Shah's thoughts

happy bday dear salimah!

last night kak nor asidah spent the night at home no.7~ it was the first for her. as the guest room was not ready to be occupied yet, i gave her m&d's room. we later on had dunia baru treat at mines before retiring home :)

hmm.. i really should consider getting the double decker bed pronto. setting up the guest room seem to be taking a bigger priority in my budget planning.

hmmm, talking about budget, today is mah's 20th bday.. malas la nk celebrate besar-besaran as my gaji belum masuk. budget yang ada cuma sipi-sipi je.. however, a young girl's fervent wish is too much to be let down.. as a young girl once, whose adolescent dreams were squashed one by one, i really hope i can give her a day to remember...

hope to God that everything goes well today. i still don't have firm plans on today's celebration. mungkin pasal semuanya bergantung pada budget yg ada...

apapun, i'm going to pick her up at usim in a short while. after that, we will spend a moment at nilai square, i need to find kain shantong silk apentah for majlis angkat sumpah ahli jemaah menteri nanti. harap2 tak mahal sangat as my budget is sorely limited.

then we'll proceed for a sauna stint at true fitness. maybe after that we'll go for a chickenhartz binge at berjaya times square, fufu~

later on, after fetching minkus, we'll need to pick up kak and abang azuan at kl sentral by 8pm.

life is much wonderful if we strive to have us and those we loves happy. :)

my long time fave ~ the thornbirds

The title refers to a mythical bird that searches for thorn trees from the day it is hatched. When it finds the perfect thorn, it impales itself, singing the most beautiful song ever heard as it dies.

em, i first chanced upon The Thornbirds mini-series during my brief stay in JB in year 1992. i was eleven and the love at first sight was wonderfully woven into memory..

i know, i was young. but the story starts off with Meggie Cleary being young also.. and she falls for Father Ralph de Bricassart nonetheless, like i did :)

the address should you feel like reading more about the miniseries: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Thorn_Birds_(TV_miniseries)

here's some pix to relieve the white hot nostalgic passion i once had of the love-lorn couple~

they are the dashing (but woefully gay in real life, what a waste!) Richard Chamberlain and the willful Rachel Ward (i love her husky voice!)

                                                                                                                                                                

here's a snippet shared by the beautiful Meggie:

The day that I first saw you at the Gilly station, you smiled at me, then you said my name. Then you touched me. And since that day, I have somehow known, though I never saw you again, that my last thought this side of the grave would be of you. And there's nothing I can do to change it. Do you know how terrifying it is, that power you have over me?

it sort of echoes my passion over someone particular. the power of loving someone even though the time passes by and we are both with someone else.. that should he beckons me closer, i somehow won't be unable to walk away..

hope i'll be able to find the collection at batu feringgi... i've gotten the colleen mc cullough's book when i was perusing for books at my fave CM haunt. it was such a surprise and believe me, the series does give ample justice to the original book :)

emm, browsing for their photos do take a while :(

   

i couldn't find any other worth putting or rather PG-rated for you guys.

but i think it's a worthy wait for a 15 years of romance, don't u think?

i love mc leod's daughters!

back at home during my Dark Ages in 2004-2005, i spent a lot of time with AXN and hallmark. everyday at 1pm, channel 11 was my fave and i couldn't bear being away lest i become out of touch with the latest on-goings of McLeod's Daughters~

however, i lost touch with the delightful series since penultimate august 2005. by feb 2008, i got reacquinted and to my surprise, many things have changed. Alex Ryan had gotten married thrice. Claire Mc-Leod Ryan is nowhere to be found. tess n nick got married to be later on divorced.. ~sigh.

here's their website http://mcleodsdaughters.ninemsn.com.au/ should u feel like peeking :p

and let me introduce you to my fave girls:

Claire mc Leod Ryan is the one with the quirky smile :)

tess Mc Leod Ryan is the braided naive girl :)

and my fave couple, Mr & Mrs Nick Ryan :)

aren't they adorable?

sigh.... i think i'm gonna hunt the thornbirds pix later. what a bliss! (^^,)t

books i love to have ^o^

i love to read. ever since i was small, reading has always been my black hole, a haven of pleasure-filled refuge.

mine.

will you believe me that i once spent my free time reading stpm history text books just because my house n the school library run out on new readable books? i was having such a boring time after the upsr finished that i resorted to reading such an advanced material..

to this day, reading has always been a pleasure. back at home no.7, the guest room already has a fairly extensive book collection. by this rate, i think, i'll need to find bigger racks and establish my personal library at home no.7 :p

here's a few that i wish to have soon :)

1. julia quinns
2. disney hard cover reading collection <- sentimental reasons, they are my first reading collection when i was 9 years old
3. a series of unfortunate events <- i promised ayin these
4. Protokol & etiket dalam pengurusan dan menghadiri majlis - mokhtar mohd tohar, INTAN
5. judith mcnaughts
6. p.s. i love u <- promoted by kakak buku vot

there are many, you know. but as usual, they come in drizzle :)

update later, then~

the importance of being organised

there is a point in your life when you start to take everything into a wider perspective and wisen up.

to me, such point comes a tad bit late. blame me, scoff, do anything u like, but i feel that getting to 27 years of age really reminds me of how old i am already. not old in the decrepit sense, but rather, withered. embittered.

i still have my laughter still. penchant for life's wonder is still there. yet, i become much aware of the heavy responsibilities of living.

thus, managing my own life into organised flow is a must. preplan everything. premeditate each step and be prepared.

but last not least,

plan to have fun along the way, darling. life is, just a moment. it won't come back on rewind like Hiro's :)

on the phone with mom last night

last night, an hour was spent talking and chit-chatting with mom over the phone.

~sigh~ i miss her so...

the topic? it was eclectic. about kak's stay at home no.7, frens, work and future plans. know what, if u ever wonder about the origin of my dry sense of humor and sometimes giddyish, goofy look on things, it's from mom. we both are alike in so many ways.. and when the mood takes, we bring the house down like fire :)

she knows me too well, i might say.

anyway, we got into discussing about the possible monster in-laws  that we could end up with. trust me, we did that humorously, no offense, k? after having a biras and adik ipars that sometimes choose to be free-hair ladies, who knows whether one shall end up as a daughter in law to a free-hair lady in the future.

hmmm~

to be honest, the tentative question was put forth in a jesting manner in order to gauge her true stand regarding that issue.

and no, the answer was negative. NO.

she was adamant.

and i ponder long on that issue. macam mana ek, Abang?

psikologi sungguh. diplomatic and diligent skills are needed shall there be a lasting commitment made.

alahai :{

easy listening!

along with the movies wish list, the trip at batu feringgi shall also be complete with this list :)

1. colbie caillart - coco
2. evanescence
3. mariah carey - butterfly, fantasy, touch my body
4. bsb
5. daughtry
6. celine dion - falling into you
7. cranberries
8. bryan adams - 18 till i die!
9. maroon 5
10. madonna - i'll remember
11. Michael Jackson
12. onerepublic feat timbaland
13. justin timberlake
14. n'sync

hmmm... many more shall add itself :)

plan nk bercuti di batu feringgi - movies

i am planning for a break at batu feringgi.

except that the budget still doesn't permit :( i have to fork out some money for travel and accommodation expenses. at least, i have to stay overnight there, kan?

however, it doesn't hurt to put up the list of the movies i wish to acquire, (^^,)t

1. district b13
2. casino royale
3. the atonement
4. 3 ninjas franchise <- ini untuk adik2ku, "rocky loves emily!"
5. kawasaki
6. ugly betty series
7. prisonbreak series
8. not another teen movie
9. wicker park
10. house series
11. heroes series
12. private practice series
13. beowulf
14. cj7
15. lust, caution
16. scary movie franchise
17. remember the titans
18. i AM legend
19. disturbia
20. indiana jones franchise
21. transformers
22. harry potter franchise
23. disney anastasia
24. a series of unfortunate events
25. back to the future franchise
26. juno
27. there will be blood
28. 27 dresses
29. the mummy franchise
30. the thornbirds miniseries
31. the matrix trilogy
32. before sunset - ethan hawke n julia delphy

the list shall continue, that one i promise :)

cooking for breakfast at work

minus the pix of my bfast today, though :(

this morning terlewat satu minit for work after spending almost 10 mins preparing kuetiaw soup for breakfast at office..

next time, i'll make sure the soup is ready and left to stew overnight. bila pagi senang je la kalu nk campak2 main ingredients.

hmm :)

i'm learning to manage my home management just like mak used to do before when she was still working.

sebelum tido mesti dia dah siapkan the ingredients dulu: kuah nasi lemak, kuah kacang nasi kapit, pes nasi goreng etc bangun pagi before mandi, tanak nasi lemak, goreng mi dll~

once ida or kakjie dah siap for school, we'll take over to prepare the sidelines: keropok, potong nasi kapit etc

sigh, i really love being domesticated at home no.7 :) moreover, it saves the budget for food tremendously.

do compare:

homemade brunch -> kuetiaw soup:

quarter of kuetiaw ~ 25 sen

quarter of sup siam adabi paste ~ 20 sen

few dried taufu ~ 10 sen

sawi leaves ~ 10 sen

bits of dried prawns ~ 5 sen

an egg ~ 30 sen

2pcs of chilli ~ 5 sen

total cost ~ RM 1.05

compared to nasi lemak or nasi goreng bought at the cafe, i might have to fork out RM 2 perday, just for breakfast.

so there, i think home cooking is essential and budget saving. i might have to plan the menu ahead, though. otherwise, i might be bored having to prepare the similar menus everyday. variety does work wonders :)

here are the summary points:

1. plan the menu ahead. variety is important!
2. stock up the fridge with essential ingredients, almost like a wish list, if i may say so:
   • chicken bits
   • daging kisar
   • bawang kisar
   • cili
   • pes sup
   • sayur hijau
   • cili kisar
   • mi/ bihun/ kuetiaw
   • udang/ sotong
   • garlic butter
   • peanut butter
   • anchovies
   • spaggetti sauce
   • mushroom
   • garam/ gula/ kiub ayam
3. prepare the important ingredients overnight
4. get the tupperware clean & ready overnight
5. wake up early! 7.25 is the latest time i have to leave home no.7  >:(

i think those are the notes i have to execute shall i wish for myself to be fully organized. after all, the OCD people do have their life planned to the miniscule details, right?

oohh.. i love cooking!

things to buy for home no.7 once the honorarium clears :)

call me anything you like, but i AM undeniably motherish when it comes to dote on my home no.7 :)

here's my wish list for home no.7  v(^o^)v

1. microwave (cost ~ RM 900)
2. one lounge chaise chair with small coffee table (~ RM 50) for the balcony
3. vacuum cleaner (~ RM 200) this one already got, cost me RM 130
4. queen mattress for mom&dad's room (~ RM 250) this one already got last week, cost me RM 288
5. complete spoon sets (~ RM 20) already got, though not bought in sets. cost me RM 25
6. two genuine queen comforter sets (~ RM 200) already got for ~ RM 100. nomore please. not this year, by any rate. nomore appropriate storing space :(
7. six japanese table cushions (~ RM 60)
8. plush tv carpet (~ RM 80)
9. double decker beds for guest room (~ RM 300)
10. two bags' tree stands, one for me, one for mom&dad's (~ RM90)
11. newspaper basket (~ RM15) already got for a sensible RM6. now already overflowing.
12. 24pc food canister sets (~ RM15) already gotten 2 sets for RM 30. i'm greedy, thankyouverymuch
13. massage chair for dad (~ RM 5,000)

i think, it's enough for now.. nanti kalau ada idea, ida tambah lagi, hihihi :)

perhaps by putting it in words, immortalise it in some way or another, the impulses, the crazy impulses, will be able to be controlled with flourish. successfully.

em, i'm going to continue with other wish lists :)

unwell still~

last night fetch kak and abang azuan from putrajaya sentral. lambat sikit turun dari home no.7 pasal kemaskan bilik mom&dad for them. i've been browsing furniture shops in order to find good bargain for queen mattress. mom had hinted that she would appreciate it much should i be able to equip the room with a comfortable mattress at least. but last night, kak and her husband had to settle for tripple layered toto only. tengoklah ek.. next time datang home no.7, insya allah lagi selesa.

i've been planning to add more essential stuffs. check out a new blog thread soon: wish lists. comprised of so many things i wish to acquire in the future, near or distant. at least, i'll have a direction in my next shopping sprees :)

anyway, back to last night. just before i went to fetch them, i cooked some rice. perhaps they'd wish for dinner. after fetching the happy couple, we stopped by nazmaju. buying a few dishes apt to serve for married couple, we went home.

i knew that kak was brimming with astonishment at how different home no.7 had transformed into. she's a tad bit too polite to voice it out. when abang azuan praised that the house was commendably spacious, then only she joined in expressing her impressed sentiments.

when i showed her into mom&dad's room instead of the guest room, she couldn't help but openly expressed her admiration, albeit in snickering pout.. "ai.. bilik mak pun ade?"

to which i replied, "she comes here at monthly basis..". with the love notes mak left pasted on the fridge door, i think, she got the drift. mak loves being at home no.7 as much as i do...

later on, we settled for a picnic dinner in front of the tv. the japanese table was still in a mess and not properly cleared to enable a comfortable dining. you know what, i think nazmaju's lamb curry is a dish in its own level. incomparable.

and i noticed that kak tend to finish all the leftovers. weird, huh? hopefully she'll strife to maintain her slim body even though she's now happily married.

i later on retired to my room. after all, i needed my sleep to recuperate from the lingering dizzy spells. just before sleep conquered, i heard them giggling at the loud snore of my neighbour, quizzing each other on the causes. oh, well.. what do u expect of married doctors, right? :)

i'm happy for her, you know. i really do. really hope that her happiness shines longer~

this morning i woke up with the remnants of giddiness. it was faint but persistent. yet, i fought it to arrive at office at the designated hours. only to beg for excuse later, in order to send kak and abang azuan to lcct by 830.

en route, kak gave me RM15 for the oil expenses and another RM50 for the kenduri, she said.

...

hati dah berparut, kak. biarlah. cukuplah. usah buka kembali cerita dulu, kan...

know what, i AM a manja person. no matter how brave, how defiant i am most of the time, the integral part of me is still soft-hearted. childlike and delicate.

kekecewaan yg ada dipujuk utk diam tapi tersimpan jauh di dalam. kata orang, makan dalam. tak lelah untuk berbakti, tapi pantang diambil tak peduli, taken for granted.

after dropping them off for a 4-day trip to bali, i went home to have my breakfast as prepared by kak. thanks for breakfast, kak... except that i think i am a much more palatable cook sometimes :)

in truth, i went home in a melancholic state. fried an egg with anchovies to have a much endurable nasi goreng, i spent scant 5 minutes to watch martha stewart whilst finishing the meal.

rasa sayu. sedih. seorang. the dizziness still persisted, i felt like sleeping it off but i doubt that would solve any problem. in fact, it would likely incur the disgruntled feelings of my new SUB :{

thus, i trudged back to office..

one spot remained bright in my horizon for today. mah is going to have her bowling activities at alamanda this evening. at least, i'll be able to see someone i really care about when i finish my office hours....

sadly, these days, being alone and sick, it's no longer a pleasant feeling. before, i could handle it just fine. normally, with Abang distant, rajuk dia masih tak abis lagi :{ ,  i'd carry on just fine. but, when i was unwell... terasa jurang yang ada semakin jelas dan tak mampu disangkal lagi.

funny huh?

damn funny.

oh, well...

long break due to giddiness attack~

i took a cuti rehat on friday last week. a need to have a break and pamper myself after breaking down on wednesday. i felt a lot better, thank you.

i had my gym session for almost 2 hours on friday morning after a movie date with minkus the night before. the strenuous gym didn't make up for the 3 months lost. but i hope i'll put extra commitment once i settled down here. i noticed that the lack of physical activities do have a toll on me emotionally and physically. i found myself better focused and with a much optimum usage of free time when i dedicated myself into the physical training.

like fiqa once said, the location will matter one day. it did when i was busy with moving into home no.7 and the new office. i let the teeny matter alongside my burst budget to dictate my commitment in having a better, healthier lifestyles. which is rather nonsensical to linger now that i've more or less, settled in both places: home no.7 is homely; and room no.7 is peaceful like a jasmine green tea.

yup. i'll dedicate myself to eradicate the laziness, once and for all :)

talking about jasmine green tea, i'm adjusting my preference from 5-in-1 caffeine cup to a delightful, aromatic jasmine green tea. the concoction has the ability of calming me down from emotional tirade, or rejuvenating me off a lifeless form after a hard day's work. rather eco-friendly herbalist single woman :) of course, i still have my koffee when i felt sleepy. i just hope i can reduce the intake though :) funny huh? from being a coffee person, TCRS hot green tea has the ability to reform me.

back to the long break issue. i had a cuti rehat on friday, only to come to office on the saturday morning to attend e-susun training session. i like the application, it brought out my special abilities in being able to be a technical and a logical person simultaneously. whereas others failed to grasp the algorithm and translate them into a much practical sense, i aced it :) <- unsur bangga sama pencapaian diri sendiri (^^,)t

then on sunday morning till afternoon, we have karnival sukan BAKA. waaa!!! sangat seronok bila saya dapat bermain futsal dan badminton. yup, i let go 3 goals in two consecutive games. and i flunked at a single set badminton for mixed double. yang best: i had the opportunity to participate. masa kat BIUPA, i wasn't so fortunate. cuma mampu tengok gambar diorang bergumbira di PD saje :(

as for now, i'm feeling happier. like a jolt that i'm letting go of my past to embrace my present and future. kata orang, barang yang lepas jangan dikenang. kalau dikenang, luka lama berdarah kembali.

how true, kan?

i had a peaceful dinner at home after the sports activity. an early night after that. only to wake up with spinning head and sore body muscles. the sleep wasn't too peaceful either. i was plagued with the nightmare of mom gone permanently from my life. it was such an unbelievable notion that i couldn't grasp the fact at all. rasa resah menghantui diri, tak percaya, tak dapat menerima andai ia berlaku. she's such an integral part of my life.............

even now, the very idea of it, disturb me senselessly into a headache and unnecessary blood pressure elevation.

i tried sleeping it off a couple of times but it was hard. even sleeping hurts my head. dizzy and nauseous. rasa helpless. macam bayi saje. time tu terasa nk call minkus, mah or ayin to come. even mak, if she could manage it. but, ditelankan saje rasa melankolik dan tak berdaya itu. smsed my boss to inform him that i couldn't come to the office. sent sms to kak and mak yah to ask for pointers in keeping the sickness away. kak advised me to get a panadol and sleep it off. mak yah said it was tension headache. the base of my neck throbbed like hell. soon as the panadol effects kicked in, i started to vomit every 5 minutes. lastly, i managed to sleep in front of the toilet hall to avoid any unnecessary projectile liquid spill. tupun after cleaning my own projectile spills that didn't have the luck of reaching the toilet bowl. yup. the pitfall of living alone is that u have to clean up yr own mess even though you are as weak as a kitten, i grinned to myself in delirium.

i was weak like a wee kitten :(

by afternoon, i felt a much or less the same, except that the dizziness spell had ceased tumbling my vision. had another shower before going out. first stop was carrefour. if this is tension headache, a retail theraphy will work wonders.

as limited budget persisted, i just managed a 10-minutes linger on the massage chair. i gave away my astro Dunkin Donut voucher to that nice kid who seem kind enough to keep me company. terasa rindu kepada adik2 di kampung terubat sikit bila borak dengan adik tu... besides, i could make do without the 2-pieces heavenly donuts.

next, i went to visit mak yah at her clinic. blood pressure was normal except i noticed some minimal drop. and i was mildly surprised with the figures on the weight scale. huhuhu... it's time i seriously need to hit the gym, fellas!

then i went to mak yah's home to have lunch with her. emmmmmmm... there's an observation made. how married couples change as they progressed further into their lives. it saddened me deep. because i watched their affection in each other dwindled in such an alarming state...

the professional females in my family are rather unforgivingly unrelenting lot. :(

all in all, it was again a long break. supposed today i have another day off. yet i felt maudlin' and wasted should i stay at home, awaiting kak and abg azuan's arrival tonight. so i went off to work again. bouts of dizziness still linger. yet, i'm tiding things through.

hmmm, i got to settle the payment for that red songket for majlis angkat sumpah ahli jemaah menteri. catch u later :)

lagu baru~

Sampai Syurga - Faizal Tahir

Kumembenarkan jiwaku

Tuk mencintaimu

Kupersembahkan hidupku

Tuk bersama kamu

Dan diriku untuk kamu

Belum pernah kumerasai begitu

Semua itu telah berlalu

Harapanku palsu

Dan mungkin hari yang satu

Terus ku tertunggu

Di hatiku masih kamu

Belum pernah ku ingin terus memburu

Aku lemah tanpa kamu

Ku inginmu dampingi ku

Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik

Tuk dirimu

Namun aku tetap aku

Yang terbaik tuk diriku

Hanya satu

Hanya kamu

Kumembiarkan hatiku

Tuk merinduimu

Kumenghamparkan sakitku

Tuk tatapan kamu

Bersamamu harapanku

Hilang dalam terang yang membutakanku

Aku lemah tanpa kamu

Ku inginmu dampingi ku

Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik

Tuk dirimu

Sampai syurga kumenunggu

Sampai syurga kucintamu

Hanya kamu

Dan segala yang ku ada

Kuberikan semua

Untuk dirimu saja

Ku mahu dirimu

Bahagia tuk selamanya

Biar sampai syurga

Aku menunggu cinta darimu

Agar ku sempurna

Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik

Tuk dirimu

Namun aku tetap aku

Yang terbaik tuk diriku

Hanya satu

Aku lemah tanpa kamu

Ku inginmu dampingi ku

Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik

Tuk dirimu

Sampai syurga kumenunggu

Sampai syurga kucintamu

Hanya kamu

lagu hati di hari kasih sayang~

HANYA MILIKMU - Anuar Zain

Aku tak salahkan hatimu
Bila harap itu tak ada
Tak relakan bila terjadi
Hanya waktu yang tentukan
Ku ingin kuatkan hatimu (setiamu)
Yakin ku hanyalah milikmu
Besar cintaku tak berubah..
Walau kini rasa itu luluhkan hatimu

Chorus:
Ku hanya milikmu
Coba kau rasa yakinnya hatiku
meskipun kau tinggalkan,
Masih ku milikmu
Mengertikah bila cinta ini
Tak akan pernah sedikitpun pudar
selain ‘tuk mu (untukmu)

Ku harapkan hanya padamu
Ketulusan ini nanti kan ku jalani
Tetap ku milikmu
Mengertikah bila cinta ini
Memang tak pernah sedikitpun pudar
selain untukmu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9FVIffKXfs

-> lagu yang menjadi peneman saban hari, kala petang menghadapi kerja2 yang menekan, di ambang pagi bila imsonia menjelma...

how the song aptly interprets the lone heart~

miserable

to the lowest pit.

squashed.

.

felt like dripping into nothingness, menghilangkan diri. vanish into the thin air. alone.

maybe after this i'll feel much better. i need to keep my head above me. being around people who are used to be in the pressurised environment, kiss-@$$ing know-it-all golden boy and uptight prune, i won't back down.

people say, it's a measure of yourself when you don't quit when tested. when bested.

i know that sooner or later the dam will break. but i'll be damned if i let anyone cower me into the corner.

always defiant even though i'm on the losing end.

i need to feel useful. to feel better about myself and do something good~

today i received a letter.

Cik Shahidah binti Sulong, PTD Gred M41 dari Bahagian Kabinet, Perlembagaan & Perhubungan Antara Kerajaan, Jabatan Perdana Menteri ditukarkan ke Bahagian dan Jabatan yang sama, PTD Gred M41 (KUP).

Reading this, I felt such hatred. HATE.

Dear god,

grant me the strength... andai di sini bukan laluannya, biarlah berlapang dadaku untuk pergi-

me the green corn

huhu... today i felt like a green corn yang amat. not a green horn, mind you, but a putik jagung yang sangat la putik.

:(

rasa humbled and embarrassed. yang lagi best, the fellow i helped to the minutest detail, did me a favour, they wrote a tad bit unfavourable comment on my service.

deng!

shilake sungguh, pardon my emotional expression there. rasa nk menangis pun ada. tapi, ida tahankan je. i know that i'm going to need just the adequate training to master everything. just because i am a sterling officer at my place, it doesn't mean i can jet off excellently in a small amount of time without adequate training, kan?

this is SO a wake up call. malu sangat. my ego took a beating, because i know i am shamefully tardy. ditambah dengan lewat 5 minit because of Jfj's cranky problems this morning, terasa sangat-sangat...

apapun, on a much brighter note, i've excelled in completing verbatim in a much better time. perhaps because these CSoM converse wonderfully in English, i finished the 18.01 verbatim in a mere 3 and half hours' time. compared to previous MJM verbatim that took 6 straight hours last week, i felt much better today. (^^,)t

dearest,

have courage. you have the opportunity to tap on the brightest minds of policy-makers and political masters. enjoy and flourish, Miss Shahidah binti Sulong!

huhu.. now i felt like a Tom Marvolo Riddle plak :)

the call last night

i wonder, the category is named current affairs; does it propose me, in other possible interpretations, to have multiple relationships?

do i want multiple relationships? polygamous, am i ever?

think of that. ponder on that. and i quirked my little smile.

polygamous indeed ;)

last night, after a very testy day, i settled down weary on the sofa, unable to whisk any dinner, let alone conjure up any strength to sort my things from the old office. suddenly the phone roared. i thought it was mom.

except MJr's name flashed. i snorted in surprise. it seems a while since the man chose to drop by and amuse me with his constant prodding.

i was weary but a delightful company would always be a welcomed distraction.

his opening, as usual, my marital status. it was the usual tact, that i couldn't help feeling natural with the jovial jabs. i felt sobered. hopeful but not naively hopeful of my marital aspiration. kind of settling into a routine that i know.

in other matters that we shared, he seem concerned with my bloomed condition, advising me against late dinner, tardiness in exercising etc. i was amused. truly amused. he was so sweet, don't you agree? i could feel my lips twitching in helpless mirth. he always cares about those little things. will he still care if i become heavy and wilted, in my old age? or shall his affection go astray?

after full 8 minutes, we hung up. and i wondered in the shadowy living room. dreadfully missing someone else.

life has taken too many surprising turns. and in my life, when i become too keen on someone wonderful, God sends me doubts in form of this similar vein.

someone wonderful too. a friend who cares.

it is not MJr who particularly made me thinking this soberly long. it could be anyone else of the same nature. but most of the time, he got the courtesy. countless of times.

when i really yearn for someone, God advises me against yearning too much by sending such distraction.

except that such distraction made me yearn even more for Abang~

God, how i yearn...

lebih banyak masa

kata orang, penawar bagimu, mungkin racun bagi orang lain~

hmmm... sementara menunggu klien membetulkan kerja sekolah diorang yang salahnya banyak amat, hati terfikir, banyaknya masa lapang.

come to the evening, bila masa dah suntuk tu, mula la ke hidung byknya kerja yg tak settle lagi.

frust pulak bila mengenangkan klien-klienku dan bos-bos diorang yg main sign je tanpa semak dulu dokumen2 kerja sekolah diorang ni :bengang:

em,

hari ni lewat 29 minit. nasib. lain kali tak bleh stay back lagi la kat BIUPA. hopefully last night is the last. tak mampu la. balik dah pukul berapa.. perut berkeroncong, telan dua keping roti bakar dan milo panas... last2 tido by 230 or so. terjaga awal pun masih weng, sambung tido until 745.

huhu...

from today, berazam nk pastikan segalanya sempurna on the weekend. baju & tudung kena all prepared and planned. masa yang lapang digunakan sebaiknya~

cakap pasal planning, malam ni nk masak apa ya? :)

A long CNY break :)

Indeed. Such a long 4-day break that I had ever for myself, free of deadlines and personal responsibilities. Apart from a night of CJ7 with Mat, and later, a late supper joined by Minkus; I was basically alone by myself. I did some home rearrangement, cleaning up, cooking, reading storybooks, daytime nap and tv-watching. It was indeed nothing that I have had for such a long time. I have ample lone time only for myself.

Peace.

Except for the guy next door who can’t help himself from snoring the whole floor off J 

After languidly enjoying the 3 days break, only tonight I got the heart to open up the notebook to jot something. Such a shame that I have to return the maxis broadband to encik meor L otherwise, I could hook up much earlier, kan? However, we won’t miss something that isn’t ours, dear.

Talking about missing, I think you know who I miss dreadfully too much as I spent some time alone… except that in the light of K’s engagement, I was backed into the corner to examine my own true feelings. Some would say I have commitment issues, misplaced obstinacy and tenacity that simply won’t take bludgeon into reason, once I made the decision. And suddenly, once I decided to let go, the obsession became a fleck of past, as if of no worth.

Last night, I dreamt of MJr asking my mother for my hand in marriage. Waking up, I wondered, why? Why him? Why the dream? I need not think much why she refused. I wonder instead, why isn’t it Abang who appears?

I know that optimism is my middle name. My inborn nature. Yet, when it comes to romantic relationship, I failed to bolster the same spirit. Because I know I don’t have any control over someone’s heart.

Try as I might, no matter how forlorn, how lovesick, years and years, I just failed. Bit by bit, my optimism got trampled by my heartbreak. And lately, I learnt to grasp the meaning of humiliation.

To lose your heart to someone who doesn’t return the similar courtesy, again and again, it sort of sober you up by the time you start watching the biological clock, right?

I’m done being a lovesick fool. This Valentine, even though I wish so much that this year, it shall be mine, I leave it to Abang to decide. I know that endearments, they don’t need any specific day to be shared, yet, we mortals, do need a special date to remember them by. So that, by 25 years from now, I could share the memory with our children and still feel the optimism for another 25 years more with him.

Only with him.

Dear God,

Let him love me too. Let him be the wonderful man I know he is. And let him love me.

With that fervent wish shared, I think I’m going to spend tomorrow much fruitfully. Dancing in private, that will be fun J 

Perhaps I haven’t told you, sensual is one of my other middle names too (^^,)t

doakan yang terbaik~

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macam susah je nak terkeluar rasa hati sebenar.

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just got to know that mr Shafiq is now officially engaged.

Karina is now alone still. camne nk cakap, ek? camne? camne?

do i have the remnants of feelings left, still? badan terus serasa sejuk. hati berhenti berdegup sesaat. terimbas kembali apa yang dah berlaku dahulu. it seem so long ago. so long. i'd caused the break-up, yet, it was not even meant to be between the two of us. and he's found someone else he found worthy of his name.

buatkan ida terfikir situasi sekarang. the similarity that echoed, hurt me dreadfully. rasa bersalah. rasa bodoh. rasa lemah.

andainya tiada kisah panjang yang akhirnya komitmen utuh bersama Abang, i don't think it won't cure me off romantical inclinations. rasa pesimis menghantui... i don't think i could handle loving anyone anymore after this, not after having to endure the pain of guilt and to be subjected as a witness to his happiness.

pada saat ni, sukar untuk jujur dan optimis. ida cuba untuk pujuk hati sendiri. dan ida doakan agar K bahagia jua dengan insan tersayang

in total honesty, i've relinquished the hopes of me and K. there is nothing to be hoped anymore. his hurt is so deep that we even couldn't settle for mutual friendship status. 

and i couldn't help being afraid of what will happen between me and Abang...

if i am ordained to be lost and alone all my life, then, let's pray that there won't be anymore hurt.

doakanlah yang terbaik...

Dearest K,

congrats. i only have good prayers for your happiness~

in remembrance of the night one year ago~

last night marked the first anniversary of our first dinner together... on the 4th feb night, as i was having dinner, i thought of reminding Abang about it. that maybe if we can find the time, perhaps another dinner can be arranged... yet, i quieted the impulse.

sepanjang hari semalam teringatkan... and when it was night, dalam kebahagiaan melayan ibu dan adik2, it slipped my mind to sms him.

so here, this morning, i wish that there will be many more nights, each special in their own way, meaningful and blissful, in our future together.

sayang Abang.

today at a new place - room no.7

ha! other than having home no.7, now i have room no.7! actually, my room at this new place, it is called consultation room number 7. i call it, room no.7 (^^,)t

there are 2 pcs- one to type and check client's papers, one for surfing, ptdportal-ing and blogging :) and there is this cool sony hi-fi where i can listen to radio whilst working! how cooler can it be? i like! :)

apapun, i'm adjusting to the life of a senior psu ( there is only 2 m44s here, me and che man ), yet, i'm the most junior....

hari ni, belajar menaip verbatim. given me and the OCD impulses, the 12.08 verbatim took me 6 hours to finish. tu pun tak as thorough as i hoped them be. masih belum perfect :(

will improve soon, and quick!!! perhaps, my sharpness and meticulousness suffer when i noticed everybody had finished hours earlier than me :(

anyway, i whiled away the drone of the lot's voices by daydreaming of Abang. hmm, it's peculiar when i could concentrate on something important whilst my sub-conscious mind traipsed gaily somewhere else..

*blushblush

hmmm.. mana nk put gambar Abang, ek? there is a miniscule probability that he's going to drop by. so, i think, people won't recognise him and speculate much. i'm looking for some place out of anyone else's view. hmmmm...

lately, rasa sayang tu macam semakin nyata. tetiba je, terdetik rasa rindu, terasa hati berbisik, i love Abang. di setiap masa yang tak terjangka. di luar kawalan.

kenapa ya?

restless nights of late

it's been few nights where i lain, sleepless. waking up from dreamless sleep, anxiety-driven but oblivious to the reasons.

last night was of no exception. it was far more lonelier than the nights before. perhaps because i was alone at home no.7, sleeping in my room.

and i couldn't help but thinking of that one person. i remembered his rebuff of me at the grounds of Istana Negara, in front of his frens. i could still see him looking at me from afar afterwards. saying things with a glance that i could not yet decipher. remembering we part with such hurt... without goodbye. just a farewell note i shortly composed, left on his cold chaotic table, in his paraphernalia-loaded room.

i wish i could talk to him, confide and share what is happening nowadays. the darkness engulfed me into sleep again, thinking of Abang and how hopeless i was into thinking he could tolerate me in the dead of the night. like any other romantic partner would do. which he isn't one. a romantic partner, that is.

he's not. no matter how mcdreamy i wish he could perpetually be, he's still a burke. and i, the meredith grey who got no freakin' clue as to how to move on in new waters. sometimes, i wish we give ourselves that chance to speak and communicate with each other.

the casual, comfortable way we shared short conversation on dinners. no matter how brief, i know that for a moment, he cared enough to indulge in small talk. it assuages my loneliness of having to share my home-cooked dinner alone.

perhaps Abang was uneasy when i confided that i missed him. perhaps that is a terrible emotion to feel towards him, perhaps.

remember the song "perhaps, perhaps, perhaps"? i sort of hearing it play in the background~

right now, i'm clearing up my former desks. too many junks, too many history, too many stories. i'm glad i've been able to touch and improve the lives of my fellow subordinates. since i came here, we've our share of new comfortable resting places, a new tv, couple of additional office equipments and i like to think, a credible, flawless letter writing. so, i hope i'm leaving a legacy here, besides a messy workstation :p

i wish i have someone i could talk to without him/ her worrying over me. that it's ok to be anxious. it's normal to have doubts and self-deprecation at times like this.

but i just need him/ her to listen. then after that, i'll sort my things out myself. i need someone to listen. that's all. to share. if not all.

a life as an m44. after this, each and every one of us will be of equal standing. nomore senior or junior. those who work hard and true, will persevere.

maybe Abang was right that i AM ambitious. as i confided earlier, i AM optimist. if all else fail, i'll work harder on things that i know i'm good at. and my job, i am good at it.

last thursday, my tomorrow-to-be HR SUB Puan Farah put forth a prediction. befitting my status as a high flyer, perhaps one day i'd end up as a KSU. which i joked good-naturedly: "KSU? and there i thought i'd just end up only as a mere KSN?!"

we laughed. i remembered putting that on my Parliamentary Debate leaflet details back in INTAN. it was just a wisp of optimism then.

now? at the rate i'm pushing, well, who knows where i might end up, kan?

i just wish i have my loving family to share the true content with~ KSN or no KSN.

family is where the home really is, Abang.

izinkan ku pergi - the story

yesterday marked my last official duty at a former working place. frankly, i'd say i was melancholic in a bit, but determined to put a brave front. after all, it befits my much matured, embittered self to have a dignified transition.

teringat sajak puitis ayah era, Selamat Tinggal. Maybe he wrote it in view of his retirement. yet i took it deep in heart, as i faced this transfer.

in truth, i was hurt by the reactions of those i left. except for kak lin and nora who echoed my sense of loss, the others have their way of coping with this new transition.

Abang, well, he's another different story. at this moment, when i needed his support, he'd done something i found it hard to appreciate. he blamed me for this, in name of my ambitious streak.

i won't defend myself. it's his way of coping, i guess.

i just wish he'd hugged me instead.

to be in the rough waters again, all alone. but i won't lose my heart. i'll make changes, good changes.

despite all, i still deeply love those i left.