“I want him back. He is always mine. You know that.”
I was stunned. I had expected her to say that but to hear it with my own ears… Thank goodness that she had the compassion to ask me to be seated first. Dear God, what should I say? Do? Think? Julia held my hands and looking into her eyes, I knew that she, too, was in pain. After all, we were both woman, in love with Kay. The only thing that made us different was how we stand in his heart. Julia was, and is, his first love. Me? I was not sure whether he loves me or not.
Feeling tears threatening to come out, I held my stubborn chin up. “Julia, he is my husband now. What do you ask me to do? Give him back to you just like a fool?” Her tears slipped down. God, give me strength, I cannot cry here. Until she leaves.
“I’m not saying that you are a fool. I... I... I just know that my life is not complete without him… I need him, Shah. I tried living without; I tried everything but my life just stop without Kay. We have painted our future together that when I live it on my own, it feels so bleak.”
“What about my life? My future? Do you have any idea about that? Forgive me, Julia, other people also have their lives. You want me to shove him back to you and pretend that nothing ever happened in my life? Besides, are you so sure that he wants to be in your life too?”
I was so pissed, and vulnerable. Please, don’t let her see how insecure I am about Kay leaving me. How sure I am about Kay still remembering her whenever he thinks I’m not looking.
“I know that he still loves me. After all, we parted without goodbye. And we had been together for so long. Do you honestly think that love nurtured for 7 years can diminish just like that? Shah, you’ve been with him, like, 8 months? I know him better than you do. And you know that.”
How that hurts! I stood up abruptly, snatching my hands from her dainty little hands. “I am sorry, Julia, I cannot continue our talk anymore. I have to leave.” The short walk to the car proved to be miles of painful journey. Getting into the car, I looked back at Julia. She was crying softly, all alone. Suddenly my heart hurt even more. Should I go there and comfort her? Or should I leave and nurse my pain? Leave the girl who has always been the wall between Kay and me. I had every right to let her be miserable for what she had been asking me. But compassion won out against sheer pain.
“I’m sorry, Ju. I’m sorry.” I held her close, as close as I could. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. How really sorry I am for loving a guy so much to hurt a girl like her. We sat there, embracing each other for long minutes before we both stood up. In silence, we parted for home. Me, to my husband. He is my home. Now, what should I do? What should I tell him?
The drive home ate my soul energy. Guilt, pain, fear and insecurity are all mingling in. Guilt plagued me because it was me who took advantage of the situation when Julia left to further her studies abroad. In those days, I had been the spectator of their loving lives together. I had watched, hoped and waited for Kay to come for me instead. I wanted Julia to leave him so that I could comfort him into loving me. Not him leaving Julia for me. Maybe I was unsure whether I could win against the perfect Julia. Maybe I didn’t want to hurt her. Maybe I was a coward, despicable thief. Not worth his love at all. But, dear God, how my world seems to be alive whenever he is near. How I pledge my youth and future into being the one he ever needs. How he simply fits into my life and becomes my world. My mind tripped into the memory lane. On how I finally had the chance to be a somebody in his life. Insignificant somebody though it seems to me sometimes.
“Hi. It’s me, Shah.”
“Hi.”
“Sorry to bother you this late. I just want to talk to you for a moment. Is it ok?”
“I’m not feeling so good… I’m sorry.”
“Why? Are you sick or something?”
“Nope. It’s nothing like that. Well, I just had a few misunderstanding with Julia. She’s upset. Shah, I really am sorry. I’m deadbeat. We stop here, ok.”
“It’s ok. Have a good night rest.”
Conversation in that similar vein continued for 2 months. Kay and I were just friends in university. To him, I was just another friend who happens to be a female. To me, he was my soul mate for about 3 years before I had the nerve to call him up just to chat about nothing specifics. I just wanted to talk. To get to know him even closer. Even though I just got the wind about the seriousness of his relationship with Julia, I still wanted to believe that he would be my partner for life, eventually. The belief almost died until one night.
“How are you and Julia nowadays?”
“She’s leaving for the States.”
I was speechless. Why? When? Will he go too? But, he said “she”. I heard him laugh though mirthlessly that I could sense frustration oozing from every pore of his being.
“Hey, why are you laughing?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because it is the first time I had you speechless for more than ten seconds? Come on, I thought I had mentioned once that she was offered a place in one of the art universities there. I just don’t expect her to leave. Not after I have asked her not to, so many times! God, what should I do or say not to have her go?”
“Maybe she had her own dreams to pursue before she settles down with you. Maybe you should respect her wishes. Or maybe, she asks you to go with her. Did she already?”
“Humph... She did. But how could I leave now? I still have to complete my studies. Besides, what about my wishes? My dreams? I’ve got long awaited job offer from Proton soon as I completed my courses. Does she expect me to let go of all these things I’ve struggled hard for, just so that she can further her art studies abroad? As if there is no art university here. I mean, give me a break!”
“Kay, you know her better, right. Everybody has their own reason in everything that they do. She has the rights to her own life. Maybe there is chance for things to work out between you two. You both have your own dreams. If we expect other person to give respect to our dreams, we have to extend ours mutually. Perhaps, Julia wishes to expand her horizon, her knowledge, and her life before her marriage. Imagine her going there after marriage, leaving you and maybe the kids, just so she can achieve her dreams. It will be much harder for both of you. You certainly don’t honestly want her to let go of her dreams, just as much as you hate to abandon yours. Please understand her...”
Silence on the other end of line began to be unbearable. My feelings were in jumbles. At certain point, I was glad that she was leaving but at the same time, I feared that he would leave too. How my life will be without our weekly chat? I will never have the chance to be close to him anymore. And it also caused me distress to have him in pain. If only I could comfort him! Another long sigh was heard before he spoke again.
“I’m stressed out. I think I needed to rest now. Perhaps, tomorrow I’ll talk more sense into Julia’s head again. She could not do this to me. To us. I still could not believe this.”
“Well, welcome to the real world, K. One thing I want you to know is that, you can talk to me about anything; I’ll do everything I can to help.”
“I know that.”
“Good boy! I’ll appreciate it if I don’t have to remind you next time. Ok, now, I have to have my beauty sleep. If you’ll excuse me, I would like to say good night.”
“Shah…”
“Yes?”
“What are your dreams?”
“The one I had every night??”
“No, I mean, your wishes for future. What do you dream for?”
You. Of our children and family. In a home full of love and laughter that I never really had in my childhood. Someone that I belonged to and belonged to me. With love, trust and security. I dream for you, K.
“Hello. Are you dreaming already? Come on, you must be full of dreams.”
“Emm… My dreams are simple, really. I dream for a family of my own. To love and care. A life that satisfies our moderate needs. But I guess, my biggest dream is the love of my own and mine only. A love that is enough to help me live no matter how hopeless life could be and love other people back. Anyway, have a good night rest. I’ll call you next week. K, remember, if you love someone so deep, let them go. If they come back to you, then only will the relationship work. She loves you; don’t forget that. Things will work out fine.”
“I know. Thanks. Good night, Shah.”
“Sweet dreams.”
I didn’t know what happened between them later on. Not in details. He never discussed anything only to tell that they parted the day Julia left for the States. I accepted the fact that he refused to talk about the painful separation. I knew he really loves her all this time. That he would find ways to get her back. All I could do now is, extend him comfort, support, care and moments for comic relief. Maybe someday he’ll look back and understand that I am here for him. Always had. Always been. And always will.
I never expect the day to materialize at all until one day he called me up. Kay never, not even once, ever called me even though he had my entire phone numbers listed in his cell phone. So, imagine my shock when he asked me one simple word,
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you always there for me, Shah?”
I was speechless. Should I tell him? What will he say? Could I face the humiliation? Or worse, the rejection? God, should I confess?
“I have a dream. And…”
“And?”
“And it is always about sharing more of them with you.”
I held my breath. We both did. Silence penetrated my heart painfully. I felt like fainting, right there in public. God give me strength! Suddenly I heard him softly laughing.
“Did I hear you laugh, K?”
“Sorry but I just can’t help it.”
“Well sorry me, I just can’t help hanging up on you now! Good day, sir!”
“Wait! I’m really sorry, I’m not laughing now. Honest. Shah, let me tell you something first before you hung up.”
“What??!”
“Strangely, I knew the answer before I even asked you why. And lately, I’ve been dreaming of the same thing.”
With that said, he hung up on me. God! I imagined myself hallucinating but the reality had never been more real than this. But, what he really meant? I was deliriously perplexed; did he truly mean that he dream of sharing his dreams with me? What am I talking about? God, give me some answers! For I felt faint with disbelief and incredulity.
I got my answers two weeks later. Before that, he kept quiet about what transpired on that humiliating afternoon. Instead, he concentrated on my personal details; what I like and dislike, my family, my Master courses and sometimes he will confide in his personal life; his likes and dislikes. I felt awkward but glad. We were closer than I could ever imagine we could be together. To hear him laugh was something that I looked forward to. He was my sun, the light that kept me going through hard times. But, no matter how close we were now, it still couldn’t soften the shock when I learnt that Kay had seen my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. He was thoroughly in earnest, Dad said smilingly. I guessed he was impressed with the way Kay presents his self. Respectability, accountability and handsomely well-established future deeply ingrained in him. Mom had her misgivings for I had told everything that occurred between Kay and me, minus the late night calls, of course. But she also understood that I had pledged my heart into loving him. So, they said yes.
Now, here I am, in front of the house Kay and me had lived together as man and wife for the past 4 months now. Suddenly I realized that perhaps I was just a stand in. Someone that he needs to take care of him. Someone who could fill the void Julia had created. The tears just slipped miserably down my cheeks, she might be away for a year but truthfully, Julia had never left us. I always felt that Kay keeps remembering her when he looks at me. And I always wondered whether I could have the love he had for her from him, if not more, at least, as much. The sobs began to be uncontrollable. Maybe I should tell him about Julia. About her wanting to be in his life back. About me leaving him for good now. But, do I have the heart, the strength? ‘If you love someone so deep, let them go. If they come back to you, then only will the relationship work.’ The words I had once told Kay brought weak smile into my heart. Well, let things come as they come.
I washed up and after spending a quiet time with my prayers, I felt much calmer. My husband will come home with me cheerfully greeting him with no trace of misery I felt during the afternoon. We would talk later, when he was much refreshed. He was home as normal, at precisely 5.30 pm or so. He was always about precision and perfection but thanks to my wacky sense of time management, he could afford to be late sometimes. That is, if he dares to be late, J. After giving him a glass of water, I sat at one of my favorite spots; his feet, to shed off his socks. Rubbing his feet, we talked about our day and I was careful to omit the name of my old friend that I met at the Titiwangsa
Lake
during the afternoon. He didn’t ask further and I was not ready to spill the beans. Not yet.
We ate the meal we cooked together. He was a simple eater, he ate almost anything that I had thrown into the pot and called them food. To ensure that he eats healthy palatable food all the time, Kay would join my cookery ventures and it became unspoken agreement that we will help each other with the cooking. Other house chores, minus the ironing, were my turf but he was welcomed with a kiss to help anytime. He asked once, why not the ironing? And I answered him with demonstration; it took me more than an hour to iron his shirt and it still had creases on it when he put it on. So, he agreed, ironing would be his job and only his, period. I smiled at the memory. How I truly love this man!
“Are you sure there is nothing else you want to share with me, besides that salad?’
“Umm… What about my heart?”
He smiled at my answer. He never said anything remotely about his feelings. If he did, I couldn’t hear them. It was always me being open with my feelings and affection. But I knew that he really cared. Maybe someday he will learn to reciprocate them. Only now, with Julia coming into picture, flesh and blood, once more, will the day ever come?
After dinner, we settled to our favorite place, the only couch in the library room. Our love nest, I secretly named it. For in there contained our passion in books, movie tapes, DVDs, VCDs and other collectibles we both loved to keep. Being newlyweds, I had asked Kay to keep our house to be furnished with the basics only, before we could decide on what we both like. But, inadvertently, it was also because I was still insecure of my permanence in his life. Because deep in my heart, I always knew that this bliss would not last forever. And my fear will prove to be true tonight, if I had the guts to ask him.
This nest was the only room that I agreed to let Kay furnished it as he pleased. As a result, we were both cuddled in a cozy couch, just barely big enough for us two, with the 40 inches television screen in front of us, complete with home theater system. Extravagant though it was, I didn’t mind. At least, we could enjoy it together. Tonight, I got to pick the movie we will watch and I picked a love story that involves 3 people. Intentionally. For I want to give us chances to reevaluate our relationship. Snuggling into his arms, I studied his profile. His perfection overwhelmed me, even now. And even though he never said anything remotely to “I love you”, I knew deep in his heart that he really cared and what he never says, he shows by action. And his action of toying with my hair now, really made me feel loved. But would it last when I told him about Julia? The movie sound suddenly became silent.
“Am I much handsomer than your Matthew Connaughey tonight?’
“Umm... What did you say?”
“You have something on your mind. Tell!”
“I love you.”
“I know that, wife. You said it 10 times already tonight. Please, be honest… I won’t bite.”
“Can I get that in writing, husband? Cause I think I need that promise sometimes!”
“Don’t be such a smart ass, Shah. Honesty is all I asked.”
“Do you love me sometimes, K?”
He was taken aback at my sudden question. Looking at the screen ahead, he continues to stroke my hair mindlessly.
“Why?”
“Why what?’
“Why did you marry me, K?”
More silence that I could not bear. I held his face in my big, clumsy hands. Your eyes spoke volumes of affection and passion for me but I need the words, K. Will you give me that?
“I told you that night of our wedding that it is all right if you do not love me for I’ll love you enough. I promised to be the wife you have always wanted; a friend, companion and lover. But today, I have wondered, perhaps you need a wife that you really love even more. So I ask you, K, to be truthful. Do you love me at all?”
“Did Julia meet you today, Shah?”
“Yes. At the lake.”
“I see.”
“See what?”
“Perhaps you want me to leave for her? I assume she has asked you about that.”
“What if she had? Will you leave?”
He smiled to himself and that irked me somehow. No matter how much I really love this man; there are times when I feel like throttling him. Especially now.
“Does it matter that I still love Julia?”
“It does. Then, I guess, this is no longer my house. Excuse me; I have some packing to do.’
“Why?”
“Because... When we got divorced, I will move out. Then Julia can live here.”
“This house is under your name. Not mine.”
“Well, change it back! I can’t live here anymore when we get separated.”
“Why should we get separated? Have you ever heard of polygamy, wife?”
“K, you know that my father has not two, but three wives. And here you are asking me if I ever heard of polygamy? Honestly, K, I could bear that, if you want to marry another. But, if there is never love for me from the beginning, I don’t dare to stay on hoping for it. Besides, Julia will be hurt if I am still skulking in the background of your perfect happy loving picture. No, I think we should get separated, K. Please, have mercy for me.”
“Why should I? When I am not given any from you?”
He was pissed. I was exasperated. The tears I had fought to hold had slipped like big fat blobs of rain. We never fought like this. Sure we had a spat one time or another but never like this. I felt so helpless. And in dire need for the loo. Abruptly, I stood up.
“I love you.”
I was taken by total surprise that my ground felt as if it was yanked off from me. I gaped at him, my face a mess and he said he loves me. Which one of us is crazy here, I couldn’t tell.
He took my hand, squeezing it with affection. To my ears, he whispered the words I have been waiting since forever.
“You were there when I need someone to help me through my pain. At first, I resented you being there persistently. But, after a while, I began to miss your small talk, your awkward laughter and your passion in life. When the problems started with Julia, I learnt to appreciate your care. I had decided to ignore your feelings for me but when I heard about your dreams for future, I felt compelled to reevaluate mine. And that night, I dreamt. Of coming home to you and our children. And I started to realize that maybe in you; I’ll find my true dreams and live them. I never want to tell you about my feelings. Besides, what good can it do? In my book, Julia had left me for her dreams even though she had known I’ve loved her for 7 long years. No. Besides, your “I love you” is enough for us both. Times 5!’
“Don’t tease me so! Such confession from your heart could let me out of some considerable heart pain, dear husband.”
“I know. It is only when we started living together that I began to love you deeply. Returning home to a sweet loyal companion, playful and quirky friend, and best of all, passionate and generously loving lover was causing me pain for not telling you how I really feel. I love you, Shah. Even though Julia still has my affection but I will not let my chance to share my dreams of future with you go away like that. I love you. Only you.”
Looking into his eyes I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. Love is one beautiful thing. Finally, the man I had been dreaming of told me that he wanted to share his dreams of future with me. I kissed him with all the gratitude I felt. Thank you, God. For giving me chance to live my dreams. May we be blessed with love, content, comfort and security. Now and in the Hereafter.
“Dear husband who loves only me, how do you know that Julia did see me today?’
“She called and told me about it just as I was leaving the office. She wanted to meet me tonight and because I have a movie date with my wife, I said no. And I told her one thing…”
“That you love your wife very much????”
“No. I told her goodbye.”
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