Shah's thoughts

Lagu tema~ Izinkan ku pergi by Kaer

Sinaran mata
Cerita segalanya
Duka lara terpendam
Memori semalam

Tinggal segala cinta
Tiada kembalinya
Abadi kasih kita
Kau bawa bersama

Mimpi indah mekar
Saat cinta bersemi
Sedetik asmara syurga
Selamanya

(Korus)
Pergilah rinduku
Hilangkan dirimu
Tak sanggup menanggung
Derita di kalbuku

Pergilah sayangku
Bermula semula
Semangat cintaku
Membara kerana dia
Tiada niatku

Tersemat di jiwa
Setia bersamanya
Cinta murni berdua
Beribu tahunnya

Mimpi indah mekar
Saat cinta bersemi
Sedetik asmara syurga
Selamanya
(Ulang korus)

Pergilah sayangku
Bermula semula
Semangat cintaku
Membara kerana dia
Tiada niatku

Maafkan aku duhai kasih
Izinkan ku pergi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7-El1U1WCA

ikea graces home no.7~

in spirit of preparing for her first homewarming party scheduled soon in february, home no.7 shelters newcomers from ikea mutiara damansara.

u know, here's a new equation:

ikea + home no.7 = CC that rips!

joined with abang E and dkin, the infamous connoiseurs regarding this matter, i ended up ripping my Visa. and i still haven't got that wonderful coffee table worth RM 185. simply because there's no room to maneuver within jef.

terpaksalah melawat ikea di bulan hadapan, eh?

all in all, kesimpulannya:

ikea + shahidah = puas hati :)

zombie kampung pisang? - courtesy of nolee's banji

-THE POST WAS DELETED DUE TO ITS SENSITIVE CONTENTS-

Congrats to shaffiah n khairuddin

i opened my email account this evening and found the note from sha:

her wedding pix are ready!

teringat kawan baik yg jauh di penang sana. she moved back to penang and i totally forgot about that. frens come and go, i thought a lot about them when i have some sentimental break. but, for the love of me, i failed to reach out and truly embrace them close. hanya doa sahaja yg mampu dipanjatkan buat mereka yang tersayang... kenangan yang ada, masih utuh dan takkan luntur

sha n din,

congrats on yr wedding... hope it will be a start of a much happier time for you both~

sha looks wonderfully jubilant. beautiful~

as for now, we'll have ce'dee's weddings to look forward to. me?

:p

lagu di dinihari

malam ini nampaknya ida ditemani lagu-lagu yang membuai rasa yang amat.

our Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDsAjVN1xuw

abaikan MJ dan kisah hidupnya, if u want. to me, emosi dan natijah lagu ini amat sesuai kalau dinyanyikan orang tersayang istimewa untuk diri ini.

except that, the beloved person has done a jenny on me:

she calls me baby, then she won't call me...

waaahhh.. sesuai sungguh, kan. satu perumpamaan baru, huhu..

a jenny. maksudnya: buat orang tu jatuh sayang, pastu next time, bila jumpa buat-buat tak kenal.

sesuai sangat :)

Lagu hati ketika ini~

dah lama tak dengar lagu ni, dalam fokus gila-gila nk settlekan keje, lagu ni bergema..

that's when i love u by aslyn~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BaCaqojopg

Abang yang nun bertugas di Sabah sana, moga bahagia selalu hendaknya.

kata orang, kalau di sana diam membisu tanpa apa2 kata, paham-paham je la apa makna tersiratnya.

doa ida, andai Abang bukan buat ida, then, let me shake every memory of us off. let me walk away free.

tapi buat masa ni, masih...

dan lagu ni, lagu ni macam beri penjelasan, beri kesabaran utk msih bertahan.

hmmm,

lucky me.

the door won't budge!

in relationships, often we find time of adjustment a bit unbearable.

me and home no. 7 is of no exception.

the day before, mom n dad's door refused to budge open. arggghhhh.. with almost all my baju kurungs, tudungs and iron inside, i am now using anything available at the ampaian. ironless.

bila balik umah, rasa frust gila. try the knob, useless. try external force, also can't. i haven't mastered the art of picking up the lock, so no, i cannot get m & d's door to open.

anyone can find me a Superman? i need his brute strength to open this so stubborn fella!

of course, there is the alternative of calling the developer's maintainance men, but they are only available during working hours and u know me, i clock extra working hours, beyond theirs.

semalam terfikir macam best je kalu ada maid aka bibik kat umah kan? main order je nk makan apa, balik pick up je. umah kemas, bersih, balik umah pun ada teman bercakap dan bercerita. ehhh.. macam pernah berlaku saja perkara sebegini, hihihihi.. ayin, mah, minkus, korang mesti rasa perkara sebegini penah berlaku kat korang kan? huhu!

pastu terfikir gak, teringat citer jepun pasal sorang working woman yang memelihara seorang lelaki yg amnesiac dengan syarat that guy berlakon jadi lapdog dia sebagai ganti dia izinkan lelaki tu duduk dengan dia. i know, citer ni macam ridiculous.. tapi bila fikir2 balik, fantasi begitu macam best pulak time2 penat berfikir ni.

best kan, kalu kita dapat apa yg kita harap, sebaik-baiknya?

and yes,

home no.7, kindly persuade m&d's door to open, please!

perancangan belanjawan

terbaca post fadhbest on duwit...duwit. hmmm...

i think by now, korang dah tau yg ida boros kan? gagal sikit dalam perancangan kewangan. buktinya, last month ida abiskan 8k dengan mudah. tak sampai sebulan pun. mudah saja, macam makan megi lima minit.

mula2 settle-kan legal fees utk home 3point3. then, beli fridge yg besar bagak. pastu beli washing machine yg fully auto 7 kg. then settle-kan upgred enjin jef, tukar kasut dia, rawat luka dia dsb

pendek kata, abis mudah dipuput angin...

these times of emergency, i must observe my finances frugally. but, whenever i think of home no. 7, mula la berangan macam2 utk make her better. Lovely Scent, ikea, carrefour, giant, furniture showrooms = traps.

i'm officially D.E.A.D. :)

sentimental thoughts

Terengganu poetry: Baliklah Wok...

Sayup mengelor anok dok balik
Menyembah sujud pada Mung
Seakang zaman doktong sudah sapok
Seakan zaman gelekek habih doh

Mung duk jauh Mok panggil dekat
Mung duk dekat Mok panggil rapat
Mung duk rapatt Mok sendal
Takmboh bui gogeh

Renungan si Ibu terandeng jauh
Seakang mengelor anok manih
Yang hatinya gelebek sumbing
Ingat air mata yang luroh berjelabok berlembang di lambor
Seakang noknya anok tembor berdecung dari Kuala Lumpor
Biar cokkoh depang mata

Biarlah mung dulu suka mengakas
Sedor sedor le ni senyap tuppas
Sampai gitu mbas menengung

Mok tunggu mu balik raya kappong
Mok tunggu mu jadi bejuruh jangan jadi cakduh
Mok doa' biar jadi manih dok kelat sebbat
Mok doa' lagi hari raya, biar tenang jangan kelecat barat

Rok jelibung mok tebah buat jalang
Takut mung kena pakoh pinggat lari meletang kalang
Nok tengoknya ke mung
Memang dok dang dang
Nok ramah jari mung anok ku anok kesayangan

Hari Raya andainya buleh aku kelor mung
Takut nak jeruwoh takut mung belohok
Bukang mok nak kereta tolok, bukang mok mitok mah setokol
Mok tahu mung makang burger, hotdog
Dulu mu berahi jering, gemo kuih badok
Mok cuba kelor lagi neh

Baliklah Wok baliklah
Hari raya dok baik bekok
Mok terima mung sayang
Salahnya cuma silap belaga buah getoh
Silap sikitnya rebus ubi kayu dok rebus ubi torok
Adik Adik mu tu nye je mung jadi bekok

Hari raya ning baliklah Wok
Mok sorang berlagu pilu sedih
Ayoh mu gi dok royat nok mati
Rasa nok gelekek tadok tepat geli
Raya sama mung dok tau tepat nok gi

Baliklah Wok
Anak anak ku
Kalau mu kenang duana mung tubek
Kalau mu kenang sapa beso ke mung
Kalau mu kenang sapa dia jaga mung jok kecik
Kalau mu kenang macang mana mung boleh baca nulih

Pagi raya ning mung ada cokoh dirumah
Pagi raya ning mung buat air dappor
Pagi raya ning ciung tangang orang tua
Pagi raya ning mitok maaf dengan mok
Pagi raya ning mok dok pernoh berniat nok kehel mung
Hari raya hari berkeluarga, cenderhati termahal
Hadiah paling comel, hamper paling beso
Hari raya, mung semualah paling beso
Anok beranok, warih waroh

-> i'm surfing for persona pix and found gems of blog-writings in the process. if i have ample time, i'll visit awang goneng ( the now famous Growing Up in Terengganu author) and his wife ( kak teh )again.

just for sentimental purpose. recapturing moments of past and glimpsing into other good people's views in life..

it's a sad thing when during the course of time, i shed off my terengganu roots so easily, embracing the anonymous culture that is malaysia. perhaps i should cakkak teganu more after this, eh?

don't get me wrong, i am patriotic. i love my state. i love our present King. more so because His Majesty is the King from Terengganu, my Terengganu. hmmm... perhaps that explain why i dreamed of His Majesty twice, already?

:)

tall dreams again, miss Shahidah.

pagi bersama persona

pagi ni siapkan breakfast utk ojie n nora yg singgah mandi kat rumah.. hmm, mah n her fren, wani pun ada sama.. rasa macam suri rumah plak.. sekadar masak apa yg ada secara slapdash: kuewtiaw pedas dan mi goreng peanut butter. nasib baik ada chicken fingers. boleh la jadi peneman rasa. bolehlah, kan?

afterwards, pegi ofis with detour to proton showroom at presint 8. the girls kepingin utk intel saga baru.. ida sekadar belek. nampak impressive la jugak. berkenan tengok audio system dia, not bad la compared to persona.

thinking about persona, i slipped into it, just for a feel. and suddenly rasa macam.......

it's nice. affordable and sleekly stylish enough for me. myvi is nice, but persona is nicer even though 10k costlier.

now u guys know my taste, kan? :)

i have less qualms about the costs nowadays. pasal rasa kerja macam dah penat sangat, i should have the basic necessities yg selesa dan affordable.

digging into savings that are so puny, i thought that i want to entertain the fantasy of having persona.

it is an achievable fantasy these days. just waiting for family n frens to give their comments on persona before i seriously pursue that fantasy.

i think i want persona.

nora's fave color. available only as in h-line. and i am prepared to.... fufu! :)

rather a sedate, no-nonsense first expression, don't u think?

sleek @$$, huh?

it's a bit yucky, the audio system. the rest, okay by me, at this moment.

i'm romancing the persona, i really AM!

fine by me, heh! v(^^,)v

late night RV with minkus~

semalam i got a night off, if u can call it that. by 11pm, arrived at minkus' home in PBD.

i'd been brimming with frustration, mom unreachable, Abang busy on the line and the work pressure was cooking my head off.

but thankfully, minkus understood that. thanks, darling dear...

we drove aimlessly towards PS that by the time we arrived, it's almost midnight. even the stalls were closing. we had our prosperity meals there. minkus with her choc sundae was never a doubt: inseparable.

i was contemplating read bean shake, yet, my recent BMI was almost a disgrace, i dared not topping it off. next time, then. had a bite off the prosperity burger before i gave up on it. instead, i cleaned off the curlies and sipped on my green tea, my favE~

overlooking PS, we shared our frustrations, minkus n me. and somehow, we got into discussing a private matter of kak n abg ju... about abdullah taking pills to outlive his emotional pain on her wedding day. and minkus informed me that kak had been asking her on why am i so hung up on mr AE zaira so much... inwardly, i noted that me and kak, we shared too much of congruity in our lives. always the one who pines. when we walked away, the reluctant egoists always do things to make us stay and become their doormat still.

i just smiled it off, not answering minkus' question on what's so special about someone i've dedicated my heart to. we've talked about this, right? justifications are not what i'm ever gonna share here.

i am past beyond justifications.

teringat satu scene citer Dunia Baru. ya, saya minat citer Dunia Baru.. maybe saya akan pegi tengok kat movie nanti. kalu saya ada masa la.

there was this part when anne and her husband squabbled that it then escalated to the point where this lakonan semula happened:

iqram: saya bingung! ayah saya suruh saya ceraikan awak.

anne: apa?! dan awak masih bingung? perlu ke awak bingung? bila awak ajak saya kawin dulu, saya tak pikir apa2 lagi. pada saya, hanya awak. awak.

iqram: ...

and i totally understood why she felt that way. and i also understood that iqram thinks beyond the emotion equation. that he's considering the possibilities, that maybe they are both better off without each other. apart. in order to survive.

this matter of hearts. i tried to be objective. understanding. openly relenting. optimistic.

to me, usahlah ditanya kenapa lagi. i'm way past that. mungkin Abang akan terasa kalau ida issue statement that i forgot why i fall for him before. that my brain only registers: i love Abang and that's not a moot point anymore.

the truth is, when i am with him, just the two of us, i feel safe. comfortable. peaceful.

i feel cared for.

sukar diterjemah dalam kata2...

hmmm.. i didn't answer minkus' question last night. and i'm not going to answer it here. terpulang pada Abang untuk menilai dan memahami segalanya sendiri.

curiga Abang, i can't do anything if it's there.

claustrophobic Abang, well. i can do something about that if i am strong-willed ~ which i think, would take a while :p

Minkus finished off her cheese burger and we headed back to her home. i slept all the way from PS to the bed. weary to the bone.

i still don't have the opportunity to shop for new outfits. at times, when i am inwardly distraught, retail theraphy may do wonders.

this time, i only long for Abang's comforting company.

God, i miss him so much...

 

tag : year 2007

Tag dari echah.. dapat petang tadi.

Azam tahun baru…

banyak! but here's a few:

1. take great care of myself, parents, siblings n frens much better
2. manage financial aspects with much aplomb
3. have better, respectable care of my properties : jef, home no. 7 and home no. 3point3.
4. be a better boss, clique and staff
5. handle my time better
6. pursue my masters with BLP abroad
7. APC and PTK both in my good hands
8. get new frens, widen my network and perform better
9. replace jef with affordable new one
10. get someone particular to committedly love me back~

Kenangan pahit

1. eksiden n let Abang E took blame for it <- i felt guilty giler.
2. jef selalu sakit.
3. ntah?

Pengajaran Tahun 2007

1. trust my gut. first instincts are always right.
2. be a better, less uptight person. relax!
3. never pass the hot ball to others lest it hurt u back. delegate u must. but always have it in yr head that u ARE the person responsible.
4. too much, but i think, this is the most important: MAKE YR PARENTS HAPPY

Pencapaian paling bermakna 2007

not in sequential order of importance, some of them are:

1. Konfirm perjawatan
2. Sit for PTK
3. Own home no.3point3
4. home no.7, my bachelorette love nest
5. Pemangku KPSU 'C' IP2
6. SPB Yang di-Pertuan Agong XIII
7. Mom n Dad's Room
8. Ayin's 9As
9. Abroad brief duty: Brunei
10. great, good frens :)

the list is endless (^^,)v

Pose menarik

frens keep complaining i am much a silhoutte behind angie, well, i'll try to find any of my scarce few pix to share, k? later. much-much later.

:)

tagging anyone?

not yet :)

rasa syukur~

dalam pada kesibukan kerja dan kesuntukan masa, ida rasa bersyukur yang amat.

there is a vast difference between working hard for a boss that only demands the best and leaving the responsibilities on yr shoulders alone, and busting yr head off for a boss that shares and works as much harder to shoulder the responsibilities together. a big, vast difference.

God!

alhamdulillah... one day, i want to emulate her good qualities and be a best boss everyone ever have.

insya Allah. it's a good wish, kan? niat baik, usaha tekun dan bijaksana menitip kemahiran, insya Allah, i'll persevere.

and today...

DD,

i'm sorry i went and became a Cruella on you. i tried to balance my temper and out of nowhere, the poison just exploded.

i cannot promise that there won't be anymore spat between us. yet i know, and i promise u that i'll try much harder to curb my awful temper.

post menarik: Satu Perkhidmatan, Satu Penyampaian dan Satu Pintu Penerimaan

Layan semua permohonan – KSN

PUTRAJAYA 16 Jan. – Kakitangan semua jabatan dan agensi kerajaan tidak lagi boleh menolak sewenang-wenangnya sebarang permohonan daripada orang ramai sekalipun di luar bidang kuasa mereka.

Sebaliknya, kakitangan terbabit perlu menerima permohonan tersebut dan seterusnya membawanya kepada pegawai yang bertanggungjawab.

Ketua Setiausaha Negara, Tan Sri Mohd. Sidek Hassan berkata, langkah itu bertujuan meningkatkan lagi kualiti perkhidmatan awam.

Katanya, ia sesuai dengan tekad ‘Satu Perkhidmatan, Satu Penyampaian dan Satu Pintu Penerimaan’ yang akan menjadi pegangan kakitangan awam tahun ini.

“Satu Pintu Penerimaan bermaksud, orang ramai tidak lagi sewenang-wenangnya boleh dinafikan perkhidmatan walaupun perkhidmatan yang ingin diperoleh itu bukan terletak di bawah tanggungjawab jabatan terbabit.

“Sebaliknya, kakitangan tersebut perlu terus memberikan perkhidmatan dengan menerima permohonan itu dan menyerahkan ia kepada pegawai atau pihak yang bertanggungjawab,” katanya kepada pemberita di sini hari ini.

Mohd. Sidek berkata, usaha meningkatkan kualiti perkhidmatan yang disasarkan tahun ini akan didukung oleh enam tonggak iaitu:

* Merancang, melaksanakan, memantau, menguatkuasakan dan menyemak semula.
* Memperkasa tenaga kerja dengan sikap yang betul, kemahiran dan stamina bekerja.
* Memperbaiki penyampaian oleh barisan depan.
* Memanfaatkan sepenuhnya teknologi bagi menghasilkan perkhidmatan yang berkualiti.
* Bertindak membasmi kemiskinan.
* Memupuk gandingan berkesan dengan pemegang kepentingan.

Mohd. Sidek berkata, antara tumpuan utama tahun ini adalah meningkatkan sistem penyampaian barisan depan perkhidmatan awam melibatkan pihak berkuasa tempatan (PBT), pejabat tanah dan agensi yang banyak berurusan dengan orang ramai seperti Jabatan Pengangkutan Jalan (JPJ), Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara (JPN) dan Kastam Diraja Malaysia.

“Kita akan menempatkan pemimpin yang benar-benar berkebolehan untuk membawa perubahan di PBT, berhadapan dengan pelanggan dan bersikap terbuka kepada maklum balas orang ramai. Langkah ini boleh mengurangkan kekecewaan rakyat,” katanya.

Menurutnya, pembangunan teknologi, maklumat dan komunikasi (ICT) akan menjadi agenda utama bagi membolehkan kualiti perkhidmatan ditingkatkan.

-> i got this from portal today. it merited itself into this category. cruella is not going to spew her poison. it's open to u guys :)

on 16th of January 2008~

after a rather volcanic eruption of emotion yesterday, 16th of january 2008, the day, comes in a rather tepid motion, at first.

i finished up last night's editing. worried a bit on the upcoming meeting with SUB. then, i had lunch at the coast, alamanda with kak aida n encikjoe. ingatkan nk belanja kak aida, tapi encikjoe dah baik ati dulu. kindly remind me, i need to make a new lounge suit. i NEED a new lounge suit. NEW lounge suit.

then, i forgot to bring up my handphone from the car. sat for the meeting. and then, the storm blew over. yepp.

everything is now helter skelter.

all i could think of now is not the KUP 44 part. i think of my loved one. i got to talk to him this evening just for a bit before i had to attend to my boss.

i miss Abang. a hug would be nice to ease my weary soul after the encounter with the nyamuks of everyday's life.

nope, this is not cruella deVilla speaking. this is me. someone who hates someone else for making me hate them.

in life, i stay away from making fiends. but that doesn't mean i can tolerate *$&%*%*$#)#%!$><#%#~@ from others.

well, i'll tell u guys what 5 things that i really hate in people. next time.

bila seseorang bersikap double standard~

actually today there was this one guy that couldn't quit picking on me.

we had before, an ugly tete-a-tete, if u can call it that. after a while, we had a truce.

then, today, out of no where, he started it all over again. in his meanness, just to unload his overloaded garbage, he picked on ME. i know that at parts, i can be untolerable in naivety. that i can be too much in one's face. but personally i think, he shouldn't promote his meanness by picking on the naive me. after all, other people also mention the things that i mention. he even did the same sometimes. except that, even though i have a cutting wit to spite him, i didn't. i mean, the thing u hated done on u, don't do it unto others. i didn't spite him even though i have a chance.

i tried to understand him better. to accept his snide off-the-cuff remarks just at face value. after all, what did i do to deserve his vile double standardness, kan?

i tried visualising him as a friend. i regarded him as such. furthermore, as we met at social functions, we were cordial, as if our claws were never unleashed on each other.

then there he had to go again and again to promote that he is oh-so-wittily mean. ingat jadi orang yang jujur menyakitkan hati orang ni bagus sangat ke? menyumpah dan menyeranah orang sesukanya. bahasa melambangkan bangsa, encik.

i think, i don't consider this is what i really appreciate in a friend. i know that he got loads and loads of garbage. adjusting to a new baby. a pressure-filled working environment. frustration. anything. i tried to take that into account. yet, lest he takes into account that even a silly person like me also can rile back and maim a person, i think, i'll ignore his sillier stands in life.

if he wants to make people think he is bad, just so that he can justify within his head that life is unfair, well, good luck with that.

DD,

seriously, get a life.

"Realize" by Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is.

Crashing down on in.

Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

[C:]

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

[V2:]

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by..

Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.

[C:]

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

[V3:]

It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

[C:]

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

Realize
Realize
Realize

[V1:]

-> echah initiated us to colbie's songs today. i find realize much closer to my heart.. kenapa ya? it's much deeper, of meanings that i need to convey to someone dearly missed.

hopefully Abang will agree to that dinner~ it would make me real happy...

the romance of mom and dad

i know that this post might hit me bad once i got home tonight to an empty home no.7~

but i guess, i would love to put into record of how much home no.7 has helped the romance of mom n dad lingers true...

the signage of mom & dad's room is already pasted on the right door. it is romantic and simple. having this pix of mom n dad back in year 2002, i think.. whenever we watch it, it made us smile :)

i am thankful to home no.7~ it's a place where mom and dad will have their much needed privacy to be alone and close to each other...

if i remember correctly, mom dan dad stayed with tokkibi's family at hiliran. there was no option of being alone for themselves two as the kids soon followed. once it was too crowded, dad moved us to losong and we stayed there ever since, keeping on growing until little adam and the clans arrived.

last night, they were putting on the holy verses up the thick, hard wall. i was not there, but from the giggles of minkus and mah, it was surely funny to have witnessed mom supporting dad's bums as he shook, drilling the stubborn wall.

sigh~~~

such romance that perseveres the toils and perils of life is surely admirable, don't u think?

as to now, mom and dad are still languidly having their R&R at home no.7, whilst i sit here and try my damnest to squash down my deepest wish to be back at home with them...

home no.7, thank you.

Law of the Garbage Truck

i read something insightful from blog cik_sal today.. and it made me think and reassess my environment differently.

i saw myself carrying a lot of garbage that i readily dumped on people in sharp, successive motion.

rather time bomb- like.

i think i should change that. asking for a break, demanding for one would be piling on my ever heavy garbage-load.

instead, i think, if i change the way i view the garbage, finding ways to recycle them and make profit out of it, i'd be better.

so there! thanks, kak sal. i owe you one today :)

a wish...

i have so many wishes. but as understood, kita merancang, Allah jua yang menentukan.

today, i got an invitation to attend an australian embassy's celebration. the first person i thought of asking: Abang.

rasa rindu nk spend masa tenang dengan dia. what with works and whatnots, i dreamed of having a simple, jovial dinner at a foreign place. nk experience something of a different culture, meeting new people, to widen our horizon. and i want to share that with him.

hmmm... hope he agrees. 28th will be close to 2nd feb, my final departure date from here... i wish.............

asked him, yet he didn't know yet whether he wants to go or not...

one thing that i miss is dressing up beautifully for someone. these days, i'm just a plain jane. unsoiled from the face paint. sometimes, i don't bother making an effort at all. ada sikit rasa macam a bored suri rumah anak sepuloh pun ada, judging from my appearance :)

the last day i put my make up on was Azah's KGPA wedding reception. tupun, i don't feel like it at all. it was slapdash, uninspired. lifeless.

so please, make me feel young and beautiful again, Abang. do come and keep me company~

home no.7 welcomes mom n dad~

seeing that i ramble a lot on home no.7, i decided that a new category shall be put forth..

mom has graced home no.7 yesterday. the first thing she noticed, it's indeed spacious!

hmmm... she loves the mr.bean window. the beautiful balcony. the rooms. the built-in kitchen cabinets. the spacious 4-door cupboards.

she checked the huge fridge, the tv, the washing machine etc and she estimated the costs. typical of mom, and i love her anyway :p

the one thing she felt inadequate is the sprinkling shower and sink. not so generous as at puchong before..

that one i agreed. it's the one lacking that i first really missed.

all in all, she likes it here :)

dad's coming tonight. hope he approves of the rooms' selection. the master bedroom belongs to mom and dad. the second room, a guest room which also acts as storage room until i sorted all my belongings.

and my room: the room no.3 as i like it there. smallest, yet most comfortable and adequate.

i haven't decide on what i like best about home no.7. i'm just pleased that it's mine.

alhamdulillah~

the new path looms ahead~

  apt with the new developments, i guess i better prepared myself mentally, emotionally and physically for the changes that may come this february.

it's time i stopped witnesing people moving ahead. it's time i move ahead too. ahead and ahead until nobody can catch me lacking.

it's a final thing. no need to scare some people off or give unrealistic hopes to those who wish that i stay.

sudah tertulis begini nasibnya cik shahidah sulong melangkah mencari jalan baru untuk jadi insan yg lebih baik.

a new path, the new cross roads. i must trudge on, alone, if i must. there is a substantial amount of mounting fear and secret dread of how much good i'll fare there at the new place. yet i know, i AM a good officer: dedicated, resourceful and strong-willed, plus other things. and i also know i still need to learn. to educate myself with new things. this whole world is at my disposal, if and if only i brave myself to seek the unseekables, reach for the unreachables and hold on tightly to my dreams.

there might be storms ahead.

fierce and unrelenting.

demanding.

and there will also be moments of haziness. where i might end up not knowing what to do. a blur.   a cold, mind-numbing blur. i must keep that in mind that no matter how clueless i might be, i always pride myself on self-preservation. a cat that has nine lives, keen on other senses if else fails. i will overcome the haze and persevere.

officially there will be merely 20 days left for me to initiate these young bloods into the battle fields. so far they are rather nonchalant and calm. hopefully such expression remains till the end. i know i am a total worrywart. :)

i'm preparing myself to walk ahead with a smile. not a single slip of tear, dearest. they are better off without the nagging b*yoch like me, kan? someone who always have this drive to prove that she's right. that every speck of dust must be at its according place.

i guess, i do have the annoying habits and mannerisms, once in a while. i'm just starting to realise that, nowadays. in truth, there are slithers of sadness that i have inside. a clinical depression, i personally diagnosed. but i fought the demons away, everytime. with the support of frens, family and myself. mostly by myself, as i picked up the secret, hidden doppelganger when all she wanted to do is creep back some hidden dark corners and bawl.

so i must change that and become better. and i will try to improve myself, to curb my tongue. who knows that the scary path looming ahead is actually heading towards a comfortable, lovely destination, a place blessed by a beautiful rainbow...

i realise now. there shouldn't be any hesitation at all. in 20 days, i'll be gone. nomore tete-a-tete at Abang's office. he's going to meet me just for me, i guess. nomore about work.

now is a difficult moment. and i'm thankful i have those i love close. mak is here, inspecting home no.7~

meanwhile, i'm clearing up and preparing for my departure. hopefully my luggage will be neat and ready for the flight away.

til we bid bon voyage, eh?

migren

sakit kepala yang agak kritikal... sejak semalam depan komputer buat keje kat opis, balik kol 545 pagi tadi.. sempat tido sejam before rushing masak nasi goreng utk dibawa ke pejabat. tengah menggoreng kat dapur, dato' tk called. hmmm, i experienced a slight taste of a working lady there... how to juggle yr cooking with yr demanding boss. not a good way to start yr day, right?

even lunch pun a tedious affair at alamanda. hmmm.. a frankly assessed confession there. i wonder why i bother following others out? as it seems, i truly am not a chirpy fellow to hang out with when i am sleep-deprived.

besides, generasi muda zaman sekarang tak sama macam dulu. hormat tu macam kurang sikit. not like the way i used to be. is it bcos i am too laid back?

i think, this is time when i need to educate some people the real truth of responsibilities.

a proper mc is in order. thank u.

5 things i wish home no.7 owns~

home no.7 is almost complete. yet, it sorely needs, at the very least, these:

• black n decker drilling & screwing tools

i fell in love with these macho fella last night. yet, i don't have much time to check them out. real handy to an OCD like me to have and to hold :)  em, i need them to help me hang the wall clock, the family pix, the washing room curtain, the FY door handle n the Holy scriptures. cost = approx. RM150

• japanese dinner table - chocolate in color, if able

i tried imagining home no.7 with the normal dining table. yet, i felt rather grown-up-ish if i do. so, having a comfortable, affordable japanese table is a much more palatable idea. i found a sturdy one that costs merely RM 85 in terengganu last month. due to space limitations of jfj, i had to forego such a nice fella. back in nilai, that one costs no less than RM250. bak kata zaha, hilang akal?

• mom & dad's comfortable mattress

they need comfortable mattress. it's the least i can do. takkan mak dan ayah nk kongsi sofa living room tu kan? hmmm, coming to that, i wonder which room shall i paste their pix on, ek? i thought of giving them the 2nd room, yet dad had started to show inclinations for the 1st room. hmmmmm... costing roughly at RM300

• complete dining set

OCD loves having coordinated tools in life. i love a posh looking yet in real life, a cheap dining set. available at ikea, perhaps? costing is no more than RM50

• mobile clothes dryer

an essential must-have now that i could not have my personal dryer machine. by rough, RM80

tall dreams...

as i spent time alone at office, late at nights, focusing on my work, i couldn't help but weave tall dreams of my future.

of moments of comfort, leisure and relaxation.

sometimes, songs, romantic ones, float by to sway my emotions. inducing me to be eloquent and articulately thinking of someone i'd love to see once i finish my work here...

except that is just one of the many tall dreams i have nowadays.

wouldn't it be nice to belong to someone you are really comfortably in love with?

i know.

and even though you are both in love with each other, there will still be a room for you to learn on how to better understand and compensate each other's uniqueness..

the last few days, i've been listening to Anuar Zain's song. wistfully wondering that it'd be nice if someone kindly dedicates his lovely poetic songs to me... and suddenly, i just know what i want to do to really express what i really feel for someone that is him.

it's still kept in secret. i need to do some adjustment to my computer and hope i'll have some time left for this project d'amour :)

i love him. i knew i love him. i knew.

yet i tried so many times to walk away. to shed everything emotional i have of him, only to find myself still weaving that tall dreams of mr teddy bear.

dreaming of a far, far away simple white wedding. that involves us and only close-knit family (does this include our extensive half-families, as well?) only time will tell, kan.

dreaming of our cherubby-cheeks baby. of us as a family.

late at night, i dream without sleeping.

i dream. amidst my mounting papers to check and recheck.

dreaming tall dreams.

that he sleeps and dreams of me.

kissing spot courtesy of aimi

got this from aimi's blog. a rather goofy and silly post, don't u think?

Libra : Everywhere

Sagittarius : in the bathroom

Taurus: On the trampoline

Capricorn : In the hot tub

Aquarius : In The Elevator

Aries : in a pool!

Pisces : On The Kitchen Table

Gemini : Under the stars

Virgo : In a car

Leo : On the beach

Scorpio : Under a tree

Cancer : In the rain

thank goodness we gemini and cancer are two romantic sorts, aight?

in the rain, under the stars~

dream on, miss shahidah, dream on :)

a new day~

selamat menyambut maal hijrah...

a new day for a new person. stil datang ofis pada hari cuti. tapi prioriti diberikan kepada diri utk berkemas rumah, berehat dan tidor secukupnya dahulu.

a few frens wish me new year. a rather interesting one is a short note from anep:

"Jika doamu dimakbulkan, tanda Allah menyayangimu, jika doamu lambat dimakbulkan, tanda allah ingin mengujimu, jika doamu tidak dimakbulkan, tanda Allah merancang yang terbaik untukmu" Selamat menyambut Maal Hijrah

buat ida tersenyum. dan terfikir, sebenarnya, in all cases, Allah tetap sayang. everything is in its own good time, in its own good pace. sabarlah...

after berkemas dan seadanya, clearing up for dining area should i be able to get a japanese table at a reasonable price, ida tertidur... sampai ke petang.

by 430pm baru bangun. menyemak lnpt staffs. hmmm.. it still touches me in awe to see how much my staffs have grown under my tutelage. i am truly proud of them, in their passion to better themselves and achieve my expectations. before, memang ida cam very hard on my pptm n ppt. after unending stern lectures punctuated with honest compliments on their improvement, i can attest that they are getting better with their jobs. a little napoleon when i am gone...

silly though i may sound, i want to be proud of my staffs and to take into account that i've been able to touch people's lives and make them become better as they deserve to be.

in a part, they are my students too even though i am not a teacher by profession. and i am their students too. picking up where they are good and improving from it. learning is a continuing process.

before leaving for office with the steaming rice, called Abang. tahu dia sibuk, what with tonight's state banquet, hope everything is going well.. we talked a bit and of other things, he mentioned that his grandfather is Dato' Seri *. one thought popped into mind: "there goes my dream of a simple wedding do up the smoke~" (which is rather too a selangkah di hadapan kan? hahaha..) tak kisahlah. i mean, that is grandfather. not Abang. lagipun, Abang dah start saving kan? <- soalan yg sangat nakal :p

rindu utk bertemu. untuk berbual dan sekadar menghabiskan masa bersama.

kekadang terasa ok gak kalu tak jumpa, absence makes heart grow fonder, kan? dan kekadang datang angin gila utk menterjemahkan kerinduan yang sasau ini secara fizikal. a hug, nothing more. of holding hands and sharing the understanding warmth.

which is stupid and totally out of line.

i should learn to keep my notty thoughts to myself, kan?

hmmm... i blame it on this freezing office. bak kata a dear fren, beruang kutub pun bleh mati kesejukan kat opis ni :D

hope Abang can drop by at my office sometimes soon. and hope that he misses me too.

there i go being wishy-washy again :p

mak is coming this saturday morning at lcct. em, it's going to be a rushed, hectic weekend just like last week. i hope i still get the strength, physically and emotionally, to handle the pressure and everything.

i wish mak and ayah will stay to make me feel much better. there are times when being alone is too cold a situation to bear in an empty home...

however, watching the pix of my family, rasa terhibur masih.. kjie n family, complete with mr nanny that is ayin, dah selamat di cameron highlands.. and this, is a pix that made me smile today:

bila la nk ada baby cute camni ek?

5 things i wish i could do now~

i wish i could

1. have a retail therapy together with a TCRS dinner/ lunch with mak
2. curl up on my sofa n read a romance novel, leisurely
3. get away, far away for any INTAN course available, preferrably language courses: Mandarin, Japanese, french & english
4. have ample time to mull over my LNPT forms, staffs' LNPT forms and the unit's strategic plans
5. have time alone with Abang, sharing n communicating as he drives us some place nice n cozy

hmmmm... these are attainable wishes, kan? except for number 5, which i don't know if i ever going to have that wish fulfilled, i think the rest only requests more dedication from Pemangku KPSU 'C' IP2.

wish me luck!

when time is too limited-

dearest,

i've never been so time-limited ever. it's like i have too many things to say, to0 many puzzles to explore, yet, so little time left for personal space.

i wish that time is with me, not against me.

I'm the lucky one ~ Anuar Zain

Ku persembahkan satu cita ku..
Setulus hati hanyalah untukmu
dan ku lakukan semampu aku tuk menyayangimu
hingga kau merasa jadi pujaan ku
meski bercinta kadang tak indah
tapi tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
dan kupastikan..i'm the lucky one..
nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya....

jiwaku ini yg tak tersentuh
kini terasa sejak bersamammu
berikan hangat hinggaku x mampu berjauh drmu
kerna kau yg bisa buatku bahagia

meski bercinta kadang tak indah
tp tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
dan ku pastikan i'm the lucky one
nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya

caramu membuatku x berdaya
hatiku pun ribut terjaga
kau ubah hidupku ini jadi sempurna

meski bercinta kadang tak indah
tp tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
dan ku pastikan i'm the lucky one
nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya

feverish...

kudos to home no.7 (^o^)v

after only 3 hours sleep last night, my weary soul has been feeling the unending toils... after picking up dad at lcct, we went for klia. then, ventured forth to pick up salimah along the journey to bangi, mak yah's home.

by 230 am, i arrived home  with the entourage. glad that ayah approved of home no.7. thankful because abang e n kak su had supplied the sofa earlier: it was ayah's official bed from now on.

he much prefered the master bedroom. maybe it was more spacious, kot?

his comment: luas la rumah ida ni!

alhamdulillah, :)

he even understands the shortage of parking slots and compensates with that.

congratulations, home no.7! i guess, even though u r going to cost MORE by the time i become a 44, u have met ayah's approval and made me feel proud of ya :)

yet, his stay was too short, by 630 am, we rushed to make a 7 am arrival at the lcct for his jb flight. and i am now, facing the workstation and a deadline by 10 am this morning with puan wan.

sipping steaming hot coffee, perhaps i should put a note of 'welcome home, Abang!' here. i got the feeling that he just got back from the texas trip, as mentioned earlier, this morning.

dare i hope for a trinket of souvenir?

wishy-washy :p

i'm just glad he's home.

what do i crave for at this particular time?

right now, i inwardly crave most for the sound of my estranged person's voice...

i miss him so.

a hug. warmth to absolve the freezing coldness of this workstation.

i need him. badly. here.

Dear god, let him remembers me too......

still more left, yet so little time left

my body is feverish. hot and cold.

still, 4 more hours before i signed off for tonight.

daughterly duty for a dear darling father.

Dearest God,

give me strength. ease my burden. please do.

bila 'malaysia' ditaip 'malasnya' (^o^)

hmmm... asal nk menaip dan memerah kepala untuk meringkaskan maklumat asas pencalonan insan2 terpilih dan istimewa ni, fikiran mula merewang utk memikirkan perkara lain yg lebih best dan seronok.

malam ni by 9.15 dah kena berkejar ke nilai 3 for salimah and then to lcct to pick up ayah for klia plak, mak yah and the family will arrive from mekah tonight.

tomorrow dawn dah kena berkejar hantar ayah ke lcct for his flight to senai at 7am.

hmmm... got to get back to work now. talk to u shortly later :p

cried twice today

i cried twice today. because of Abang E.

the first incident, it was out of frustration. Abang e tried to reach me vide hp but as i was in Puan Wan's office in preparation for TKSUK's urgent audience, i failed to attend to his calls. after finishing the relay of information needed for the audience, i picked up the phone and noticed the 5 missed calls plus THE sms. rasa helpless sangat bila baca sms Abang e.... terasa tertekan pasal diri selalu dihimpit waktu dan tugasan yg mendesak ida tersepit. dalam diam, air mata menitik. frust dan bersalah pada Abang E and family. hampa.

soon as everyone got their instructions, i rushed home, kalau2 kak su masih menunggu di pintu rumah bersama babies yg comel... persetankan sama red lights, i was ruthless to get home, tak mahu orang tersayang tertunggu macam petang semalam.

bila sampai depan rumah, bukan kak su yg menunggu. bukan salma dan suhail. tapi, satu set sofa... air mata menitik kali kedua. rasa terharu... sangat. dalam kesempitan kewangan sebegini, memang hati berkira-kira sangat untuk mencari sofa yg selesa bagi home no.7, tapi apakan daya kerana kewangan memang meruncing...

it is truly beautiful, of brownish and chocolatey, which matched my carpet by the tv... beautiful.

hmmm, membuatkan hati terasa sangat sayang utk berada di rumah dan bermalas-malasan.

home no.7 is becoming a real, complete home for a complete real broke :p

it's true. tadi dah buat estimation. with the elaun penanggungan kerja stopped ( sedangkan kerja semakin bertokok-tambah gila ), i am a REAL, flat broke.

blame it on me, kata Akon. i think i blame it on the kenduri-kenduri trips and expenses kot? and the accident that simply swallowed my RM1,200 (RM400 is given by ayah, which i then gave RM100 to Minkus for Jes' repair costs)

takpelah. sabar itu separuh daripada iman. pandai2la nk hidup, kan? menghitung hari sehingga next hari gaji, :p

maybe i'll get reimbursed shortly. for the moment, i need to bear the brunt and try to be ikhlas.

insya Allah.

allergik!

i have such an allergy against certain male species. ones that made my skin crawls with revulsion and contempt.

they made me retch inwardly sometimes. why? what did they do, u may ask?

sulit untuk dinyatakan di sini. classified.

lebih senang dan mudah utk kukatakan bahawa ida sukar utk mempercayai orang lain. sometimes, ida mudah mesra dan mempercayai orang. setengah lagi, bertemu sekali sudah cukup. titik.

don't judge a book by its cover, some says. yet, sometimes, my inner guts boleh membaca beyond the cover. self-preservation, perhaps.

sangat detest lelaki yg menggunakan nama manjaku walaupun kami hanya berpapasan atas nama urusan rasmi. who are u, may i ask again?

sangat detest juga lelaki yg tanpa jemu mengganggu inbox sms-ku saban siang dan malam. mengucapkan kata2 pujian yg belum tentu benar dan tulus. merajuk buruk bila ida mengabaikan sms-nya.

dan sangat2 detest lelaki yg menyatakan ambil berat tetapi sebenarnya tidak jujur. they try so hard to impress, yet, it felt hollow because they don't really mean it. they just went out to fish and see if i bow to their charms.

allergik.

i'm not a self-professed feminist. yet, far from being an alpha-female. it's just that i have a heightened sense of misgivings towards male.

allergik. allergik. allergik.

please la, can they hear how bored i always am whenever i am forced to bear their audience?

yours truly,

cruella deVille

just DO it

lately, i've been too much distracted... penat dan kurang sihat secara emosi dan fizikal.

everytime i think of the pending tasks, i developed a thumping headache that made me deviate into other less unpleasant thoughts. sedangkan i should fight off my panicky self and just DO it.

mom says, list 10 things that u need to complete. even though u just complete 3 out of 10 for today, it means that u've done something. tomorrow, u'll attempt to solve the remaining 7.

just Do it. face the fear and solve the problem.

Do i ruin my relationships?

You Are A Relationship Rescuer!

You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think. You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule. And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that?

My dream engagement ring

Your Dream Engagement Ring Has a Round Diamond!

A round diamond is classic and timeless, just like your style Your diamond will always look with the times - and goes with everything Of all diamonds, round diamonds show the most sparkle They are often chosen by sweet, dependable women who make marriage their #1 priority.

how very true! and i do adore solitaire, hint.hint.

:) i am a romantic. give me anything, i'll accept it as long as it means he wants me to be his forever...

what kind of frens are u?

a social butterfly

You love your friends so much... - res ipsa loquitur You're motto is "the more, the merrier"! Making sure everyone's included is your mission And you always prefer a group of ten to a group of two - huh?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept off your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

~ a bit of truth rings true here...

The Recipe For shahsulong

3 parts Class 2 parts Prosperity 1 part Drive Splash of Devilry Sip slowly on the beach

being exclusive, are we?

hmmm.. an old fren asked me out on a dinner. and i accepted with much ease. after all, he's just a fren i was fond of during uni years. a fren.

if u ask me, i felt a bit guilty. even though me and the invisible half is not in an exclusive relationship, i couldn't belp feeling that teeny weensy guilt. yup, guilty as i am contemplating a 'memuk' ( zaha, i used yr term, here :p ) with an old fren, how cordially platonic though it was, i mean, it is supposed to be a simple, cordially platonic dinner.

no need to say that he stood me up. thank goodness for that also as i had a lot on my plate tonight. lagipun tadi dah dinner sama Abang e n kak su with salma n suhail at my home. it was a sumptuous dinner, scrumptious and loud, i might say. suhail just found his voice: our simple fusion western dinner was punctuated with his shrieks and wailing. bila Abang E picked him up, baru la dia diam.

okay, back to the point. it seems that i am destined to be in an exclusive, yet invisible relationship. after this, i guess, i won't bother to agree for any other clandestine meeting. i won't tempt anyone's patience and i certainly don't think i could two-time anyone sans the niggling guilt.

yup. i hate feeling guilty. even though i do think that i deserve a reunion with old uni frens, it shouldn't be in the vein of 'memuk'.

darn.

the day i shout so much - mine!

always been envious of chah when she posted hers.

here's mine :)

i know i AM being a royal pest, but i know, my frens love me anyway :p

a life's moment comes, but once...

last night i spent a nigth at home no.7, completely alone, for the first time. a strange feeling indeed.

there goes the beginning of a new era. a time when i have to fend for myself, completely on my own.

a word flashed my mind this early morning as i enjoyed a novel by Julia Quinn: spinsterhood. it made me smile. perhaps spinsterhood is not that scary anymore.

mom and me got into discussion as to how i felt when li and kak got married last december. only she knows how deeply miserable i really felt inside. because i am powerless in these matters of heart. i mean, i cannot force anyone to love and marry me. it's beyond me.

so, in a way to salvage my heart and be much a better person, i smiled wryly to her and gave the reassurance that comes what may, i'm going to strive sterlingly in the things that i can do something good in: my career.

mom chastised my determination. she's still in the frame of mind that in order to be a woman, i need a husband and children. that without those two particular entities, i would never be a real woman. read that: my mom, always a conservative idealist.

without wanting to offend her further, i just smiled it off, admitting that having a family is what i've been dreaming off ever since i was a little girl of 9. but it never happened as i expected... perhaps Allah wants me to dream some more, kan? it's ok, i know i'm good in what i do, career-wise. i'll take whatever happiness i can find.

besides, God has arranged everything in its rightful place at its rightful pace.

i am inducing more happy thoughts these days. lonely and maudlin' at times, yet, i guess, i'm ok.

a life's moment comes, but once...

what is a name?

this has been nagging me for quite a while back.. what is there in a name?

some says, a rose in another name still smells as sweet-

but really, what is there in a name?

the word we used to term someone. calling him: awak, you, tuan, encik *, abang-

terming me: saya, i, ida, adik-

it made me wonder, what is there in a name?

with melodic expression and repressed affection , i called him 'abang' one long time ago. and one day, in front of Tuan Haji TSUB, i dropped that affectionate gesture and addressed him as 'encik'... i regretted that. because after that, whenever i tried to called him 'abang', he some sort of resented that. resenting me and my affections. and i no longer am 'adik'. not anymore. just because i wanted to avoid Tuan Haji from feeling more uneasy with me at that particular time.

bad mistake? i don't know. i think i still miss calling him 'abang' to his ears.

i miss being able to call him and just talk. sharing things that i felt like sharing. gone were the days when i felt in love. gone.

what's left is the shell who keeps empty hopes, optimist yet beaten.

there is a wall i unconsciously built to protect myself. yet i know, i am beyond saving. not when i have lingering hope still. no matter how hostile and cold our relationship is now, i could not stop myself.

what is in a name, i ask?

i am a witness. to pain and happiness. unable to touch and experience life of love. just able to die as a witness. a martyr, kekasih allah hendaknya.

i miss calling him Abang and hearing him feels smug in return. hmmm, tears start to fall down. probably they've grown to miss my cheeks~

too many things we wish to take back... yet time has gone. and i cannot undo my past. all i can do is trudge on and build a better life.

what is in a name? for whatever i called him, silently or in defeaning sound, can he  really hear what he really means to me?

Sober by Kelly Clarkson

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

plan untuk mengular~

hmmm... rasanya tahun ni ida dah start implement satu perkara baru: belajar untuk mengular.

macam best je kan. bila sesekala unwind in order to rewind.

kalau korang baca blog ida, tentu rasa ida unhappy dengan suasana hidup ida sekarang kan?

terawang-awang. takde basis... ida fed-up dengan kerja di sini sebenarnya. tak sabar plak rasanya nk pegi kabinet. hahaha- tu kata orang yg nk terjun dari mulut rimau masuk ke mulut buaya.

yup. ida tak penah mintak ditukarkan. tapi bila dah kena macam ni, jadi hibrid, ida jadi tak normal. i need a certainty in life. sekarang?

pressure! tadi terfikir possibility tangguh perpindahan pasal meeting ksn tak settle lagi in january.

bila fikir balik pasal perangai officers kat sini, ida cam, sukati koranglah. korang tanggung la.. ida malas nk amik pot lagi. malas nk ambil berat lagi~

em, in an hour, ada plan nk mengular sama echah. hmmm, nk pegi mana ek?

the new year~

such a lukewarm feeling, i suppose. minus the fireworks and optimism.

failing to plan is planning to fail, they say.

this year, i wish i'll be able to attain the success for these resolutions:

1. observe my ibadah better
2. naik pangkat
3. have better sense of mentality and personality
4. taking greater care of myself: spiritually and emotionally
5. join more extra-curricular activities
6. gain and keep more good frens
7. attend my appointments on the exact time promised
8. plan and take healthier diet
9. commit myself to strenous and consistent work out
10. plan and manage my financial side better
11. take time out to see frens and have TT
12. buy new car by the end of the year 2008
13. read more books and broaden my horizon
14. go travel somewhere different for the purpose of knowledge
15. save more money to perform umrah/ hajj
16. take greater care of my parents and siblings
17. weed out my negative traits
18. have better, lasting and meaningful romantic relationship
19. enrol for courses to fulfill the 7 days requirement
20. attempt for HBL - preferrably overseas: UK
21. attend more frens' kenduri kahwin, house party, reunion etc
22. learn to cook better nutritious, wholesome meals
23. keep my house better, cleaner and more comfortable
24. be more independent and less dependent on people
25. nurture more creative and innovative thoughts in solving problems
26. take time to plan my time well
27. stick to my plans

i think, that's for starters. byk lagi yg nk ditambah. tapi, primarily, this is what lingers in my mind for the particular moment.

i can be a b*, i realised that lately. bulldozing everything into what i want. i guess, that's because in some parts, i could not get what i deserve, thus, i tend to bully everything else into what i picture them to be, to compensate that deficiency.

kekadang tergelak gak. last december i learnt to mutter expletives, though not publicly, still, in my heart, i still hear it, kan? selama ni cam baik je, terasa bila menyumpah tu macam kotor/ jahat/ takpatut, tapi after such a rough, pressure-filled month, i muttered FY (just the initial, thankyou) freely in my mind when i encountered foolishness yang tak sepatutnya terjadi.

it's true, i guess, i don't suffer fools gladly. bukan kerana besar diri ( ada gak sikit2 kot ), tapi pasal dah tension tahap bima sakti, marah bila orang lain mengada2 nk tunjuk dia berkuasa sedangkan kalu dia kasi jalan dan bantu orang, dia tak luak apapun...

eee... buruk perangai sungguh.

harap2 tahun ni dapat ubah perangai buruk dan tak berkenan dari kamus diri. even though i could not possibly be demure like everyone else, at least i want to be more respectful and emphatic.

insya Allah.