Shah's thoughts

kecewa.hampa.ketawa.

call me a cynic, but today's lunch meeting with a stranger seems like a bad taste that refuse to let me be.

kesimpulannya, kecewa.hampa.ketawa.

the truth is, even though this fellow seem to be playing full offensive tactics, i thought that perhaps in person i could find myself a casual fren. nothing much.

boy, was i wrong. now i remembered how i met him. we stumbled in the office lift, and he was so eager to exchange info, i only replied in courtesy, nothing much.

and today, the sickening feeling in my gut, one that i only reserve for someone of the past, came back with a vengeance.

it left such a bad taste. i tried to convey the impersonal message by not replying to his sms-es and mantaining the freezing cool demenour as we met. and i brought along rafidah as a human shield and apt deflector. that should have explained it clearly but no! he just won't listen.

sombong ke? memilih ke?

tak. saya jujur untuk menerima seorang sahabat baru, sekadar kawan. tapi bila baru berkenalan pun dah tak mampu mengawal keadaan agar tidak melemaskan, saya jadi serabut dan meny@mp@h.

for example, pagi semalam baru dia call, dah siap bagitau tarikh bday dia dan dapatkan my bday date. in brief second, ajak keluar malam2 utk minum. ok-la, kawan.. tapi saya kenal awak ke?

pastu siap tanya, kalau keluar pakai baju apa? <- encik azian cakap, jawab je "saya tak pakai baju >:("

then tanya orang bawa kereta apa. whilst promoting the fact that he got a car and a motorcycle.

blabalablabalablabala-

and finally he backed me into aggreeing for a lunch. i said i was busy. and unfortunately i volunteered the info that i am free for lunch on tuesday only. tu la pasal tetiba je hari ni kena lunch dengan dia. :((

tak menyempat-nyempat, semalam masa still kat opis, by 9 or so, dia sms lagi, ajak keluar after abis kerja malam tu jugak.

deng.

i was not interested and tired.

sepanjang malam rasa tak best. rasa curang pun ada walau niat sekadar berkawan sesama manusia. rasa takut peristiwa lama berulang kembali. all the signs are there, i should be blind not to sense it a mile ahead.

and this morning, he sent sms "dah sampai opis ke? dah bfast? suka nasi lemak tak?"

courtesy called again: jrg2.

"u suka minum soya?"

annoyed: ai, buat survey?

blabalablabalablabala-

i was like- Gawd! buat emosiku terasa lemas gila..

i mean, what he had acted and said, just didn't even rate as a friend.

i think i need to be honest with him that i simply couldn't tolerate any time .....

within our 15 minutes lunch where i couldn't get my eyes off the watch every 10 seconds, i was offered into going jogging with him in the neighbourhood. as i left, i was again invited to meet up tonight.

double deng!

i know, i shouldn't be so harsh. maybe this is the annoyance that Abang suffered when he's with me. but truly, there's no such torture that i could endure..

i'll try to sum up my compassion to tell him the truth. i got to.

kenapa kecewa? pasal till this time i don't know how to befriend a guy that's not romantically link or work related.

hampa? pasal saya masih tak dapat keluar dari kepompong yang sama. hidup saya masih terpelihara tanpa saya punya keyakinan yang cukup untuk lebih selesa berhubungan sosial sesama manusia.

ketawa. pasal kesian kat diri masing2.. kenapa la terjumpa insan tersebut dan dia terjumpa saya? it was so ironic.

oh, well, c'est la vie~l

take 5ive!

tengah2 bizi menyiapkan verbatim kedua that later on needs to be transfomed walla!- into a polished minute, i suddenly decided to take a breather and talk on my blog instead.

i want to talk to you.

can u understand that? hari ni saya menterjemahkan rasa saya into audible phrase, i feel like leaving the place soon. maybe latest by next year.

in a way, i am a bit annoyed with my present esyubi. selalu dia buat self promotion that left me gagging. kata orang, respect is earned. and truthfully, i think with regards to my current personal feeling, i think he lacks that. at the moment, i don't know whether he deserve my respect or not. perhaps after this, we'll look into this once more, k?

hmm..

tadi masa tengah bizi siapkan verbatim, dipanggil utk jadi usherette lunch for the ministers. haddoiii! letih berdiri tunggu orang for sejam. sedangkan kerja menanti kat atas banyak lagi. nasib baik hari ni takde post cab. kalu tak, nak kena semak minit lagi. benci. semua nak kita yang settle kan.

pastu, the icing in the cake was that he wanted to mentor me in minute writing this evening.

sigh... the horror of it all. i mean, i'm not that good in minute-writing. i AM good but at least not by tikayesyu(kay)'s heavenly standard yet. but it is much botheration when you reach her 70% marks on your own effort whilst when you submit your minute that is already revised countlessly by him, you only got 60%.

why bother, i think. besides, one day, in order to set me crushing at my rightful (lowly) place, he intentionally mentored my minute that was actually tikayesyu(kay)'s in the first place into a something that i begged to differ. he bulldozed it nonetheless and as a result, the next morning, tikayesyu(kay) asked for the minute to be reset as written earlier. promptly.

from there i learnt. and let me tell you, i learn my lesson well. sometimes, in the land of big egos such as here, some people enjoy crushing other people's confidence for no sane reason other than to set them at the proper place. regardless.

so, do i enjoy it here? -shrug of shoulders-

i don't know.

i miss my old place. and i also revel in the experience i gain here. jadi lagi matang. lagi berdisiplin dan menjaga diri.

and there were times when i felt that the bounties given are limitless.

kekadang terfikir plak, maybe it would be better if we have a subtle change in administration, perhaps?

"kami mahu *, natang!"

(tersenyum)

well.. life goes on. now i still got my verbatim to settle.

sabar!

DD once wrote on the firefighting syndrome that is plaguing our civil service. i concur. and i think my esyubi got the syndrome. always ordering us about like kids in multiple errants every other minute on his whims. :angry:

haddoii.. cruella, pegi siapkan verbatim awak!

kerang bakar vs mah

tengah2 bizi membuat kerja yg bertangguh, terasa nak makan kerang bakar. kat foodcourt depan umah saya ada gerai kerang bakar.

teringat mah yg suka makan kerang. hmmm.. ada citer tragedi antara mah and kerang rebus. agak2 dia ingat lagi tak sebagaimana ida ingat everytime ida tengok kerang?

mm.. masa suntuk, kita citer tragedi kerang salimah lain kali la, ek? citer sadis, lucu dan kesian. kena spend banyak masa utk telusi kisah tu.

anyway, this morning was a morning when i remembered mah. terasa macam nk ajak dia datang ke home no.7.. cuma rasa ragu2.. takut bila dia datang, rasa sakit hati lagi. entahlah.. malas buat dan tengok dia menangis lagi. she made me feel like a monster that i know i am, only worse.

and i don't like that feeling. she expected too many things so much, taking control, dictating in such a, unreasonable way of her to get her whims and wishes done.

funny, this short post should be about kerang bakar and mah's plan to sleepover. instead, the cruella deVille rants :)

takpelah.. hoping for the best.

catch up with yr guys later. after work, kalu sempat akan makan kerang bakar.

one thing, if i hear one complaint from her this time, siap! ya, saya memang garang!

bila kubilang rasa kurang senang, tentu semuanya tak abis, kan?

kadang2 rindu jugak. cuma tak mahu tengok dia mengada-ngada dan menangis lagi.

the truth, she made me hate myself sometimes.

konsert celine dion

8 april ini ada konsert celine dion di kuala lumpur.

hmm.. have i ever told u that it's in my wish list to be a part of a musical concert? not that i'm going for this particular concert. no. at least, not yet.

i long for celine dion's concert, at least once in my decrepit, unexciting life. does that make me a less good person? does it?

mom thinks so. in fact, to my sheer embarrassment, she even hushed to minkus:

"what if a family comes to pinang her and totally balks when they know she had frequented cinema? what shame!"

yup. that's true. that's my mom. still unrelenting. echoing the impasse that's happening in my own motherland, i am at impasse with my mom.

truthfully i felt hurt. she senses that her unjust suspicions against my unruly self had made me retreating to my dark corner, yet, she can't help it.

i can't help it. there are times when i can swallow the pain and just brace her for what she is. yet, at times, like these times, i just can't avoid that sadness from engulfing me within.

mom said that i am, well, perhaps, used to be, her most obedient, mild-natured child. little, perhaps, did she know, i'm only obedient when my words are not crossed. period.

i'm used to getting my way. a loner. living in my own sphere. yet, i've such a tender nature that once pricked, shall harden in an instant...

tiada niat utk melukakan hati ibu, but, i felt that i need to get away from any pain whatsoever. the groundless accusations, the unjust disappointment..

so what if i fell in love with someone not of your choice? so what if he doesn't reciprocate my feelings accordingly just yet?

so what if i ended up being, feeling like an ancient old maid even though i hardly reach 27 years of age yet? so what?

i love going to the cinema. i don't do any bad thing nor do i get involve in lewd affairs. i just go n enjoy the movie. alone. i don't linger and i don't tempt other people into any misconduct..

is it so hard to relent and not worry?

is it?

for such shall inevitably lures me into being the rebellious girl of past.

stop smothering me, mom. u'll just drive me away, further away.

and i don't want that.

post menarik: Satu Perkhidmatan, Satu Penyampaian dan Satu Pintu Penerimaan

Layan semua permohonan – KSN

PUTRAJAYA 16 Jan. – Kakitangan semua jabatan dan agensi kerajaan tidak lagi boleh menolak sewenang-wenangnya sebarang permohonan daripada orang ramai sekalipun di luar bidang kuasa mereka.

Sebaliknya, kakitangan terbabit perlu menerima permohonan tersebut dan seterusnya membawanya kepada pegawai yang bertanggungjawab.

Ketua Setiausaha Negara, Tan Sri Mohd. Sidek Hassan berkata, langkah itu bertujuan meningkatkan lagi kualiti perkhidmatan awam.

Katanya, ia sesuai dengan tekad ‘Satu Perkhidmatan, Satu Penyampaian dan Satu Pintu Penerimaan’ yang akan menjadi pegangan kakitangan awam tahun ini.

“Satu Pintu Penerimaan bermaksud, orang ramai tidak lagi sewenang-wenangnya boleh dinafikan perkhidmatan walaupun perkhidmatan yang ingin diperoleh itu bukan terletak di bawah tanggungjawab jabatan terbabit.

“Sebaliknya, kakitangan tersebut perlu terus memberikan perkhidmatan dengan menerima permohonan itu dan menyerahkan ia kepada pegawai atau pihak yang bertanggungjawab,” katanya kepada pemberita di sini hari ini.

Mohd. Sidek berkata, usaha meningkatkan kualiti perkhidmatan yang disasarkan tahun ini akan didukung oleh enam tonggak iaitu:

* Merancang, melaksanakan, memantau, menguatkuasakan dan menyemak semula.
* Memperkasa tenaga kerja dengan sikap yang betul, kemahiran dan stamina bekerja.
* Memperbaiki penyampaian oleh barisan depan.
* Memanfaatkan sepenuhnya teknologi bagi menghasilkan perkhidmatan yang berkualiti.
* Bertindak membasmi kemiskinan.
* Memupuk gandingan berkesan dengan pemegang kepentingan.

Mohd. Sidek berkata, antara tumpuan utama tahun ini adalah meningkatkan sistem penyampaian barisan depan perkhidmatan awam melibatkan pihak berkuasa tempatan (PBT), pejabat tanah dan agensi yang banyak berurusan dengan orang ramai seperti Jabatan Pengangkutan Jalan (JPJ), Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara (JPN) dan Kastam Diraja Malaysia.

“Kita akan menempatkan pemimpin yang benar-benar berkebolehan untuk membawa perubahan di PBT, berhadapan dengan pelanggan dan bersikap terbuka kepada maklum balas orang ramai. Langkah ini boleh mengurangkan kekecewaan rakyat,” katanya.

Menurutnya, pembangunan teknologi, maklumat dan komunikasi (ICT) akan menjadi agenda utama bagi membolehkan kualiti perkhidmatan ditingkatkan.

-> i got this from portal today. it merited itself into this category. cruella is not going to spew her poison. it's open to u guys :)

bila seseorang bersikap double standard~

actually today there was this one guy that couldn't quit picking on me.

we had before, an ugly tete-a-tete, if u can call it that. after a while, we had a truce.

then, today, out of no where, he started it all over again. in his meanness, just to unload his overloaded garbage, he picked on ME. i know that at parts, i can be untolerable in naivety. that i can be too much in one's face. but personally i think, he shouldn't promote his meanness by picking on the naive me. after all, other people also mention the things that i mention. he even did the same sometimes. except that, even though i have a cutting wit to spite him, i didn't. i mean, the thing u hated done on u, don't do it unto others. i didn't spite him even though i have a chance.

i tried to understand him better. to accept his snide off-the-cuff remarks just at face value. after all, what did i do to deserve his vile double standardness, kan?

i tried visualising him as a friend. i regarded him as such. furthermore, as we met at social functions, we were cordial, as if our claws were never unleashed on each other.

then there he had to go again and again to promote that he is oh-so-wittily mean. ingat jadi orang yang jujur menyakitkan hati orang ni bagus sangat ke? menyumpah dan menyeranah orang sesukanya. bahasa melambangkan bangsa, encik.

i think, i don't consider this is what i really appreciate in a friend. i know that he got loads and loads of garbage. adjusting to a new baby. a pressure-filled working environment. frustration. anything. i tried to take that into account. yet, lest he takes into account that even a silly person like me also can rile back and maim a person, i think, i'll ignore his sillier stands in life.

if he wants to make people think he is bad, just so that he can justify within his head that life is unfair, well, good luck with that.

DD,

seriously, get a life.