Shah's thoughts

it started with hello VIII

i'm starting to develop a headache that just won't quit.

the memory of the way kushairi stuttered his response towards my question was rather humiliating.

i guess it was true that i had this tunnel vision when it comes to the issue of male-female relationship. the truth is, kushairi never intended to have any special relationship with me. the proxy, encik amin really is going to pay for this acute embarrassment, really! when i thought of the way i felt when i thought he intended to propose to me after 3 months acquaintance, god! darn so humiliating!

sipping my coffee by the kitchen counter-top, i wondered where in this line of life did i do anything wrong? the men in my life, what's wrong with my life? why didn't we ever click at the right time? or that when we did click at the right time, why didn't we want the same thing?

the aroma of the coffee was somewhat comforting. beyond, the rain drops were tapping on the windows, serenading its own music, spreading its own perfume, the smell of life afresh.

somewhat dazed, i sauntered near the windows, wanting to feel the wetness of the rain upon my face. the night air felt so cold, but still, refreshing..

dear god, give me strength to go on hoping these hopes of happiness. bestow upon me the heart of those who keeps faith even though u test me countlessly. it's been much too painful to watch all those glorious years went past together with my jolly laughters. to keep smiling even though all my childhood dreams are being snuffed one by one.

dearest god, i didn't ask for a knight in the shining armor to snatch me away towards the sunset. nor did i hope for the richest king to bend his knees and ask me to be a queen. but i wish, i wish that one day  you'll open up a path for a man who's been looking for me all his life and help him to find me. he might not be a king, nor will he be the bravest, most dashing man of all the time, but when he's mine, i'll make him feel he is all that. i promise.

the door bell suddenly rung. surprised, i turned towards the open door and there, stood someone that could be the answer to my prayers...

"hello, karina."

in his arms were two lovely babies, sound asleep. peaceful. 

it started with hello VII

"hello..."

his greeting brought me back to earth. smiling half-heartedly, i continued to sip my coffee.

after a minute that felt like an eternity, i looked up to find him contemplating me.

"what's up, karina?"

"hmmm...."

frustrated at my own self at not being able to voice out my emotion, i looked away. out of the window, there were the unending traffic of people minding their business.

"karina...."

his exasperated tone mirrorred my frustration. how could i tell him that someone else also wanted to share his life with me? and that at this point, i could barely think, let alone decide which one i'm more inclined in sharing my life with?

"kush..." his name ended with a sigh so deep within. i couldn't find the heart to go on.

"kar.. come on, talk to me. tell me what's bothering u."

how can i ask him whether he wanted to marry me or not? we barely known each other for like 3 months and this is our third outing together, for God's sake! he'd think me overly anxious to get hitched..

"emm.. if i ask u something, can u promise me that u'll give an honest answer? no matter what?"

"huh?" this time, it was him who went silent. staring at each other, i tried my best to appeal to hi wordlessly.

after a while, he shrugged off and sipped his tea before smiling, "ok. i promise."

"is there at any point in yr future that u can see me as yr wife?"

as tea snorted through his nose, i realised that being blunt with kushairi isn't the best policy. and somehow, in the same time, i know, deep down in my heart, what i really want..

it started with hello VI

he's married.

.. left with twins, both daughters.

... barely 6 months old.

....need to get married soon... leaving for Japan in 2 months time.

the words of Lola came back in pieces as the scented water bubbles warmed my dreary body. the reason why shafiq came back into my life now became much clearer..

an act of desperation.

thinking about it, should i be grateful he thought of me or should i disregard his intention as it was born out of desperation? unable to think more, i let the thoughts swirled unruly~

-blip-

shaking myself of the warm water bath, i reached out for the phone.

'at times, when we feel that we are at lost, with nowhere to turn to, it felt like the world may come to an end. yet, with just a whisper to Him who hears, a picture of sanity comes forth. i asked for the answer to my plight, and He showed me you. don't turn me down, Karina. kebahagiaan mungkin masih terlalu awal utk dijanjikan.. tapi saya akan cuba sedaya upaya utk membahagiakan awak selagi saya mampu. dan saya tahu, awak akan cuba sedaya upaya untuk membahagiakan..'

in truth, his honest words touch deep. too deep.

dearest God, do guide me through for i truly need You...

 

it started with hello V

with thoughts of shafiq swirling in my mind, i drove rather aimlessly home. soon after i finished my meeting, i had called office to inform them i'd be away for a few days. i needed some time to think.

the reality of marrying someone u had wanted to marry for so long, when it finally dawned to be a possibility, u suddenly realised that u r tired of waiting. that the patience had dried themselves up.

suddenly the phone rang.

"hello?"

"karina?"

"yes?" - i suddenly turned into a monosyllabic moron. her voice seemed familiar, yet so faraway down the memory lane, i couldn't recall.

"it's me, Lola. can we meet tonight? got something to discuss with u la!"

"oh.. Lola, what's up?" her vibrant personality suddenly burst forth into my mind. she used to be my course mate during university years but we rather lost contact. one of the selected person who knew about my history with shafiq. one who witnessed the pain in my eyes whenever shafiq was around.

shafiq.

darling, why does my heart felt that this call had to do with him?

IT STARTED WITH HELLO PART IV

Even though my heart had reached certain degree of acceptance, my logic couldn't resist to figure out the rationale. the silence between us seem comfortable enough as i continued to sip my coffee tentatively, lost in my own thoughts.

"Karina, do you mind us leaving?" his request tended to put a stop to my whirling mind. i looked at his proffered hand and smiled tentatively.

"it's ok, i have work to do here. Got meeting, you know?"

"ok. i'll call you then. there's a lot to discuss, but now is not the right time." he signalled the waiter and paid the bills before leaving me with a nod.

and soon as he left, i slumped my head to the table, GOD! this was surely something that i could not imagine happening to me! let's get married, easy for him to say!!

what about Kushairi? what should i say to him? the ever-caring Kushairi who's at this exact moment contemplating to have me as his wife? tentative plans were already made. believe it or not, i was falling in love with Kushairi despite my lingering faith in Shafiq. it's true, even though our correspondence was made through a proxy, i couldn't help smiling when remembering our first meeting. he was this sweet stuck-up guy but as we got along together, he's not that bad at all. to top it all, mother had approved of him as my life partner even before meeting him. and knowing my mother, that was indeed something unusual and of some sort a miracle.

darling, this is bad. this is really, really bad.

it startted with hello part III

"~i'm serious"

somehow, i turned sober at that. all the fiery passion, anger and hurt that had been clamoring to get out, to seek justice from that man seemed to find their immediate solace. breathing deep, "shafiq, i need time.. i need to assess this matter more clearly."

"that is perfectly understood. unfortunately, time is not of my abundant commodity."

his feature was calm and business-like, in fact, it seemed as if we were discussing business venture instead of marital matters. staring into his eyes, i tried to figure out what he was thinking but finding i couldn't. that fact alone made me hesitate my answer. where were the prayers of him who understands me most and me him?

"Karina, i need you, to say yes to your dreams. the dreams that i'd always denied the possibility for their reality yet now asking you to consider living it with me.. Remember? i have a dream..."

"and it is always about sharing more of them with you~" at that, my heart seemed to swell with hope, yet it was laced still with fear that this was of imagination only. i tried to believe that this day had arrived for me. it was hard to look at his face without disbelieving the reality. if only i could touch him and believe that this was not a lying mirage... clasping my face with my hands, i took deep breaths, trying to find answers of my own.

"rina..."

"hmmmm?"

"soon when we get married, i'll honour our promises of sharing. right now, you have to have faith in me."

dear God, after all these years, you've answered my prayers. maybe there were times when they slipped out of my mind. but you kept the faith there. though dormant, i know i never stopped loving him. never. yet now as he asks for me, i don't know what to say. what should i do, dear God? should i say yes and believe that my life is finally starting or should i wait even more? wait for a certainty that he needs me in the same way i need him? dear God, give me strength to do what is right for us...

after a few moment of deliberation, i raised my head and looked at him, this time with a quivering smile. "i've never stopped having faith in you~"

as an answer, his smile was the most beautiful i've ever seen. the best, even.

and i knew in my heart there and then, someday soon he would make best of his words. and i would have my One as promised.

it started with hello II

"hello karina..."

the solemn greeting of my name had the power to make my stomach lurched panickily. slowly, i  raised my eyes to finally meet Shafiq in person after so long.

"hello.." my cool facade seemed intact to hide my inner emotions. i smiled but it felt fake. his eyes remained cordial but unfathomable. getting my cue, he sat on the opposite chair. the nonchalant air he's having really got on my nerves as Shafiq continued to contemplate me.

"you've lost weight."

inwardly, i fumed. after all these years, was that the only ice-breaker line he's capable of? i remained silent and stared pointedly behind his head.

his lips quirked into a smile but i ignored the temptation to be goaded into a conversation.

"let's get married."

as if a bucketful of ice getting dumped on me, i snorted-cum-gaping "WHAT?"

that damn man was surely one conceited homo sapiens!

"karina, let's get married."

"but why?" my stunted brain seemed to gain its rightful capability.

"isn't that what you've always wanted from me?"

"i've long stopped wanting anything from u."

he smiled and shrugged his shoulders. staring at me languidly, he quirked his eyebrow disbelievingly.

ahhh.. there won't be any ending to this horrid nightmare of mine! with him leisurely challenging me to say yes, i felt compelled to dump this cup of coffee on his head, willingly! Karina, get a grip!

his mirthful eyes suddenly turned somber. "i'm serious."

it started with hello -pilot

this is a new story i'm developing right now... it will come chapter by chapter. the end? not yet identified :) just wish you will enjoy the emotional ride~

************************************ it started with hello ***************************

“Hello…”

The brief greeting was casually spoken into my ears. Suddenly my mind stopped in functioning, is this really him?

“Hello.” The errant mouth managed to betray my numb intellect to produce a feeble answer. My heart breathed disbelievingly, ‘Is it really you?’

“Karina?” His voice seemed urgent and full of concern.

And I was incapable of answering. It was really him. The man who broke my stupid adolescent hopes long time ago.

“Look! I am trying here to talk to Karina Abdullah. If you happens to be that person, please at least produce an intelligent reply!”

Snapping out of my infamous silence, “I’m Karina”. My voice was level and void of emotion. After all these years, I couldn’t let him know that he still had the power over me. No. Not anymore.

Taken off guard, the line went silent with no effort from me to say anything to make it bearable. I guess, he too didn’t know how to breach the silence when I was this uncommunicative. Why was he calling me, anyway?

“I’m busy at the moment. Could we make this call short?” My razor-sharp diplomacy skills were gone, just civil reply that would put my etiquette mentors to disgrace.

“We need to talk.”

After years of not wanting to even listen to my voice, let alone understand my reasons, he wanted to talk? The nerve!

“You are the one who needs to talk. Not me.”

“Fine! GOD! Why are you being so difficult?”

Somehow, that produced a wary smile to my face. “I’ll be at the Mandarin Hotel coffee club this afternoon, during lunch. Perhaps I could spare you a minute.”

“Fine.”

The line went dead. I turned to the gaping Airina who was there in the office throughout the call. She was definitely shocked at my transformation. Smiling warmly at her, “Well, anything else, dear?”

Shaking off her head, she politely albeit quickly exited my room.

Leaving me alone to ponder about the painful past~

Heard about what happened between you and Deeja. I’m really sorry. Hope you are ok now.

Thanks. Who’s this?

I’m Karina. Hope you are not mad at me anymore… At times like these, one needs really good friends to tide things over. Perhaps we could work things out and start being friends just like we once were.

I don’t need someone who has hidden agenda as my friend. I have enough friends already. Are you amnesiac or what? You sent me messages and I didn’t reply. Can’t you get it into your head that I don’t want to be friends with you? Let me spell this out for you. Even hearing your name is poisonous to me. Can’t you get a hint?”

I understand. Take great care of yourself. In God we put our trust.

Thank you to finally understand. You get on with your life and I’ll get on with mine, ok??? Good luck!!!

The SMSes once exchanged between us seemed etched in my mind so vividly. It was a definite crush on my ego and naïve adolescent hopes of ever making him see reason. It hurt me like hell because somehow, I could feel he blamed me for their separation. As if it was my fault to pray to God for my own the One which was indefinitely HIM.

And I was to see him again this afternoon. Darn it.