Shah's thoughts

adieu, shah's thoughts~

i know that sometimes i made abrupt decisions. coming and leaving as i see fit. saying love yous only to pick up everything and just flee. i think i'm done here, fellow readers.

at some point in my life, i did something drastic to severe the ties that made me unable to move forth with clean slate. and this, parting from you guys, being away is one of it. else, i'd remain much a teenager though i have already reached my 27 years of age.

there might be moments when i shall drop by again. the spotlight-hugging writer in me shall always be hunkering to write off something, right.

oh ya, talking about this, i sometimes wonder why did i publish these somewhat kooky thoughts for everyone to read? sometimes it's for myself, to remind me of what had happened and what shouldn't ( i have a very short term memory, ok?) and sometimes i could feel that u guys think i'm hogging the limelight.. kan?

the truth is, i love to write. there are so many stories, words, nonsensical thoughts that often scream to be out there and shared. maybe not many of you read my jots, angsty or hilarious (i wish!) they could be sometimes. but i still love to write. to talk. to share. walaupun penulisan itu mungkin akan menimbulkan prejudis atau prekonsepsi, terpulang. do bear in mind, there's a lot that was left unsaid. sebagai manusia yg masih dipantau dan tulisan2 ini oleh dijadikan bahan bukti, i have to put on hold some of the things that i wanted to share. so, you may form your ideas on me, that i could be so pathetic when it comes to my pseudo-Boyfriend or darn ungrateful when i became cruella, well, it's just a spectrum of the whole me.

adieu. i would miss this spot..

entertaining parents part Uno

it wasn't easy being an only child, no? the fact that you have to prepare yourselves physically, mentally and financially before you brace all the tests that come in the form of 2 persons that had raised you from childhood until you become what you are now. mencabar utk jadi lebih sabar dan attentive.

kan?

the previous weekend till this wednesday morning, i had devoted myself to entertain my parents and younger siblings that came to stay a while at home no.7. terus terang cakap, many of my routine and r&r plans got to be pushed backward to accommodate them. in fact, penat seyhh! time table full dari siang ke malam. bagi individu yang sentiasa dibiarkan seorang, adjustment yg bukan sedikit diperlukan..

i'm not trying to be cruella here. far from it. in fact, i am trying NOT to be cruella. walaupun ada sikit2 suara jahat menggila, masih tahu tempat letak diri sebelum diperingatkan ibu.. bukan mudah untuk jadi ibu bapa. banyak pengorbanan yg telah ayah ibu laksanakan tanpa bertanya panjang. nak duit? nak daftar asrama? nak itu? nak ini? seharusnya jadi malu sendiri andai cruella masih berseloka lancang.

kan?

anyway, penat tu tetap penat. cuma hati berbakti diikhlaskan sedalam mungkin. nak buat camne, buat masa ini saya seorang sahaja emissary family yg berkemudahan lengkap utk menerima dan membantu sanak saudara yg ramai. in fact, i think, i should just rename home no.7 to a more appropriate lodging name :)

all in all, let me brief you of my off days. i picked Mak, Put and Ayah at LCCT on the Saturday morning. mah and syuhada was to come later. even though Mak suggested we proceeded straight to Alamanda, Ayah asked us to get home first for breakfast. they had rushed for the KT-KL flight that he didn't even get to drink coffee and have proper breakfast. so home no.7 it was. had a scrumptious breakfast and then after chitchatting, a short nap in the afternoon. by evening, mah and Syuhada arrived, joined later by Bayah. as it was getting late, mom, me and put went to alamanda to shop for his essentials.

we then rushed home after a tiring shopping venture. by 10, went out to Taman Warisan for late dinner. sangat lambat, semua kedai dah tutup kecuali sate samuri who gave in to at least prepare us sate sans the nasi kapit. my treat.

next in the morning, after having a heavy brunch, we rushed to UIAM Matriculation Center in PJ. lepak there for a few hours. Mak still insisting upon compounding her last minute edicts that i couldn't help but snort in exasperation. really. kekadang kesian gak tapi Mak, she seems unable to change her spots. ever. kesian. kekadang menyesal jugak bila difikirkan diri yg terkadang tidak pandai mengambil dan menyejukkan hati Mak. semacam penat nak melayan :( tu belum lagi bila Mak dah tua rete and me with my own family, kan? cuma terkadang, rasa tersiksa jiwa raga bila mak degil-degil berkeras sebegitu... there, i took the chance to walk around to the kedai Kamal where i used to hunt for sundries and newspaper back in year 1999-2000. terasa nostalgik sekejap bila jalan2 kat situ. all the old buildings across the road had been replaced by Jaya ONE. they even have Nando's and kopitiam there, can you imagine that? anyhow, put settled down nicely and we took a few pix there.

later on, me as the sole child, went with mak and ayah to MidV. Ayah got himself a rather pricey N81. nice one. mak was so sporting to show effort and interest in Ayah's latest acquisition whilst me the marauding soul couldn't help but maraude. yup. i was so used of being alone. we later on settled on Nando's delicious treat. know what, the Diva treat was really turning me into a diva.. lambat dan incomplete service sungguh! but glad that mak and Ayah enjoyed my treat there. dad managed to tuck in more even though he had his Burger King earlier as we waited for the NAndo chicken to appear.

balik umah sampai malam, i was bumped. there went my weekend. penat siot. nasib baik applied cuti rehat 2 hari. otherwise memang tension la masuk opis on monday dengan penat sebegitu...

xde mood.

been having trouble sleeping these few days. mood jadi tak berapa elok pagi ni..

:(

buat kerja pun jadi tak semangat. nasib baik tadi kak haslin NRE singgah bawak paper. ada jugak rasa cuaca cam redup sikit. otherwise, kemarau kosong yang berpanjangan..

agaknya angau semalam dah habis ya?

oh, well, esok cuti, mak, ayah and seipu wil be coming to kl by flight.. kena entertain ibu bapa.. kena kemaskan home no.7 dan bilik mom&dad..

sigh, rindu semangat suka menambah furniture dan merias home no.7~ sekarang macam sifat pasangan yg dah lama kahwin. taking things for granted. tak boleh jadi, kan? kena spice things up balik. hmmm.. nak amik cuti dua hari utk kemaskan rumah la.. bilik buku tu pun kena buat spring cleaning. buku yg tak best boleh dikembalikan balik..

harap-harap sakit kepala ni tak berlanjutan.. nak shopping!

of twitchy lips

today, i haven't the faintest idea of the cause but my lower lip couldn't stop from twitching, as if being nibbled or something. it kind of spooky but exhilarating nonetheless.

is it a sign of a silent disease? or is it just a supernatural pehenomenon that our tok nenek have the answers?

em, nak google la kot-kot ada. rasa macam ada article pasal ni..

Bibir

Sekiranya bibir kanan bergerak menunjukkan anda berada dalam keadaan aman.

Manakala jika bibir kiri atas bergerak menandakan anda akan menerima berita baik

Kedua-dua bibir bergerak menandakan akan bertemu kekasih

maklumat suka-suka ni saya dapat dari laman tips ni. bleh percaya ke? huhu-

here's what i found from yahoo! answers, it says twitchy lips could be related to stress or low in potassium or magnessium. stress? maybe. low in potassium or magnesium? perlukah saya minum susu magnesia dan makan lebih banyak jemput pisang?

and from wikiAnswers i got this one:

Facial muscle twitches, like that of the eye or lip, are most likely caused by stress. Your body is under more stress when pregnant because of hormonal changes, so a pregnancy could contribute to a twitch. However, twitches could be caused by other stresses in your life, a change in birth control meds, lack of sleep or good diet, etc.

and for the record, i'm not pregnant. ok? thankyou.

even though, i would love to. be pregnant, at that. it will give me ample excuse to blow up like  a whale whilst my hubby still adores me to the hilt.

angie once confided that brad finds her sexier when she's pregnant. actually she elaborated more on that, and i concur her views even though it sounded a bit tacky there. yup, some girls got their glow manifolds when they are pregnant.

i wish, well, i wish :)

 

i'm yours

bukan bermaksud untuk berkongsi lagu jason mraz "i'm yours" yang disukai medsyam dan echah. sekadar rasa yang ada, rasa happy, rasa di awang-awangan.

buat seketika, terasa bahagia dan berlapang dada. rindukan seseorang yang sedang sibuk bekerja nun jauh di sana, hope that he thinks of me too with a smile. dalam jiwa, seakan berkocak rasa rindu yang istimewa hanya untuk dia seorang.. tapi diri seakan selesa memberi ruang kepada Abang untuk mengisi ruang sendiri, sometimes i wonder whether it is better that way..

it isn't that my thoughts aren't brimming with his presence. his smiles, his tendency to incline his head unconsciously as he speaks or thinks, his jibes, terbayang di mata everytime i let myself to be swept away. walau sesibuk manapun minda berfikir tentang kerja, sentakan ingatan tentang senyuman Abang tetap datang bertamu menyebabkan ummm, well, made me miss him a little bit more.

he made me felt that there's a hope worth cherishing. a guy worth waiting for. even though the odds are a little bit high, i wish that i will be able to have us happy together.

he will always be my someone to cuddle up to when the going gets tough and share your shoddy days with. my very own McDreamy.

mungkin suatu hari nanti, kan? now i'm all dark and twisty, hahaha :)

sigh~ i'm yours, Abang.

rasa ingin relax

been doing a bit of work today that at a reprieve, i suddenly felt like talking to you.

this blogging spot still has troubles with the format. kena buat setting secara manual, ada kalanya membantutkan selera untuk menulis apa yang terlintas dikongsi.

after venting my negative emotion yesterday, suddenly rasa kesian pulak kepada Encik H tu. i mean, ida tak boleh salahkan dia kalau dia tak punya kemahiran dan pengalaman yang bersesuaian dengan jiwa ida. terkadang terasa macam tidak hormat pula. walaupun disrespect itu merupakan tanda yang jelas kenapa ida tak sesuai berkawan dengan dia, well, ida patutnya simpan pendapat peribadi itu untuk diri sendiri. kan?

semalam, selepas puas menghabiskan masa di atas treadmill dan strider for about 1 hour and half, and then bilik stim selama 5 minit, i had a much clearer mind. life is good and getting better. i am deeply in love with someone. even though he can sometimes be a grizzly bear, he is different from anyone else i know. someone funny, serious, thoughtful, suka merajuk, patriotic, sensitive, respectful, complicated... apa lagi ya? the thing is that, i love him much, much so. whether he loves me back as much as i do, well, itu kita lebih baik wait and see, ya..

okaylah. sambung kerja balik. saya tak nak angau lebih2 :)

celaru

esok cuti.. kebetulan esok ayah, adik dan mak jah with clan dah nak beransur pulang ke terengganu.. dikin and mek pula scheduled for a flight to Sabah in the afternoon.. sesuai sangat kena bercuti..

ida sangat sensitif kan? bila upset, semua benda yg mudah dan simple pun jadi complicated. bukan ida mintak untuk jadi manusia yang complicated..

rasa celaru yang amat sekarang. terasa ada perkara yang nak dikongsi bersama, untuk dilepaskan dari bersawang dalam fikiran. tetapi buat masa ni, segala bait2 rasa yang ada harus disimpan supaya segalanya dapat ditelaah dengan tepat dan sewajarnya..

hopefully with the break taken tomorrow, rasa celaru yang ada akan dapat dirungkaikan seadanya.

rasanya, harus lebih matang dalam menangani keadaan, menelaah perasaan dan menatap kenyataan..

googling his story

hari ni bermula dengan sedikit down, after a rather sombre, yet kind and wise, lecture by Encik Aziz... hati ada rasa terubat bila dia explain reason why.. instead of the stab and retract method of esyubi, Encik Aziz made me understand why the improvisation i did was considered unacceptable.

i'm not too much stubborn a person, you know. but i resented toeing to the hazy imperfect lines wthout being given any plausible reason at all. i need to understand and believe first. i need to know. then only will i surrender to totally amend my practice and adjust my belief.

anyway, ida lepak kat portal, overloading the kopitiam :) then medcham somehow inadvertently gave an idea for me to google my name in the websites. saje. menghabiskan masa. then i thought of googling someone's story on the net. banyak jugak artikel2 menarik yang ditulis akan dibaca after this. except that he hasn't put anything much on the internet lately. sibuk kot? unlike me :p

oh, well.. my mood is still foul. nak balik pun takde semangat. em, Adik ada kat rumah, sampai pagi tadi dengan ayah and makjah's clan.. gotta go back soon then..

happy birthday

june has come for a week or so. it's a month of birthday celebration. angie had hers by 4th, then Qayyim and minKus by 6th.

and today, the King's official birthday. i feel much so sentimental about this..

a year ago, figuratively speaking, it was me there, being a someone, with someone particular that still very much into me.. i love my job and i take pride of it and the challenges that come with it.

and today, a year later, i was somewhat a nobody. i am good with my job but not making ripples enough and that i couldn't stand my current boss. it was damningly frustrating.i felt that all my thinking capabilities unappreciated and slowly eroding..

i miss all the wild hectic heydays. there at istiadat, i could be pushed and stretched to the strings yet at the end of the day,i found something of worthy that is mine to claim. i am somebody.

sekarang ni macam lost. bagus macam mana pun yr boss couldn't understand you enough. yr spirit got broken because they couldn't identify with yr vision and couldn't wait to break yr spirit.

i am rebellious,i give u that. in parts, some would say that i am obnoxious and meticulous and demanding. egoistic, don't forget that. but if i am not given a reprieve from this stiffling environment, i am afraid that i'd go bust.

just this morning, hearing Abang's voice over the tv as i cooked lunch for Ayh, Mah and Sapee, and i got to watch him thru the tv, my heart constricted. rasa sayu, so much that i've lost.. kan?

and then, watching the King as he displayed his hard-to-concealed ire towards his Mamanda, my heart went out for him.

i know i am a govt servant and that i should be loyal to the govt in office, yet, such blatant disrespect of the public trust and expectations, i felt frustrated. in anger towards the brains of the govt who failed to take the wise actions instead of dropping the bomb towards us, the mere ra'yat. do they feel the suffering of those incapable of doing much to escape the roll-out effect?

do they have to lunch with a mere nasi garam to survive? do they?

what steps the government are taking to walk the talk before shoving the people to jump the plank first?

what?

hati kesian pada ayah. too much burden he's carrying.. kesianpada mak. kesian pada abang E. kesian pada semua yang terasa beban yang sepatutnya dibantu kerajaan. mungkin bukan dengan subsidi, tapi dengan cara2 bijak lain yg dapat meningkatkan kualiti hidup rakyat..

happy bday, my King. hope there's something we can do together to stop this nightmarish reality from escalating  much worse than it should have been...

rasa nk shopping!

hmmm.. tetiba aje rasa gila datang untuk bershopping!

sandal dah putus.. baju dah sendat <- ini salah sendiri!

actually, instead of berjalan-jalan menghabiskan duit, seeloknya duduk rumah kemas umah, kan?

apa salahnya? kan?

cuma saya rasa saya bosan duduk rumah sorang2.. tapi saya juga tak nak lemas bila orang ada bersama saya..

camne ni?

apa yg saya nak sebenarnya?

kereknye dia!

dia: hello. ni kementerian mana?

saya: huh? jabatan perdana menteri

d: oh, hari tu, 30hb saya ada terima panggilan dari number ni.

s: amalia ye?

d: amalina.

s: kementerian mana ya?

d: kementerian Belia dan Sukan.

s: saya shahidah. saya nk mintak maaf. hari tu kete saya la yg eksiden dengan awak. time tu jem, saya tak dapat berenti. sori sangat. tu yg saya dapatkan number awak dari pakcik io.

d: kete saya calar tau. awak nak tengok, tengok la. bila saya basuh, nampak calar putih. tingkap pun gegar.

s: saya tau. saya nampak.

d: betul ke apa yang awak buat tu? salah kan.

s: um? maksud awak?

d: saya kat tepi awak. kalau awak kasi signal pun saya tak nampak. awak tak tengok sisi dulu kan?

s: saya dah tengok, saya dah kasi signal. dan saya tengok memang ada ruang.

d: awak boleh tengok calar kereta saya.

s: ya. sekarang ni macam mana?

d: kereta saya dah kemik. macam mana nak selesaikan?

s: tengoklah macam mana.

d: apa number awak?

s: hmm, sori, phone saya baru je hilang. call opis je la. ni number direct saya.

d: ok. nanti apa2 hal nanti saya call.

for yr info, budak ni umurnya 21 tahun. tapi intonasinya, tuhan je yg tahu betapa kereknya dia.

know what, rasa nak %#@# jugak sedas dua, tapi memandangkan polis dah nasihatkan supaya jangan lawan api dengan api, saya biarkan je dia kerek walaupun hati dah menyumpah.

nanti kalau dia minta gantirugi melebih2, memang saya akan sound jugak.

kata orang, ada ubi, ada batas.

hp baru

semalam masa pegi karnival jomheboh kat bukit jalil dengan salimah, hp saya hilang.

buat saya rasa frust dan hilang mood. secara tak sengaja saya telah terdrive ke kl dan pusing balik u-turn ke alamanda.

abis la 300 untuk beli tipon baru, cik norkiah 2600 classic. cantik. tapi saya tensen lagi. pasal saya tengah kumpul duit nk beli microwave dan bayar utang screen lcd laptop yg pecah hari tu :(

terus takde mood nk makan, jalan2 dan sebagainya.

kesian plak kat salimah yg mengendeng nk makan steamboat 16 hingget kat bangi.

sedangkan saya dah plan awal2 nk bawak dia pi makan kat wendy's atau domino pizza. haddoi.. hp hilang semua plan kensel :(

oh,ya. permata hati sudah ke johor menemankan bunda. terasa sekejap sangat bersama Qayyim walaupun dia ada kat home no.7 for about a week.. tak sempat nak jalan2 kecuali malam tu. pegi mana? rahsia besar :p

takpelah.. kalu Qayyim duduk kat sini sebulan pun belum tentu cukup.. kesian jugak sama bunda. nasib baik salimah ada, i enjoyed her company too.

hmmm... introducing miss norkiah, her number is 013 389 3225 :)

damaged by danity kane

Do-do you got a first aid kit handy
Do-do you know how to patch up a wound
Tell me, are you patient, understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I

I've tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me

[D. Woods:]
Baby, this situation's driving me crazy
And I really wanna be your lady
But the one before you left me so

[Chorus 1:]
Damaged, Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is Damaged
So Damaged
And you can blame the one before

[Chorus 2:]
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
Baby I gotta know
What are you gonna do

[Aundrea:]
Do-do you got a first aid kit handy
Do-do you know how to patch up a wound tell me
Are you-Are you patient, understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the hold on my heart and I

[Aubrey:]
You try to gain my trust
Talking is not enough
Actions speak louder than words
You gotta show me something
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again

[Chorus 1]
[Chorus 2]

[D. Woods:]
Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t
Cause it's d-a-m-a-g-e-d
Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t

[Aundrea:]
Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cause my heart is damaged

[Chorus 1]
[Chorus 1]

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it

[Aubrey:]
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged

-> tema rasa sekarang..

walaupun tak ragu yang hati mungkin akan rasa okay sikit lepas ni, tapi for a long while, you wonder whether it was you or another person or maybe it was the collective effort that made things difficult.

i much appreciate a good fren right now. someone yang boleh buat kawan dia rasa happy bila ada masa kawan dia tu rasa macam nak terjun lombong je.

bila umur dah semakin berkurangan, approach to life perlu berubah. as a human, bila method2 yang terdahulu tak berhasil, perlu ada peralihan pemikiran, peralihan keinginan dan peralihan spesifikasi yang dicari.

perlu praktikal dan lebih sedar kemampuan diri.

hmmm..

i couldn't help but feel that i'm damaged. dalam terma hati dan perasaan la. so, i blocked the negative energy out. buat2 kebas dan tak rasa apa2. and Abang, well, i think he feels nothing's different. i was a speck of dust that lingered a while, perhaps.

takde makna.

takpelah.. sometimes we have to be rational and take the facts as it is, tak perlu sugar-coated untuk menyedapkan rasa.

gone is gone. nak kenang pun tak guna jugak kan <- ayat pujuk memujuk :)

i will heal, i'm sure of that. cuma masa tu perlu cukup utk lebih tenang membuka cerita baru. ada plaster tak? hati saya berdarah sikit hari ni..

the irony?

The Bottom Line:

Even if you're not looking for a new romance, one will come along for you today.

-> what??!!! oh, the irony just kills you! >:(

In Detail:

Even if you're not looking for a new romance, one will come along for you today.

Of course, this love you feel might not be for a person. No, what tugs at your heart today might be a cute puppy, a fantastic new song, or even a movie.

You have a lot of affection to give out into the world, and not enough people to receive it. So it's not surprising that you would start to get creative about the devotion you develop. The world is full of joy, as far as you are concerned.

-> ooowwwh... i can dig that :)

dah putus-

after keputusan dicapai semalam, i feel much better. ada sikit kebas tapi biarlah, it's for the best for us both.

teringat lagu ne-yo, "go on girl"

I can't get it back, but
I don't want it back, I
Realized that,
She don't know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No I'm not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
I'm thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl, James and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didn't have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see I'm strong
Won't take long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please don't worry bout me I'm fine
(Please don't worry bout me I'm fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That I'll be OK
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

[V2:]
I can't get it back, but
I don't want it back, I
Realized that,
She don't know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
I'm in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Just not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see I'm strong
Won't take long for me to move on

[Hook]

[Bridge]
The mistake I made is clear
(we never should've been together)
That's the reason you're not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby I'm feeling no stress
I'm too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

takpelah.. perubahan dalam hidup itu perlu. perhaps it will not be an ultimate break-up but a rather official statement of us being inexclusive.

at the moment, i don't think i have the passion for any romantic relationship. burnt too many tend to do that to you. i feel that for the moment, i shall have a better care of myself.

pick up the paces and just jog away, numb but moving nonethelessly. one foot ahead at a time..

time to be alone

doing the book review on "who moved my cheese?", i identified the hankering need that was restless, my personal cheese is desperate of a change.

i need to change. and i need to  be alone. to rebuild and improve the main aspects of my life. i wish i could have a vacation, a break from anyone and any ties that bind. not a break towards losong- strange, i felt that home no.7 is much more of a home than any place else. that home implies home no.7 alone. my place. my domain. not any other place. not anymore.

and yet, i've somewhat become detached from it upon the terrible foibbles w mom last time. i mean, home no.7 no longer presents itself as a happy place. but a place with emotional scars, hurting remarks and tears too.

last night, as usual when a long farewell is in the offing, minkus and me fell back into the fix we often do whenever we are going to be separated. instead of murmuring happy wishes, we, maybe it was just me feeling strongly about missing her company when she doesn't even care, parted with angry sentiments against each other. we ended up with words and emotions that weren't supposed to be said at all. instead of saying goodbye, i walked away as fast as i could from her bus, tears rolling my cheeks uncontrollably in public.

terasa hiba pasal she's going to leave me waywardly here alone whilst she will be closer to someone who could make her happier: mom and the family.

and me. i couldn't be happy with mom and anyone else anymore. even qayyim is out of reach, what with his schooling and that he couldn't spend his school break with me anymore.

it's like being cut off from your own source of light.

sobbing in the car, i had the passersby worried. thus i drove away, my eyes blurry from the heartbreak.

and thank god that the late night stint at the gym helped to numb my mind from the deep hurt. i jogged and jogged until my lungs felt like bursting.

and i decided that this is the time for me to be alone. away from everyone. perhaps i shouldn't be selfish for demanding their company, not even for a minute, not even for a second.

i need to stop asking for the impossible. to put my pleasure of having them as company will only burden them as they don't feel as strongly as i do.

just spending time eating tauhu bakar with minkus or sharing a muvidet with qayyim, no more.

does minkus know that i will be a wreck when she's not around? that when mak forbade her from going out with me during these past few weeks, it was a very damning sentence upon the lonely, wayward sister?

and now, when she had much better opportunity taking the cimb industrial training, she goes to KB, with no much as a word for me to opine upon.

it dawned to me, she had grown up, nomore a little sister to be persuaded to spend the weekend at losong. she's nomore minkus. not anymore.

so there. this is time for us to have a break. i don't think i want to go back to losong at any near future. too much hurt.

and that i need to find peace within myself. lest i become a zombie detached of any feelings to avoid from screaming bloody murder at anyone.

macam kelakar sangat

kan

? if asked why this bottled rage against mom, i hated myself to say that it was her unrelenting stubbornness in imposing her will, her common sense, her unjustified stigma of us harmlessly goofing around.

sejujurnya, i wish for an opportunity to further my study abroad or getting the offer to work overseas. jauh dari semua orang.

i need to get away. to be alone and cut off from every damning hurt.

i want to stop this sickening need of wanting someone to make me happy when in truth most of the time, they  hurt me when it's clear that only i who need them to be with me.

sakit sebenarnya bila kita sudah terbiasa berteman sedangkan sebenarnya hidup ditakdirkan berkelana berseorangan.

so be it.

"-ami dah lama nk bagi tau. ami tak nak jumpa kak ida lagi dah!"

so be it.

and yes, it's over between me and Abang.

over. when i need and people can't never find the compassion in their heart to give even a bit, i learn to want nothing.

NOTHING.

holding everything in

these few days, i've put off all writings. holding everything in.

thus, such pent-up thoughts came out in dreams.

mak slipped off the wet kitchen floor. so, i got the plausible reason needed to take a few days off. mind you, my present esyubi sangat berkira-kira.. i mean, i know the timing is 50-50, with fida away, che'man busy in H and che'din still learning the ropes. yet, i needed the escape. room no.7 suddenly evolved into a claustrophobic place. i needed to get away. with hanya kau yang mampu conquering my airwaves constantly, i couldn't think much of anything else.

i deserve the escape.

and after some time of diplomatically emo-maneuvering him, i got the permission for 2 days off. after all, it would appear that he's not very lenient if he continued to evade seeing my logical reasoning, right? i mean, i, of all people, would love loathe to point out that with the meeting 8 days away, it would be only wise to get me the break first before i cranked up and started to make silly mistakes  he would pipe up for all the people to hear.

so there. he made me miss my former esyubi dreadfully sometimes. i miss laughing earnestly to esyubisi's outrageous quips. it felt like aeons ago when i had the chance to learn about life from him.

dato' and i, we had our arguments, misunderstandings and such. but i found myself missing a father figure, sometimes a scandalous one at that, when we were away. i remembered working over time, tarrying with tikayesyukay's overdemanding whims whilst he was abroad, it felt so hard not being able to have his guidance.

entahlah. kata orang, bila kita dah tak mempunyai, kehilangan dan terasing, kita akan rindu dan mula memahami erti sebenar menghargai.

i wish he knew that despite all, i really care and wish him well. that the next time i met him again, my jubilant smiles are really sincere in communicating how glad i am for being able to know someone as colourful as him..

today, i received a letter from my former division. it informed me that i am eligible for pergerakan gaji biasa. it also informed indirectly that this time, for the second consecutive year, i am the officer with the highest performance marks of my division. it made me feel good about myself, dear. furthermore the letter was also forwarded to my present division head. perhaps it further consolidates her belief in my sterling performance here.

i know, it took me quite a time for me to settle down nicely here. why? because here my ego takes a very solid beating. being the senior in terms of service, yet new to the working environment. i was always criticised for being too thorough in my work, thus taking so much time to complete an assignment. it was horrible, the early 2 months for me. yet, i learned quickly to get a grasp of the things here, hungering always to learn and absorb everything. i reveled in doing extra checking to help me improve my work. attentive, consistent, dedicated and unrelenting.

nowadays, when i become adept with the assignments, the esyubi complained when i completed too much assignments in one day. oh, well..

i'm very good at holding every emotion in when i choose to. ask Abang if he cares to answer. how i often behaved nonchalantly when we got to see each other. holding everything in.. whereas in the non-physical entity, i am rather physical in expressing what i truly feel. the dreams are taunting, the only outlet where i got to be passionate in my truest form.

last weekend, i went home for mom. a brief stay. and the journey back, i arrived 430 in the morning at hentian putra. with the confidence i didn't really feel, i hiched a ride in a bus heading towards hentian kajang. there, i started to feel the regret for taking the bus there. instead, i should have waited for a bus heading straight to putrajaya..

of course, there was no direct bus heading from kajang to putrajaya. i was left to stew there, amidst calls for taxi rides. and i did something i shouldn't have done. i took a ride in a phantom taxi. it was an illegal taxi, which i didn't realise at first. it was a rather uncomfortable ride, with my breath stuck in my throat the whole time. it was already 6 in the morning and i checked, blatantly, for the door, whether it was child-locked or not before settling in. i was uncomfortable, remorseful and suddenly faking the calm that i didn't feel. tell you what, it wasn't the only thing that i fake during the terror ride. i found myself suddenly with a husband that is currently working out of town and that we've been childless after a happy long marriage. and i am a mere clerk, making ends meet in putrajaya. i tried discouraging small talk with the unknown man (i know i was stupidly reckless in taking his offer) but he too sensed that i distrust him, thus compelling him to talk incessantly.

god. i promise myself i won't take such unnecessary risk again. though i was often reckless with my own person, it is only tantamount on me to preserve the good name of my family and the name of my husband-to-be as well.. after living so long, repressing the thoughts on the harm a man can inflict physically on me, it all came back within the fifteen minutes ride.

i'm so good at holding everything in, don't you think? repressing the ugliness of humanity.. believing, remembering only good things that i want to feel good with.

perhaps it's my way to take care of my own self. obliterating the fears by simply not thinking about it. when the ugly terror comes, i could only depend on God to keep me safe. for i have no other for me.

it was hellish last week when jeff was recuperating. i got to wake up early and take a bus to and from work. the 10 minutes travel became an hour affair. the frustration, the humility, the humbleness was tantamount. i suffered emotionally when i had to walk in the dark, late at night to reach home no.7 after work.

that's why i'd been literally quiet last week. if i started to talk about it, even a jot, i was afraid that i won't be able to endure the next day's trip without bursting into tears.

maybe ida manja. sensitif. emo.

but to tell you the truth, boarding the bus, enduring the walk alone in the dark, swallowing my ridiculous fears of being raped/ molested/ abused as i tried to reach home safely, was indeed a bruising mark upon my soul. i was scarred for life.

and to make it worse, i got to watch loving ones fetching their spouses, being with somebody who cares about their welfare. me? i got to reach that home. quick. alone. safe.

it's like reliving a very awful nightmare where all your screams are muted in your head.. night after night.

and it reminded me that i AM alone. that i have to take care of myself, all by myself.

perhaps, it was my fault for holding everything in. for appearing to be fearless, too independent that guys forgot that i still have the vulnerable girl inside of me somewhere. she's still there, cowering in aftermath of the ugly horrors in her life.

some say, people who hold everything in won't be able to control the emotional dam when it suddenly breaks..

i do let go of the flowing torrent occassionally. yet, there's so much more kept in.

so much more..

hapdet muvidet semalam

semalam balik awal jugak la.. berkejar-kejar dari putrajaya ke cineleisure damansara in case jem di tengah jalan. mah ikut sekali.

we arrived a bit on the time, after settle tickets, proceed to McD... abang E n minkus belum sampai2 lagik :(

borak2 with mah. i realized in a bit that i'm rather hard once pricked, ever since i'm young. and that i couldn't hide my annoyance with anyone at all. bila tak suka, memang jelas terpancar di mata. senyum pun macam tak mampu.

i can't pretend. kalu suka, memang suka. kalau dah tak suka, tak leh sorok-sorok. in a part, tak pandai jaga hati orang kot? hmmm..

Anyway, itu dua worang sampai sangat lambat. by 815 baru dapat masuk. dah le masa kalut-kalut tu tersilap masuk dewan tayangan citer kl evolusi drift, heh!

patut la konfius semacam, hahaha!

bila masuk hall, citer dah start. si lisa dah merepek-repek pasal opah. eee... hangin betul! lain kali datang awal bleh tak? klepekkk betul la!

anyway, citer congkak tu very disappointing la. sangat. memang la takut jugak dengan part yg seram. tapi storyline lemah gile. benci.

tengok sekali dengan minkus and abang E. si minkus menengok di balik jari, dah le seat sebelah dia kosong.. i was in the middle, abang E di sebelah kanan, kesian telinga dia kena piat masa terkejut first time opah tu menjengah di tingkap. nasib baik tak mandi popkon, huhuhu!

apapun, after that kitorang lepak kat mamak fourteen. borak pasal politik sampai tengah malam.. makan murtabak sesuap sorang sambil menyudu kek cheese secret recipe. yum!

best frens?

lepak kat surau masa kitorang yg lain melayan congkak.

one of the few nicest shots ever taken...

well, i had fun. it's a nice change to hang out with Abang E and adik2 minus the family..

malam semalam

semalam, after a rather sombre evening, been missing someone.. and discovering michael johns had been booted out off AI, rasa mandom, malas nk kua mana2.. tapi bila ingatkan adikku itu belum makan apa2 sejak jam 12, gagahkan juga diri untuk kua.

cadangnya nk cari gas LPG yg dah abis kat mini mart presint 9, area rumah lama echah. pastu nk proceed to fudkot. sesat aihh! berpusing-pusing :(

akhirnya sampai jugak. kerang bakar sungguh tak mencapai standard. mentah, tawar dan tak cukup masak. sosnya cair tapi pedas.

terjumpa gerai tauhu bakar. mahal sket compared to mapley. sos banyak. tapi kurang kick compared to mapley. hmmm..

nasib baik soursop blended sungguh menyamankan hati. mah pun suka, senyum dia bila dapat rasa suapan pertama.

bila balik, tapau roti john. buat breakfast.

once sampai kat umah, after adjust tong gas, terperasan fon ada missed call.

...

Abg.

7.51pm.

masa terbaca missed call tu, otak froze sekejap. Abg? as in Abg E? but the neurons kept clicking again, it's Abang.

perhaps he's returning my call. semalam on the way home from ofis, i was crying. rasa rindu sangat. tapi panggilan tak berjawab.

staring at the phone, tetiba je rasa bercampur-campur.. composed a short note..

anyhow, last night, a hazy dream is all i have.

perhaps it's enough for now..

sigh~

kursus di genting

last weekend, sabtu dan ahad, saya telah ke genting view, menghadiri kursus ICT, mencuba aplikasi baru MBKM bagi kegunaan division. semua perjalanan, penginapan dan makanan disediakan urus setia. it's as if i got all-expenses paid trip to spend a weekend there...

happy ke? tah.. penat. rasa tak perlu spend the whole weekend di sana pasal program dia simple-mimple. dah le programmer tersilap bawak prototype yg bermasalah :bengang:

apapun, supaya saya tak rasa sangat membazir masa dan tenaga sangat, saya telah berusaha bersungguh-sungguh utk memberi input mendalam. saya sangat sayang dengan masa saya. biarlah saya membazirkannya sendiri, kalu orang lain cuba bazirkan, saya jadi rimas. silap-silap saya boleh jadi marah.

cuba bayangkan.. kitorang bertolak dari ofis jam 11.30pagi on saturday. sampai, kitorang makan dan rehat2. by 230, taklimat kursus dan penggunaan sistem. by 445 dah settle. the next session was at 9am the next day, which comprised of technical training only. masa the first day tu pun actually dah buat technical training and program debug. IMHO, tak perlu technical training the next day pun, pasal diorang tak sempat nk ammend teguran kitorang pun. asyik runtime error je.

apapun, layan je la.. malam tu, instead of spending time with tv, i slept. apartment yg kosong tu saya tido sorang2 je pasal staf2 yg lain balik or kongsi bilik dengan member. the 3 rooms-apartment was rather creepy, considering it was situated next to bushy hilltop. i slept at the ruang tamu, with the tv on, terjaga beberapa kali utk adjust siaran tv apabila the present one abis siaran.

on sunday morning, i attended the training session. repeat benda yg sama, but with much more active participation lest i became bored and abandoned the course altogether.

by 11, kelas dah abis. disappointed, actually. waited until 220 for the bus home to arrive. sampai opis, picked up jeff and we went to cm.

from that point, my weekend rather picked itself up. i got 2 JQs and one Judith McNaught for a rather good price. not bad, huh..

then, i went to jaya33, feeling like attending the session early. unfortunately, encik kamil who's filling in for encik fahmy was not available for the period. i went jogging on the treadmill instead.

later, i dropped by at minkus' home. took her for a tauhu bakar treat, kesian adikku itu yg dah beberapa hari menyetelkan tesis beliau yang tak siap2...

after a scrumptious dinner, i went back home. Lady Whistledown was waiting, heh!

mimpi yang terlupa

bukan mimpi saya terlupa tapi saya terlupa mimpi semalam.

biasalah, mimpi yg tak best dan tak mengikut kehendak penaja, ahaks.

tapi sejujurnya, saya rasa saya punya kebolehan conscious dan subconscious utk berada dalam keadaan penafian. living in denial, kata orang.

kekadang saya terimbas perkara yg lalu yg saya dah obliviatekan pasal saya dah taknak ingat lagi.

tapi baru-baru ni kenangan yg tak nak diingat timbul kembali. over raging outburst last weekend, it all came back. the demons are here again.

i was reminded of the times before i became the model student. i often played truant, especially on sundays, for the sake of melodi and apentah lagi. malas.

those were the dark ages. the era when i was rebellious. but i've chosen to black them out. the things i remembered were my friendship with D, a crush with a certain boy D secretly liked and MJr thingy. i remembered those parts but not the black spots.

only to be reminded again with a vengeance.

truthfully, i am not always the mild-mannered person. entah. terlalu banyak layer yang ada. ada masa saya macam tak malu dan tak takut langsung. ada masa saya rasa sangat malu, sangat terasing dan sangat rendah diri.

ada masa saya sangat baik. ada masa saya tak.

kekadang saya terlupa hidup ini cuma sementara.. cuma sepicing mimpi..

tapi saya terlalu degil, keras hati.

ada masa lembut hati, sensitif bagai.. ada masa saya tak peduli, apa nk jadi, jadi la..

bila terluka, terus butakan rasa dari rasa apa-apa..

semalam saya mimpikan seseorang. mungkin apa yang berlaku antara kami melukakan hati saya.. mungkin kerana itu saya simpan intipati mimpi itu dalam-dalam. saya tak nak terluka lagi, kecewa tak sudah-sudah dengan rasa hati.

walaupun hanya mimpi, terkadang peritnya di hati berbekas dalam. terkadang i woke up feeling the unbearable pain lingered. a physical pain that just won't ebb.

how it hurts...

fitness trainers

last night i met my new fitness trainer. know what, the business of ever changing the trainers made me wary. bosan.

first there was deco. he's nice, good looking. we had chemistry. later, he quitted his job.

second came carrick. nice also. but busy, being senior trainer and all. he passed me to hanafi.

hanafi was charming. a friend. only after 2 sessions, he got into a serious auto accident.

now, after i practically behaved rudely on the phone, i found out in person that my current trainer, encik fahmy, comel plak :">

okeyh! saya akan berusaha bersungguh-sungguh utk menjaga kesihatan saya selepas ini :p

be happy

i am as i am.

no one ever knew, not even you.

quit judging, stop over expecting.

then only will u be happy with yr life.

i miss him, part II

bukan kesinambungan dari post yg lepas tapi ia tetap membawa rasa jiwa yang sama.

i miss him.

momsie has been busy leafing thru my past posts that i became compelled into doing the same thing. taking a trip along the memory lane.

sigh..

i miss him.

kekadang rasa aneh. bagaimana boleh bercinta sekadar berhubung melalui telepati sahaja. tanpa sentuhan, tanpa bicara kosong, tanpa bisikan sayang, hati kecil dapat merasakan Abang juga rindu.

jealousy

jealousy is what i felt

when u r not here

jealousy is what i hate

when u smile at her

jealousy is all i have

when i hold u so dear

jealously, i'm in love with you.

jealously, i wish for nothing but a lifetime with you

jealously, i know one day you'll tell me jealousy is what u felt, too.

-> miss u too much.. jealously :)

what i did on my sunday break this week

last sunday, i spent most of it with kak, hanging around home no.7, doing almost nothing in particular.

waking up early ( from usual typical lazy sunday morning ) when i heard kak's tinkering in the kitchen. dia masak nasi rupanya. pasal semalam dia tak makan apa, roti sy dah abis. bila dia tahu cili api pun abis, terus dia abandon her breakfast making.

even though i prepared scrumptious nasi goreng sotong yang presentable, dia tak makan. instead, kak menghabiskan tempura nuggets n keropok instant.

after a very delightful brunch that i took extra time to decorate nicely a la the naked chef,  i have a short nap. kak pun sama.. dia sibuk membelek hot mags yang lama2.. bosan tapi malas nk merayap ke alamanda. kak tak ajak, ida lagi la..

sekarang ni observing deficit-handling measures stringently. calculating, not to the extent of penny-pinching (a bit, actually), but i'm exercising economy control. tempat2 menarik seperti alamanda, mines, tesco, giant ioi dsb perlulah dielakkan. i noticed that i've the tendency to splurge whenever i go to hypermarket. bak kata2 sinis:

lelaki membayar RM20 untuk barang keperluan bernilai RM10

perempuan bayar RM10 untuk barang yg tak diperlukan bernilai RM20

so, i am still in the process of abstaining myself. of learning to control the limited power of my CC. so far, i've noticed a distinct improvement. alhamdulillah.

but, kesannya, almost not enough instant food around home no.7.. no maggi, no roti, no cili api, no meat, no fish, no prawns, no sotong.. no, no, no. balik2 makan instant mashed potato yg masih berbaki. tupun nasib baik ada lagi stok2 yg enak dan boleh dimakan :p

perhaps in a bit, i'll try to spend more, despite the deficit n inflation. otherwise, mcm kerajaan jugak, kalu simpan duit je tanpa perbelanjaan pembangunan, ekonomi jadi lesu.

huhu.. tetiba cakap pasal ekonomi negara plak.

anyway, after taking my nap, i finished a rather tasteless read. bosan gila. dah la type-set novel tu kurang sesuai, jalan citer pun macam kureng je. i mean, these days, the more i read, the more predictable the lines became. i need something new. like JQ's books, they are full of surprises, intrigues, clever lines & quips. cuma, last time pegi cm, all are already taken. rasa disappointed plak. next time, hopefully nomore duds.

yesterday was worth mentioning that i settled the most of the laundry and did some melipat baju, an activity that i truly detest! then, by 7, i ironed the baju kurungs for this week.

by 745, supposed dah kua tapi kak plak terhegeh-hegeh. agaknya dia reluctant utk sampai umah kawan dia awal sangat. but what to do? i have an appointment at 830, ok! kat pj plak tu!

by 815 kitorang gerak, as kak was driving, dia pi singgah kat petronas p9d tu. kebetulan plak husband-nyer di kk menalipon. aduhai... sambil dia memilih makanan, sambil bergelak-ketawa dan bercinta-cintaan. bikin my temper broiling hot saja!

last2, 10 minit tak sudah2 lagi memilih makanan, ida kua masuk kedai mesra tu, trying my best not to throw a tantrum in public, and levelly informed her that i have an appointment by 830. baru dia cepat2 sikit. marah!

masa drive, silent ensued. memang takde mood bcos this time i've done my best to get ready early. my trainer dah sound sebelum ni, kenapa selalu lambat appointment? i mean, i don't like giving excuses. sometimes i need to resort to white lies sedangkan i needn't do that. time is always an issue. bab membawa rasa dengan salimah pun pasal masa. i really DETEST those who make light of MY time.

bosan.

anyway, i found out that working out with rage inside made me a better trainee. rasa lega dapat hilangkan rasa marah by venting the frustrations on the thread mills. i mean, i felt less inclined to be vocal of my rage n annoyance. instead, i transformed it into the energy to jog non-stop for 15 mins without having the need to slow the pace. mind u, i was terribly enraged.

by 10.30 siap. set further appointments. then off to mandi hot shower, nikmatnya! added with the luxurious Ralph Lauren Romance Shower Creme, rasa energised.

singgah mcD for a small french fries n minkus fave apple pie. i don't know why but i've been hankering for McD's frenchies since last week. not even kfc or other fastfoods can match such hankering..

btw, i totally disliked the looks the guys gave as i walked to the mcD outlet. okay la, my blood red body-hugging top left nothing much to imagination. my suede capri pants compliment the casual look, though, sobering the effect of over expose. yet, i felt it was too much even for a tudung clad girl. i shouldn't do that again, i promise.

after having supper of frenchies n banana-filled pie, i dropped by at minkus' house. passing her facial wash, nasi goreng n her fave apple pie, i drove off.

reached home nearly by 12. hujan lebat sepanjang jalan. tried to sleep but maid in manhattan was too much too resist, weird huh? i don't know why i watched sampai abis, given that i know the movie was a dud.

after that, grey's rerun. tengok jugak sambil menyemak paper hari ahad. memandangkan dah almost 230 am, paksa gak diri utk tido...

all in all, it was a restive, though rather tepid sunday break..

double whammy of sadness

hari ni rasa macam nk menangis dua kali..

mula2, well, it's a private matter...

then, i got to know that my basic japanese communication course spot is already given to someone else. pasal lupa nk jawab setuju hadir... sedih siot.

dah la, malas nk tulis lagi. kecewa sangat.

what i did on my sunday break

yesterday i woke up early even though it was sunday and i had no prior engagement.

made an english breakfast: mushroom soup, mashed potato n garlic toast. read the newspapers, watched tv and yes, i refreshed my acquaintance with Lois & Clark: the new adventures of Superman. memandangkan citer tersebut dibuat pada tahun 90-an, banyak elemen2 yang menyebabkan saya tergelak dengan naivety saya dan Lady D time kitorang form 2 & form 3 dulu... die-hard fans gile, but i admit, L&C pushed me into working hard for my PMR exams. and it surely brought me n D close. incorporating multi-tasking, i ironed my baju kurungs whilst watching the dvds. fortunately for me, Qayyim had adjusted the ironing table in such a way that i could sit down and leisurely iron the apparels.

anyways, early dinner was mee goreng pedas Adabi, i was too lazy to cook.

then, i went to jaya33 after mr hanafi, my new trainer informed me that our appointment had been set at 8pm, not 9pm. i was rushing and thankfully the traffic wasn't that bad. paperpun, he penalised me for that. we only had 30mins training session whilst the remaining 30mins, i had to undergo cardio session on my own. pergh! i jogged 15 mins, alternating it with 15 mins of brisk walking. it was a torture as my body, remembering its past torture, kept screaming for a reprieve. even though i felt like quitting, i trudged on.

apepun, having the warm shower afterwards surely revitalised me into having a McD date with fatin (aka Minkus) with her maklang (aka Ja). we had a very delightful supper. sharing refilled carbonated drinks, chicken wrap and french fries amidst lively conversation. simply wonderful!

and ami bought for me the new hp. i haven't opened it yet. it's cheap, will make do for a while. lagipun, given the ample time and enough budget, i shall see to it that my former Nokia will see its much needed doctor. till that time comes, i have to make do, ok!

em, talking about hp, well, i'd say, i'm not a person you shall cross when i am cross. for i have a very ugly temper, given the situation and slight provocation. i think, it applies to my PPTs and younger sisters. when i muttered "shut up!", it must be obeyed. otherwise, we'll come to the point where we shall regret.

in my recent case, it was salimah's misfortune that brought her to such regretful end. when the sleep-deprived me bogged down with headache and simply hot temper, was denied my peace from her annoying self, i simply dealt her a physical blow and piercing emotional jabs that sent her reeling, sobbing whilst continuing the emotional jabs of her own.

i admit. i wasn't much of a good person if i chose to be horrid. too much of my own selfish self, i regret.

she sent me an sms last night, admonishing me and my previous injustice to her self. and i decided, her psychological tactics were too much to bear, i ignored it. for this time, even though i was wrong to strike her, i decided i won't be bullied into placating her anymore. she needs to grow up and learn to not put demands on anyone else, taking people for granted.

i admit, saya masih marah sama dia.

and then, Qayyim's sms came. how sweet.. tetiba je jadi sedih. sendiri.

mimpi indah

bila bermimpi indah dan bangun dengan kenangan mimpi indah, kita rasa happy kan?

yesterday was deemed as my lucky day. the 13th Mac 2008 shall become one sweet day of the year :p

why? many reasons.

for first, i had a constructive and productive day at work, thankGod!

secondly, my financial standings miraculously improved by spades, alhamdulillah~

next, i went home and albeit rushing for a night's out with dear Qayyim, i managed to clear the living room into being a presentable domain.

the journey to cineleisure was indeed leisurely. the traffic was smooth, the parking spacious and cheap!, the almost quiet atmosphere (perhaps because we arrived during maghrib time?), the adequate prayers hall (cozy and near to the cinema halls) and though the cinesnax operators were rather slow and tepid, the popcorn was simply DIVINE.

the cinema experience? i love it immensely, thankyouverymuch (^^,)t

we watched the spyderwick chronicles and really love it! it was such an entertaining movie. compared to jumper of hayden christensen, i much prefer this one. Qayyim and me laughed at all the right places, and with the superb sound system, i admit of feeling like crawling out of my skin in suspense for a few tense moments.

the cinematography is superb and the main casts are funny. even though there wasn't enough gory creatures like other fantasy movies, qayyim and me decided that we do enjoy the movie immensely. there were times when i itched to slap jared's mom for being the typical mom who just won't listen first to her son/ children. only to reflect that i sometimes unleash the same courtesy to my adik-adik... hmmmm... sori minkus, mah n qayyim..

then, after such a confusing drive back to PBD to fetch Minkus, we then had our affordable supper at SS14. i sipped the warm soup whilst enjoying the musings of my fellow gemini siblings, peals of laughter constantly erupting... i mean, when put together, my beloved siblings are always fun and entertaining to be with.

by 12.15am, we arrived home. i was tired but as Qayyim opted to sleep in the guest room, i prepared his bed and mine, as cozily as i could.

and i opened a value buy, a judith mcnaught that lasted me until 4.15am.. i slept and hoped that i could manage to wake up early. kinda worried too, but i decided to have faith.

and i dreamed........ such a wonderful, intimate dream, a bit forward, if i may confess :blush:

waking up, i felt it was the closest i ever felt to my dear elusive Abang. i mean, of course he is occasionally somewhat notty in his SMSes, yet, we remain as such an amicable pair, solemn and prim. yet, if only we open up on what we really are... he might be shocked of how notty last night's dream was.

sigh~ i think i'm reading too much of Judith Mcnaughts and Julia Quinns :p

a very beautiful pix to me

i know! i know! i'm almost 27 and should have known better.

but i couldn't curb the bubbly feelings of happiness and pride when i caught this pix in my fave Hot mag:

they're expecting twins to boot, a pair of someone has certainly been busy recently :)

last night i chanced upon THS: angelina jolie on E!. it covers more on her previous relationships than delves more into her current expanding family.

on our brief conversation before boarding flight to kl on the election morning, fadhil commented that i still have the angie's addiction. well, things haven't change much, dearie :) not in that department, at least (^^,)

oh, well. i do have certain people that i find kinship with. and i am devotedly happy when these people are happy.

hope that their happiness lasts :)

a bright spot in the morning ^_^

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

The Bottom Line:

You'll need to come out of your shell and show someone who you really are today.

In Detail:

You are on the verge of crossing a major hurdle in a new relationship. All you need to do is say how you really feel to push things right over the edge -- so now is definitely not the time to be shy! You'll need to come out of your shell and show this person who you really are if you want them to know who you really are (duh). Step right up to them today and make a statement about your feelings. Have faith. Their reply will not only please you, it might just blow you away!

huhu.. a hint for someone particular, if there is ever one :p

blogging made harder

ha! baru saya nak mengomen yang blogging was made harder today with its template gone, tetiba ia jadi sangat elok!

saya suka! nanti saya edit blog saya yang caca-marba tadi, ok (^^,)t

em, masa saya flickr-ed tadi utk happy faces, saya jumpa gambar comel ni. tetiba je saya jadi lapar!

gambar ni juga membuatkan saya merancang penghuni fridge saya yang akan datang. yum!

surprised? a bit, i supposed.

last night i stayed up until 4 in the morning, listening to the comments and feedback in view of the 12th electoral results.

frankly, i feel a bit for the outgoing CM of penang. simpati. wish him well for his future. truly.

after living almost 27 years on the boleh-land, i finally took an active interest in the ongoings of the local political climate. perhaps after being a closet observer all these years, i think Abang's involvement in this election nudged me into taking active interest in the local politics.

don't get me wrong. i still am, naturally a mere observer, a neutral analyst. i vote. but i don't preach to those who chose not to. everyone is entitled to their private say. even the right not to exercise their rightfully rights.

so the present gov faced a reeling blow with 5 states gone. with mr samy gone too (maybe), well, our cabinet won't be the same anymore. i'd miss him, i do. in his sometimes misunderstood, misguided moments, i do admire his relentless fighting spirit nonethelessly.

and i'm glad the Iron Lady is still here. it won't be the same if she packs up her bags too. her high standards made me consider serving under her administration sometimes along my service in the future. fancy that, jumping from my current post into a pseudo closed service ministry for a chance to serve with her :) DD shall have a fit! perhaps i should stick to my current job and pick on the best brains first :p

i admit, i am a bit apolitical. i can't argue nor produce a valid political view to save my self, much less giving politically-inspired speeches. i much prefer being in the shadows, observing. sensing the environment. helping and assisting people. rather like isteri YB, huhu..

maybe.

on a much sombre note, i viewed the change in the votes indicates that the gov need to buck up and tune in to the public sentiments even more. that the economy, our economy, though quite stable we say, should be more people-friendly. the price hikes shall be monitored closely. no more offhand remarks on people suffering. yeah, we are still considered lucky compared to the crippled paraplegic even with our toes gone. but, do we want to feel lucky at that? wouldn't we prefer more of being much safer, healthier if we can?

being appreciative does have its own interpretation.

the gov losing its two-thirds gives me some serious thoughts. this is the time for us to be mature, both the gov and the opposition. to stay on united, regardless of political beliefs, to swallow the blow and take up the pieces and work on for better lives for every Malaysian. no more bullies and under handed tactics. fairness is the only order of the day if we want to keep our competitiveness on the world map.

even though Penang, Selangor, Perak, Kelantan and Kedah are nomore pro-Gov states, the people and the states are still, as a whole, Malaysians. the plans for economic growth shall still take place, unbegrudgingly. some might ask, then, what's the use of voting for the Gov if the opposition states shall still prosper from the Gov budget? the answer is elementary and self-evident, that the Gov is fair and of not a petulant body comprised of political people. instead, the people will view that its fairness and maturity in governing Malaysia towards Vision 2020 are true, regardless of political stands. that the greater good for its people is still deemed the utmost priority.

my view is simple, take a deep breath. look at the change as a motivation for us to stay united, beyond our conflicting political views. People has spoken. it is time for us to perform our best.

it wasn't an ungrateful slap. rather a sobering nudge for all our leaders to start taking better care of their constituents in the name of humanity, peace and prosperity.

Malaysia shall trudge on. we are getting better because of our trials and tribulations. not complacency and false sense of security.

united, we shall stand ahead.

em, i admit, this took me by a substantial surprise. this torrential tsunami. but i can feel it, Allah knows better. and i hope everyone agrees deep in their hearts, God knows what we do not. it is our job to make the best of it.

cheer up. everything shall be normal again. we are in for an interesting moment, don't you think so too?

deliriously unwell

it's been almost a week since i've been plagued with this dust of sickness.

gone were the light of my coy riguer of life. in its place, the delirium of madness keep raging amok.

i mopped and mopped. darling sir, it is a fervent wish that your dear voice will keep me company...

oh, did i forget to mention? my hp lost its breath in the toilet bowl at the mall.

no means for anyone to reach me from falling into the pit and lose my light too.

dizzy, tizzy and coffy-

i've been meaning to jot down all the important things, thoughts that had occured the past few weeks when i was away but unfortunately, my dizzy, tizzy and coffy condition made that such a herculean task to complete. anyway, remind me to talk about these matters later, ok?

1. the fun at btn

2. the importance of holding and selecting the information shared

3. the housewarming at home no.7

4. the joys of being able to be someone able to help

5. i love my job!

ya.. i know that my job still has its bumps. but i'm trying my best to obliterate, to shut the negative aspects of the environment, to focus instead on the brighter sides that i'm at :)

you know, in the land lilliput, even kakyan cikedee is their giant :p

happy bday dear salimah!

last night kak nor asidah spent the night at home no.7~ it was the first for her. as the guest room was not ready to be occupied yet, i gave her m&d's room. we later on had dunia baru treat at mines before retiring home :)

hmm.. i really should consider getting the double decker bed pronto. setting up the guest room seem to be taking a bigger priority in my budget planning.

hmmm, talking about budget, today is mah's 20th bday.. malas la nk celebrate besar-besaran as my gaji belum masuk. budget yang ada cuma sipi-sipi je.. however, a young girl's fervent wish is too much to be let down.. as a young girl once, whose adolescent dreams were squashed one by one, i really hope i can give her a day to remember...

hope to God that everything goes well today. i still don't have firm plans on today's celebration. mungkin pasal semuanya bergantung pada budget yg ada...

apapun, i'm going to pick her up at usim in a short while. after that, we will spend a moment at nilai square, i need to find kain shantong silk apentah for majlis angkat sumpah ahli jemaah menteri nanti. harap2 tak mahal sangat as my budget is sorely limited.

then we'll proceed for a sauna stint at true fitness. maybe after that we'll go for a chickenhartz binge at berjaya times square, fufu~

later on, after fetching minkus, we'll need to pick up kak and abang azuan at kl sentral by 8pm.

life is much wonderful if we strive to have us and those we loves happy. :)

on the phone with mom last night

last night, an hour was spent talking and chit-chatting with mom over the phone.

~sigh~ i miss her so...

the topic? it was eclectic. about kak's stay at home no.7, frens, work and future plans. know what, if u ever wonder about the origin of my dry sense of humor and sometimes giddyish, goofy look on things, it's from mom. we both are alike in so many ways.. and when the mood takes, we bring the house down like fire :)

she knows me too well, i might say.

anyway, we got into discussing about the possible monster in-laws  that we could end up with. trust me, we did that humorously, no offense, k? after having a biras and adik ipars that sometimes choose to be free-hair ladies, who knows whether one shall end up as a daughter in law to a free-hair lady in the future.

hmmm~

to be honest, the tentative question was put forth in a jesting manner in order to gauge her true stand regarding that issue.

and no, the answer was negative. NO.

she was adamant.

and i ponder long on that issue. macam mana ek, Abang?

psikologi sungguh. diplomatic and diligent skills are needed shall there be a lasting commitment made.

alahai :{

unwell still~

last night fetch kak and abang azuan from putrajaya sentral. lambat sikit turun dari home no.7 pasal kemaskan bilik mom&dad for them. i've been browsing furniture shops in order to find good bargain for queen mattress. mom had hinted that she would appreciate it much should i be able to equip the room with a comfortable mattress at least. but last night, kak and her husband had to settle for tripple layered toto only. tengoklah ek.. next time datang home no.7, insya allah lagi selesa.

i've been planning to add more essential stuffs. check out a new blog thread soon: wish lists. comprised of so many things i wish to acquire in the future, near or distant. at least, i'll have a direction in my next shopping sprees :)

anyway, back to last night. just before i went to fetch them, i cooked some rice. perhaps they'd wish for dinner. after fetching the happy couple, we stopped by nazmaju. buying a few dishes apt to serve for married couple, we went home.

i knew that kak was brimming with astonishment at how different home no.7 had transformed into. she's a tad bit too polite to voice it out. when abang azuan praised that the house was commendably spacious, then only she joined in expressing her impressed sentiments.

when i showed her into mom&dad's room instead of the guest room, she couldn't help but openly expressed her admiration, albeit in snickering pout.. "ai.. bilik mak pun ade?"

to which i replied, "she comes here at monthly basis..". with the love notes mak left pasted on the fridge door, i think, she got the drift. mak loves being at home no.7 as much as i do...

later on, we settled for a picnic dinner in front of the tv. the japanese table was still in a mess and not properly cleared to enable a comfortable dining. you know what, i think nazmaju's lamb curry is a dish in its own level. incomparable.

and i noticed that kak tend to finish all the leftovers. weird, huh? hopefully she'll strife to maintain her slim body even though she's now happily married.

i later on retired to my room. after all, i needed my sleep to recuperate from the lingering dizzy spells. just before sleep conquered, i heard them giggling at the loud snore of my neighbour, quizzing each other on the causes. oh, well.. what do u expect of married doctors, right? :)

i'm happy for her, you know. i really do. really hope that her happiness shines longer~

this morning i woke up with the remnants of giddiness. it was faint but persistent. yet, i fought it to arrive at office at the designated hours. only to beg for excuse later, in order to send kak and abang azuan to lcct by 830.

en route, kak gave me RM15 for the oil expenses and another RM50 for the kenduri, she said.

...

hati dah berparut, kak. biarlah. cukuplah. usah buka kembali cerita dulu, kan...

know what, i AM a manja person. no matter how brave, how defiant i am most of the time, the integral part of me is still soft-hearted. childlike and delicate.

kekecewaan yg ada dipujuk utk diam tapi tersimpan jauh di dalam. kata orang, makan dalam. tak lelah untuk berbakti, tapi pantang diambil tak peduli, taken for granted.

after dropping them off for a 4-day trip to bali, i went home to have my breakfast as prepared by kak. thanks for breakfast, kak... except that i think i am a much more palatable cook sometimes :)

in truth, i went home in a melancholic state. fried an egg with anchovies to have a much endurable nasi goreng, i spent scant 5 minutes to watch martha stewart whilst finishing the meal.

rasa sayu. sedih. seorang. the dizziness still persisted, i felt like sleeping it off but i doubt that would solve any problem. in fact, it would likely incur the disgruntled feelings of my new SUB :{

thus, i trudged back to office..

one spot remained bright in my horizon for today. mah is going to have her bowling activities at alamanda this evening. at least, i'll be able to see someone i really care about when i finish my office hours....

sadly, these days, being alone and sick, it's no longer a pleasant feeling. before, i could handle it just fine. normally, with Abang distant, rajuk dia masih tak abis lagi :{ ,  i'd carry on just fine. but, when i was unwell... terasa jurang yang ada semakin jelas dan tak mampu disangkal lagi.

funny huh?

damn funny.

oh, well...

long break due to giddiness attack~

i took a cuti rehat on friday last week. a need to have a break and pamper myself after breaking down on wednesday. i felt a lot better, thank you.

i had my gym session for almost 2 hours on friday morning after a movie date with minkus the night before. the strenuous gym didn't make up for the 3 months lost. but i hope i'll put extra commitment once i settled down here. i noticed that the lack of physical activities do have a toll on me emotionally and physically. i found myself better focused and with a much optimum usage of free time when i dedicated myself into the physical training.

like fiqa once said, the location will matter one day. it did when i was busy with moving into home no.7 and the new office. i let the teeny matter alongside my burst budget to dictate my commitment in having a better, healthier lifestyles. which is rather nonsensical to linger now that i've more or less, settled in both places: home no.7 is homely; and room no.7 is peaceful like a jasmine green tea.

yup. i'll dedicate myself to eradicate the laziness, once and for all :)

talking about jasmine green tea, i'm adjusting my preference from 5-in-1 caffeine cup to a delightful, aromatic jasmine green tea. the concoction has the ability of calming me down from emotional tirade, or rejuvenating me off a lifeless form after a hard day's work. rather eco-friendly herbalist single woman :) of course, i still have my koffee when i felt sleepy. i just hope i can reduce the intake though :) funny huh? from being a coffee person, TCRS hot green tea has the ability to reform me.

back to the long break issue. i had a cuti rehat on friday, only to come to office on the saturday morning to attend e-susun training session. i like the application, it brought out my special abilities in being able to be a technical and a logical person simultaneously. whereas others failed to grasp the algorithm and translate them into a much practical sense, i aced it :) <- unsur bangga sama pencapaian diri sendiri (^^,)t

then on sunday morning till afternoon, we have karnival sukan BAKA. waaa!!! sangat seronok bila saya dapat bermain futsal dan badminton. yup, i let go 3 goals in two consecutive games. and i flunked at a single set badminton for mixed double. yang best: i had the opportunity to participate. masa kat BIUPA, i wasn't so fortunate. cuma mampu tengok gambar diorang bergumbira di PD saje :(

as for now, i'm feeling happier. like a jolt that i'm letting go of my past to embrace my present and future. kata orang, barang yang lepas jangan dikenang. kalau dikenang, luka lama berdarah kembali.

how true, kan?

i had a peaceful dinner at home after the sports activity. an early night after that. only to wake up with spinning head and sore body muscles. the sleep wasn't too peaceful either. i was plagued with the nightmare of mom gone permanently from my life. it was such an unbelievable notion that i couldn't grasp the fact at all. rasa resah menghantui diri, tak percaya, tak dapat menerima andai ia berlaku. she's such an integral part of my life.............

even now, the very idea of it, disturb me senselessly into a headache and unnecessary blood pressure elevation.

i tried sleeping it off a couple of times but it was hard. even sleeping hurts my head. dizzy and nauseous. rasa helpless. macam bayi saje. time tu terasa nk call minkus, mah or ayin to come. even mak, if she could manage it. but, ditelankan saje rasa melankolik dan tak berdaya itu. smsed my boss to inform him that i couldn't come to the office. sent sms to kak and mak yah to ask for pointers in keeping the sickness away. kak advised me to get a panadol and sleep it off. mak yah said it was tension headache. the base of my neck throbbed like hell. soon as the panadol effects kicked in, i started to vomit every 5 minutes. lastly, i managed to sleep in front of the toilet hall to avoid any unnecessary projectile liquid spill. tupun after cleaning my own projectile spills that didn't have the luck of reaching the toilet bowl. yup. the pitfall of living alone is that u have to clean up yr own mess even though you are as weak as a kitten, i grinned to myself in delirium.

i was weak like a wee kitten :(

by afternoon, i felt a much or less the same, except that the dizziness spell had ceased tumbling my vision. had another shower before going out. first stop was carrefour. if this is tension headache, a retail theraphy will work wonders.

as limited budget persisted, i just managed a 10-minutes linger on the massage chair. i gave away my astro Dunkin Donut voucher to that nice kid who seem kind enough to keep me company. terasa rindu kepada adik2 di kampung terubat sikit bila borak dengan adik tu... besides, i could make do without the 2-pieces heavenly donuts.

next, i went to visit mak yah at her clinic. blood pressure was normal except i noticed some minimal drop. and i was mildly surprised with the figures on the weight scale. huhuhu... it's time i seriously need to hit the gym, fellas!

then i went to mak yah's home to have lunch with her. emmmmmmm... there's an observation made. how married couples change as they progressed further into their lives. it saddened me deep. because i watched their affection in each other dwindled in such an alarming state...

the professional females in my family are rather unforgivingly unrelenting lot. :(

all in all, it was again a long break. supposed today i have another day off. yet i felt maudlin' and wasted should i stay at home, awaiting kak and abg azuan's arrival tonight. so i went off to work again. bouts of dizziness still linger. yet, i'm tiding things through.

hmmm, i got to settle the payment for that red songket for majlis angkat sumpah ahli jemaah menteri. catch u later :)

the call last night

i wonder, the categ