Shah's thoughts

hujan

hujan lebat di luar.. buat hati lagi-

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Icv6DgZ-9O4

mendengar lagu no air membuatkan hati teringat seseorang yang memberi makna kepada sonata ini.

tiada udara, Abang. can you imagine how that feel?

terasa hiba tersangkut di rengkung. misunderstood. mistrusted with suspicions. left in the cold all alone.

udara terasa tiada bila kita jauh.. rindu yg ada, menyesakkan jiwa. terasa hidup di bumi kosong tanpa udara.

dan tiada sepicing kata diberi untuk merungkaikan kekusutan. mengisi kekosongan, menjawab persoalan.

hujan di luar lebat, tapi tak selebat hujan di hati, Abang.

titis hiba jatuh satu persatu mencemari bumi~

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air

when you ain't here i just couldn't breathe

no air. no air. no air.

i wish i could walk away from the numbing pain. obliviate the hurt by diving into my work n hedonistic pleasures.

but every gulps of air brings me back into thinking of him. does he know that?

i couldn't breathe.

i miss him

i spent 10 mins talking to him.

such a feat brought my heart into my mouth. i stumbled for words to express how i long to be with him again.

and he made me laugh with the jibe on tonight's formula 1 party in celebration of maulidur rasul today.

God, i miss him~

such longing, made me ask, why does it have to be me who reach out for him first? when will he ever reach forth for me?

i feel sad.

doakan yang terbaik~

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macam susah je nak terkeluar rasa hati sebenar.

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just got to know that mr Shafiq is now officially engaged.

Karina is now alone still. camne nk cakap, ek? camne? camne?

do i have the remnants of feelings left, still? badan terus serasa sejuk. hati berhenti berdegup sesaat. terimbas kembali apa yang dah berlaku dahulu. it seem so long ago. so long. i'd caused the break-up, yet, it was not even meant to be between the two of us. and he's found someone else he found worthy of his name.

buatkan ida terfikir situasi sekarang. the similarity that echoed, hurt me dreadfully. rasa bersalah. rasa bodoh. rasa lemah.

andainya tiada kisah panjang yang akhirnya komitmen utuh bersama Abang, i don't think it won't cure me off romantical inclinations. rasa pesimis menghantui... i don't think i could handle loving anyone anymore after this, not after having to endure the pain of guilt and to be subjected as a witness to his happiness.

pada saat ni, sukar untuk jujur dan optimis. ida cuba untuk pujuk hati sendiri. dan ida doakan agar K bahagia jua dengan insan tersayang

in total honesty, i've relinquished the hopes of me and K. there is nothing to be hoped anymore. his hurt is so deep that we even couldn't settle for mutual friendship status. 

and i couldn't help being afraid of what will happen between me and Abang...

if i am ordained to be lost and alone all my life, then, let's pray that there won't be anymore hurt.

doakanlah yang terbaik...

Dearest K,

congrats. i only have good prayers for your happiness~

happy bday, someone

spending time hopping through my frens' frenster as i waited for the appropriate time to leave for my 10pm tonight, i came across a page of someone from my past.

his birthday is tomorrow. :mellow:

we say we could forget the past if we try. i did try. but the silly masochistic bone in me always wonders of how my past is doing right now.

i guess, it's just natural. it wasn't meant to be. from the beginning. till the end. i am free after years of chaining myself to the shadows of nothingness. i am free.

to wish him happy birthday, it's only natural. i'm not a monster. and i don't hold a grudge. nor do i wish him bad karma, kan?

i did love him some time ago despite his intense dislike for me. and even though we parted with bad blood in his part, i could never hate him for all the hatred he has for me. all i have is this deep sadness. that i'd wasted my youth, my happiness on someone who couldn't even stand hearing my name. ever.

that's life, i guess. the needed pain to keep me safe from any unwanted dalliance. the needed reason for the invisible wall i unconsciously erected around me. the needed remembrance of how strong i have been to pick up the pieces and move on.

but now, i am free. and mature enough to wish him a happy birthday, to let go off the deep sadness etched whenever i remembered my uni years.

i cannot force anyone to love me if it's not in their heart to do so. i could never. but, i could love myself enough to realize that i am lovable. and that i could be a better person for not losing hope that i can still love other people.

it's a sad love story. unrequited. condemned. and misunderstood. added with my stubborn perseverence, well, it's a hopeless cause.

painful. but necessary. i won't say bad things about him even though at times, i did notice some things unfavourable. he is who he is. undominatable. unforgiving. unrelenting.

and i... just want to wish him, happy birthday~ May Allah love him so, guide him to the truest path and keep him safe.

may he know that for whatever that happened, i forgave him. in each single tear. shed nor unshed.

happy birthday, someone.