Shah's thoughts

apa yang berlaku dua hari lalu...

walaupun dah dua hari berlalu, rasa sayang kalau kenangan tak dipatri, berlakri seadanya utk ingatan di kala jauh melangkah..

on the thursday morning, rasa gelabah semacam pasal ditugaskan jd mc majlis penutup kursus prosedur kewangan. sayang sangat kursus ni, rasa happy pasal dapat kenal kakitangan dari pelbagai skim, latar belakang dan perangai. i'm lucky pasal lin apmm ada sekalik, so macam tak sunyi sangat la. bleh gelak2 mengumpat, hahaha..

kawan sama kakak2 yang dah kawin dan belum kawin. bermanja lagik tanpa kenal pangkat. i mean, i can shake off the stigma of being the officer, the one taking all the responsibilities for the organization. instead, i became a student, someone who is thirsty for knowledge. who's allowed not to know yet and learning. hopefully, bleh sambung study lagik.. in near future.

anyway, just to calm my nerves before the event, called Abang to remind him to expedite his frens' forms. and we got to inform each other of our current locations. ABANG DI KUALA TERENGGANU, available and free for a meet. hmmm :)

to quote kak za, i appeared to have swallowed a bright shining bulb, i was so happy! looking forward to go home and meet someone special there. rasa tak sabar gila pasal masa sangat suntuk. friday morning, at earliest dh kena drive back to kl. plan nk balik after zohor terus tukar, i was coming home ASAP.

the journey back home, what with heavy pouring of rain and the sluggish traffic, i was feverish to reach kt. to him.

a.n.g.a.u.

tahap gaban. kritikal. paranormal even, fufu!

after dropping my new frens, syuzi and kak na, terus ke heritage club, Abang di sana. it's almost 430pm. supposed sempat la hang out for an hour or so.

di tepi muara... i wish i could justify the feelings, the setting, the emotional haywire of the first meeting of the eyes, to the recognition and the comfortable camaraderie... but i'd be making u laugh, snicker or barf, right? so i'l keep this memory of us, to myself :)

nK tergelak gak bila teringat our playful squabble on my attire: the baju kurung. Abang commented on my choice attire, suggesting i'd better dressed like the rest of the female spectators: pants. as i showed some of them also wear baju kurung, he pointedly scoffed, asking me to compare the age of the two different groups and put myself in which group that i belong. >:p

i just smiled it off, tak dapat nk menjawab. i mean, memang ida konservatif, tua-mua and serius amat. tapi itu cuma sebahagian dari diri ida. at that particular time and place. lagipun, tak sempat balik tukar baju dari kemaman, sampai je trus jumpa Abang kat duyung. earlier on dh mintak izin mak yg sedikit reluctant to let me off with Abang. as if Abang akan bawa ida merayap-rayap tak balik umah :( dan, ida pun tahu jaga hati mak. kalu ida pakai seluar or sorok2 pakai pants, Tuhan tahu mak tak suka. ida tak suka selindung gitu. biar jujur walau telinga kan berdarah dileter mak yang tak suka anak pompuan dia pakai pants. in that case, mak pun tak suka ida dating tanpa peneman muhrim.

we talked a bit. on my relocation and stuffs. sambil menikmati angin petang. as if, hanya ada ida dan abang kat situ. chewwah!

as we're about to leave, i pointed to Abang of one particular group of young girls: comel, manis DAN berbaju kurung. hahaha. selagi boleh jawab :p 

but all in all, rasa selesa. rasa sayang. rasa manja. rasa mengada-ngada. rasa pelbagai rasa :lol:

we adjourned to have some fresh celup tepungs at the back of the airport. bcos of the shortness of time, i drove there on my own. borak dgn en zaki, driver SUK Trg yg duty utk Abang. guna bahasa sanskrit kitorang, huhu.. kesian Abang. nampak boring je. i u'stood the sentiment and behaviour too well. pasal ida pun kengkadang pun gitu gak.

as the clock chimed at six, i had to take leave. serahkan sata n otak2 kemaman yang Abang pesan, i sped off to Bukit Tumbuh to see ma, mek n tok saje n sampaikan ingin tok di bulan puasa: sata n otak2. senyum lebar je tok bila ida hulur sata. siap tanya lemang sekali. kata tok, sata kemaman kawannya lemang kijal. insya allah, tok. lain kali, k?

anyhow, they all seem more frail since last i saw them... tok sakit2 badan pasal jatuh dalam bilik air last week. nyawa tok masih panjang, insya Allah.. sebelum ni, tokkibi dan tokmi jatuh di bilik air, usia tak panjang. hati terusik bila tok cakap, umur dia panjang utk sempat jumpa ida.. harap2 tok sempat tengok ida kawin dan berumahtangga, ada anak segala. supaya tok tak risau... supaya tok bleh citer kat anak2 ida yang ida la baby mak yg paling comel dan cantik. rambut merah, kulit dan muka anak jepun. perangai baik walaupun degil. moga Allah dengar doa ida, Amin.

mek pulak sakit2 urat n sengal badan. tak tau kenapa. tak dapat ikut ida gi kl utk tolong teman masuk umah baru di putrajaya.. dia cam terkilan dan takut ida terkilan.. tapi ida ok, tak paksa.. lagipun, barang dah tak banyak ( kakji dah angkut bawak balik. sejadah sehelai pun takde :p ) ida dengan ayin je pun dah ok.

ma? rindu si minkus yg tak balik2 lagi. ma macam biasa, menyimpan rasa sendiri. ma redha dengan segala, tak pernah mengeluh. ma selalu tegur tok yang selalu berkata2 gosip segala ( ida suka dengar tok bergosip orang tua ), tapi rasanya kalau tok takde, ma la yang paling sunyi dan terasa........ mi oi, balik le. sian ke ma.

lepas solat, seperti biasa, makan nasi sesudu dua di dapur mek. teman tok berceloteh, diorang serumah berpuasa. ida memang byk mulut, sekian terima kasih. suka bergosip pasal kerja, famili n kawan2. tengok jam dah 6.40pm, terpaksa mintak diri, kena ada kat umah before mak bukak puasa, otherwise hati mak terusik.. bila pikir balik, ida spent masa sejam lebih dengan Abang. dengan ma, tok n mek yg dah jarang sangat jumpa, sekadar 30 minit... macam tak adil.

apapun, harus hargai setiap peluang yg Allah beri utk setiap orang. insya Allah, akan usaha utk lebihkan masa dengan famili lebih daripada dengan orang lain/ kerja.

family first.

speeding back, teringat mak pesan keropok keping 2 kilo. singgah tempat favret mak, dah tutup. terpaksa cari galang ganti sekilo asal mak tak terasa. yela, salah sendiri. seronok berdating sampai lupa mak. huhu.

sampai umah, mak xde, kua beli barang kat mydin ( ingatkan mak lebih suka giant :p ) sementara tunggu buka puasa. ayah pun belum balik dr main badminton. borak dengan kakjie, discuss pasal barang yg dah ditinggalkan abang wan aritu. dengar je bunyi kete, terus ready dengan air teh ( bibik yg buat, heh! ) depan pintu. kebetulan, orang azan. ye, mak saya memang pandai target bajet masa. dah turun temurun, cuma tak turun kat saya lagi :p

alhamdulillah.. Allah dengar dan makbul doa saya supaya mak lembut hati dan tak merajuk. lepas ni saya nk doa agar dapat kawin mudah sikit la. cuma dalam perkara kerja n kawin ni, saya taknak rush apa2 pasal saya tak tau buruk baiknya. it's all in a good time. bila dah ready, dah matang, dah selesa, dah boleh memikul tanggungjawab dan amanah seorang suami, baru la segalanya akan datang dengan indah dan elok. kan?

lepas teman tengok mak buka puasa dan citer sikit sebanyak pasal kursus dan dating tadi ( perkara yang fardhu saja, tak bleh detail ), naik atas untuk menjengok kawasan. budak2 secoit: adam, ikram n salma tengah berkumpul keliling abang wan: menunggu giliran potong kuku. comel. abg e tengah surf internet. lepas tu, ida take over.

tgh menaip segala, ayah balik! happy. turun bawah utk solat maghrib lambat, kena cubit dgn mak, huhu. cam klaka plak, stil kena cubit kalu buat nakal/ salah/ culas. nampak sangat sy masih kanak2 ribena.

lepas maghrib, ayh ajar adik2 lelaki mengaji. mak di bilik, mengajar sulaiman menghafaz ayat quran. ida buat ape yer? ha.. melayan sarah yg comel. hamster yang kiut. dah pandai merangkak dengan kelajuan siput.

lepas isya', makan nasi ramai2, gulai telur, asam pedas dan ikan goreng.. mulanya memang dah cakap kat mak nak makan ikan bakar tapi pasal ikan takde, cuma goreng je la apa yg ada. pastu abang e yg kuar jumpa sub-con sms-ed, suruh kitorang makan nasi lambat2 skit ( read: dia nk bawak balik lauk, yeay! ) bila abang balik, alhamdulillah, hajat hati tercapai: sotong dan ikan bakar berempah, sedapnya! mak suruh sms ke minkus n salimah pasal menu kitorang tapi ida tak sms pun, kesian. tak saje budak2 tu berjurai air mata jeles, hahahaha...

lepas makan, ayh borak2 dgn abang psl pluang kontrak kerja, ida menulis blog dan mendengar gitu2 je. alhamdulillah, sy rasa tenang dan happy. a.n.g.a.u.

then, salam dengan ayah yg nk balik ke bukit tumbuh, giliran umah mak jah malam ni. rindu sangat jumpa ayah skejap sangat. sambung blogging. bila dah lewat malam, mak panggil suruh turun tido. seperti biasa, saya imsonia. at the age of 26, saya masih tido dgn mak saya sesekala balik kampung. time nk tido tu ajak mak berceloteh. cerita pasal lamaran kabinet. pasal komen Abang on that. pasal kerja yg byk tak langsai lagi utk prepare wedding li and kak. mak termenung jap bila teringat li kawin on the 15th di melaka. sama2 gelak pasal kak dengan wedding prep dia yang memacam: kelambu la itu la ini la.. macam2. lama2 ida je bercakap sorang2.. kesian mak, dia penat sangat.

ida teringatkan Abang di sana. with prayers that everything will be as it is supposed to be, i slept and dreamt.

a sweet dream. of someone holding me close. in happiness and in sadness. cuddling. playing and entertaining the neps n nis. belonging to each other. in its truest sense.

bangun pagi dengan rasa selesa dan syukur. i am happy. utk hidup di tempat baru, i'm glad i've been initiated to 'who moved my cheese?' well, it's me, moving my own cheese :)

ida terima segala aturan allah sebaiknya.

after this memang sangat sibuk. blog dan surfing after hours or bila pressure aje. nak angau pun dah takde peluang. sekadar ini rezeki ida. semalam cam merajuk dgn Abang pasal tak angkat telefon. bila difikirkan balik, it's ok. takperlah. setakat itu yang Allah kurniakan.

dan ida sebagai hamba yang redha, patut terima seadanya.

kan?

lagu untuk Abang

Ucapkanlah kasih
Satu kata yang kunantikan
Sebab ku tak mampu baca matamu
Mendengar bisikmu

Nyanyikanlah kasih
Senandung kata hatimu
Sebab ku tak sanggup
Mengartikan getar ini
Sebab ku meragu pada dirimu

Mengapa berat ungkapkan cinta
Padahal ia ada
dalam rinai hujan
Dalam terang bulan
juga dalam sedu sedan
Mengapa sulit mengaku cinta
padahal ia terasa
Dalam rindu dendam
hening malam
cinta terasa
ada

-> this is my message ring tone. sesuai dgn mood sekarang, fufu!

rasa hati sekarang...

alhamdulillah.. i think echah's fave current song seem apt to be shared today:

You belong to Me - Lifehouse

http://youtube.com/watch?v=o0bo4a1uOzQ

see the pyramids along the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while
you belong to me

see the marketplace in old Algiers
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me

and I’ll be so alone without you
maybe you’ll be lonesome too

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it’s wet with rain
just remember till you’re home again -
you belong to me

when it seems that everyhing is lost between us, i feel complete when i'm with him. so happy and so at peace with myself.

but i can't shake off the feeling that Abang still feels doubt in me. that he's not the only one i regard fondly. his wavering faith, though never spoken of, i can tell.

so how?

when we are alone together, we can talk easily to each other. he has my full, unadulated attention. yet, when we are with other pople, he can't help but demonstrating a sense of being neglected. Abang jeles, mungkin. sulking. silent. comel :p

jealousy is good sometimes. when it is dealt positively,u realised that jealosy stems from the fact that he thinks that he owns u, and that u might have some communication issues unresolved between the two of u. ergo, in order to solve the issues, the communication knots need to be smoothen.

entahlah.. untuk terlalu terbuka dalam membisikkan cinta, S.e.G.a.N.

untuk terlalu intim dalam menterjemahkan sayang, M.a.L.u.

sedangkan nafsu dan fitrah, memang gila tapi disimpan kemas-kemas. sehinggakan Abang terasa yang ida dingin dan memainkan perasaan seorang lelaki. ye ke? agaknya memang itu rasa abang, kot?

ye ke?

mesti korang nak termuntah baca blog ida ni kan, (^^,)v ida tak tahu ida bleh jiwang sebegini. a.N.G.a.U... lebih2 lagi bila terkenang betapa ida telah rela melepaskan. membiarkan sayang itu tidak berbalas. sekarang?

hmmm. agaknya ida mati kena patah petir lambat laun kerana kalah dengan rasa sendiri. cuma sekadar terfikir, mungkin ida tak adil kerana telah membuat keputusan tanpa mengambil kira keputusan Abang.

tapi bila imbas kembali, ida jatuh cinta sorang2 pun tak ambil kira keputusan Abang gak kan?

hmmm.. dQin dah tergelak kat sebelah. cinta!- jebeknya. hmmm... tak kisahlah. orang dah tua. tak malu lagi untuk bercinta, ahaks!

but, to think of this seriously, what will i do about it, positively and constructively? tunggu Abang confess? teringat kata2 MJr dulu, zaman lama2 dulu:

"awak rasa pasal apa saya buat semua ni? macam-macam awak dah buat, saya sabar je, awak rasa pasal apa?" (lakonan semula)

camtu la lebih kurang sinopsisnyer. ida pun ingat2 lupa. cuma sentimen dan intipatinya sama.

agak2nya ida kena sabar lagi. tak terburu menafsir dan terlebih tafsir.

aii.. kalaulah manusia lebih sabar kan?

handling things positively

without much time to elaborate, i felt this restlessness lurking within. for the moment, tengah bertapak kat lobi aras 1 blok eksekutif INTIM, berwifi dengan jayanya kerana broadband maxis macam harem~

hati sebenarnya rindu nk berbicara dengan Abang. things that happened the last few days, sms mengejut dari Dato' SUB and the consequences, everything.

the first person i sms-ed on dato's decision is Abang. masa ni, rasa perlu berbicara dengan orang yg partial. ye ke Abang partial? ntah la.. ida rasa perlu keluarkan segala yang berbuku, the unfairness of the sitution~ until it hit me hard: IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

everything wil be alright, shahidah. semua tempat sama sahaja dugaannya. bukankan doa tak pernah lekang untuk dapat yang terbaik di jalan yang lurus? inilah jawapan-Nya. embrace the changes, live and deal with it positively.

orang dah izinkan ida berlalu, menjadi tanggungjawab ida settlekan dan langsaikan hutang yg berbaki. kalau tak sempat, ida still akan datang utk bantu staffs in transferring technology. hopefully ida akan ada masa utk settlekan seme tu sebelum kehadiran ida dah tak dialu-alukan lagi.'

pesan nabi: berbuat baiklah pd orang walaupun mereka gagal menilai dan bertindak seadanya.

yang penting, it's how i liv my life.

bateri dh nk abis, talk to u guys later. wish me luck~

Penatnyer hari ni~

moving out is a very stressful process. i end up being the ugliest person i'd never imagine i could still be.

like grendel of beowulf, i think.

but once i pass the ball to kakjie, i was happy again. able to function a bit more normal. like my usual self.

hari ni ida drive balik kampung dengan jayanya, non-stop except for a fuel refill at cherating. the rest, it's averagely floored to 100 kmh. i think i miss speeding dare-devillishly. teringat MJr penah tegur pasal speeding up to 160 kmh with my dear JES 3912 ( the now-ancient kancil with minkus as the proud owner ) back the time when i was still young. nowadays, i feel more responsible, careful n scaredy-cat :)

sampai umah, kebetulan ayah pun baru tutup pintu pagar. sengih je ayah tengok kitorang, agaknya lega pasal ida n ayin balik dengan selamat kot. adjust kete utk parking, it's a tad bit crowded nowadays. i think, ayah should expedite his plans to make a new garage. bleh wat parking charges skalik ;p

mak ada depan tv, melayan citer qaseh apentah, eja yg berlakon. dia penat lagi kot, malam semalam baru sampai dari kl.

masuk dapur tengok ayah masak supper: goreng keropok lekor je, buat bekal tengok arsenal lawan wigan on astro. aish.. dapur dah bercat baru, bibik dah cat hijau kat dinding. siling yg warna garish-blue that day dah bewarna oren cair. overall, nice! yup- nicely shocking :)

kat luar, dinding laman dah bercat hijau dgn orange-ish outline. furniture masih tak tersusun lagi. i think, i like the setting time raya ari tu, abang e had arranged it to be a mini cafe. tempat makan2 n order masakan panas, huhu..

naik atas, lambo ( anjung, dalam bahasa persuratan melayu ) bahagian depan dah ada skeleton sebuah bilik baru. lambo tepi, tempat budak2 ni main ps2 dah ada skeleton bilik baru gak. kata ayah, master bedroom dia pun nk buat extension, tambah almost 100 square feet lagi. peyhh! kagum sekejap. entah2 nanti balik kg, dah tak kenal umah lagik, huhu. dQin tanya ayah pasal plan nk buat bilik for each n everybody, ayah gelak! mane ade oi! penat la nk buat bilik 13 + 2. lama2 nanti bleh jadi hotel or b&b ( bed n breakfast ), hahaha.. cukuplah sekadar share mana yg mampu dulu. actually, bila dah start tambah ahli kehormat ( kawin ), keperluan utk dapat personal room tu memang kritikal. that's why ayah consider buat 2 bilik lagi. at least, kak n li ada private personal room in case diorang dan PASANGAN balik kg.

hmm.. dah nk kawin dah diorang tu ek. last week my mood was off. one of the reaasons was that becAUSE mom kept teasing me that i was off-coloured due to my singlehood. bengang la manusia. ditambah dengan stress nk settle keje before cuti, nk kejar gi sabak bernam aja kawin, nk kemas barang move out, nk settle borang n requirement quarters. rasa macam stressed to the MAX. abang lagik yg jual mahal >:p mana makcik tak off-coloured. mula la kuar perangai huduh. i mean, i was shocked at myself too. terpana sekejap. maybe perangai kak ada dalam diri ida gak. cuma raksasa grendel tu dormant je. tunggu masa.

bila meletup, rasa sesal, kesal... tapi apa yg dah disistem barter dah tak boleh refund. ida pun rasa sakit terluka, mak pun sama. bila emosi terdera, mula la mandom. penat fizikal...

sometimes, it's taxing to be a good daughter when in fact the lion inside is roaring, restless. when u used to be a best child, when u change along the time, it's hard on mothers who doted.

mak, ida minta maaf buat mak menangis. ank durhaka...... hati ni batu pasal ia terlalu lembut di dalam. cuba hidup sendiri, jauh dari smua orang. biar terasing dan terus bisu.

biar lara. asal tak melakar carik di hati org yg disayangi.

mak,

ida menyesal........................... buat air mata mak menitik. walaupun mak dh maafkn, ida tetap malu dgn diri sendiri.. rasa kesal n bersalah.

i need to hold my unquenchable temper within.

em, it's 3 in the morning. i've had a long, tiring day today. we adjourn later, k..

em.

been wanting to write something but kept holding back. sibuk sket lately.

semalam, ada masa untuk share something with someone. rindu. memang rindu. the only obstacle would be  me myself. bila jauh, rindu dipendam. bila dekat, rasa dibuang jauh2. mata bertentang tapi jiwa masih terpisah. terasing dan mengasingkan diri.

kenapa? bila orang sayang, diri tidak pandai menghargai. personal-wise and career-wise. sombong kah?

sedangkan bila sendiri, hati menangis. macam mimpi ngeri, tak dapat jerit untuk mintak tolong. bisu. tiada suara yg keluar.

diri sentiasa tersepit. antara kepentingan diri dan kepentingan orang lain. bila di sini tidak dihargai, bila ingin berlalu, teringatkan anak2 buah yang terkontang-kanting. ingatkan bos. tapi bos, bila datang angin dia, kita yg balik dimarahnya bila diberitau tentang hasrat orang nk meminang kita. sabar je la, kan? sabar, shahidah.

ida tak tau nk cakap camne lagi. i've made my bed, though it was a tough one to make. cuma ida ingat pada niat. nak pegi mekah pun dah tak tercapai dek angan n harapan, if ida ikhlas buat kerja ni, insya Allah akan diseru-Nya jua, kan? ida masih ada peri kemanusiaan. masih ada rasa simpati dan tanggungjawab pada orang yg ida sayang n ambil berat.

walaupun diorang tak paham, tak dapat nk nilai sebaiknya, Tuhan lagi tau. sepatutnya, ida pegang pada kesucian itu.

bulan ni dan bulan depan merupakan bulan yang sedikit beban. what with moving out. melepaskan kenangan di B1.6, apartment semarak~ kenangan dengan orang tersayang. of waving Abang good bye. of sharing breakfast, lunch and supper with Ayah. kesuma jiwa. of everything.. but change we must. i will change for the better. a mark of difference. lagipun, this will be my first nest in its truest sense. hmm, can't wait to decorate and organised. having new things.. ( read: pokai la )

dearest,

(i) being alone and loveless

(ii) with someone and loveless

(iii) being alone and in love

(iv) with someone and in love

i wish upon the twinkle star. i wish... i hope. and i pray.

i wish.

i wish that everything will be ok with everyone. tak kisahlah orang tak sayangkan kita, tak hargai kita dan sewaktu dengannya.

aiman tak kisah....

life is full of beautiful colors. maybe at this point, kita terasa kelabu itu menyakitkan mata, mungkin setelah kita tengok lukisan seluruhnya, kita akan sedar kelabu itulah yang melengkapkan warna-warna kehidupan kita...

cinta? sayang? dengan sepenuh jiwa. walau tak mampu terluah dengan sejujurnya, saya percaya kasih Allah ada untuk kita, walaupun siapa kita di sisi-Nya. pasal Dia itu Maha Kaya, tak terluak sedikitpun walaupun dicurah selautan ihsan-Nya..

sebagai pecinta. kekasih. hamba pada-Nya, diri harus tetap tabah menerima apa saja yg dikurniakan-Nya dengan rasa rendah jiwa, akur akan ketentuan segala.

kerana cinta.

love is not proud, they say.

Abang, take note. :)

a mere 41 nomore

all this while, i've been making excuses. a mere 41. only 2 years under my belt. yadayadayada..

yup. yadayada..

when in fact, i've grown up and out of being a mere 41. i know not much yet, but i'm getting better. i learn and i will learn. the knowledge earned will not only enrich me but it will also contribute to my establishment.

i'm OLD. kept saying that. but now i believe in it. i feel OLD and i look OLD. not much face painting these days. i don't feel like it anymore. my joy of youth has evaporated. the cynical, contaminated shell is something left. given up on romance? maybe :)

the thing  is, there is always a life forth. the choices are

(i) to stay put and get burnout;

(ii) to pick up the pieces and move elsewhere; or

(iii) to change and help my environment changes for the better

i've been reading "who moved my cheese" and though it slushed at first, i gained something from it. all these times, i kept lamenting the fact that the challenges of my working place are getting mouldy. stale. disheartening.

and as i finished the book, i thought of something. changes won't come unless i do something substantive about my life. about my work place. to keep saying that i'd quit this, something i'm good at, is something that i should not do anymore.

those that care, say that i'm better off away at somewhere else. with all due respect, i understand their care. i know that should anyone i really care about be in the same place, i'l feel the same way. yet, deep deep down i still feel that i shall stay, at least until i've achieved something. it's personal. something that i know i can do it if i wise up. optimism, yes. hope, yes. fear, yes also.

i'm afraid too. that i'd make a wrong choice by staying still. it freaks me out to fumble with my life and end up bitter. to regret. after all, no one truly appreciate how much i'd be letting go at this point by staying. everyone else is saving their bums, it doesn't matter if i got burnt. it was my choice, after all.

when i think of it, it all comes down to my true, honest intentions. why do i want to stay? i think, because this place truly needs me. at this moment, i am needed. and i need this opportunity to pick up my life and prove to myself that i am not a quitter. that i can change for the better.

i'm afraid of regretting. of having my ones say, "i told u so". of looking back at this part of my life and feel utmost regret. i am freaking out. afraid that i am doing the wrong thing, of walking in the wrong direction. i think i have the tendency of going deeper into the maze instead of cutting short and count my loss ASAP.

i did this for the greater good. i like to learn more. maybe it's not much, but i love to learn something and share it with my audience. one of the best thing that i love about my job is when i give lectures on bintang n stuffs. not that i''m so knowledgeable. it's because i get the opportunity to share something that not so many knows about. and yet, there will always be something that i can learn from them.

i think, i still have that darah perguruan going through my vein :)

i am no longer a mere 41. i'm becoming much a 48 to fill my shoes adequately. sometimes, the politics do upset me. but i must stay focus on the bigger picture. as long as i complete my workloads admirably, there must not be any passable, worthy cut-downs to be taken in from those crowds. i am myself. i know what goodness i can do. and i must tone down such negative ideas regarding people, ok?

think positive regarding others, i will. and i will continue to be better.

i am happy again, i think. i've made my decision.

the song of my heart

Invocation Mentioned During Talbiah

"O Allah!

here I am at Your service,

I respond to Your call,

O Allah!

here I am at Your service,

I respond to Your call,

You have no partner,

here I am at Your service.

All the praises and grace are due to You and all the sovereignty is (too) for You

and You have no partners with You."

-> thanks to dearest nolee.. i've found the song of my heart...

My darling father~

this jix would be a tribute to my dad.. i miss you so much, Ayah~ so much.

sejak akhir-akhir ni, after dah berumah tanpa tangga bekerja, i feel much closer to my Dad. i love each opportunity Allah bestowed upon us to just spend some time together. everytime ayah spends the time over my home, talking until late at night while watching tv, to having late supper, next to having breakfast languidly in the early morning before i go off to work, it's definitely HEAVEN.

minkus and me got to talking about ayah as we were having our kfc supper last Tuesday: how much we really love being with Ayah... minkus remarked that sometimes she resents our second mom for snatching Dad away from our family. to me, it doesn't matter anymore. things have happened as it's written.. to deplore the fact, would be useless. besides, i believe that everything happened for a reason. a good reason. will we end up the way we end up should the third person never interfere? will we?

to be grateful is the way to go now. to appreciate what little we have, yet it felt so much more... because i still have my Dad who loves us for whatever we are.

my dad's name is Sulong bin Muda. Affectionately called Tuan Haji Sulong... he's enigmatic, eccentric at times, macho, energetic, good looking, optimistic, adventurous, romantic, at times idealistic, realistic, funny and loving~

sigh.. inside, i think the reason why i haven't find any man fitting for me is because i keep waiting for someone as special as my dad. someone who can slay the dragons just by a glance, yet make you feel loved and safe whenever he's there..

so far, the one that fits my description is King Leonidas, fufu! sadly, he's just a fiction.........

i love you, Dad. and i vow i'll make u happiest. May Allah bless u always~

looking forward to having u at my new home. there'll be a big screen tv, astrosport as requested (so many times!), your dedicated recliner, your personalised bedroom and an elevator up. of course, there wouldn't be much space for carparks but we'll cross the road when we come to it, ok?

here's the jewels of my dad's eyes :)

the names:

Presiden/ CEO: Tuan Haji Sulong bin Muda

Ketua Pengarah Urusan 1 : Puan Hajah Seleha @ Noriah binti Mohd

Ahli :

1. Sakinah

2. Sajidah + Ridzuan (Kehormat) = Adam, Ikram n Sarah

3. Salman + Suhaila (Kehormat) = Salma n Suhail

4. Shahidah

5. Salihin

6. Shakirah (dec.)

7. Samihah

8. Sadiqin

9. Salimah

10. Mohd Solehuddin

11. Ahmad Saifullah

12. Ahmad Shakirin

13. Mohd Sulaiman

14. Abdullah Nurul Sabri

Ketua Pengarah Urusan 2 : Puan Khatijah binti Awang

1. Salmiah

2. Saadah

3. Sabariah

4. Safiah

5. Syuhada

6. Solehah

7. Shukriah

8. Shahirah

9. Syukri

10. Shahir

11. Shamilah

Ketua Pengarah Urusan 3 : Puan Hasnah binti Harun

1. Saidatul Akma

2. Mohd Shafiq

3. Mohd Shahrulnizam

4. Mohd Sharifuddin

5. Shafikah

6. Sa'udah

7. Mohd Syahmi

8. Sumaiyah

9. Saidatul Aqilah

10. Saidatul 'Adawiyah

if asked on their age, i might fumble a bit :p but so far, i remembered each... sayang sangat. because this is my family. which my dad has done his best to love and provide... it is not easy. and for that much, i really respect and love him.

For Ayah has given me my family.......

What i now know of Uruguay

Uruguay (Spanish: República Oriental del Uruguay; pron. IPA: [re'puβlika oɾjen'tal del uɾu'ɰwaj]) is a country located in the southeastern part of South America.

It is home to 3.3 million people, of which 1.7 million live in the capital Montevideo and its metropolitan area.

It is bordered by Brazil to the north, by Argentina across the bank of both the Uruguay River to the west and the estuary of Río de la Plata to the southwest, and the South Atlantic Ocean to the southeast. It is the second smallest independent country in South America, larger only than Suriname and the French overseas department of French Guiana.

Montevideo, its capital city, was founded by the Spanish in the early 18th century as a military stronghold. Uruguay won its independence in 1828 following a three-way struggle between Spain, Argentina and Brazil. It is a constitutional democracy, where the president fufils the roles of both head of state and head of government.

The economy is largely based in agriculture (making up 10% of the GDP and the most substantial export) and the state-sector, and relies heavily on world trade. Consequently, it is badly affected by any downturn in global prices. However, the economy is on the whole more stable than surrounding states, and it maintains a solid reputation with investors.

According to Transparency International, Uruguay is the second least corrupt country in Latin America (after Chile)[1], with its political and labor conditions being among the freest on the continent. 88% of the population are of European descent. Just under two-thirds of the population are declared Roman Catholics. However, the majority of Uruguayans are only nominally religious.

Agriculture played such an important part in Uruguayan history and national identity until the middle of the twentieth century that the entire country was then sometimes likened to a single huge estancia (agricultural estate) centred around Montevideo, where the wealth generated in the hinterland was spent, at its casco or administrative head. As another saying went, "Uruguay es la vaca y el puerto" ("Uruguay is the cow and the port").

A heartland of historic estancias: Estancia San Eugenio, Casupá, southern department of Florida.Today, agriculture contributes roughly 10% to the country’s GDP and is still the main foreign exchange earner, putting Uruguay in line with other agricultural exporters like Brazil, Canada and New Zealand. Uruguay is a member of the Cairns Group of exporters of agricultural products. Uruguay’s agriculture has relatively low inputs of labour, technology and capital in comparison with other such countries, which results in comparatively lower yields per hectare but also opens the door for Uruguay to market its products as "natural" or "ecological." Campaigns like “Uruguayan grass-fed beef” and “Uruguay Natural” aim to establish Uruguay as a premium brand in beef, wine and other food products.

Recently, an industry has developed around estancia tourism which capitalizes on the traditional or folkloristic connotations associated with gaucho culture and the remaining resources of Uruguay's historic estancias.

-> last nite during the state banquet in honour of Uruguayan president's visit to Malaysia, i had a nice chat with my dinner partner. his nickname is '27' and i am '26'. he was indeed nice, funny and pleasantly articulate :) in fact, it was him that initiated to call me '26', from my age, of course, because he couldn't catch my name at first.. and i, for the love of me, forgot his name.. i think it was andrew or somewhat. he was in charge of the Uruguayan chancery in this region.

i think i like meeting new people. during the rushed dinner experience, we managed to cover a bit of the basic background on Uruguay. and i was so ignorant :))  i got an inkling that it is nearby mexico and that they are good in soccer. but that, is as far as i know about Uruguay :}

the thing is, socializing is fun and informative. i should do it more often (^^,)t

saving myself

lately i start to realise that i haven't been responsible enough. teringat zaman mula2 masuk keje dulu, bersemangat, bertanggungjawab dan amanah. sekarang?

mungkin pasal bos dah tak hensem macam dulu? :p mungkin rasa malas menimpa, hedonis? demotivated. tak ambil kisah. complacent.

bos sekarang sangat baik. membuatkan saya beraja di hati, bersultan di jiwa. saya jadi hanyut... saya rasa saya macam bagus. walaupun saya tahu dan sedar saya kurang bagus, saya gagal keluar dari kepompong malas bertindak.

kata orang, takde siapa yg bleh mengubah kita selain dari diri kita. walau dah berbuih tuan haji menasihatkan agar datang awal, saya tetap tak dapat elak dari datang lewat. ada je yg berlaku: kunci tertinggal, hp tinggal, kete problem, jem, kurang sihat, lambat punch, macam-macam! saya tak tau kepada siapa saya dapat share betapa frust-nyer diri saya terhadap perangai diri sendiri. it just happened naturally, lambat lima  minit, lambat seminit, lambat sejam, it's like i'm losing control of my own self.

and am i going to be a guest of Allah if i am at the lowest pit of myself like this? will He call me forth? rasa sangat tak layak..... rasa macam nak pegi, merayu-rayu hati dalam nk pegi.. tapi dalam merayu tu, terasa sedar diri bukan bagus sangat. dalam hiruk pikuk dunia, Dia tahu siapa sebenarnya saya. saya kepingin mengadap-Nya, menziarah jejak kekasih-Nya, tapi saya, saya SANGAT tidak layak...

sekarang saya sedar, mungkin saya takkan dapat apa yg saya inginkan. selagi saya tak ubah sikap. mungkin tempoh masa sebulan lebih tak cukup utk saya selesaikan segala hutang saya.. utk saya buktikan pada diri sendiri yg saya LAYAK untuk terus hidup dan menikmati kemudahan yang telah Tuhan limpahkan buat saya. tapi saya akan cuba. saya akan terus cuba.

the first thing that i'd do. i'd list five vital things that i'd wish to change.

(i)  have a better time management. to be more just to the amanah given. namely: from this time forth, i'll keep a clear line  between working time, relaxing time and thinking time. blogging, surfing ptdportal, blog-hopping shall be done outside working time.

(ii) have clearer, much neater, organised environment. i shall keep my workstation, car, home organised. clearing up and keeping everything in their rightful state shall be my mission. 6S will be implemented.

(iii) organised financial management. nomore lavish expenses. i need to take extra care of my money from now on. what with spare money should there be anything i need to settle urgently.. grow up, do. be an adult from now on. be strict and firm on yourself, shahidah. u can do it. identify what's needed to be spent and what's not. think clearly. envision. shall there be any impulse to splurge, just take a deep breath and stop a second to determine whether u can afford it or not. claim money is not going to be a privilege anymore. it will be kept aside for any emergency purposes. even though ayah is so kind and ever so, so AYAH to me, i shall make him happy by proving that i can take great care of myself before he's gone...

(iv) be more assertive, focused and aware of my surroundings. i vow to be less Hem and Haw, the two 'little people'. instead, i will tune myself to be more Sniff and Scurry. not afraid of changes, always keen in doing follow-ups. sticking to my daily planner religiously and always keep track of my responsibilities. be apt, quick and thorough with my response to the clients. show good examples and be much firmer with my staffs so that they will continue to buck up with me.

(v) last but not least, i vow to be much firmer of myself. not allowing luxuries to be taken for granted. i need to be more responsible. an adult. someone like azah_hamzaid ( i miss momsie!) who knows what she wants in her future, doing good deeds for the unfortunate people even though she got to be apart from her hubby and family. like kak aida who knows how to work hard and yet have a moment to stop and enjoy life with frens and family. like encik shahrir who still persevere though life as a senior student is not easy to swallow. he perseveres. and that is what i must do. setting priorities right and sticking to it. always be aware and alive. not trudging along, taking things, taking myself for granted. i need to be ALIVE.

so there. i must save myself and not allow death to become. zombie-like when life is something too precious...

who moved my cheese?, i finally grasp the idea...

my fave song at the moment!

"Jenny" - the Click Five

She calls me baby
then she won't call me
says she adores me
and then ignores me
(Jenny, What's the problem?)

She keeps her distance
and sits on fences
puts up resistance
and builds defenses
(Jenny, Whats the problem?)

You keep me hanging on the line
everytime you change your mind

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

She needs her own space
she's playing mind games
ends up at my place
saying that she's changed
(Jenny, what's the problem?)

I'm trying to read between the lines
you got me going out of my mind

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
It's killing me
(ohh ohh ooohhhh)
Jenny

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

First you say you wont
then you say you will
you keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, you've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

It's killing me

Jenny

You Should Be A Cancer

What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood You like to pig out on: classic home cooked meals, like mac and cheese

spot on (^o^)t

bila mula malas nk buat keje

macam-macam bleh buat bila malas nk buat keje. tapi diri sendiri tau yg keje kena buat supaya tak makan gaji buta.

shahidah,

banyak lagi benda kena buat. awak masih byk kena belajar. walaupun awak dah ada satu chicken exit in the offing, kena fokus dan buat keje betul-betul jugak. jangan malas! :rules:

em, bila malas melanda, kena address the lemau by picking up work and start rolling.

life is like playing bowling, once u start rolling the ball, it could be down to longkang or u might chance a strike. the important thing is that u must pick up the ball and let it roll :)

love bug, anyone?

languidly staying at home, watching tv, a love bug bit me. made me think.

someone confided that we should make a list of the qualities in a man we want to marry. i supposed that is true somewhat. a practical way to help us from looking in the wrong places. though i think, a list might convey the wrong impression to the world. that i am choosy. idealist. demanding.

do u think i should make a list for this? i know that there are 5 fundamental factors: religion, intellect, health, wealth and lineage are what i should always look for.

religion. the most important factor. the one that will always tide us through ups and downs. no matter what happen, should there be firm spiritual enlightenment and practice, everything will be ok. termaktub: mu'min baginya mu'minah. it made me think, i am not that religious a person. regardless how i may strive to observe my religious conduct, small or big, i still have sins. secrets that people will only know when the time comes as allah reveals all. so how? how could i wish for a mu'min when i am less than a mu'minah?  people often thought that i am holier-than-thou when the fact still stands that compared to the ideal mu'minah, i do not even qualify. just because i am more spiritual than average people nowadays, i still don't have even an ounce of what God deemed as truly a mu'min.........  thus, in my list, my person needs to be more spiritual than me. he has to. because i need  him to be my leader. someone i can truly respect. inside and outside. some may scoff that even the imams and other typical spiritual leaders commit offence. i cannot deny that. but what i need is not someone who displays his spiritual awareness blatantly as a cover of his true self. my person needs not be that. it would be enough if his basic spiritual awareness and practice of religion are adequate and consistent. that he knows what is right from wrong, and he's strong enough from committing the wrong. seseorang yg tahu siapa Tuhannya, dan siapa dia sebenarnya. i just need THAT someone.

intellect. of course :) i could be dim-witted sometimes, for the sakes of our future children, intelligent co-founder of the family is really much needed. i love having someone who can appreciate my sense of humor and dry wit. that someone surely needs to be of a sound mind, reasonable and easy to converse with. i won't be intimidated if he's too clever for his own good, it will only motivate me to learn more and be his equal :) truly, i enjoy being someone who's witty enough to understand my erratic thinking. he might come out as  a pompous @$$ but i think it's better than having someone who nods to everything i say. besides, his pompous bum might suffer serious jabs courtesy of miss shahidah sulong, don't worry (^^,)t

health. in sickness and in health, their vows entail. will i marry someone sick, of poor health? i think that depends. maybe i would. maybe. it's just that, being realistic, we have no control over whomever we fall in love with. maybe someday i'd fall in love with someone bedridden and prescribed with time limits. will i marry him? maybe. but given chance, i'd wish for someone who's healthy enough: mind and body. nothing too muscular. just normal healthy. normal is good.

wealth. phewww.. such a factor. the then-too-idealistic me would scoff, heh! but the present realistic me would think that wealthy is good. not filthy rich. just adequately, well, adequate. like D once said, "my money is mine, his money is too.." i mean, that's the way it should be. except that nowadays young couples tend to share their incomes to cover their expenses. in bad cases, some men do forget the idea of them being the provider to the family. all that i think is that, how could he be respectful if the wife is the one toiling for him and the family whilst he just sit and wiggle his lazy toes? for poorer, for richer. yet, it doesn't bode well to my well-being to be breadwinner of the family unless there is valid reason. but a fantasy remains that we all wish we marry a rich enough guy so that we can shop and shop till the CC rips :) a fantasy my dear, a fantasy.

lineage. hmmm. my mom used to stress on this :hmmm:  but that was before, nowadays she has mellowed a great deal.. maybe because she realised that sometimes, we can't choose the family we want to fall in love with. that maybe on the first impression, ones do seem perfect. once we married into the family, the true color will emerge. to me, a family is not what we can choose them to be. but we can choose to be what we want to be in the family: loving, accepting and enliving. bit by bit, the new family will be what a family should be: loved unconditionally.

listening to somebody's me, i really am being sentimental, kan? making a list of the qualities, i will. it might be a lengthy list, it might be short. but all in all, i wish that in a near future, i will be in a happy, blessed permanent relationship. for better, for worse.

bitten by love bug, i am. and i love being in love. it gives me such a delight to know that i am still bestowed with the pureness of unselfishness. for love is selfless. it's about acceptance and forgiveness. sacrifice and surrender in its most basic sense.

my person is out there. i know it. i've waited for him since a long time ago. and i know that one day, when the least he expected it, he'l be bitten by my love bug, fufu!

sigh.. and i'll be waiting. complete with my list in hand :hahaha:

the truth is, my heart will know. if he's the one, then i won't be needing a list. i'll know it in my heart.

i'll know.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere. You're the type of person who goes along to get along. And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat. Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart. You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it. Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.

i'm peaceful, huh? i think so too :)

scissors, papers or rocks?

You Are Rock

Powerful and overbearing, you intimidate people with your presence. People know they can't push you around, and they respect that. Deep down, you are calm, confident, and unmovable. You take everything pretty seriously, and you think deeply about all aspects of your life. You tend to feel smothered by paper people. You don't mind crushing the spirit of a scissors person. When you fight, you: Use all of your strength If someone makes you mad: You're likely to throw something at them ( this one i do. i only managed to suppress the impulse. but it's there definitely )

being brave

most often, when we are at the pits, we feel like cowering away whenever cornered.

lately, i felt like a coward. i tend to shut everything out, shelve the problems for later action, sloth and slouch.

i was a coward. what with handling the stuffs for apartment number 3. dad, well, i can feel that he's disappointed in me. entah. kekadang takde energy utk finalise the whole damn thing. get it over it.

tadi, he called. and i did the unspeakable. i became a coward. but, as the guilt trumped the cowardice, i picked up the phone and called him back. explaining the reason why i didn't sms-ed him the list of the legal fees.

and i instantly felt better. being coward is definitely not my style. it's not who i am. to be cowardly, that is a fate not worth living.

i am brave. fearless. dealing with the cold hard truth, that's me all along. to change it means i've debased myself.

and i need to be braver. to stay true to my principles. to know them, really know them for what they are, and live up to it.

be brave.

doing nothing: hurts?

today i read someone lamented the fact that even though one does nothing to hurt, him doing nothing also hurts.

complicated female minds, have we not? :)

but when u think about it, being idle/ mum/ faux-oblivious is really annoying when u are on the receiving end.

i've long decided that i'll take my fate into my hands. being hopeful is one thing, being darn naive is another. when time is against us and societal propriety dictates that female is not to woo a male openly like amazon women, well, i decided that maybe this time, i ought to do nothing much too, for a change. not to worry. not to demand. not to hope.

just live my life as i am. pressure-less.

anyhow, in much somber tone, doing nothing in real life is something that can cause pressure too.

like not doing laundry until u run out of clean, presentable clothes, that is simply irresponsible.

like not bringing out the garbage out until it smell like rank.

like not picking up the books/ dvds/ shoes/ bags/ grocery off the floor.

like not clearing the sink.

like not rearranging the house and making it presentable.

anything. God! it's not like i am lazy. well, i think i am, a bit. but all that signifies that i am bothered at the moment. been thinking about moving out to the new apartment and all the expenses it entails. there'll be 2 more weeks before 22nd where we'l finally have our wages. then, there'll be 3 more weeks before i need to clear out of this apartment.

before i move out, abang wan will cart all the furniture home to terengganu: the sofa bed, 30-inch tv, 2-door fridge, fully automatic washing machine and the kitchen. and me? left with my study desk, dvd player, mini hi-fi and lots of clothes :)

so there, this moving into my new place is indeed a huge step. i had to consider and allocate expenses for new furniture, grow up and swallow the bitter pill with grace and sweetest composition. if i want to be a better person, much suited for my age, i must start living by standing on my own two feet. being independent. caring for my own self. a step next to that would be by being able to help out my younger siblings. without asking anything in return.

doing nothing hurts. because u know u r much better than that. u have the courage to live beyond yr safe zone. u have the ability to step up and take responsibilities. u r somebody of worth.

do something. Allah gives us too much for us not to waste it. not by a trollop. not by a drop. not by a speck. do something.

"Somebody's Me"

You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you were somebody else

[CHORUS]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me [2x]

How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it's gone
And I pray at night that our paths soon will cross
And what we had isn't lost
Cause you're always right here in my thoughts

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me [2x]

You'll always be in my life
Even if I'm not in your life
Because you're in my memory

You, will you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me [5x]

this is minkus' fave. she found it on abang's frenster page. hmmm.. after listening to it, i like it too.

at times, when passion trumps stubbornness n self-preservation, i wish i could whisper forth "somebody's me..."

but then again, it would only lead to heartbreak. destruction. despair. and i really need to stop being self-destructive.

don't u think so too?

mumble.mumble.mumble.

i think that my sense of humour is a dash overdosed today.

i think.

can't wait to be home to finish watching my dvd.

my financial constraint is indeed in dire state.

argktt..

the english language

english is not my birth language. it is foreign. but i find it constantly as my lingua franca. the language i spoke in my dreams. the language i used in my mind. (i'm not a blood-traitor, darling dears...)

i love english, next to french and arabic. and japanese.

being multi-lingual helps. i find myself able to pick up certain words foreign if i heard it a couple of times. yet, i lose it if not used.

of all the language, english is dominant. i feel comfortable writing in english. conversing? well, it's rusty but i still can manage, haltingly. the halting is caused by eroding self-esteem, not because i'm not fluent.

em, english helps me trump my fellow frens back in school. just because i know english better than average, i was wowed at. from there, i embraced my energy and redoubled my efforts in other subjects. if i can manage english flawlessly, i can do better in other area too, right?

fueled by my addiction in english storybooks, i learnt culture and gain knowledge in the faraway lands. being in iium where english is the teaching language, it took me quite a time to adapt.

but adapt, i did. sterlingly. english becomes my official internal language :p  i recall a time when i find it hard to express my thoughts in other language. there was a time during PTD exam that i found it a tad bit difficult to express my thoughts in BM. i got to write the ideas in english first before elaborating it in BM later. to finish the 3 pages essay was a struggle to the finish. yet, as i proceed to english paper, the 5 pages or so just flew by... i was feverishly writing to express abundant ideas.

later on, being in service that requires writing in malay, i was stupefied at first. yet, i plodded on and relearnt my language preference.

i do miss english though. that is why i still blog in english. it would be a terrible lost if i failed to hone the skills.

besides, not many goverment officers have good command in english. although not much, good english command helps me have a better advantage at work. being an unofficial, unpaid translator :p pro bono!

i do love it when my frens ask me to check their compositions. it helps me to refresh my vocab and improve my thesaurus. i simply love writing!

besides, their compositions do have value-added info. i gain new input along the way. it helps me feel empowered.

u know what, my childhood ambition did contain of working as a translator. how do u apply as a translator for cinema movies, ek? their translations are rubbishy sometimes. terrinly misleading. it made me laugh all the times. totally off the points, they are. so, how do u apply?

i wish i can be a professional translator in between my PTD job. it helps me fulfill one of my childhood dreams :)

plodding through

bit by bit, a strength to settle all the pending tasks is gathered.

sometimes, our own self really needs to plod things through. don't give room for others to criticise our sloth.

i used to be a sterling example of kamikaze officer. but, a season as a bintang officer under a tyrant, fussy administration of those above, it broke my spirit, bringing out those alien negative elements of my dark self.

i became a channel of unspeakables.

today, i wish to rid the negative traits off.

today, i want to be better than i ever be.

today, i will be someone responsible, worthy of the trust given.

to plod through, i must. life is too precious for me to be delinquent. it's not what other people think of me. it's what i think of myself that matters most.

plod through, miss shahidah. soon you will unravel all the knots and your spirit will relieve its burden.

when u don't have the right words...

sometimes, a person with commendable vocab does find a time when there are no words to justify what one wants to say...

tongue-tied. quick breaths. empty head. leaden fingers. blurry mind. numbness. silence.

i do experience times when i could hardly say anything much to express what i really feel. for a person as articulate, as expressive, as talkative, that repressive torture is indeed, a torture.

so how? when my heart is screaming, mind pounding, the adrenaline pumping, words simply, failed me. nothing can come out. nothing. i am a mute.

maybe a tear will slip down one's cheek. but a dear someone once said, he hates to see a female crying. it makes him helpless. little does he know that helplessness often drives me to tears. i am basically a hot-tempered person. a bottled-up rage makes me cry, as i am helpless in justifying the sentiment i strongly felt.

hmmm...

when i don't have the right words to say, i hum. i sing. and i listen to a song that aptly coins my emotion. when i don't have the guts to tell someone what i honestly feel, i do it in a song. within the lines, intertwined with the melody, the message will comes forth in clarity. i still remember a song i once shared of MJr upon the school board, 11 years ago. a celine dion: i love u. it was sweet. even though he said that it didn't mean anything, to me, it meant something. something.

cheesy huh? degil :)

a song can help say things that u kept inside. things that u won't normally say out loud. things that u hold, even from yourself. things u deny. things that u don't actually think u are capable of feeling.

songs will always be like pages of my life's journal. each song that is special, has someone that i remember it with...

so there. should one find it is difficult to find the right words, maybe a right song is there to do the job.

say it with words. say it with touch. say it with a look. say it. just say it. to keep mum would be the death of my heart. the injustice to my ability to deal with the truth with clarity of mind.

or, say it with a song. for me.

think u can do that?