in order to set me crushing at my rightful (lowly) place, he intentionally mentored my minute that was actually tikayesyu(kay)'s in the first place into a something that i begged to differ. he bulldozed it nonetheless and as a result, the next morning, tikayesyu(kay) asked for the minute to be reset as written earlier. promptly.

from there i learnt. and let me tell you, i learn my lesson well. sometimes, in the land of big egos such as here, some people enjoy crushing other people's confidence for no sane reason other than to set them at the proper place. regardless.

so, do i enjoy it here? -shrug of shoulders-

i don't know.

i miss my old place. and i also revel in the experience i gain here. jadi lagi matang. lagi berdisiplin dan menjaga diri.

and there were times when i felt that the bounties given are limitless.

kekadang terfikir plak, maybe it would be better if we have a subtle change in administration, perhaps?

"kami mahu *, natang!"

(tersenyum)

well.. life goes on. now i still got my verbatim to settle.

sabar!

DD once wrote on the firefighting syndrome that is plaguing our civil service. i concur. and i think my esyubi got the syndrome. always ordering us about like kids in multiple errants every other minute on his whims. :angry:

haddoii.. cruella, pegi siapkan verbatim awak!

holding everything in

these few days, i've put off all writings. holding everything in.

thus, such pent-up thoughts came out in dreams.

mak slipped off the wet kitchen floor. so, i got the plausible reason needed to take a few days off. mind you, my present esyubi sangat berkira-kira.. i mean, i know the timing is 50-50, with fida away, che'man busy in H and che'din still learning the ropes. yet, i needed the escape. room no.7 suddenly evolved into a claustrophobic place. i needed to get away. with hanya kau yang mampu conquering my airwaves constantly, i couldn't think much of anything else.

i deserve the escape.

and after some time of diplomatically emo-maneuvering him, i got the permission for 2 days off. after all, it would appear that he's not very lenient if he continued to evade seeing my logical reasoning, right? i mean, i, of all people, would love loathe to point out that with the meeting 8 days away, it would be only wise to get me the break first before i cranked up and started to make silly mistakes  he would pipe up for all the people to hear.

so there. he made me miss my former esyubi dreadfully sometimes. i miss laughing earnestly to esyubisi's outrageous quips. it felt like aeons ago when i had the chance to learn about life from him.

dato' and i, we had our arguments, misunderstandings and such. but i found myself missing a father figure, sometimes a scandalous one at that, when we were away. i remembered working over time, tarrying with tikayesyukay's overdemanding whims whilst he was abroad, it felt so hard not being able to have his guidance.

entahlah. kata orang, bila kita dah tak mempunyai, kehilangan dan terasing, kita akan rindu dan mula memahami erti sebenar menghargai.

i wish he knew that despite all, i really care and wish him well. that the next time i met him again, my jubilant smiles are really sincere in communicating how glad i am for being able to know someone as colourful as him..

today, i received a letter from my former division. it informed me that i am eligible for pergerakan gaji biasa. it also informed indirectly that this time, for the second consecutive year, i am the officer with the highest performance marks of my division. it made me feel good about myself, dear. furthermore the letter was also forwarded to my present division head. perhaps it further consolidates her belief in my sterling performance here.

i know, it took me quite a time for me to settle down nicely here. why? because here my ego takes a very solid beating. being the senior in terms of service, yet new to the working environment. i was always criticised for being too thorough in my work, thus taking so much time to complete an assignment. it was horrible, the early 2 months for me. yet, i learned quickly to get a grasp of the things here, hungering always to learn and absorb everything. i reveled in doing extra checking to help me improve my work. attentive, consistent, dedicated and unrelenting.

nowadays, when i become adept with the assignments, the esyubi complained when i completed too much assignments in one day. oh, well..

i'm very good at holding every emotion in when i choose to. ask Abang if he cares to answer. how i often behaved nonchalantly when we got to see each other. holding everything in.. whereas in the non-physical entity, i am rather physical in expressing what i truly feel. the dreams are taunting, the only outlet where i got to be passionate in my truest form.

last weekend, i went home for mom. a brief stay. and the journey back, i arrived 430 in the morning at hentian putra. with the confidence i didn't really feel, i hiched a ride in a bus heading towards hentian kajang. there, i started to feel the regret for taking the bus there. instead, i should have waited for a bus heading straight to putrajaya..

of course, there was no direct bus heading from kajang to putrajaya. i was left to stew there, amidst calls for taxi rides. and i did something i shouldn't have done. i took a ride in a phantom taxi. it was an illegal taxi, which i didn't realise at first. it was a rather uncomfortable ride, with my breath stuck in my throat the whole time. it was already 6 in the morning and i checked, blatantly, for the door, whether it was child-locked or not before settling in. i was uncomfortable, remorseful and suddenly faking the calm that i didn't feel. tell you what, it wasn't the only thing that i fake during the terror ride. i found myself suddenly with a husband that is currently working out of town and that we've been childless after a happy long marriage. and i am a mere clerk, making ends meet in putrajaya. i tried discouraging small talk with the unknown man (i know i was stupidly reckless in taking his offer) but he too sensed that i distrust him, thus compelling him to talk incessantly.

god. i promise myself i won't take such unnecessary risk again. though i was often reckless with my own person, it is only tantamount on me to preserve the good name of my family and the name of my husband-to-be as well.. after living so long, repressing the thoughts on the harm a man can inflict physically on me, it all came back within the fifteen minutes ride.

i'm so good at holding everything in, don't you think? repressing the ugliness of humanity.. believing, remembering only good things that i want to feel good with.

perhaps it's my way to take care of my own self. obliterating the fears by simply not thinking about it. when the ugly terror comes, i could only depend on God to keep me safe. for i have no other for me.

it was hellish last week when jeff was recuperating. i got to wake up early and take a bus to and from work. the 10 minutes travel became an hour affair. the frustration, the humility, the humbleness was tantamount. i suffered emotionally when i had to walk in the dark, late at night to reach home no.7 after work.

that's why i'd been literally quiet last week. if i started to talk about it, even a jot, i was afraid that i won't be able to endure the next day's trip without bursting into tears.

maybe ida manja. sensitif. emo.

but to tell you the truth, boarding the bus, enduring the walk alone in the dark, swallowing my ridiculous fears of being raped/ molested/ abused as i tried to reach home safely, was indeed a bruising mark upon my soul. i was scarred for life.

and to make it worse, i got to watch loving ones fetching their spouses, being with somebody who cares about their welfare. me? i got to reach that home. quick. alone. safe.

it's like reliving a very awful nightmare where all your screams are muted in your head.. night after night.

and it reminded me that i AM alone. that i have to take care of myself, all by myself.

perhaps, it was my fault for holding everything in. for appearing to be fearless, too independent that guys forgot that i still have the vulnerable girl inside of me somewhere. she's still there, cowering in aftermath of the ugly horrors in her life.

some say, people who hold everything in won't be able to control the emotional dam when it suddenly breaks..

i do let go of the flowing torrent occassionally. yet, there's so much more kept in.

so much more..

inculcating the sense of belonging

the last couple of days saw me with the inability to blog.

bukan fikiran kosong, tapi sekadar merehatkan diri dan emosi selepas melepaskan letusan-letusan dalaman sebelum ini.

know what, yesterday i made up my mind that i haven't work diligently enough on inculcating the sense of belonging in this room no.7..

kesian plak, kan? in fact, apart of changing the password on this computer and adding to the favorites, there's no other indication that this is my computer. no fave songs, no important anecdotes saved. nada-

and in a part, i don't seriously believe i belong to this fraternity of close-knit people yet..

am tardy, i know.

well, will work on it.

on my way out to catch up with mis lin. miss echah may drop by if she has ample time. lunch!

a post that made me laugh out loud this morning!

Lost In Translation by punitha of galaxie blog

Posted on 30-Mar-2007 5:18:43 PM

A few nights ago I caught this B-grade horror movie, Sleepwalker, on Astro starring Brian Krause from Charmed. He played a creature with supernatural powers and one of it was the ability to make himself invisible. In this one scene, a sheriff comes into his home and the creature goes invisible. The sheriff says to his partner, “There’s no one here.” Then he turns around and says, “I feel a cold draft in here.” The Malay subtitles for the second part read, “Saya nak bir sejuk.” Hello?! Who does these subtitles? Draft here means "angin sejuk" or "saya rasa seram". Not, "saya nak bir sejuk"! Here are some other classic blunders: From a war movie: “Incoming missile. Duck!” Translation, “Itik!” From a drama: “I hate you, period.” Translation, “Saya benci awak, haid.” From a sci-fi movie: “Shoot at will.” Translation: “Tembak Will” From a teen drama: “She’s one cool cat.” Translation, “Kucing tu sejuk.” From a war movie: “Fire!” (as in shoot). Translation, “Api!” -> hahahaha! i feel exuberantly cheerful as i read this post by punitha. it simply reinforced my wishes in becoming a translator to these movie subtitles. really! anyway, thanks for the laughter, punitha! you cheer me up in this cold room no.7 :)

loitering at the office, missing Qayyim dreadfully~

we got the orders to stay put at the office tonight, in preparation for tomorrow's super important announcement.

the camaraderie here is evident, the staffs and officers are chatting merrily with each other, whiling away the time.

me? i'm in my room no.7, surfing and blogging. not much of a people's person, am i? hmmm... given times, i could bear being with crowds, yet, other times, i'd rather be in much, much private environment.

i'm recalling my dear beloved Qayyim. i thought that he did have his exam today and that i didn't have the time to wish him best of luck. as i spent 20 mins talking to him just after maghrib, i found out that his exams were post-poned. talk about getting lucky, right?

i miss having him around. and he miss being here too.....

this is definitely not his pix, in case you guys wonder :p

even though i admit that his cute self does resemble this lil' monkey.

my Qayyim is a good person. his sense of humor is razor-sharp and i simply adore having him around. we're both moody and temperamental. yet we understood each other so well...

i know, i miss him a lot. coming home to an empty space, imagining him tinkering with harry potter's book in his hand, us discussing malaysian politics and hp logics in the same breath, God, i miss him!

...

hope he's well at home. till next time, i'll wait until we're reunited again~

mengantuklah!

hari ni, disebabkan cuma tidur lebih kurang 2 jam, saya jadi mengantuk bila waktu rehat.

pagi tadi dah breakfast nasi goreng as early as 8 am. then, kuar impromptu lunch with kak aida around 12.30pm. first time try yongtaufu b2, boleh tahanlah.. yang lebihnya berborak la.. jumpa staf2 istiadat. masing2 nampak masih maintained, cuma to me, kak aida pun nampak dah susut sikit. we talked about work, gosip-mosip and financial matters.

kak aida cakap bila memangku 44, the pay will be much-much better. hmmmm.. bagus la kalu cenggitu. nak menunggu 5 bulan lagi tu macam lambat lagi. memadai la ida scrimp dulu as a 41 ni. i'm not a total splurge. it's just that i hav a tendency to shop!shop!shop! when i am terribly upset. thankfully, i think, until recently i've come to terms with my internal peace in order to practice better restrain.

i'm growing up, it appears. sombre and solemn. alhamdulillah.

anyhow, after such a rousing emcee audition this morning ( sub b said: you secara overall, ok. you ada ability untuk pace slow or fast whenever you choose to do so. sesuai untuk majlis rasmi dan separa rasmi. that's good :p ), i felt my fatigue catching up on me once i settled into the office with nothing much proactive to do. 

i slept for about 35 mins before shaking myself up into this freezing limbo. ada rasa macam nk tido sangat, but i fought it hard. after all, i never, never sleep during working hours for no valid reason.

mula la buat aktiviti melawat kawasan. nk baca paper pun bosan rasanya, sejuk melampau ni menyebabkan saya sakit kepala. portal plak sunyi jer....

saya cuba mengatasi mengantuk ini dengan mengapdet blog, makan sebiji prun dan sekeping biskut tiger. baru la rasa okay sikit. then, trainer saya yang baru called. borak sikit sebanyak dengan suara serak2 basah saya ni, we agreed for an appointment.

kawan2, ada apa2 aktiviti yang boleh menyumbang menghidupkan otak yang dah beku ni tak?

oh ya, rasa sesuai gak saya share plans saya hari ni, Qayyim sekarang ada di alamanda. dalam jeff dah siap baju sukan saya. ya, kitorang plan nk main boling after work!

tonight kak n abang azuan again going to spend a night at home no.7 for a 2nd attempt at their Bali escapades tomorrow morning  :rolleyes:

and Qayyim is boarding a bus home by 9 am tomorrow. sigh.... i shall miss him so!

semalam berSMS with dad. he asked: how's yr 'bibi' di sana?

to which i replied, rather fervently exuberant: buat saya SANGAT happy! dia adik dan teman yang SANGAT baik...

shucks! now i feel dreadful of having to wave him goodbye tomorrow :(

shucks!shucks!shucks!

people say, make good use of the time you have left, don't dwell much on the moment you have to bid each other adieu.

i'm totally miserable. thankyou. except that now i've gotten over my fatigue n migraine. the office is still cold, thankyouverymuch!

miserable

to the lowest pit.

squashed.

.

felt like dripping into nothingness, menghilangkan diri. vanish into the thin air. alone.

maybe after this i'll feel much better. i need to keep my head above me. being around people who are used to be in the pressurised environment, kiss-@$$ing know-it-all golden boy and uptight prune, i won't back down.

people say, it's a measure of yourself when you don't quit when tested. when bested.

i know that sooner or later the dam will break. but i'll be damned if i let anyone cower me into the corner.

always defiant even though i'm on the losing end.

i need to feel useful. to feel better about myself and do something good~

today i received a letter.

Cik Shahidah binti Sulong, PTD Gred M41 dari Bahagian Kabinet, Perlembagaan & Perhubungan Antara Kerajaan, Jabatan Perdana Menteri ditukarkan ke Bahagian dan Jabatan yang sama, PTD Gred M41 (KUP).

Reading this, I felt such hatred. HATE.

Dear god,

grant me the strength... andai di sini bukan laluannya, biarlah berlapang dadaku untuk pergi-

me the green corn

huhu... today i felt like a green corn yang amat. not a green horn, mind you, but a putik jagung yang sangat la putik.

:(

rasa humbled and embarrassed. yang lagi best, the fellow i helped to the minutest detail, did me a favour, they wrote a tad bit unfavourable comment on my service.

deng!

shilake sungguh, pardon my emotional expression there. rasa nk menangis pun ada. tapi, ida tahankan je. i know that i'm going to need just the adequate training to master everything. just because i am a sterling officer at my place, it doesn't mean i can jet off excellently in a small amount of time without adequate training, kan?

this is SO a wake up call. malu sangat. my ego took a beating, because i know i am shamefully tardy. ditambah dengan lewat 5 minit because of Jfj's cranky problems this morning, terasa sangat-sangat...

apapun, on a much brighter note, i've excelled in completing verbatim in a much better time. perhaps because these CSoM converse wonderfully in English, i finished the 18.01 verbatim in a mere 3 and half hours' time. compared to previous MJM verbatim that took 6 straight hours last week, i felt much better today. (^^,)t

dearest,

have courage. you have the opportunity to tap on the brightest minds of policy-makers and political masters. enjoy and flourish, Miss Shahidah binti Sulong!

huhu.. now i felt like a Tom Marvolo Riddle plak :)