Shah's thoughts

a poem for Qayyim

i miss u
when we meet but couldn't talk

i miss u
when we talk but couldn't share

i miss u
when we share but couldn't laugh

i miss u
when we are together but apart

i miss u
when i'm here but you're there

but i miss u most
when the only company i want is YOU but you're not here..

holding everything in

these few days, i've put off all writings. holding everything in.

thus, such pent-up thoughts came out in dreams.

mak slipped off the wet kitchen floor. so, i got the plausible reason needed to take a few days off. mind you, my present esyubi sangat berkira-kira.. i mean, i know the timing is 50-50, with fida away, che'man busy in H and che'din still learning the ropes. yet, i needed the escape. room no.7 suddenly evolved into a claustrophobic place. i needed to get away. with hanya kau yang mampu conquering my airwaves constantly, i couldn't think much of anything else.

i deserve the escape.

and after some time of diplomatically emo-maneuvering him, i got the permission for 2 days off. after all, it would appear that he's not very lenient if he continued to evade seeing my logical reasoning, right? i mean, i, of all people, would love loathe to point out that with the meeting 8 days away, it would be only wise to get me the break first before i cranked up and started to make silly mistakes  he would pipe up for all the people to hear.

so there. he made me miss my former esyubi dreadfully sometimes. i miss laughing earnestly to esyubisi's outrageous quips. it felt like aeons ago when i had the chance to learn about life from him.

dato' and i, we had our arguments, misunderstandings and such. but i found myself missing a father figure, sometimes a scandalous one at that, when we were away. i remembered working over time, tarrying with tikayesyukay's overdemanding whims whilst he was abroad, it felt so hard not being able to have his guidance.

entahlah. kata orang, bila kita dah tak mempunyai, kehilangan dan terasing, kita akan rindu dan mula memahami erti sebenar menghargai.

i wish he knew that despite all, i really care and wish him well. that the next time i met him again, my jubilant smiles are really sincere in communicating how glad i am for being able to know someone as colourful as him..

today, i received a letter from my former division. it informed me that i am eligible for pergerakan gaji biasa. it also informed indirectly that this time, for the second consecutive year, i am the officer with the highest performance marks of my division. it made me feel good about myself, dear. furthermore the letter was also forwarded to my present division head. perhaps it further consolidates her belief in my sterling performance here.

i know, it took me quite a time for me to settle down nicely here. why? because here my ego takes a very solid beating. being the senior in terms of service, yet new to the working environment. i was always criticised for being too thorough in my work, thus taking so much time to complete an assignment. it was horrible, the early 2 months for me. yet, i learned quickly to get a grasp of the things here, hungering always to learn and absorb everything. i reveled in doing extra checking to help me improve my work. attentive, consistent, dedicated and unrelenting.

nowadays, when i become adept with the assignments, the esyubi complained when i completed too much assignments in one day. oh, well..

i'm very good at holding every emotion in when i choose to. ask Abang if he cares to answer. how i often behaved nonchalantly when we got to see each other. holding everything in.. whereas in the non-physical entity, i am rather physical in expressing what i truly feel. the dreams are taunting, the only outlet where i got to be passionate in my truest form.

last weekend, i went home for mom. a brief stay. and the journey back, i arrived 430 in the morning at hentian putra. with the confidence i didn't really feel, i hiched a ride in a bus heading towards hentian kajang. there, i started to feel the regret for taking the bus there. instead, i should have waited for a bus heading straight to putrajaya..

of course, there was no direct bus heading from kajang to putrajaya. i was left to stew there, amidst calls for taxi rides. and i did something i shouldn't have done. i took a ride in a phantom taxi. it was an illegal taxi, which i didn't realise at first. it was a rather uncomfortable ride, with my breath stuck in my throat the whole time. it was already 6 in the morning and i checked, blatantly, for the door, whether it was child-locked or not before settling in. i was uncomfortable, remorseful and suddenly faking the calm that i didn't feel. tell you what, it wasn't the only thing that i fake during the terror ride. i found myself suddenly with a husband that is currently working out of town and that we've been childless after a happy long marriage. and i am a mere clerk, making ends meet in putrajaya. i tried discouraging small talk with the unknown man (i know i was stupidly reckless in taking his offer) but he too sensed that i distrust him, thus compelling him to talk incessantly.

god. i promise myself i won't take such unnecessary risk again. though i was often reckless with my own person, it is only tantamount on me to preserve the good name of my family and the name of my husband-to-be as well.. after living so long, repressing the thoughts on the harm a man can inflict physically on me, it all came back within the fifteen minutes ride.

i'm so good at holding everything in, don't you think? repressing the ugliness of humanity.. believing, remembering only good things that i want to feel good with.

perhaps it's my way to take care of my own self. obliterating the fears by simply not thinking about it. when the ugly terror comes, i could only depend on God to keep me safe. for i have no other for me.

it was hellish last week when jeff was recuperating. i got to wake up early and take a bus to and from work. the 10 minutes travel became an hour affair. the frustration, the humility, the humbleness was tantamount. i suffered emotionally when i had to walk in the dark, late at night to reach home no.7 after work.

that's why i'd been literally quiet last week. if i started to talk about it, even a jot, i was afraid that i won't be able to endure the next day's trip without bursting into tears.

maybe ida manja. sensitif. emo.

but to tell you the truth, boarding the bus, enduring the walk alone in the dark, swallowing my ridiculous fears of being raped/ molested/ abused as i tried to reach home safely, was indeed a bruising mark upon my soul. i was scarred for life.

and to make it worse, i got to watch loving ones fetching their spouses, being with somebody who cares about their welfare. me? i got to reach that home. quick. alone. safe.

it's like reliving a very awful nightmare where all your screams are muted in your head.. night after night.

and it reminded me that i AM alone. that i have to take care of myself, all by myself.

perhaps, it was my fault for holding everything in. for appearing to be fearless, too independent that guys forgot that i still have the vulnerable girl inside of me somewhere. she's still there, cowering in aftermath of the ugly horrors in her life.

some say, people who hold everything in won't be able to control the emotional dam when it suddenly breaks..

i do let go of the flowing torrent occassionally. yet, there's so much more kept in.

so much more..

ciki kol

hari selasa lepas kak jie and the family singgah buat pertama kali di home no.7 ^o^

rasa happy tengok budak2 tu :)

si adam buat2 merajuk pasal dah lewat malam, dia baru bangun tido tak puas.

si ikram plak selamba je, the moment i greeted them at the car, terdengar suara comel, "cik da!"

wahwah! so comel itu budak!

then there was sarah, mamai gak. tapi seperti biasa itu cj7 tidak berkata-kata apa. her afro pun dah nipis sekarang ni :p

anyway, they spent quite a time menunggu ayah yang first time jumpa the opinionated pakcik malek.

talking about ayah and pakcik malek, nak tau apa kata ayah bila ditanya apa pendapat ayah tentang pakcik malek n minkus, ayah sengih. jawabnya senang: "besan!"

hahahaha!

anyway, tengah hari semalam masa sibuk di opis, handset berbunyi, bawang kol.. ini transkrip perbualan yang sempat dirakam..

"lo!"

"hello. ada apa abawang?"

"cik da!"

"ikram? err.. aboh ane?"

"aboh ido kak otel"

"abadam?"

"abadam ido kak otel gok"

"adik ara?"

"ara ido. cik da, otel, gi engok meinang. tomen.. ..."

i couldn't grasp the whole gist, tapi itu budak umur 2 tahun sangat cerdik, menalipon me for almost 15 minutes.

when i urged him to go and wake his aboh, then only he hung up.

aiii... hope to see him tomorrow! i want to give him his coklat beykki (^^,)t

this is not ikram, just a cheeky pix to remind me of his cheekiness :)

a downtime at a fevret old place

last weekend was eventful, to say the least.

last friday i bade abang e adieu. we met at the mall's pizzahut. i brought minkus along.. much to mom's consternation..

and i found out that night that mom slipped on a wet puddles made by her playful ruffians, Adam n the gang.. she hurt her back and had been ordered for a full bed rest. life wasn't sundry at home, with dad being aloof.. i picked up the frustrations oozing from mom, yet, i couldn't do much.. at a point, i feel that i'm selfish when i choose to block out other people's emotions from causing havoc on my chaotic mind.

selfishness, that's what mak accused me of being. with my current state of constant rebellion, she was concerned that perhaps it might rub off on my young sisters. thus, she kept asking them to stay at their respective places and not go around with me, at least, not before the exam. a reasonable notion. i agree with  that. but in parts, aside of pure selfishness, i understood that these tweens are having peer problems and need to be whisked out at least to vent their frustrations..

salah ida, kan.. i wasn't being a good daughter, now i'm not being a good sister also.

rasa sedih bila pikir-pikir balik.. at this moment, i couldn't be of any good to anyone. lost.

semalam, breakfast nasi lemak telur mata kerbau menyebabkan hausmet minkus terasa hati dengan minkus. buat ida rasa bersalah.. ida tak suka susahkan orang lain. paling benci orang bergaduh, walau sekecil mana, pasal ida... minkus plak tak reti nk beralah.. i was rallying to not have the breakfast at all, tapi bila fikir minkus akan lagi terasa hati, well, kutelan juga nasi lemak tu walau terasa kesat di rengkung..

dengan hati sedikit sebu, walaupun pada mulanya malas nk ke gym, akhirnya proceed jugak.. spent 45 mins on the treadmill, melayan grey's anatomy season 2 finale. a hot shower, touch up and i was ready to go traipsing.

bumped into fahmy on my way out. oops! lupa i got appointment with him jap agi.. aduhai, rasa bersalah sangat!!

anyway, back to my story. i parked nearby masjid jame' and went to cm. the books were not that good. no JQ this time.. not even JM available. i found lisa kleypas instead and suprisingly she proved herself a good scintillating read :">

i spent half of the noon away by reading the book at the McD upper level overlooking the CM street. sipping coke n leafing through the book. no music, just the sound of the patrons' chatter accompanied me into the world of something else.

escapism never felt this decadent..

by maghrib, i managed to reach home. eventful, but thankfully, i reached home to a nice, albeit moderate, bath and a comfy sleepwear..

sigh.. i sure could do with this heavenly lone time again, a good read n a time of my own.. it's my fevret kind :)

mimpi lagi

semalam mimpi memegang tangan seseorang.

mungkin kerna semasa nonton congkak semalam saya mengimpikan muvidet sama Abang.

mungkin.

Abang pernah berjanji nk belanja saya nonton wayang.. sampai sekarang masih tinggal sebagai janji..

sigh.. takpe. saya akan sabar menuntut janji. mungkin tahun ni, mungkin tahun depan. mungkin lepas kawin kan? <- kalau tak kawin, maknanya tak tertunai la janji tu, kan?

berbalik kepada mimpi semalam, i couldn't remember the story. i only remember the bits and pieces. terbayang memegang tangan orang tersayang. kerana saya tak pernah memegang tangan Abang walau pernah terbuka ruang dengan peluang, saya merasakan tangannya lembut sahaja, tak kasar macam saya :">

mungkin peristiwa ruang dan peluang tu masih Abang ingat. di dewan kecil.. and we talked about it in your office. Abang ingat lagi tak?

masa tu.. well, i still feel the same, i cannot bear a single touch for fear that i'll want more. much, much more.

Aizat - Hanya Kau Yang Mampu

 


Ku cuba redakan relung hati
Bayangmu yang berlalu pergi
Terlukis di dalam kenangan
Bebas bermain di hatiku


Cerita tentang masa lalu
Cerita tentang kau dan aku
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Cerita tentang masa lalu
Cerita tentang kau dan aku
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan kau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku


Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo
Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo
Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo

Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku
ooooo

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0B7wcqGbRw0

hapdet muvidet semalam

semalam balik awal jugak la.. berkejar-kejar dari putrajaya ke cineleisure damansara in case jem di tengah jalan. mah ikut sekali.

we arrived a bit on the time, after settle tickets, proceed to McD... abang E n minkus belum sampai2 lagik :(

borak2 with mah. i realized in a bit that i'm rather hard once pricked, ever since i'm young. and that i couldn't hide my annoyance with anyone at all. bila tak suka, memang jelas terpancar di mata. senyum pun macam tak mampu.

i can't pretend. kalu suka, memang suka. kalau dah tak suka, tak leh sorok-sorok. in a part, tak pandai jaga hati orang kot? hmmm..

Anyway, itu dua worang sampai sangat lambat. by 815 baru dapat masuk. dah le masa kalut-kalut tu tersilap masuk dewan tayangan citer kl evolusi drift, heh!

patut la konfius semacam, hahaha!

bila masuk hall, citer dah start. si lisa dah merepek-repek pasal opah. eee... hangin betul! lain kali datang awal bleh tak? klepekkk betul la!

anyway, citer congkak tu very disappointing la. sangat. memang la takut jugak dengan part yg seram. tapi storyline lemah gile. benci.

tengok sekali dengan minkus and abang E. si minkus menengok di balik jari, dah le seat sebelah dia kosong.. i was in the middle, abang E di sebelah kanan, kesian telinga dia kena piat masa terkejut first time opah tu menjengah di tingkap. nasib baik tak mandi popkon, huhuhu!

apapun, after that kitorang lepak kat mamak fourteen. borak pasal politik sampai tengah malam.. makan murtabak sesuap sorang sambil menyudu kek cheese secret recipe. yum!

best frens?

lepak kat surau masa kitorang yg lain melayan congkak.

one of the few nicest shots ever taken...

well, i had fun. it's a nice change to hang out with Abang E and adik2 minus the family..

after tonight by Mariah Carey

I look at you looking at me
Feels like a feeling meant to be
And as your body moves with mine
It's like I'm lifted out of time

And time again
Patientiy I've waited
For this moment to arrive

After tonight
Will you remember
How sweet and tenderly
You reached for me
And pulled me closer
After you go
Will you return to love me
After tonight begins to fade

I feel your touch caressing me
This feeling's all I'll ever need
With every kiss from your sweet lips
It's like I'm drifting out of time

Alone will tell
If you feel the way I feel
When I look in your eyes

After tonight
(After tonight)
Will you remember
(Will you remember)
How sweet and tenderly
You reached for me
And pulled me closer
After you go
(After you go)
Will you return to love me
After the night becomes the day

Time
And time and time again
(Time and time again)
So patiently I've waited
For this moment to arrive

After tonight
(After tonight)
Will you remember
How sweet and tenderly
You reached for me
And pulled me closer
After you go
Baby will you return to love me
After the night becomes the day
After tonight begins
(Begins)
To fade

After all
After all
After all
When the morning comes
When the morning comes
After tonight
Begins to fade
(After tonight)
Begins to
Fade

-> teringat lagu ni after a night of MC-themed AI.. David Cook was brilliant even though pitchy at times.. sigh.. what would i give to see Michael Johns performing too... he's my fave even though i got an inkling that David Cook is surely having his golden shot at the number 1 place.

forget david archuleta, please. i wondered, he's good, but not that good enough.. sometimes, he sounded like he's crying or something. bashful n weepy.

hmmm.. i managed to infuse this post with something ascerbic :p

enjoy the song, though.. remind me to get my hands on the MC past albums, will you?

my first MC album. i got it when i was 14. learnt english with her..

• hero
• music box
• without you
• anytime u need a friend

the best. ever.

• underneath the stars
• always be my baby
• long ago
• forever
• when i saw u
• looking in
• one sweet day

a bit risque, don't u think? love the hair, though :p

• the beautiful ones
• the roof
• butterfly
• my all
• whenever u call
• close my eyes

definitely naughty :">

• after tonight
• how much
• did i do that
• petals
• heartbreaker
• thank god i found u
• crybaby
• x gf

sigh.. i'm feeling rather nostalgic.

muvi det

"kaun mi in", sms Abg E semalam.

"kak ida tak kisah ke Mak marah?" soal salimah awal pagi tadi.

"ami dah terbau popkon ni", rengek Minkus just now.

ketiga-tiga respons yg dikutip bila plan tengok muvi dengan Abang E and minkus malam ni diutarakan.

belum pasti sama ada akan jadi atau tidak muvi det malam ni.. kata2 salimah yg paling berbekas. terkesima sekejap utk menjawabnya.

sukar nk menjelaskan my conviction. kesian jugak pasal tinggalkan salimah sorang2.. kesian sangat pasal after 2 days of stay, malam first tu je dapat kua dengan dia. the rest, busy kat opis. esok dia dah nk balik nilai..

in a part, i admire her resillience in staying true to mom's ultimatum. even though we, the children, are naturally belligerent, she still had the bone to not set foot beyond that line.

me? i lost count. not because i don't respect mom's wishes... well, maybe in a part, i am being disrespectful sometimes. it's just that, i choose which line to toe, that's all. in my convoluted sense of ethics, morals etc, i felt that her reservations against cinema rather biased and uncalled for.

besides, i don't hear anything against Abang E, Dqin n the rest of the boys getting the 1st degree for hopping into cinema anytime they like. it's a rather gender-bias ultimatum. agaknya maksiat yg ada kat cinema tu takkan terpalit kat lelaki kot? cuma menodai perempuan yang baik-baik sahaja...

actually, rasa sedih. this is the one of the two mom's lines that i refused to toe. her rather orthodox negative branding hurts.

kalau dulu akan rasa bersalah melanggar perintah. actually memang rasa bersalah pasal outright langgar papan tanda amaran. cuma kekadang, there'll be the time when i just become unreasonable, i just don't give a freakin' damn.

stubborn, i am. with prickling conscience that i chose to stiffle, no less.

sampai bila pun benda ni akan jadi bara...

macam mana nk jelaskan ek? hati rasa sedih pasal just because i like to watch cinema, i was branded with loose morals and lacking anak solehah fibre. it is something that i like and it helps me to de-stress, can mom ever understand that?

and she keeps throwing that bone, if i'm respectful of her, then i should this and that-

does she understand me at all?

the reason she gave was that should any respectable family come for my hand, they might be repulsed off the notion once they knew i am a cinema-goer.

in truth, i feel sad.

i really dislike going against her decrees, the quick branding, the unjust judgment. the sweeping statement. the emotional blackmail.

but all in all, i know she loves me. that she worries that her girls are one by one getting to be spinsters, like her sisters. old maids.

she reminds me everytime, unknowingly, without audible words, that no one wants me..

and that is sad because i could not say that out loud. for fear that it will come true. that it's the truth all along.

...

malam semalam

semalam, after a rather sombre evening, been missing someone.. and discovering michael johns had been booted out off AI, rasa mandom, malas nk kua mana2.. tapi bila ingatkan adikku itu belum makan apa2 sejak jam 12, gagahkan juga diri untuk kua.

cadangnya nk cari gas LPG yg dah abis kat mini mart presint 9, area rumah lama echah. pastu nk proceed to fudkot. sesat aihh! berpusing-pusing :(

akhirnya sampai jugak. kerang bakar sungguh tak mencapai standard. mentah, tawar dan tak cukup masak. sosnya cair tapi pedas.

terjumpa gerai tauhu bakar. mahal sket compared to mapley. sos banyak. tapi kurang kick compared to mapley. hmmm..

nasib baik soursop blended sungguh menyamankan hati. mah pun suka, senyum dia bila dapat rasa suapan pertama.

bila balik, tapau roti john. buat breakfast.

once sampai kat umah, after adjust tong gas, terperasan fon ada missed call.

...

Abg.

7.51pm.

masa terbaca missed call tu, otak froze sekejap. Abg? as in Abg E? but the neurons kept clicking again, it's Abang.

perhaps he's returning my call. semalam on the way home from ofis, i was crying. rasa rindu sangat. tapi panggilan tak berjawab.

staring at the phone, tetiba je rasa bercampur-campur.. composed a short note..

anyhow, last night, a hazy dream is all i have.

perhaps it's enough for now..

sigh~

hujan

hujan lebat di luar.. buat hati lagi-

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Icv6DgZ-9O4

mendengar lagu no air membuatkan hati teringat seseorang yang memberi makna kepada sonata ini.

tiada udara, Abang. can you imagine how that feel?

terasa hiba tersangkut di rengkung. misunderstood. mistrusted with suspicions. left in the cold all alone.

udara terasa tiada bila kita jauh.. rindu yg ada, menyesakkan jiwa. terasa hidup di bumi kosong tanpa udara.

dan tiada sepicing kata diberi untuk merungkaikan kekusutan. mengisi kekosongan, menjawab persoalan.

hujan di luar lebat, tapi tak selebat hujan di hati, Abang.

titis hiba jatuh satu persatu mencemari bumi~

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air

when you ain't here i just couldn't breathe

no air. no air. no air.

i wish i could walk away from the numbing pain. obliviate the hurt by diving into my work n hedonistic pleasures.

but every gulps of air brings me back into thinking of him. does he know that?

i couldn't breathe.

sunyi

tetiba saja angin sunyi itu menyapa

bertamu dalam jiwa

menitip riak kolam hiba

meluah rasa berseloka

sunyi itu sepi, kata orang.

to me, sunyi itu satu bunyi bising bingit di telinga, menyatakan yang diri terasa sendiri dan sememangnya sendiri.

i could be with crowds, all jubilant and happy, and yet i felt alone. sunyi. seakan sendiri di gurun Sahara, dipapasi pasir gersang berterbangan di ruang kontang.

sunyi itu seakan satu kedinginan. sejuk yang sampai ke sumsum tulang. mencengkam.

today, i felt it. like many other days past. and perhaps in the days that are to come...

to find someone to chase it all away, i wish. there is none. the kindred soul is yet to be found.

the one who identify the same cold in the warm mix of people, just by a glance. the throat tightens, will i someday be the recipient of such knowing look? the soul who understands how claustrophobic i could get amidst society, yet felt lonely when left alone?

a mess of contradicting emotions.

saya mencari orang yang sunyi. kerna dia tahu yang sunyi itu takkan sunyi lagi bila dikongsi bersama orang yang juga sunyi...

kerang bakar vs mah

tengah2 bizi membuat kerja yg bertangguh, terasa nak makan kerang bakar. kat foodcourt depan umah saya ada gerai kerang bakar.

teringat mah yg suka makan kerang. hmmm.. ada citer tragedi antara mah and kerang rebus. agak2 dia ingat lagi tak sebagaimana ida ingat everytime ida tengok kerang?

mm.. masa suntuk, kita citer tragedi kerang salimah lain kali la, ek? citer sadis, lucu dan kesian. kena spend banyak masa utk telusi kisah tu.

anyway, this morning was a morning when i remembered mah. terasa macam nk ajak dia datang ke home no.7.. cuma rasa ragu2.. takut bila dia datang, rasa sakit hati lagi. entahlah.. malas buat dan tengok dia menangis lagi. she made me feel like a monster that i know i am, only worse.

and i don't like that feeling. she expected too many things so much, taking control, dictating in such a, unreasonable way of her to get her whims and wishes done.

funny, this short post should be about kerang bakar and mah's plan to sleepover. instead, the cruella deVille rants :)

takpelah.. hoping for the best.

catch up with yr guys later. after work, kalu sempat akan makan kerang bakar.

one thing, if i hear one complaint from her this time, siap! ya, saya memang garang!

bila kubilang rasa kurang senang, tentu semuanya tak abis, kan?

kadang2 rindu jugak. cuma tak mahu tengok dia mengada-ngada dan menangis lagi.

the truth, she made me hate myself sometimes.

kursus di genting

last weekend, sabtu dan ahad, saya telah ke genting view, menghadiri kursus ICT, mencuba aplikasi baru MBKM bagi kegunaan division. semua perjalanan, penginapan dan makanan disediakan urus setia. it's as if i got all-expenses paid trip to spend a weekend there...

happy ke? tah.. penat. rasa tak perlu spend the whole weekend di sana pasal program dia simple-mimple. dah le programmer tersilap bawak prototype yg bermasalah :bengang:

apapun, supaya saya tak rasa sangat membazir masa dan tenaga sangat, saya telah berusaha bersungguh-sungguh utk memberi input mendalam. saya sangat sayang dengan masa saya. biarlah saya membazirkannya sendiri, kalu orang lain cuba bazirkan, saya jadi rimas. silap-silap saya boleh jadi marah.

cuba bayangkan.. kitorang bertolak dari ofis jam 11.30pagi on saturday. sampai, kitorang makan dan rehat2. by 230, taklimat kursus dan penggunaan sistem. by 445 dah settle. the next session was at 9am the next day, which comprised of technical training only. masa the first day tu pun actually dah buat technical training and program debug. IMHO, tak perlu technical training the next day pun, pasal diorang tak sempat nk ammend teguran kitorang pun. asyik runtime error je.

apapun, layan je la.. malam tu, instead of spending time with tv, i slept. apartment yg kosong tu saya tido sorang2 je pasal staf2 yg lain balik or kongsi bilik dengan member. the 3 rooms-apartment was rather creepy, considering it was situated next to bushy hilltop. i slept at the ruang tamu, with the tv on, terjaga beberapa kali utk adjust siaran tv apabila the present one abis siaran.

on sunday morning, i attended the training session. repeat benda yg sama, but with much more active participation lest i became bored and abandoned the course altogether.

by 11, kelas dah abis. disappointed, actually. waited until 220 for the bus home to arrive. sampai opis, picked up jeff and we went to cm.

from that point, my weekend rather picked itself up. i got 2 JQs and one Judith McNaught for a rather good price. not bad, huh..

then, i went to jaya33, feeling like attending the session early. unfortunately, encik kamil who's filling in for encik fahmy was not available for the period. i went jogging on the treadmill instead.

later, i dropped by at minkus' home. took her for a tauhu bakar treat, kesian adikku itu yg dah beberapa hari menyetelkan tesis beliau yang tak siap2...

after a scrumptious dinner, i went back home. Lady Whistledown was waiting, heh!

a thought from grey's anatomy

semalam melayan celoteh hausmet sementara saya. em. saya rasa saya dah terbiasa melayan tv sorang2. perlu masa utk adjust preference dan rutin saya <- ini nasihat mak bila saya mengomel :)

then, kak asidah left me to my own devices. main game yg baru dijumpai dalam komputer opis, heh! oh ya, bercakap pasal opis, semalam terserempak pok hing datin, my dad's cousin kat cafe aras G. he's a contract officer at MOA now, going to attend the investiture ceremony this monday. he mentioned that he was informed that i am to be relocated to Istana Negara in the near future. erk, huh? apsal tak tau pun? on what grounds? i AM perplexed and bewildered. THOROUGHLY. jadi penolong DPML II kot? <- ampun bang, melawak saja ^0^

anyway, kata-kata pok hing buat sub conscious saya tak lena. sambil melayan games, saya terfikir-fikir akan possibility tersebut.

time tu tv terpasang citer grey's anatomy season 3, 2nd last episode. dan terkesima saya bila scene ni dimainkan..

CRISTINA: "What am I supposed to say? 'I swear to love and cherish you every moment of everyday of my life?' I mean, that's not real. I mean, that's not how it works, right?"

CALLIE: "It does, at first, but then it..."

MEREDITH: "It passes."

IZZIE: "No, it doesn't. You guys are just used to it, that's all. You already have it, you have that thing everybody else wants. You can take it for granted, but let me tell you, if you didn't - if you couldn't be with the person that you love, I guarantee that hearing him promise you, love you and honor you and cherish you, no matter what, it would be pretty much all you could think about."

CRISTINA: "Wait, can you say that again? Just slowly."

MEREDITH: "You're talking about Denny, right?

IZZIE: "Right."

didn't i told you that izzie is my fave character in GA? the way she said it, i felt and i identified. more than one way or another.

kita mudah ambil mudah, kan. bila kita tahu orang tu sayangkan kita, dan akan maafkan kita walau macam mana pun kita lukakan hati dia, kita ambil mudah.

mendengar celoteh junior di ofis, she's my muse at the office, teman berkongsi kutuk-mengutuk, i wondered at her constant angst regarding her bf's unwillingness to come home to Malaysia instead of working in Dubai.

i listened to her rants. and i wondered. they already went pass the threshold of joint-commitment declaration. the only contention was that the guy just won't say when he's going to make a honest woman out of her. they will marry when he came back from Dubai, he promised. so, instead of being grateful of such commitment, she kept asking him to come back.

isn't that mengambil mudah to you?

i feel that she's already lucky that they are having two-way commitment with each other. and i also understand that she's come to the point when she yearns for marriage. i understand that. but i also understand that marriage comes to those who least expect it. and i also think she needs to reasses her reactions towards her bf, lest she turns him away.

and in this case, i became Izzie Stevens. i know what the right steps to take, what the right words to say, but i don't have George.

i don't have George..

excuse me, i need to go and have my quiet moment of self-pity..

mimpi yang terlupa

bukan mimpi saya terlupa tapi saya terlupa mimpi semalam.

biasalah, mimpi yg tak best dan tak mengikut kehendak penaja, ahaks.

tapi sejujurnya, saya rasa saya punya kebolehan conscious dan subconscious utk berada dalam keadaan penafian. living in denial, kata orang.

kekadang saya terimbas perkara yg lalu yg saya dah obliviatekan pasal saya dah taknak ingat lagi.

tapi baru-baru ni kenangan yg tak nak diingat timbul kembali. over raging outburst last weekend, it all came back. the demons are here again.

i was reminded of the times before i became the model student. i often played truant, especially on sundays, for the sake of melodi and apentah lagi. malas.

those were the dark ages. the era when i was rebellious. but i've chosen to black them out. the things i remembered were my friendship with D, a crush with a certain boy D secretly liked and MJr thingy. i remembered those parts but not the black spots.

only to be reminded again with a vengeance.

truthfully, i am not always the mild-mannered person. entah. terlalu banyak layer yang ada. ada masa saya macam tak malu dan tak takut langsung. ada masa saya rasa sangat malu, sangat terasing dan sangat rendah diri.

ada masa saya sangat baik. ada masa saya tak.

kekadang saya terlupa hidup ini cuma sementara.. cuma sepicing mimpi..

tapi saya terlalu degil, keras hati.

ada masa lembut hati, sensitif bagai.. ada masa saya tak peduli, apa nk jadi, jadi la..

bila terluka, terus butakan rasa dari rasa apa-apa..

semalam saya mimpikan seseorang. mungkin apa yang berlaku antara kami melukakan hati saya.. mungkin kerana itu saya simpan intipati mimpi itu dalam-dalam. saya tak nak terluka lagi, kecewa tak sudah-sudah dengan rasa hati.

walaupun hanya mimpi, terkadang peritnya di hati berbekas dalam. terkadang i woke up feeling the unbearable pain lingered. a physical pain that just won't ebb.

how it hurts...

teringat tauhu bakar

walaupun gym saya nun jauh di pj seksyen 14, saya tetap gagahkan semangat utk pergi. walaupun sebelum ni sikit goyah kegagahan semangat saya, tapi sejak saya dah tak muat kebanyakan baju saya yg kecik, saya upkan kembali semangat tersebut.

kenapa saya pilih gym ni?

• luas, ada swimming pool dan lagunya menarik
• dekat dengan rumah minkus, boleh berdating sama sekurang-kurangnya sekali seminggu
• sentimental, saya dulu berkampung di pj after tamat sekolah di kampung
• mapley dia happening!

dua malam lepas, after spending time jogging for an hour (tipu!), i picked up minkus and we went to mapley for supper. she wasn't well, been desperate for a hot milo there.

and there, we've been initiated to tauhu bakar. waaahhh.. sangat sedap. the first taste, i was like, betul-betul holiawww!

heh!

memandangkan malam sudah hampir lewat waktu, terpaksa la makan sambil share. ada rasa cam nk tapau, tapi mengingatkan exercise sebelum tu cuma kurang satu jam, lupakan sajalah.. kalau nk makan lagi kena exercise lebih lagi. rajin lagi.

sigh~ i hate it when i feel so bmi-conscious. it made me want to eat sinfully calorie-topping delicacies even more :(

fitness trainers

last night i met my new fitness trainer. know what, the business of ever changing the trainers made me wary. bosan.

first there was deco. he's nice, good looking. we had chemistry. later, he quitted his job.

second came carrick. nice also. but busy, being senior trainer and all. he passed me to hanafi.

hanafi was charming. a friend. only after 2 sessions, he got into a serious auto accident.

now, after i practically behaved rudely on the phone, i found out in person that my current trainer, encik fahmy, comel plak :">

okeyh! saya akan berusaha bersungguh-sungguh utk menjaga kesihatan saya selepas ini :p

be happy

i am as i am.

no one ever knew, not even you.

quit judging, stop over expecting.

then only will u be happy with yr life.

after a night of imsonia

last night was a torture. i fell asleep for almost an hour, feeling out of sorts.

drunk a cup of potent coffee to help me go through the pekeliling. up till 4, i finally finished the review. and found myself suffering mtv imsonia. unable to sleep, no matter how i twist and turn. i watched house to while the time but to no avail. he's too much distracting.

i tried reading the unputdownable anne stuart's into the fire, lagi imsonia jadinyer, huhuhu. ralit :p

by 5, i really couldn't endure it anymore, paksa diri, tutup tv n pejamkan mata. only to woke up by 530 when kak asidah left for darusshifa'. later, terbangun lagi kol 615 when my alarm went off. lastly, bangun kol 720. shweet!!

as a result, my head is thumping, my punch card lewat 9 minit. and i really need my sleep!

gone baby gone: a question on my sense of ethics

i watched this fascinating piece with minkus.

orang tersayang diculiki memang sangat menarik, jujur dan saspen. what made me like the story even more was that it made me think long and question my sense of ethics.

what will i do if i were in his shoes? return the baby to her haywire mother or leave her in the care of good people?

i like the film, i really do. the story telling was superb, the momentum never dropped and everything was smooth. i was left guessing at every point. even though i know the fake robbery was perpetrated by the character played by the buff-looking ed harris, i was squirming in my seat, nerve-wrecked by the intention of the crooked police, afraid of any possible gunshot taking the witness down.. i squirmed, my dears.

i love the way ben affleck weaved two children kidnaps into a seamless story; the way casey affleck narrated both cases with much sadness, wariness.. how the first baby was lamented its loss, yet, the latter latina kid, no one ever sought his help to find him.. only that by mere luck, he discovered the whereabouts of the kid, only too late. he shot the pervert who caused the kid's senseless death in the head. and i wondered, will i pull the trigger, too, if i were him?

will i?

i think casey affleck deserves an award for such a sterling performance. he's a vulnerable mercenary, yet unafraid of rushing ahead into action. i could feel his fear in my throat, the fast beating of the heart pumped by the adrenaline, yet i understood his actions, he needed to react to the situation instead of waiting, pondering in darkness.

for such bravery in vulnerability, i lauded him. really.

watch this movie if u have time.

it made u think of yourself. the values you have, the questions that are left lingering within..

minkus and me debated on the issue of whether we'd call the police and surrender the baby to its mother or simply walk away, knowing that we've done something to ensure her of a better life instead of the inevitable fate she'll suffer as a daughter to an addict.

minkus wanted to return the baby, that the chief has no right to her, no matter how much he and his wife dot on the baby.

me, i want to turn around and walk away. to be comfortable in the thought that she's in good hands now. but part of my head, knows it's unethical and completely against the law. i found myself contemplating to return the baby. not for her hopeless mother. but for my responsibility in upholding the amanah. human law by any rate, sucks. but, it is amanah that she needs her mother, by legal sense.

finally, i draw my conclusion. take the lesser of two evils. viewing this with my islamic principle, if returning the baby to her mother will ensure that she'd end up in worse care, i might have the liberty of tipu sunat, perhaps. of course, no such thing as tipu sunat. but if the omission of truth might help her live a much better life, i took the responsibility to walk away.

anytime.

minkus wanted to return the baby for her own reason: she pitied the baby's aunt. only to be let down by the fact that the baby's aunt doesn't have any further connection in the child's life at the end of the story.

sucks, kan?

oh, well~ c'est la vie...

old movies

selalunya, bila belek balik dan nonton citer lama yg penah saya gilakan dulu, contohnya: Lois & Clark, saya tergelak sendiri. punya la saya sanggup gamble studies saya dulu semata-mata nk tengok citer ni. bila dah berduwit, saya beli citer ni. dua box set yg dah almost 8 months ada kat umah saya. tapi bila saya pasang dan tengok balik, humang ai. saya malu sendiri :">

time tu teknologi sci-fi masih rendah. kualiti lakonan masih kayu dan storyline ntahapeapentah.. i mean, i cringed! but i remembered, the believable chemistry between clark n lois was the one that mattered dulu. kan?

then, i watched ever after by drew barrymore n dougray scott. opinionated, passionate and funny, the main ingredients of my fave movie. i think i've watched this for 100th times without ever feeling bored nor disenchanted.

the moment henry rejected danielle publicly at the ball, i've severed any romantical inclinations i have for him ever since. the betrayal of trust was too high a crime. even though he somewhat redeemed himself later on with such a hearfelt rendition:

i knelt before u not as a prince, but a man in love.

but i will feel like a king, should u agree to be my wife...

sigh...

anyway, here's the prime piece of my post today: out of sight by george clooney n jennifer lopez. it was on Starmovies last night and i found myself intrigued by george's smile. way before he schemed with his elevens and twelves plus thirteens, he had robbed me off my attention with this quirky love story.

even though this movie is considered an oldie by my rate, i found it timeless. coupled with george's signature laughing eyes, i think i'd always be entertained by it on any rainy day.

know what, his laughing eyes and daredevillish laidback self always remind me of MJr. i wonder why?

all in all, i think i love having Starmovies and its lot at home no.7~ it helps me get through my weekend with much pleasure :)

i miss him, part II

bukan kesinambungan dari post yg lepas tapi ia tetap membawa rasa jiwa yang sama.

i miss him.

momsie has been busy leafing thru my past posts that i became compelled into doing the same thing. taking a trip along the memory lane.

sigh..

i miss him.

kekadang rasa aneh. bagaimana boleh bercinta sekadar berhubung melalui telepati sahaja. tanpa sentuhan, tanpa bicara kosong, tanpa bisikan sayang, hati kecil dapat merasakan Abang juga rindu.

jealousy

jealousy is what i felt

when u r not here

jealousy is what i hate

when u smile at her

jealousy is all i have

when i hold u so dear

jealously, i'm in love with you.

jealously, i wish for nothing but a lifetime with you

jealously, i know one day you'll tell me jealousy is what u felt, too.

-> miss u too much.. jealously :)