Shah's thoughts

hari terakhir dalam tahun 2007...

harapan agar dapat akses internet malam ni supaya dapat menelusi jalinan fikiran dengan lebih tenang, waras dan berkecuali..

kata orang, kerana mulut santan binasa. perlu berhati-hati dengan apa-apa sahaja ekspresi fizikal dan literasi supaya tidak mendatangkan mudarat pada diri sendiri.

actually hari ni sesuai untuk memohon cuti.. agar badan dan jiwa yg penat tidak terdera untuk terus mengadap urusan kerja yg belum selesai.

bagaimana harus ida kongsi beban yg tertanggung? rasa tak puas hati, berjauh rasa... segalanya ada. dengan orang sekeliling yg tak mampu membaca yg ida sebenarnya tersepit dengan tanggungjawab kerja dan peribadi?

dan berjauh rasa bila sikap mengambil mudah oleh orang sekeliling menyebabkan susah-payah kita selama ini takde maknanya lagi...

ida keliru. penat dan kecewa. tak mampu mengadu rasa yg jauh ini pada emak. nanti mak risau dan berjauh rasa dengan insan lain.

entahlah, nanti bila ida dah tenang, kita bicara lagi dalam keadaan yg lebih konstruktif dan rasional.

sekarang ni, andai diungkai satu2, ida akan sayu dan marah... ya, marah dan kesal akan tetap ada kerana seorang insan yg sepatutnya telah matang dan mengambil berat kebajikan ibu bapa dan adik2, tidak pandai mengungkapkan rasa berterima kasihnya secara literasi.

biarlah, dia bahagia dengan tatacara hidupnya begitu. ya.. dia dah bahagia kerana apa yang diimpinya dah tercapai. sedangkan dia patut tahu, dalam dunia ni, lagi banyak perkara yg lebih penting untuk dihadapi...

Ya Allah,
cukupkanlah bagiku hanya kasih-Mu...

something to write?

tak tahu kenapa hari ni creative juice tu cam kurang... agaknya semalam dah burst spleen, hari ni macam takde energy sangat.

qayyim,

congrats dear for yr 9As :) i know u can do it right. alhamdulillah, syukur jua~

hari ni dapat berbicara on a much normal note with Abang. hilang rasa marah dan berhiba semalam. entahlah, too many layers. dalam sibuk melangsaikan tugas memberi keterangan kepada IO from BPR tadi, hati tetiba sedar diri. Abang tak reply anything tu maknanya jelas tak perlu bersuluh. there's nothing to say. nothing. none.

i should understand it better, kan. for being such a brilliant tactical officer, i AM such a retard when it comes to reading humans' heart.

so there. em, calling adik e... wondering why he called me yesterday, rupa2nya missed call only. when i called him back, he hinted on having a makan-makan outing once he comes to putrajaya next time.

hmmm.

hmmmmmmm.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

:p

lagu hate how much i love u berkumandang sekarang di radio encik jaafar. hati tersentuh plak... macam sesuai je lagu ni dengan mood sekarang, kan ? except that buat masa ni, terasa diri seorang.

muram. suram. kelam.

kenapa ida macam ni yer? setia menunggu yang jauh berpaling, diam membisu. sedangkan kalu ida berani, ida bleh pursue someone else yg penah share romantic history dengan ida.

kenapa yer?

agaknya Allah nk buat ida lagi sabar dan kuat. nak ida teguh semangat dan belajar jaga diri sendiri dengan lebih baik supaya bila tiba masanya ketentuan Tuhan, segalanya terjadi dengan indah sempurna. perfect.

tadi baca blog erra on married life. buat ida tersenyum happy utk seorang kawan...

pastu echah bukak citer ala-ala pillow talk on bersediakah? buat ida tersenyum seorang. bersedia tak bersedia, bila dah sampai masa yg dijanjikan Tuhan, kita kena hadapi gak.

em, hari ni my immediate boss masuk lapor diri. sedangkan SUB dan ramai pegawai lain takde. bak kata kak aida ...*classified*... sometimes i relish in the fact of kicking chauvinistic males' butt. particularly the obnoxious ones yg rasa diri dia lebih bagus pasal dia tu lelaki. sesuka hati dia je membuli females. ingat bagus sangat ker?

ida feminist? tak la. sekadar tak suka pembuli. especially LELAKI. hahahahaha...

tak sabar rasanya balik ke rumah dan wind down. tapi nak abiskan lagi sket semak surat yg masuk hari ni dan borang maklumat diri pegawai yang dah banyak kali bertangguh.

from today, i must wake the giants within and be much better, work much harder in outperforming myself.

lots and lots there are things to do than wallowing and wondering why i am so down lately. from now on, i must block my mind from thinking of Abang. biarlah segala perasaan halus tu dibuang jauh. ida tak larat nk cater beban kerja dan perasaan sekaligus. kena give up salah satu.

and for now, i think i could do much better in immersing myself into my work.

dearest,

wish me all the best. insya Allah, jika takde aral melintang, i could attain my secret ambition within 30 years time. i know i am good in what i'm doing.

alhamdulillah.

Hate That I Love You - Rihanna

(feat. Ne-Yo)

[Rihanna:]
As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeaahhh... Oohh...

[Rihanna:]
As much I love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

berhiba~

hari ni first day masuk ofis after 10 hari outstation plus cuti...

mulanya tu macam mandom plak. tapi bila mengadap fail dan surat2 yang bersusun di atas meja, digagahi jugak dan automatically i slipped into my professional mode.

by 830 am called tuan haji. khabarnya nk bertugas di luar kawasan jauh di seberang pasifik sana. before he left, sempat berbincang tugas2 yg perlu diselesaikan segera. after i mentioned statut bintang wilayah yg tak settle lagi, he informed me that i have a meeting scheduled today at 1030am, Istana Negara.

sempat belek2 surat penting dan mintak kak imah sort yg perlu tindakan segera before rushing off to kl.

i'm going to miss the scent that is uniquely Istana Negara. it reminded me of such a short time i have left here in istiadat. No. i'm not going to ever regret the transfer. it is a good thing to motivate me, yet lift my loads off favourably.

it's just that it is a scent that reminds me of my naivety. the times when i am just a simple 'orang kampung', not a harridan i am these days~

masuk bilik Abang, dia tengah borak dengan Puan Fauziah, an iron lady of her own. i am genuinely fond of her. she's a bit ... well, quirky at times, but i love the zaniness of her personality. and she's a good working wife. it's funny sometimes that i do appreciate the strong, successful, formidable iron ladies. including my new immediate boss, my soon-to-be big boss, YB MITI and Datuk Zakiah. hmmm... rindu plak pada Datuk KSU... one night i just glimpsed through her real self and i found myself liking her. ever since... tak kisahlah, kan? they are good role models, rough at edges, yet a diamond in actual self when u care to bear with the incongruities.

we got into the meeting. discussing things that are indeed still raw. i think Abang can be a bit miffed if i outshine him. assuming that i should take a much behind seat. ye ke? ke yer? perasaan sendiri kot. tetiba teringat sama senario Datuk Dolah Yatim, :)

honestly, i am myself. ada kurang dan ada lebih. perlukah ida menjadi kurang utk pastikan kelebihan seseorang itu lebih terserlah? patutkah ida tutup mulut? patutkah ida worship the ground he walks on, just so that he feels his ego stroked to the seventh heaven?

patutkah?

tak patut, kan. ida pun ada ego ida gak. bukan kerana ida tak hormat orang lain. bukan kerana ida rasa orang lain kurang. bukan kerana ida rasa ida lebih.

tapi kerana ida rasa, kita patut appreciate kelebihan orang lain, walaupun sepahit mana, we have to give the credit to one who deserves it. pay its rightful due, regardlessly.

i hate fawning when it felt lacking of sincerity. seboleh-bolehnya ida cuba jujur seadanya. benar kepada yg hak.

when i say something, i meant it. with my whole heart. at that moment, i truly believe in what i say. maybe my convictions would invariably change its course, still, i have to say things that i truly believe in. straight from the heart.

squabbling is not what i seek. i know that we have issues between the two of us. ida tak tau nk cakap camne lagi. maybe apa yg ida cakap tu salah dan menyinggung rasa seseorang. mungkin ida tak patut cakap macam tu dan seharusnya ida biarkan saja kebisuan itu menjadi kata2 yg memberi makna tersirat yg jelas.

i have nothing to lose. nothing. none. ida baik pun kena abuse. ida buat donno pun disangka buruk. rasa2 korang, selayaknya ida...

selayaknya...

hiba plak bila fikir dan layan emosi pasal perkara hati dan perasaan ni. bukan kerna ida patah hati. tapi ida tak mampu kuatkan semangat andai komunikasi hanya di sebelah pihak. macam bercakap dengan dinding sorang2.

on the eve of christmas, i was reacquinted with a long time childhood fren. irwan. or i remembered him as 'adik e' as my big brother is 'abang e'.

hmmm... agaknya pasal dah ada potential (... and seemingly interested ) mr berWang kot tetiba je ida cam berhiba dengan Abang sekarang, ek? openly admitting yg diri berjauh hati...

sometimes, i could always be the one who surrendered for other people's interests. what with mak, ayah, kak, abang, li n adik2 yg lain... i could. with my whole being, i could.

dan ada masanya, bila hati dah terasa... dah retak dan jauh sendiri... masa tu ida tak nak lagi kenang dan simpan yg memang bukan hak ida, ida mampu utk buang semuanya jauh pergi. biarlah tiada lenyap lagi, bila terjumpa sekadar jadi suatu mimpi lepas. sekadar bayang  berpapasan.

ida tak mampu paksa sesiapa utk menyayangi ida. ida terima seadanya andai itu rezeki ida. cuma bila terperosok seorang tanpa sebarang tanda yg  pasti walaupun ditanya dan hint berkali-kali, ida jadi benci.

benci, Abang. benci.

i'm a person with my own pride. ada masa merendah diri melentur bak akar di tanah, ada masa akan terus terbang lepas tinggi ke atas.

everyone deserves a rightful courtesy. why should us be a coward?

coward.

mungkin jalan ida bukan dengan Abang yang lebih tahu jalan depan Abang bukan dengan ida. kan?

sebab tu Abang selesa buat ida bercakap seorang diri. selesa utk biar ida lepas bebas macam layang2 terikat tali berpasak di bumi. sampai bila?

sampai hati didera perasaan ida sebegini...

short!

i cut my hair short!

dah lama berkira-kira utk memotongnya pendek tetapi setelah 9 tahun berambut panjang bersanggul inang, i cut my hair short! styled like Lady Diana's signature crop. bila dh snipped, baru la dtg gerun as to how i'd look without my quirky pony tail:

(i) different?

(ii) youngish?

(iii) tomboyish?

(iv) chubbier?

(v) simple?

minkus lamented i resemble my 16-year-old look, does that mean i look youngish or that i reverted back to my unkempt fashion sense?

huhu!!!

i think i can dig this cropped-short do. after all, i'm hankering for a monumental change in my life. this drastic hair cut IS monumental.

mental.

MENTAL.

M.E.N.T.A.L..

i'm ok, i think. still missing my home number  7. though, t. n my white plush sofa :)

riuh rendah part 2 - the finale

finally! alhamdulillah. lega rasanya dah selesai semua urusan siang tadi. actually, takde la sibuk sangat :) <- tipu!

riuh rendah memuncak sejak semalam. before dispersing to our respective beds, ayah briefed each and everyone of the clan 0n today's tentatives: the dos and the don'ts. everyone is apprehensive, a bit nervous because this would be our first combined big do that involves public gathering. it fulfills ayah's wish to have all his 3 families completing the tasks needed to welcome a good 2000 guests at our home for a very jubilant occasion.

alhamdulillah, minus the hiccup here and there, i personally deemed our unison showed sterling strength. walaupun berbeza, kami dapat bersama-sama bersatu hati menyempurnakan matlamat yang sama. rasa terharu dengan limpah kasih Allah jua... rasa syukur.

tadi Ma tersilap, dikatakan Intan itu kakak iparku. apakah? in retrospective, i am deemed younger because:

(i) i'm not married yet?

(ii) i am childish?

(iii) i am childlike?

(iv) i am still young?

hmmm... truthfully, it stung even though i laughed it off in good-humor. it stung.

i valued my position as the fourth person within the clan. lest i get married soon, people will deem me youngish, and thus, a bit less weighty in familial decision-making. i detest that. so i think, it's best i get married soon, don't u think so too ? <- tuan-puan, ini adalah alasan kukuh :)

getting married is a good thing. staying married is a better thing. being married and loving every second of it, is the best thing that could happen to us.

i consider myself grown up at a much faster pace after this do. of course Abang  once said i'm a bit serious, conservative type. but within close circle, i'm a much childish, youngish playful clan - member. i joked around and i am not often considered in making executive decisions. that all changed when i became a PTD and a much better person afterwards. perhaps, i had proven my clout, trashed out all the insecurities to emerge as Ida the putrajaya citizen. heh! <- saya tak blagak ke apa ke. itu sekadar pemikiran jujur saya.

but, i felt comfortable making executive decisions nowadays. teringat time mula2 kerja dulu, penakut gila utk jadi bossy. nk angkat muka dengan staffs pun berkira-kira. 2 tahun selepas servis, i am a bit like a mother-hen..

em, hari ni riuh rendah dalam keadaan tenang diberkati Allah. penat tu penat. penat.

today, our family officially welcomed 2 honorary members: Encik Mohd Azuan Ayub who married Kak and YM Raja Intan Nor Haslin Raja Khairul Anuar graced Li's home.

me? terkepit di tengah2 sebagai senior clan member yang masih seorang. bila diusik-usik, ida menjawab mudah: "insya Allah bukan tahun ni..." an open answer but spurting a fresh gossip abuzz: NexT YeaR!

no pressure.

.

.

.

...

kalaulah...

kalaulah...............

em, Abang, tolong sambung statement ni bleh?

~ sambung kemudian la. mak dah panggil tu, kena picit kaki dia yg lenguh.

yup! selain daripada menjadi pegawai dapur, saya juga reprise role saya sebagai banker dan masseuse.

lucky Abang, kan? should that he ever consider to overlook the fact that i'm part neurotic :p

Tercipta Untukku - Ungu

menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu

membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku

mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah

saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

banyak kata

yang tak mampu kuungkapkan

kepada dirimu

reff:

aku ingin engkau slalu

hadir dan temani aku

di setiap langkah yang meyakiniku

kau tercipta untukku

sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu

hadir dan temani aku

di setiap langkah yang meyakiniku

kau tercipta untukku

meski waktu akan mampu

memanggil seluruh ragaku

ku ingin kau tau

kuslalu milikmu

yang mencintaimu

sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu

hadir dan temani aku

di setiap langkah yang meyakiniku

kau tercipta untukku

meski waktu akan mampu

memanggil seluruh ragaku

ku ingin kau tau

kuslalu milikmu

yang mencintaimu~

-> lagu ni terngiang-ngiang di telinga sekarang. tatkala teringatkan seseorang...

hari ni someone called me up from Sarawak, looking for him. hmmm... did i miss something here, dearest Abang? since when did these people associate me as the link when they missed u, may i ask?

but truthfully, even though it felt a bit awkward as i don't think i gave any indication whatsoever to make them think so, it made me miss u dreadfully more than i could possibly could.

a quip comes to mind: where art thou, romeo?

it makes me smile despite myself :)

riuh rendah part 1

hari ni menjelang 3 hari lagi sebelum majlis walimah kak dan li... umah dah tak macam umah lagi. sorak sorai kanak2 especially kiyom, adam dan salma jadi penyeri. bila adik2 pulau rusa datang, lagi la riuh. berkejar-kejaran mcm zaman muda kitorang dulu.. hai.... kekadang tu serabut gak, lagi rindu kepada home no.7 jadinya... takperla.. lama2 nanti bila sorang2 akan rindu pada riuh rendah ini lagi.

em, bercakap pasal rindu, time kemas2 almari tadi terjumpa surat2 lama time matric dulu. surat lady d, surat aja, surat mek, surat kawan2 lain, bday card yg momsie kasik... dan surat MJr. hmmm... terus teringat peristiwa yg dikisahkan dalam surat tu. pendek je. sekeping. semuka je tapi padat dan sarat dengan maksud yg boleh difahami. tetiba je jadi rindu kepada seorang sahabat itu. hmmm, memang saya mengaku, saya sayang dan sangat menghargai kenangan dan persahabatan saya dengan MJr. pasal walau apapun yang terjadi, pada saya, dia seorang yg sangat sabar dan understanding. mudah utk bercerita, dia setia mendengar. never to reprimand me and my bluestockingness.

back then in year 2003, i did wrote a story on us, enumerating the paths that we've taken together and apart. tetapi citer tu dah hilang ke mana ntah.. macam hilangnya seorang sahabat tu dari hidup saya utk seketika.

so today, i called him, just to invite him over time kenduri kak nanti. itupun kalau dia balik la. tetiba je rasa rindu dengan kawan2 time muda2 dulu. kawan2 sama bergaduh dan sama2 jatuh sayang, ahaks!

kata orang, cinta pertama itu sakit, tapi mampu mengundang senyum sumbing di kala tua. ida rasa umur ida dah constitute sebagai tua-mua macam yg Abang usik ida di kelab warisan hari tu. so, that's why ida tersenyum sorang2 sambil menaip blog ni. teringat pranks kitorang time form 3 dulu. banyak! tapi yg sweetnya, bila teringat kitorang sama2 naik bas balik sekolah. MJr often termed me as a freak, weird, i think. i still am a weird person, i think. my values and ideals are still different :)

anyway, we got to talking and he asked me, "when are YOU getting married?"

jokingly i replied, "saya tunggu awak la."

dia melawak, "bila masa saya suruh awak tunggu saya? awak silap orang ni.."

i just laughed it off and kept talking about other matters. MJr will always be my fren. titik. sayang saya akan sentiasa ada utk dia tapi buat masa ni, saya rasa selesa utk terus menyayangi Abang.

utk berharapan yang keselesaan saya itu akan berpanjangan. hmmm... when i think of it, being with Abang makes me grown up. teringat time when he drove me home for the first, and the last time, i felt the comfort of having him in charge. caring. sighhhhh...

and there was the time when Abang brought me along to Istana Melawati for jamuan teh diraja sempena kemerdekaan. i felt that i belong. memang time tu macam haywire, that i still don't know that i longed for that intimacy with someone that's him, the obnoxious, yet adorable person :p

when did i accept the truth that i love him, so very much?

i lost count. i lost control. i lost my heart.

only to be left in limbo. res ipsa loquitur, kata Abang.

apa lagi yang mampu dilakukan utk ida zahirkan realiti yg Abang mampu fahami: hati ini hanya milik dia seorang. rasa segila ini di kala ida tenang utk menilai segala, he's the only person i wish.......

cuma sesekali rasa rebellious, i did things that somehow, made him feel i am a loose person. an outrageous flirt. ye ke?

kata orang, kalau kita masih tak dapat kenal orang dan menilai perilakunya, kita masih perlu lebih berusaha.

saya rasa, saya masih kurang mengenal orang yg saya sayangi dan bercadang untuk sehidup semati. saya rasa saya perlu lebih berusaha utk lebih tabah mengenali dia. tanpa perlu kata2 romantis, tanpa perlu perlakuan di luar batasan. sekadar belajar utk lebih menghormati privasi dia dan menerima seadanya seperti ketentuan Allah jua.

hmmm... di rumah masih ada sisa riuh rendah. hati saya pun riuh juga. mengenangkan seorang insan yang jauh di sana. moga doa saya utk dia dikabulkan Allah jua.

Amin.

em, hari ni saya memasak utk dinner 3 famili. wuishh.. licin. saya rasa saya pandai masak la jugak. tadi spageti saya jadi idaman ramai di waktu tengah hari. maghrib tadi, ayah dan adik2 makan nasi panas berlauk daging kicap dan sayur harikiri sampai menjilat jari. dengan rasminya saya dan minkus dilantik menjadi tukang masak keluarga selama 3 hari ni. hmmm :) even mak jah dan mak nah makan pun bertambah :p mak pulak mengejek, agaknya lapar kot yang menyebabkan dia rasa masakan saya sedap.

aduhai.. saya rindu utk masak di home no.7. terbayang insan tersayang ada utk makan dinner sama2. tapi... itu angan2 semata-mata. saya tau, Abang mesti suka kalau saya pandai masak kan?

saya sangat pandai masak. tapi in the vein of campak-mencampak arts :)

hai... rindunyer!

a fave song~ the roof by Mariah Carey

It wasn't raining yet
but it was definitely getting a little misty on
That warm November night
And my heart was pounding,
My inner voice resounding,
Begging me to turn away
But I just had to see your face
To feel alive

And then you casually walked in the room
And I was twisted in the web
Of my desire for you
(And I was twisted)
My apprehension blew away
I only wanted you
To taste my sadness
As you kissed me in the dark

Chorus:
Every time I feel the need
I envision you caressing me
And go back in time
To relive the splendor of you and I
On the rooftop that rainy night

And so we finished the Moet and
I started feeling liberated
And I surrendered as you took me
In your arms
I was so caught up in the moment
I couldn't bear to let you go yet
So I threw caution to the wind
And started listening to my longing heart

And then you softly pressed your lips to mine
And the feelings surfaced I'd surpressed
For such a long time
(And I was lifted)
And for awhile I forgot
The sorrow and the pain
And melted with you as we stood
There in the rain

Every time I feel the need
I envision you caressing me
And go back in time
To relive the splendor of you and I
On the rooftop that rainy night (x2)

Last night I dreamed that I
Whispered the words I love you
And touched you so very
Subtly as we were kissing goodbye
(Pretty baby - how I'm missing you)

Every time I feel the need
I envision you caressing me
(Envision you caressing me)
And go back in time
(I go back)
To relive the splendor of you and I
On the rooftop that rainy night
(on the roof that rainy night)

Every time I feel the need
(When I feel the need)
I envision you caressing me
(I envision you over and over and over again)
And go back in time
To relive the splendor of you and I
(It was oh so sweet, you and I)
On the rooftop that rainy night
(on that rainy night)

Every time I feel the need
(Last night I had the strangest dream...)
I envision you caressing me
(It was actually quite symbolic...)
And I go back in time
(As I whispered that I loved you)
to relive the splendor of you and I
(...very subtly)

(Chorus)

saya mimpi semalam

selamat hari raya Qurban...

moga kalian semua bahagia di sana. saya di sini, Alhamdulillah. penat tapi rasa lebih tenang dari biasa. mungkin juga saya rasa bahagia.

semalam tidur lewat lagi. after 2am baru la kitorang usai berborak dengan ayah. melawak pasal kondisi rumah kitorang yang semakin berkembang everytime ada ahli keluarga kehormat. ayah plan nk tambah extension lagi... hmmm, lama2 nanti bleh la mak bukak bed n breakfast kat umah ni, siap buat nombor bilik lagi :p up till now, kitorang dah ada 10 bilik tidur rasmi. plus 8 bilik air. not bad, huh? given 5 years from now, heh! mau balik nanti tak kenal rumah sendiri :p

semalam saya mimpi. bercinta-cintaan sama orang yg saya sayang. kelakar kan. saya sangat banyak nk bercerita dengan dia, nk share apa yg berlaku dan kongsi kegembiraan yg ada. tapi saya cuma layak utk buat spend masa dengan dia cuma dalam mimpi semata. walaupun hari ni hari raya, saya tak mampu utk telefon dan beritahu betapa saya happy dapat mimpi saya bersama dengan dia dan membuatkan dia senyum bersama saya. sebaliknya, saya cuma mampu sms 'selamat hari raya'. itu je. sedangkan semalam, panjang sungguh citer saya dengan dia. walaupun sekadar dalam mimpi.

kata orang, mimpi itu extension kepada keinginan dalam kita yg tak pernah kita zahirkan. mungkin jugak. walaupun saya tau, telinga kalian tentu dah berdarah mendengar betapa saya rindukan dia.

orang kenal miss shahidah as someone serious, uptight and particular. the truth is, i could be humourous, laidback and daredevilish. relaxed, even. last night, i let go of my cool, calculating exterior and become someone i really am, underneath it all.

teringat lagu shakira, underneath yr clothes:

You're a song
Written by the hands of god
Don't get me wrong cause
This might sound to you a bit odd
But you own the place
Where all my thoughts go hiding
And right under your clothes
Is where I find them

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

Because of you
I forgot the smart ways to lie
Because of you
I'm running out of reasons to cry
When the friends are gone
When the party's over
We will still belong to each other

(Chorus)
Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

I love you more than all that's on the planet
Movin' talkin' walkin' breathing
You know it's true
Oh baby it's so funny
You almost don't believe it
As every voice is hanging from the silence
Lamps are hanging from the celing
Like a lady to her good manners
I'm tied up to this feeling

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey
(Repeat chorus)

hmmm.. macam appropriate plak, kan? sometimes, i'm amazed by the trips taken by my runaway mind when i don't bother keeping reins. i'm notty, i think.

mimpi semalam. tentang harapan. tentang doa. tentang perasaan.

ida tak mampu untuk buat lebih dari mampu ida. bila segalanya dah res ipsa loquitur, ida jadi kaku dan kelu.

ida jadi bisu. hati ida beku. sedangkan mimpi semalam, ida masih remaja, ada ingin dan kekuatan untuk bercinta.

untuk ketawa dan jadi tolol -silly- kerana dapat bersama-sama meluangkan masa bersiar-siar dan menghayun tangan orang tercinta. macam kanak-kanak.

hari ni,

ida tak tahu ida akan mimpi lagi macam semalam. ida rasa, ida penat mengejar bayang2... ida tahu, bila ida dah bertekad utk keseorangan, tekad tu akan diuji berbagai sampai membuatkan ida terbuai utk berduaan.

so how... penat utk sekadar bermimpi. utk berharap. utk segala-galanya yg tak pasti dan tak mungkin berlaku. kekadang terfikir mudahnya jadi seseorang lelaki. boleh buat keputusan utk teruskan hidup, buat pilihan dan deal with that, betul atau salah.

ida? sekadar seorang perempuan yg menunggu dan menunggu. penat.

penat.

penat sangat.

kata imam tadi, allah akan mengabulkan doa seorang muslim utk saudaranya jika doa yang baik itu dirahsiakan dari sesiapa.

dearest God...

please keep me sane.

hati saya rindu

usah ditanya saya rindu siapa.

nanti air mata saya bergenang. awak suka ke kalau air mata saya menitik satu-satu?

em, adik saya, li udah selamat diijabkabul dengan insan yg dia sayang. alhamdulillah, walaupun kakjie si ibu meroyan mengatakan saya layak mencapai tahap si kakak merana langkah bendul, saya rasa saya tak sedih atau hiba sebagaimana time abang kawin dengan kak su dulu. agaknya pasal kebergantungan tu kurang. benda yg takde bila takde lagi, takkan dirindui.

a sad, unhappy cold truth. saya masih sayang dia si adik saya. cuma... buat masa ni, let's wait and see first, shall we?

saya rindu home no.7~ walaupun kat losong ada ramai orang yg disayangi, time-time camni la saya rasa saya nk bersunyi-sunyian melayan perasaan. saya rasa saya nk bersenang-lenang menghirup nescafe panas melayan astro dan melepak di sofa baru saya yang berwarna putih di kala hujan turun, membasahi balkoni home no.7-

huhu. banyak benda yg kita ingin, kita perlu dan kita nak yg kita sukar dapat, kan?

saya harapkan hidup saya bebas dari fikiran negatif. dari prasangka. tapi pada saat ini, memang tak lepas.

saya harap perkara baik yg berlaku pada saya dapat dikongsi bersama dengan orang lain tanpa menimbulkan rasa iri, meluat dsb.

saya harap.

saya tahu, banyak harapan terkulai akan menyebabkan saya hilang semangat untuk terus berharap. sedangkan saya tau, saya kena terus bersemangat untuk memastikan saya terus hidup.

awak faham, kan?

betapa hati saya rindu. akan kebebasan. akan ketenangan.

rindu akan ruang sendiri. tapi bagi bulan ini, saya kena korbankan kepentingan diri dan shut out, block semua rasa yg gila.

ya. saya rindu. tapi saya tahu, itu semua dunia semata-mata, kan?

macam bagus, plak!

tadi lagu  usah diragui bergema kembali. saya rindu itu lagu. sentimental.

mental. as in mentally disturbed, i presume?

em, rindu la nk membaca buku citer.

saya juga rindu seorang manusia. tapi saya rasa, hidup saya masih jauh utk saya habiskan merindui seseorang yang tak pernah kisah jatuh bangun saya.

kelakar kan. hidup ni macam roda. sekejap di atas, sekejap di bawah.

buat masa sekarang, mudah saya nyatakan, saya rindukan teman saya di kala suka dan duka. Dialah peneman saya.

moga-moga Dia dan saya akan tetap setia.

hati saya rindu.

-> agaknya nilah post paling obscure, kan?

usah diragui - siti nurhaliza

Sayang

Di mataku diriku

Siapapun daku

Usah diragui

Usah curigai

Hati ini

Sayang

Kita pernah bicara

Pada suatu ketika

Tentang cita - cita

Tentang hari muka

Tentang cinta

Chorus:

Ku masih jua

Seperti dulu

Putaran Waktu

Tak merubah hatiku

Terhadapmu

Sayang

Sesungguhnya kutahu

Bukan mudah bagimu

Semua yang berlaku

Akan mengujimu

Mengujiku

Apa terjadi

Usah ragui

Hati ini

Ulang chorus

Usah ragui

i bleed it out~

sakit kepala. migrain. fenin. pressure high.

these few days, memang byk benda... on saturday, driven to melaka. on sunday, drove back to putrajaya. on monday drove home to terengganu. on tuesday, will drive to n fro kb

the drive back to terengganu today was h3llish. sakit kepala. migrain. fenin. pressure high. from the start till the end of the journey. it's already 12.30, a long journey already, and my head is thumping, i still couldn't sleep.

bleed it out, please.

alhamdulillah, rasa happy!

yeay! yeay!

first of all, congrats to DD on your new baby :)

now, walaupun tugas menyediakan surat mintak kelulusan tambahan pingat masih di jemala dan perlu diselesaikan segera by this afternoon, alhamdulillah, the bubbly feeling of happiness is here, insya Allah to stay.

semalam rasa penat sangat. all the jet lag is catching up on me. after medsyam dropped lin and me off at my apartment, balik umah terus rasa segala kepenatan fizikal dan emosi selama 2 bulan lepas. all the imsonia, pressure, guilt etcetera. rasa syukur pada tuhan kerana dapat bertahan selama lepas. walaupun ada masa rasa macam lemah, diberi-Nya kekuatan utk pull everything off nicely and appropriately.

ptk semalam macam ada rasa sukar gak. cuma bab jk pembukaan tender tu rasa macam konfiden sangat pasal memang ida penah chair 2 jk pembukaan tender tu last month.

and a nice thing to note that my peacekeaping boon is accepted by Abang. dapat ruang untuk bertegur sapa after exam ptk tu.. hidup kami begitulah... tak parallel. tak dapat memahami sebaiknya pada saat tu, kena step back, analyse, baru bleh step forth and react. pasal mudah rasa sensitif. dan kena ada rasa tolak ansur. ada kena mengalah. kena empati. kena macam2 la.. hmmm, note to self: this pseudo-relationship is teaching me on how to be a better person. really! pasal jadi lebih matang dalam menangani perasaan sendiri dan berkelakuan.

punca berkecil hati tu mudah je. Abang sent me an email, in addition to other matters that he shared, he informed me that he'll be having his ptk on 12th and 13th. maybe he expected me to response appropriately, yet, because of too many works, i failed to log on and read his email.

bila ida call, dia macam mengelak after mentioning his email. masa ni dah terasa terhenyak dan sedikit tertanya-tanya: emel apa ni?

then, masa panik malam before ptk umum, sms him to ask about the syllabus. sampai sudah tak balas... terasa lagi tapi disimpan sendiri. i had too much to concentrate that time.

on the 12th morning, tengah2 semak nota before exam, ternampak kelibat Abang di depan sana, tengah borak2 dengan kawan2 satu batch dia. hati rasa ... berhiba, kata orang tua-tua. tapi ditelan jua agar dapat fokus pada kerja. tak sepatah kata dikongsi, not even a smile walau, in a slip of event, ida kena pindah duduk meja diagonally behind Abang. not even a word, a glance or a sign of recognition. after exam, berlalu gitu je, as if kita tak kenal dan tak pernah share apa2.

terhenyak. bila join lin utk greet kawan2 yang berbagai gaya, ada yg hensem, ada yg bertambah hensem, ada yg stil maintain..., di hujung hati, terasa kosong. bila nampak Abang keluar dari building exam, ida time tu dengan lin tengah borak with sharhan, naeman, arman, hazeman dll... with just a accusatory glance, Abang walked away pass us. leaving in a moody countenance.

dan hati ida...

salah ida ke kalau Abang salah anggap yang ida suka main-mainkan lelaki? ada ramai kawan2 lelaki? salah ida ke?

Abang ada ramai kenalan perempuan. klien Abang perempuan-perempuan yg cantik manja bergaya. kawan2 Abang semua cantik bijak pandai. staf2 Abang ramai yang cantik manis bersopan.

Ida dah belajar untuk terima kenyataan tu. biarlah, in fact, i can take that in a stride, bleh ketawa dan buat jokes on that.

tapi bila everytime ida berkomunikasi dengan lelaki lain di depan Abang, i got THE third degree.

ikutkan rasa hati, nak marah sangat.

tapi once ida balik kat ofis dan bukak email: ... aduhai, hati yg marah jadi sejuk balik. i AM putty, thankyouverymuch.

miscommunication is rampant. kadang2 nk je walk up and shake him to his senses: "i l*ve YOU, demmit!"

tapi of course la, tak penah dibuat orang, :)

anyway, back to topic, dalam rasa ... tu, ida sms n email balik. being the one yang apologize. takpe la, merendah diri tak bermakna kita kurang. ida mengaku ida silap pasal mudah sangat terasa pastu ego gak cam dia.

and alhamdulillah, masuk exam paper khusus dengan conscience yang clear dan tenang. nampak Abang pun ceria dan ok je. after exam before klua dewan dapat bertegur sapa sikit sebanyak before berlalu dengan lin and medsyam to taman warisan.

kekadang nk share apa yang ida rasa: penat, sedih, marah, happy ~ every single thing. tapi ida akur, ida bukan mempunyai sesiapa yang memang betul ida punya. susah senang ida, telan sendiri or share kat sini.

macam2 dah berlaku bulan lepas. apa yang terjadi dengan kak lily, masih tersemat di hati. rasa terkilan kerana terputusnya satu perhubungan... kerana ida gagal utk kawal perasaan diri, gagal utk buang Abang jauh ke tepi, gagal...

berapa kali ida doa agar dibukakan jalan untuk melupakan Abang, untuk tidak melukakan hati orang lain... untuk dikurniakan insan lain yang lebih redha untuk ida terima dan terima ida seadanya. banyak kali.

kekadang tersenyum bila ingatkan komen adik2 housemate minkus: "kekda takde boyfren lagi ke? tak percaya la!" atau yang sewaktunya. siap tanya bila kekda nk kawin la apa la...

hati ida tersentuh. rasa nk tersenyum gak pasal these lovely adorable girls deem me suitable as a wife material. that i should belong to someone worthy. farah, umu, maklang (ja), yani, pipah dll : thanks ek. kekda appreciate the sentiment immensely :)

takpelah.. dah tertulis begini. bila kita sangat suka seseorang, dia gagal untuk menghargai. balasan kepada diri kot, hahaha.. zaman dulu saya sangat serius, sombong! tak tau apa itu lelaki dan sangat tak pandai define perlunya kaum Adam kat dunia ni :p

sekarang saya dah macam paham2 sikit kot. walau apa yang berlaku, ida optimis. i am a good person. fair and just to my subjects and everyone else. walaupun orang tu dah lukakan hati ida, ida masih mampu cari reason kenapa dia bertindak begitu.. dan ida belajar jadi pemaaf. dan jadi orang yang berlapang dada walaupun di keliling, masing2 happy dengan famili masing2.

in my life, ever since i was a kid, i dreamt of my own. tak pernah bermimpi utk berjawatan tinggi atau berharta kaya raya.

cuma sekadar impian dan angan2 utk ada famili dan anak2 sendiri, tenang, sihat, selamat dan bahagia. a family.

my own.

kekadang sentimental lagi, kan.. orang bleh salah anggap kita memacam. yang penting, kita tau diri kita sendiri. tahu hati kita yg dalam macam mana. suci dan bersih, kotor dan jelek, hanya Tuhan yang mampu menilai.

em, duit RM6k dah masuk. alhamdulillah. terfikir-fikir nk buat apa. dah langsaikan hutang kad kredit tadi. rasanya kena bayar sikit lagi utk lepas bayar duit shoping furniture lepas ni. pastu nk jelaskan RM1,750 utk legal fees in finalising home a3.3. yang tertangguh. call ayah utk inform dia on that. alhamdulillah dia rasa lega sikit. kesian ayah... banyak sikit tanggungan kewangan dia utk akhir tahun ni. dah dapat tanggung bayar legal fees pun dah ok...

alhamdulillah, saya dah ada rumah saya sendiri sebagai harta peribadi. lepas ni kena declare harta baru la. :)

see.. even though Abang tak pernah consider saya layak utk dia sayangi, saya masih menerima kasih sayang yang dalam dari orang2 lain di sekeliling kita.

cuma ye la, being a romantic person, kita masih harap yang kita dapat memiliki hati seseorang, dapat share hidup kita dengan dia, dapat sehidup semati dengan dia, kan?

buat masa ni, saya belum serius memikirkan the big M word in association with Abang. i mean, we are practically not an item yet. pseudo-relationship semata. tak pernah ada kata2 apapun dari pihak di sana. not even after kak lily left.

it's just that when i glimpsed ahead, i foresaw that i could flourish much better if he is my Someone. and that he will have A LOT that he bargained for if he decides that i'm worth his hand. don't blame me, i bring luck and good fortune to people i love, hahaha...

so there. don't despair. life is ahead. i am happy. i have love in my life and i have forgiveness and perseverence.

i have love.

gvdlak (>'0'<)

already 1 am and my brain is wheezing from the overdose of caffeined glucose drink and overloaded information. tomorrow paper khusus dan masih ada 3 topik besar yang belum dikaver sepenuhnya.

ada rasa cam pening pun ada. nasib baik lin teman utk study. bleh gak bertahan sampai ke pagi saMBIL diskas potential questions. know what, i really am looking forward to finishing off this beautifully. it is something i need to concentrate fully on, in order to improve myself and gain knowledge. it's a rather personal quest.

wish us luck, k! got something to share but i guess, biarlah berlalu dulu.

Abang, gud luck~ nanti bicara panjang2 once everything is cleared. i think, we've left so much to res ipsa loquitur. sometimes, it's not good. not good at all.

pagi ni-

dah dua malam tido awal utk cover energy balik after perpindahan rumah and the heyho of office transfer.

ya. hidup kitorang sefamili dah haywire, tension is taut. time is against us. time ni la kalu tersilap cakap bleh jadi punah segala mender. aduhai.. kalu le time ni ida bleh take a break and rush home to help. what with kakjie having a miscarriage last week. semalam masa call, masih di hospital wif salimah. ...

byk dugaan kan?

moga allah berikan kekuatan, kematangan, kesihatan dan kesabaran kepada kami. satukanlah hati kami sekeluarga dalam kemudahan, dalam kesukaran...

sayang mak. moga dipermudah Allah segala urusan kita jua~

ingat kisah2 lama~

sometimes, menyemak coretan dulu2 tu penting supaya muhasabah diri seadanya.

hari ni, alhamdulillah. beban selama dua minggu ni terasa kurang sikit. ayahanda dah extend my transfer to feb next year. walaupun tanggungjawab bintang masih ada di jemala ini dengan constraint masa yang amat, i feel thankful, ada rasa dihargai oleh somebody yg tau peripentingnya ida diberi masa utk melunaskan perancangan strategik ida di sini. time kasih, dato'!

i am a loyal person. insya Allah tahu menghargai kepercayaan orang. teringat term encik shahrir dulu, i am of Kamikaze type. a brand of officer yg blh pegi to the extreme if the loyalty to the boss is well-earned.

tak kisahlah sub cam kurang senang dengan ida sekarang. ida buat apa yang ida mampu. ida cuba seadanya ida. dalam keadaan komitmen personal masih dalam kawalan, ida boleh beri sepenuh kudrat dan kelebihan yg allah beri pada ida.

hari ni hari jumaat. seperti biasa, ida rindu mak sangat hari ni. semalam dia cam takde mood nk bercakap panjang. dah mengantuk agaknya. semalam pegi jenguk ami di pj with ayin. a treat to us after sibuk menguruskan hidup masing2 berasingan. insya allah next week bila masuk gaji nak bawak diorang pegi bergumbira somewhere nice. janji hari tu nk bawa ayin pegi zoo negara. know what, we should go more often to visit muzium negara, zoo, tugu negara dll because it's still there for us. i admit, dah dua kali pegi tugu negara utk duty, tapi rasanya tak sama macam pegi utk belajar pasal history. tentang perjuangan dulu.

i feel patriotic these days. sentimental. maybe pasal utk move forward, we must appreciate our past and work harder to improve and sustain the glorious legacy.

ayin,

moga dah ok dari kurang sihat badan. rasa tak tenang bila fikir ayin demam sorang2 kat umah. makan pun tak tentu ( saya memang kakak yg kurang baik :( ) get well soon, dear!

pagi yg mendung

hari ni mendung. macam petang semalam.

bila dapat msg from someone significant, terasa bersalah. rasa powerless. rasa sedih. seakan ternyata kita takkan dapat apa yg kita nak, lebih2 lagi melibatkan hati orang lain yang di luar kawasan kita.

kakak, saya minta maaf byk. saya harap kita dapat terus berkawan baik. pasal dlm hidup ni, tidak ada satu pun perkara yg masti kecuali mati. apa yg kita rancang pada hari ni, belum tentu akan jadi nyata. utk buang semua yg baik... sayang.

dearest,

semalam i got a wake up call. in so many ways. what with a pseudo-paparazzi stalking me for a photo ( macam kelakar je bila ingat balik. embarassing giler ). ayin yg kesejukan dan kebosanan di alamanda menunggu ida balik keje. Kesiannya adikku itu.....

apapun, hidup mesti terus. byk benda yg kita tak expect berlaku, boleh berlaku. and i, am ever humble to accept whatever there is for me.

insya Allah.

so many things to share, so little time to spare

alhamdulillah, semalam home no.7 telah dirasmikan bersama ayinku yg baik.. ( saya sangat bertuah ada adik yang sebaik ahmad shakirin. terima kasih byk2! kak ida sayang awak sangat, walaupun kekadang awak sangat kelakar membuatkan saya rasa marah ) apapun, saya rasa setiap orang yg kenal ayin mesti rasa diorang bertuah, kan?

thanks also to encik jamal and yob yg telah berpeluh2 membantu kitorang clear apartment b1.6~ dah jadi padang tekukur except for bilik ayah yg stil ada menyimpan barang hantaran kawin kak.

lepas clear everything, kitorang makan kat mamak p9. kalu tak silap, tu port echah n kengkawan. tapi semalam tak nampak diorang pun? agaknya everyone is moving in their own space :)

apapun, sangat lega pasal moving home dah settle, sekarang ni tengah fikir camne nk fill it in so it'd be like a real home. i'm so-so flat broke right now :(

these are the costs incurred:

1. deposit sewa kuarters kelas g - RM 150
2. deposit tnb - RM 163
3. deposit syabas - RM 130
4. mati stem surat perjanjian - RM 10
5. moving labour + makan2 - RM 120
6. getting a new, personal space - priceless!

chewwah.. cam iklan mastercard laks :) paperpun, memang banyak belanja yg kena settle. as to find and furnish my home supaya ada rupa macam rumah orang dan bukan macam stor barang semata. yup. i'm brimming with ideas, yet, so steep in the pockets.

nasib.

alhamdulillah, bila pindah ke rumah baru, rasa happy dan berlapang dada dengan perpindahan ke tempat baru. semalam, semasa buat reflection, teringat perjalanan hidup semacam batu bergolek. a life as a real ptd :) jack of all trades, my dear. i'm one of them. hopefully by year 2037, ada citer, a life journal yg boleh dikongsi bersama my kids and new generation.

2005 : lapor diri di SPMPA, BIUPA - in charge pentadbiran seksyen dan jadi officer JPM for persidangan antarabangsa

2006 : lapor diri di SIP, BIUPA - in charge pentadbiran unit and desk officer bintang persekutuan

2007: lapor diri unit jemaah menteri.

2008 dan seterusnya: we'll see...

alhamdulillah. that's something kan? terasa cam nak quote res ipsa loquitor je, hahahah..

tu jer. my time is running out. it's surreal, sometimes. but i am thankful that Allah loves me so much. through Him, people find it worth their while to endure me :)

emm.. blood rushing to my face. the reason: unexpected visitor, checking out my protege', as suggested ( and he scoffed my suggestion at first. elleh! ). sukati Abang la. asal happy udah.

saje jer buat orang angau kat opis. baru je nk fokus, dah berterabur balik. siap tegur orang pasal my general statement on this transfer. darling, i've become adjusted with the fact that i AM blessed. can we move on?

sayang Abang.

:)

res ipsa loquitur

this morning, Abang gave me something to study: res ipsa loquitur. mentang-mentang ada legal background, statement dia mudah jer. res ipsa loquitur. aduhai..

anyway, ida wiki-wiki, paham la sikit legal meaning-nyer. ini dalah contoh keterangan prinsip statement 'the thing speaks for itself':

• For instance, plaintiff Doe is injured when an elevator he has entered plunges several floors and stops abruptly.
• Jane's Corporation built, and is responsible for maintaining, the elevator.
• Doe sues Jane, and during the proceedings, Jane claims that Doe's complaint should be dismissed because he has never proved, or for that matter even offered, a theory as to why the elevator functioned incorrectly. Therefore, argues Jane, there is no evidence that they were at fault in the incident.
• The court may hold that Doe does not have to prove anything beyond the fall itself.
• The elevator evidently malfunctioned (it was not intended to fall nor is that a proper function of a correctly functioning elevator), and Jane was responsible for the elevator in every respect, so Jane's Corporation is responsible for the fall.
• The thing speaks for itself: no further explanation is needed to establish a prima facie case.

as for contoh kegunaan dalam argument:

"There is a prima facie case that the defendant is liable. They controlled the pump. The pump was left on and flooded the plaintiff's house. The plaintiff was away and had left the house in the control of the defendant. Res ipsa loquitur.

ewwah. cam happy plak dapat belajar satu benda baru. :D

apapun, walau terfikir kenapa Abang replied "Res ipsa loquitur" to my notes for him, as of what does that answer implies to what context, ida tak tahu.

macam blur sket. that's the case when i don't know what the thing speaks for. apakah? apakah??

kan best kalau that THING speaks for itself LOUD and CLEAR. baru saya paham dan jelas. baru la bleh res ipsa loquitor.

comprender?

-saya sangat suka belajar pasal bahasa, time kasih-

before the night ends~

it's nearly 1 am and i'm finishing up to go home for a new day tomorrow. hopefully everything will be okay.

chech: harap semua selamat.

echah: my best wishes are always with u.

minkus n ayin : i love u guys so much! tuhan je yang tahu. if i can give the world to repay yr love for me, i would.

mak n ayah: ida terkenang dan rindukan kalian. moga bahagia, damai dan tenang di sana.

Abang: ... sometimes, the best feelings, the most touching words are better left inside. moga Allah mendengar doa ida dan sampaikan ke dalam hati Abang.

dearest God,
Thank you. thank you. thank you. i will be ok, i know You will always keep me safe. You will always love me. Always.

Alhamdulillah.

hari ni dan semalam...

hari ni,

mengemas rumah sampai ke petang. minkus n ayin ada sekali. ringan sikit beban. ada la progress. kalu kira, sejujurnya, ida memang takde skil, kekuatan dan bakat mengemas barang utk pindah. saya sangat mudah menyisih dan membuang barang. daripada menyemak, baik kasi kepada mereka yg lebih memerlukan. kotak pakaian je dah masuk lima. apasal la pakaian yang saya ada byk sangat ek?

bangun pagi tadi, teringat kat Abang. rindu. ini adalah fenomena biasa sekarang. sikit2 teringat. sikit2 rindu. hmmmm.. kalu la orang tu ingat kat kita gak, kan? takperlah, lama2 rasa itu akan diam kembali. buat masa ni, dalam keadaan yang gawat cenggini, biarlah ia jadi semangat utk lebih kuat menjalani cabaran perubahan.

i am a normal person, after all. crazy in love :)

semalam, dalam starLRT on the way back from kl to cheras, to later proceed to nilai, meneman kak beli barang kawin, lagu 'you are not alone' bergema kembali. hati tersentuh, debaran jantung sedikit kencang, nafas tersekat-sekat di rengkung: Abang call. for pleasure, not for business. i was so happy, tapi tak dapat borak panjang. ada sedikit batu halangan bila mention perkataan kawin, even though it was phrased along in " teman kak beli barang kawin". alergik sangat pakcik ni! terus mengelak utk borak lebih panjang dgn alasan bagai.

nasib badan. :p

tak kisahlah. itu hal semalam. ida terima seadanya. lagipun, tahun 2010 lama lagi. hahahaha.. Low Pei Lee punya agakan mungkin jadi kenyataan, mesti abang sham tergelak bila ingat pasal ni. walaupun tak elok dan tak sesuai merancang, my mom had me when she's 30 years old. i think, i can accept the fact that i might only have a baby at that similar age.. boleh rasa apa yang mak rasa raising me up. it was a hellish halcyon period. i was a difficult child, thank u.

hari ni,

ida kena terima segalanya dengan hati terbuka. akan buang persepsi negatif terlalu awal terhadap semua orang. terima apa yang ada sebagai rezeki ida, tak lebih dan tak kurang. dan mesti terus gembira dan berlapang dada atas kejayaan dan kebahagiaan orang lain.

em, got to go now, byk benda tak siap lagi. malam dah lewat.

i AM tardy.